I am so tight

[jaroffairies]

Every time I spend money a little piece of me dies. I feel a bit panicked. I feel as if my whole life I have tried to mask my big secret. That I don't want to spend any money. I love gifting and I always gift for birthdays and Christmas, but I try and make something, decorate something, or shop from discounted section.

I grew up in a family where there we're enormous outgoings e.g. more than one mortgage, three cars, and school fees, house keeper. My parents constantly argued and fought over how they were going to get money in to pay for everything. I think this may be where it has originated from. I hoarded money.

Now I would rather walk an hour with a heavy suitcase than pay a tenner for a taxi. I am very generous with my time, and I am very generous with gifts, but am so funny when it comes to money.

I am mid 20s, have only £5k in savings and a low income, I don't have to dip into savings. I have been running a craft business since I was out of university and have been living frugally for two years while trying to get this to take off. My income is slowly increasing.

But I am still so stingy. I try and mask it by buying friends coffees and then I resent them when they don't return the favour. I know this is unfair.

I am so embarrassed. Everytime I spend money I feel awful after.

This also extends to people buying things for me. I wouldn't allow someone else to pay for me ever. But if I paid for them I would expect them to pay for me next time.

I have gotten into a bad habit of instead of telling people I just don't want to go to that expensive restaurant, telling that I can't afford it. This isn't true. If I wanted to I could sacrifice other things to go. But to me its just a waste of money. So everything around me thinks I am really poor and struggling and that makes me feel so uncomfortable and a little pathetic.

I am obsessively saving for a mortgage because I feel nervous about not being able to pay rent.

I don't know why I am posting but maybe someone can suggest something or help me out?

Hi OP, no advice but some solidarity - I am similar with money I hate spending it. I do, often spend nothing for weeks and then splurge and feel sick try to sell things to get a bit back or take things back to the shops if I can. I’m watching this thread with interest as there may be some tips.

thank you @Goodebe good to know I am not alone

Hi OP saving to the extreme is no life. My nana did it I think it stemmed from having a poor family life herself. When my nan raised her children things were hard as even when she had holes in her shoes she would still wear them.

You deserve nice things too. Do you want to look back on life and think you didn’t enjoy it because you was busy penny pinching?

I’d actually prefer to be like you than like me! I’m awful with money, it just runs through my fingers. At your age I was even worse.

Why not use “I’ve saving up for a house deposit” as your excuse not to go to expensive places? Do you think that might work..?

Otherwise, I wouldn’t worry too much.

I do this to an extent. For me it comes from being financially abused by my ex. I like to feel in control of my finances.

We've just finished saving for our mortgage and had the mortgage approved. It took a lot of dedication and time to save the full amount for the deposit, but at the same time we still wanted to live a little.

I think you need to allow yourself to have a small amount of your income weekly to spend on things like coffee, treats etc.

For us, we looked at all our outgoings and added on an extra amount to this that we would keep for treats, coffee, takeaway etc. Then we knew how much was reasonable to put into savings each week without over stretching ourselves. The savings amount is put into a separate account each week and not touched, then the little extra stays in the current account and can be spent on whatever little treat or extra we want. If it's not spent one week, it will still be there the next week for a bigger treat.

It helped us to save the large mortgage deposit we needed without feeling like we were depriving ourselves of having a life.

Gosh this is no way to live at all. If you had a private education and a housekeeper then your parents had money but this lifestyle was more important to them than true happiness.

You need to try and get a better paid job? Is there anyway you can upskill?

I am quite carefully with money but if I want something I get it. These money worries are taking over to a level where you are not enjoying your life I feel.

Me too.
I’m already stressing thinking about Christmas and the spend involved.
I’m terrible.
Quite impressed with the op buying coffee, I would never do this such is my tightness.
I add up in my mind, calculate outgoings all of the time.
The only thing that makes me splurge is a life stopping moment. That convinced me how life is short and money should bring happiness.

to me I do go out for coffees and I am going out for one later. It's not that I don't spend any money, just that I am so tight and careful I would go for one coffee a week and not more. I would not get a cake with that either. If Susan brought the coffee last time and I am buying it this time and she orders a cake, I feel resentment that I paid for the extra cake. I have an obsession which things being equal and fair financially.

I cannot stand being roped into each contributing £20 for Nancy from Finances maternity gift when I don't know Nancy, if you get me.

I always buy the cheapest on the menu and cannot stand ' lets all split this bill evenly 6 ways'

I account for every penny and evaluate if the pleasure amounts to more than the cost.

I also closely watch to see if anyone is trying to cheat anyone else. I am obsessed.

Ahhh OP. You should see a therapist. Life’s too short buy the cake!

@Lillysnotroses £50 p/h for a therapist you have to be kidding

I have a friend like his. Had a privileged upbringing too. I know she would dread having to split bills or buy anyone drinking out generosity. Yet she happily allows others to treat her, always says she has no money.

No one really likes socialising with her anymore. It's like an obsession if we meet her it has tobe a no spend time. She even brings her own tea bags to cafes so if we order she will just ask for hot free water.

Her upbringing was privileged, private school etc.

It's not a good look OP, your friends will gossip about your tightness. You will stop getting invites.

No one like a tight person. It's the number one put off here for potential partners. It usually points to meanness of spirit too.

Go crazy, five money to charity, buy someone a drink and expect nothing back.

No one likes tight people.

What strikes me is that you need to be honest with your friends about saving for a mortgage. It's a repeated theme here on mn when the 'broke' friend suddenly makes a big purchase of a house or car. The poster always feels somewhat betrayed (especially if they've paid for things for broke friend, though that isn't the case here).

It just feels very dishonest when a friend claims to be broke when what they really mean is that they are saving hard and their 'entertainment and incidentals' budget is tight.

I'm not sure if you're 'too tight' with yourself or not - it's impossible to say. But if you don't feel comfortable at all despite having a savings cushion you don't touch, you should def think about why.

There is so much more to life than money.

Jarof I do that ..order the cheapest thing on the menu thing, get upset/annoyed if finances are not fair or equal, buying the coffee and cake thing is an excellent example.

A most awful tragic thing happened within my circle, it made me stop immediately and rethink. I booked us a very expensive holiday within a few weeks of that.

I’m with you OP. I’m generally exactly the same because I live continually on the breadline. Those who don’t don’t understand me.

I earned under £20k for many years and currently have no partner or flat sharer to help with half the house running costs. It’s dear.

I always pay my share and do stuff with friends (prior to CV) but I too dread the call of the ‘split the bill six ways’ or whatever, made by people having had starter pudding and alcohol, which I haven’t but have really enjoyed myself and their company. I hate having to say ‘no offence but I had a main and a Coke so there’s my contribution and tip as I’m on a budget sorry’. They must secretly despise me but if they do they can F off! I’m always generous with gifts and never take a loan of people. If they buy me something once I will return the favour another time. It balances out. If I bought someone cake and didn’t have one myself at their expense the following week I’d have one the next time it was their turn to pay to balance it out. One cake each paid by each other.

Life is too short and since I have had a promotion at work I now have the choice of save it or spend it. I’m doing a little of both. It is amazing to be able to call a tradesman instead of doing a repair to something myself using YouTube advice!

I can afford new bedding coz I like it.

I can send flowers to a friend whose parent has just been diagnosed with cancer.

Saving is good and sometimes it needs to be done. Just get a strategy to decide what’s an acceptable level of spending for you, eg don’t need a new duvet cover as the old one is ok but I only have two so another isn’t extravagant. Or No I have four duvet covers I’m not buying another til ones stained or threadbare or poppers have bust.

Have a life too but don’t go mental just do a little something for yourself once a week or month or whatever. After a couple of months review and see if looking back it was worth it and what you would change if anything. You can learn from your own experiences in a way that you feel ok with.

When I first met my now DH, he was very nervous about spending money as he grew up in a family where money was a constant source of tension. I'd grown up in a more happy go lucky family and tended to be more reckless.

The solution for us was to do a very detailed and careful budget with a dedicated weekly "fun allowance" for each of us. Every coffee and meal out, movie tickets, etc, was counted, as well as any leisure purchases like books, magazines, knick knacks for the house, etc. And if we underspent one week the left over was added to the next week and so on, so we could save up for something bigger that way. We also had a holiday fund to save up for holidays in the same way.

Pre-agreeing how much we could each afford to spend took away DH's stress / guilt about spending money, and allowed him to enjoy life more. And it made me think more carefully about my spending. We did this for at least ten years, well past the point of our first home purchase. We don't anymore as we are now comfortably off, but it made a big difference in the early years.

I don't think it's bad or tight that you don't want to pay towards a gift when you don't know the person. and I think lots of us waste too much money on coffee out and then regret it.
I think you might benefit from dividing up your money and having a specific amount allocated for fun, that you are not allowed to carry over into the next month. It might force you to spend it. Or view it in terms of the coffee shop spend being worth the amount because it allows you to see friends.
I'm with you on the splitting the restaurant bill though - there's usually done cheeky bugger who's had lobster and a spendy bottle of wine who wants to split the bill at the expense of the people who ordered much cheaper things.

Its good that you recognise the issue. I agree with others you should tell your friends your saving your cash for a deposit rather than your skint. Accept that your friend may want to share a cake when you go out. I had an ex friend who was overpaying her mortgage and would never buy drink .....

@Readandwalk oh gosh I would never bring my own tea bags, how embarrassing! My goal is to disguise how tight I am.

@SmartPinkShoes thats a really good idea I never thought anyone would be understanding of my situation if they understood that I wanted to save for a mortgage.

I don't think it's tight if you don't want to contribute to a gift for a person you don't know, either. Remember when Friends did an episode around that issue. Ross had just moved in, and was asked to contribute towards a going away present for someone who had worked in the building 😂

But otherwise, unless you're really struggling financially, then it's miserable to be watching the pennies so closely that you can't even enjoy a slice of cake with your coffee.

So everything around me thinks I am really poor and struggling

This really stood out for me. My mum was exactly the same - thousands in the bank but pleading poverty to the country. It meant lots of people felt sorry for her and bought/gave her things. I remember her sister on benefits bought her about £200 worth of fuel one winter that she couldn't refuse because it was just delivered with no warning. We also recieved a grocery hamper from a local charity as someone referred us as we were living in poverty. Everyone that knew the truth that she had thousands in savings was appalled. Over the years people have slowly realised she's just stingy rather than poor and think she's a user. Don't be that person. If you don't want to spend your money, that's fine but don't be lying about it.

Some of what you’re saying is perfectly reasonable - a low income in your 20s and saving for a house deposit = being careful with discretionary spending. It’s fine but to want to split the bill, or pay for group gifts for people you don’t know, or pay for things you don’t value just because everyone else is.

But if you’re in a reciprocal coffee & cake agreement, don’t sweat the little things. Just do t do it that way - either order the cake too on your friend’s turn to pay or better yet just say shall we pay for own own today?

Its more my mindset, it is a bit obsessive.

I was out for dinner with friends and someone ordered lots of sides and a couple of bottles 'for the table'. I was annoyed that someone else had decided that I would be contributing to these sides. I wanted them but wouldn't have chosen them because it was a luxury I didn't want to pay for. I was all smiles and happy chats, no-one would have guessed I felt that way. I wanted to treat myself to just buy one drink and one main. The whole meal I was thinking do I tuck into the sides and wine and enjoy and split the bill, or do I intentionally not have any then try and discreetly avoid paying my share for something I never had. In the end I didn't eat or drink the extras and didn't have the guts to query the bill. I ended up spending double my intention.

I don't want to have to be worrying about these things for a whole meal and not enjoy my meal as much.

I would never accept anyone paying for me, unless I paid for them before. I never want charity. I just don't want to be roped into paying for things I don't want to pay for.

You just need to work on owning your position.

It’s fine not to want to spend more then you’ve budgeted. You just need to speak up at the first opportunity- ideally before any ordering happens at all. You can say “Hope it’s OK but I’m just going to pay for my own meal today as I’m on a budget so count me out of the sides and wine if that’s OK.”

As long as you are scrupulous about leaving a proper tip then that’s fine.

But you have to own your position and be happy with it yourself.