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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about not sharing income

102 replies

mummyclimbingframe · 18/10/2020 15:28

So my husband and I have two children and put 55% of our income into a joint account to pay household bills, Rent, childcare etc. The remaining monies are our own to pay for things such as phone bills clothes etc.

I earn close to 10k more than my husband per year and he is now saying as I have had to reduce my hours (losing 5 hours per week) this is to be able to drop our children to school, that we should split any remaining monies down the middle.

Now Iam happy to still contribute the same amount to our shared account Even though I have had a drop in salary. I just don’t see why I should have to share my higher income i have a much more stressful job than my husband and feel I should reap the rewards of that.

Iam not sure if Iam being out of order but for the first 8 years he was on very little money and worked very little hours until around 18 months ago so I have always paid the lions share. So much so I could only afford to take 8 weeks maternity leave with our first child.

OP posts:
SpaceRaiders · 18/10/2020 20:36

You’ve carried the family financially for 8 years, It sounds like there’s some residual resentment. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in the slightest.

nancybotwinbloom · 18/10/2020 20:37

My husband out earns me x 3.

We don't have a joint account.

But, we have full transparency of what we both have in the bank.

It's all family money.

If I need money for anything above what I have we discuss it and see what we have left as a whole.

Your a family. Surely all money is family money.

Wwydiywm · 18/10/2020 20:38

Doesn't sound like you want to be married

RudieSmithy · 18/10/2020 20:39

I would be resentful of a partner who worked part time pre kids because it suited them better. It’d suit me better, too, but that’s not how it works.

Original poster
mummyclimbingframe · 18/10/2020 20:40

Thank you everyone I’m open to a change but I just wanted to see what everyone impartially thought before making a decision and discussing this with my husband. Please be assured that I genuinely love my husband and have a very good marriage however money can sometime be a sore point and possible the only thing we disagree on.
Thank you everyone x

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 18/10/2020 20:42

I don't really get your DH's argument. You have reduced your hours and therefore income so you have to give him some more money?? Sounds like he pissed about for years and now wants to reap the benefits of your hard work.

Cocopogo · 18/10/2020 20:44

I can see why you don’t want to split it, could you agree to put the difference in a joint savings account instead for something nice you will enjoy too so you feel less resentful?

Lurchermom · 18/10/2020 20:46

I earn £30k less than my DH. No children yet. We split our money equally down the middle / have a joint pot because we are team and doing this together. He says he has no pleasure in buying nice things knowing that I can't afford to do the same. It just happens that my career choice is less well paid than his - I don't have the kind of earning potential which is available in his career choice.
We're a partnership Confused it doesn't come down to who works a more stressful job or not.

If you're worried about shelling out on clothes etc for the DC why not use a joint pot, rather than splitting the money 50/50 OR put a certain % aside from your joint income for the DC's stuff. So it's not just you paying for it.

Justwingingmotherhood · 18/10/2020 20:52

YANBU. I dont see how marriage automatically means help yourself to each others money. You pay your share! I'm the same as you I pay my share but I'm the one buying the things for the house and our DD. No way that's your money that you worked hard for! You went back to work a few weeks after giving birth also! Not a chance would I share. Good on you OP

Justwingingmotherhood · 18/10/2020 20:54

@Wwydiywm

Doesn't sound like you want to be married
Seriously ? Hmm how on earth does it sound like she doesnt want to be married!
PlanDeRaccordement · 18/10/2020 20:55

I earn 3x what my DH does. He works just as hard as I do and just as many hours but is in a public service career which doesn’t pay much despite being valuable to society. A person’s worth and contribution isn’t just by how much they earn. I’ve always made more than him. Always. You could say I’ve carried the family financially for almost thirty years now. But that would be valuing money over everything. His work is no less important than my work.
We pool all our money and it is family money. We even make sure we have equal pension pots by me putting in some of my earnings into a pension under his name.
He’s done most of the childcare as his job has more flexibility than mine.
I think OP you need to decide if you and your DH are a team or not. I don’t understand why you’d have to “beg” him for money if you pool it. That’s never been the case with myself or my DH.

NoSquirrels · 18/10/2020 20:55

So you earn £10,000 more than him but also do more childcare/have reduced your hours AND pay out for all the kids clothes and extras from your remaining 45%. You contribute 55% of your salary into the joint bills.

Meanwhile he has 45% of his lower salary to spend just on himself.

I’d change the whole system, tbh.

Booboobibles · 18/10/2020 20:56

I don’t get why he’s asking this now when you’ve just taken a pay cut...it doesn’t make any sense.

When I was with my ex husband we had a joint bank account...he earned more but I’d still have done that if I’d earned more. That then seemed normal. After we separated, I was with two useless boyfriends for about ten years and there’s no way I’d have had a joint bank account with them.

GinAtMerlottes · 18/10/2020 20:59

The money should go into one pot, bills etc come out, some into savings and the rest split down the middle. I literally can see no justification for doing it any differently when you’re married and have children.

DH earns 170k and I earn 20k and still we do that.

The “pot” can be notional, you don’t have to get paid into a joint account but that is the fair way.

Pixxie7 · 18/10/2020 20:59

To me a marriage is a partnership, all income goes in one pot and is spent on the family. Sorry.

islockdownoveryet · 18/10/2020 21:11

Sorry but the way I see it if I share my life with someone and have children what's mine is his and vice versa , everything goes in the same pot .
I couldn't be arsed with I earn more etc if I want to get my hair done by a dress etc it's done no argument if I was spending all our money on clothes then yes it would be a argument.
I think it's swings and roundabouts I've earned more than my dh and he's earned more than me over he years but it goes towards Bills , kids , the house , holidays , home improvements, socialising etc .
It's whatever works for you but I don't honestly understand why you want to keep your money for yourself .

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 18/10/2020 21:15

Fair doesn't always mean equal.

In this case OP works more hours,brings more money in,reduced her hours to do school drop offs and pickups and buys all the things needed for the household/children out of her spare income and now her husband wants a share of the money too.

How exactly is that equal or fair?

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 18/10/2020 21:18

It's whatever works for you but I don't honestly understand why you want to keep your money for yourself .

She contributes 55%. Out of the remaining 45% she buys everything the kids need and whatever else might be needed for the household. How exactly is she keeping her money to herself?

NettleTea · 18/10/2020 21:18

If 'the pot' were to now pay all the 'extras' for the house and kids that you would normally be paying - so he is going to have to cough up half of that WITHOUT ARGUMENT (as there is no reason why your home nor children should suffer a loss) will you maybe end up with around the same amount you do now, and he may actually find he ends up with less.
Id take a look at the figures, factoring all of this in.
also all bills go in - so car, phone, petrol etc.

catspyjamas123 · 18/10/2020 21:27

This is why marriage sucks. If you earn more and pay your share and even cut your hours to be around for the kids then no, don’t give him more! Lazy men prey on hardworking women.

Plussizejumpsuit · 18/10/2020 21:29

I genuinely don't understand married or long term couples with home together who have seperate money and insist on splitting everything. Does it not just get really uneven? Like if you go for dinner are you always keeping tabs on who's turn it is to pay? Does that not take the joy out of things?

I don't know if this is an unpopular opinion but I don't get sharing a life with someone, having children yet wanting them to have less money than you because they don't deserve it.

EasterIssland · 18/10/2020 21:30

I’ve a similar scenario to yours. Not very much liked in mns but suits us
We both earn well (me being the higher earner) and we split house and childcare 50-50. The rest is our own money to do what we want with it. I have no say o. What my husband buys and viceversa. We’ve our own savings.

When we had our child we did 50-50 Leave. As the salary was so reduced back then we did a 70-30 payment and when it was 0£ income then I was the one paying for everything with my money. We like to travel so many times I’m the one spending more on the holiday (I choose to do it) or the family car has been 100% bought by me. When he’s needed some cash because he had a car bill to pay then he had my money without any doubt.

It suits for us and I know many will say that if we’re a family then why we don’t share everything. Well. , I like being independent and if I want to buy the latest iPhone then I don’t need to be saying ey I’m going to take 1k out this month because I want. Also , many times you see here people saying women should have a running away money in case something happens , I think being financially independent helps it.

I think your scenario is similar. If he’s struggling at the end of the month to have anything for him or have savings then I’d say it’s fair you pay a bit more.

MJMG2015 · 18/10/2020 21:33

I'm a
But confused as to why when
You are dropping your income he suddenly wants to change how things are done?

It's not the way we do things & it sounds like you probably end up with the same amount of spending money if you're paying for all the kids stuff too & he's not.

However if YOU are the one losing money to do the school run, maybe you should suggest he makes up half of what you're losing AND pays his share of the kid related expenses.

Standrewsschool · 18/10/2020 21:33

I’m in the family money camp.

Dh has always earnt more than me. Money goes into one account. Bills, food shopping etc come out. I honestly don’t know what percentage I spend on my stuff and he spends on his stuff. Big purchases we discuss but smaller ones we don’t.

SBTLove · 18/10/2020 21:34

I’m a bit Confused at him working part
time for years before you had kids.
Tell him clothes, activities for kids come off the joint monies then split what’s left, it’s hardly fair he’s never buying for the kids.