I am so tight

[jaroffairies]

Every time I spend money a little piece of me dies. I feel a bit panicked. I feel as if my whole life I have tried to mask my big secret. That I don't want to spend any money. I love gifting and I always gift for birthdays and Christmas, but I try and make something, decorate something, or shop from discounted section.

I grew up in a family where there we're enormous outgoings e.g. more than one mortgage, three cars, and school fees, house keeper. My parents constantly argued and fought over how they were going to get money in to pay for everything. I think this may be where it has originated from. I hoarded money.

Now I would rather walk an hour with a heavy suitcase than pay a tenner for a taxi. I am very generous with my time, and I am very generous with gifts, but am so funny when it comes to money.

I am mid 20s, have only £5k in savings and a low income, I don't have to dip into savings. I have been running a craft business since I was out of university and have been living frugally for two years while trying to get this to take off. My income is slowly increasing.

But I am still so stingy. I try and mask it by buying friends coffees and then I resent them when they don't return the favour. I know this is unfair.

I am so embarrassed. Everytime I spend money I feel awful after.

This also extends to people buying things for me. I wouldn't allow someone else to pay for me ever. But if I paid for them I would expect them to pay for me next time.

I have gotten into a bad habit of instead of telling people I just don't want to go to that expensive restaurant, telling that I can't afford it. This isn't true. If I wanted to I could sacrifice other things to go. But to me its just a waste of money. So everything around me thinks I am really poor and struggling and that makes me feel so uncomfortable and a little pathetic.

I am obsessively saving for a mortgage because I feel nervous about not being able to pay rent.

I don't know why I am posting but maybe someone can suggest something or help me out?

I am very similar. I rarely treat myself and feel bad if I do. I don't feel terrible if I'm buying things I have to pay for such as bills, food and car repairs, but if I treat myself to a new top I feel guilty about it.

For me it stems from childhood, I was given no money so I hoarded any money I received at Christmas and birthdays. And I have a constant fear of having no money.

What a miserable way to live, obsessed, full
of anger and worst of all lying about being poor.
I have a ‘friend’ like this and it’s made me distance myself, pleading poverty even had food parcels from her church, she has more coming in than me and before anyone asks I’m well aware of her finances as she asked me to help draw up a budget.
I’ll assume you’re single OP, MN is full of threads about relationships breaking down due to tightness and controlling finances.
Yes save for your mortgage but not to the point you are, it’s fanatical and tbf your attitude to your friends is just horrible.
Your money won’t give you much joy when you’re sitting in your house with no friends.

I disagree with the view of, “have therapy so you can have the cake!” There’s nothing wrong with not having the cake. The issue is how you feel about having or not having it. Therapy might help you not order the cake, without any angst about it.

My friend is like this - l have stopped going out with her because it is so annoying and quite embarrassing so now l will only see her at one of our houses. Shame really cos l like eating out but when she starts penny pinching it ruins it.

@SBTLove no I actually have quite a lot of friends and am in a happy relationship. I am very open with my parter about this problem and he is understanding. He is a saver.

I am veery generous to my friends with time and gifts and I do treat my friends a lot with dinners around mine. I also go out for meals with friends once a month and coffees once a week. I love doing this so it is worth it for me but its always cheapest on the menu and me paying for myself. I don't want anyone to pay for me, but I also don't want to pay for anyone else.

It is a bit miserable sometimes feeling so obsessed with not paying more and worrying that I will have to.

I do think there is a mental block I will need to work through, and the higher my income gets the more I treat myself but I will still refuse to get a taxi when I can walk. @vanillacake2 I think my too is an irrational fear of having no money.

@NoSquirrels thank you great advice. Yes I always leave a 10% tip.

@Fishfingersandwichplease what would she do out that you didn't like?

At the moment i work so hard to disguise my stinginess that the only indication they get that I don't want to spend is that I will ask to only pay for mine and I always order the cheapest on the menu

I'm like this too. My book club laughs at me because I never agree to a brand new book choice unless it's already available in paperback!

Still, I'm 40 and retired on income accrued through investing savings.

Treat yourself when you want to, not when you feel you should. And those savings will pay dividends. Take care of the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves.

You might not have your friends for
long if you keep up the lies and miser behaviour.
Your partner is a ‘saver’ = miserable & tight fisted, enjoy life, money isn’t everything.

I’m a bit like this (I have learned I can’t lend money as I get very antsy until it’s paid back, even with friends I 100% trust so now I don’t do it to save myself and the borrower the stress of me being anxious and annoying) but have worked hard to try to relax a bit more. I wonder if you actually need to be a bit less generous so when you are generous it’s a choice and something done out of pleasure rather than something you feel you are owed for? Eg my friend and I (pre-Covid) met every 3 weeks for a coffee and cake in our lunch hours. We’d always split the bill down the middle, or if there was a big difference, just paid for what we bought. Once she’d been having a tough time so I picked up the cakes as a treat for her and wouldn’t let her pay me back. If we constantly took it turns to pay the bill, that wouldn’t have been a treat it would just have been “my turn”.

I also kinda get what you mean about splitting the bill in groups but I’m quite clear on this with friends - I don’t drink alcohol and am not going to subsidise 3 bottles of wine for the group when I didn’t have any. In my group of friends we always just paid for what we’d ordered and then added a tip on top. Much easier in many ways imo and means people can spend what they’re comfortable with, but you do have to be clear and unembarrassed about it from the start.

The way I manage is giving myself a monthly spending allowance to a separate account (I use Starling). This can go on anything I want each month, is mine to fritter away, and also goes towards mini saving goals (eg £300 for a fridge separate to the amount I have in savings for a deposit). I rarely spend all of it (except in December and August - birthday heavy month) but I know I can spend all of it and still have bills money and savings held separately. Over lockdown this money has bought bits for me & the house but also gifts for others - flowers, Easter eggs, birthday presents etc - and knowing that I have this money to spend on whatever I like including treating people helps me manage my money hang ups. It’s really fun to treat people but if it makes you feel like they “owe you” then maybe you just shouldn’t do it!

I'm a bit like this! I remember the price of just about everything I buy. I use my card for purchases so I don't have to physically hand over the cash, I make fun of it because it's silly really. The more money I have the less I want to spend it. There's no real reason I can think of for me to be like this. I've been extremely skint before, now I'm more comfortable, managing without worrying which is good. I'll splash out from time to time but always, always try to find discounts, money off and sales. I'll put things back after carrying them around a shop after scrutinising the cost.

I love spending money and shopping, better when it's not my money though 😬

I think you sound sensible.

thank you @OhioOhioOhio i'm not as stingy as some I know that.

@SBTLove no actually he's very generous

@jaroffairies I'd feel the same about you if someone ordered lots of expensive sides with a meal. I'm not particularly stingy - just a bit - but there are certain groups of friends/acquaintances that I now actively avoid meals with as although I enjoy catching up with them, it always seems to end up with me paying over the odds.
With other friends I'm totally relaxed as I know it will even out over time.

It sounds as if you don't particularly enjoy eating out - do you deliberately deny yourself what you like on the menu, or is it more than the cost is your only criteria ? You could say that you don't like restaurant food that much and arrange to do other things like walks or art museums or have people round to your flat if that's possible.

I think you need to separate out several issues here....

• Extra food and drink for the table - perfectly fine to say ‘sorry I’m saving for a mortgage’ ..is ok , but forcing everyone to do the maths on a bill just because you don’t want to pay slightly over your allocation is a pain. They’ll soon get fed up with eating out with you as 15 minutes working out the bill is a pain when everyone wants to leave.
• Always the cheapest cake ..again if there is one 10% more costly that you would enjoy 20% more then if you can afford it then why deprive yourself ?
• You don’t have to go mad, but your super tight ways on everything may start to alienate you from your friends.You say you are generous, but you resent buying a cake for them occasionally - I’m sure they return the favour.

You need to think about the impact of your reactions, otherwise you’ll end up with money but little else. I’ve saved all my life and it allowed me to pay off my mortgage early...BUT ..I measure things in value, not price ie I’ll walk rather than taxi, but once a years when its a horrible day and I’m tiered I take a cab - the 25 times I walked out weigh it. Equally by myself I’ll go home for a coffee, but out with friends I allow myself to relax a bit , buy a nice coffee and a cake and enjoy, friends enjoy it more too.

She would say we are taking away rather than eating in to save 20p on a cup of tea then blatantly not take it away. Always would pay for exactly what she had but her and her DH earn more than me and my DH so it's not as if they are brassic - would understand if they were. Happy to let me look after her kids when she had to work but wouldn't occur to her to buy me even a cuppa or anything to say thanks so l don't do it any more. Would ask me to pick her up so she didn't have to pay parking - just really penny pinching but happy for me to spend my money on extra petrol to collect her!

@Fishfingersandwichplease

Thank you for sharing. I understand why this would effect your relationship.

I really hope my stingyness wouldn't effect my friendships, I don't think it does. I wouldn't do any of the things your friend does. I wouldn't want anyone to go out the way for me. I always bring a bottle which invited for dinners. I look after friends kids a lot but don't have kids myself. I am generous with my time. It does concern me that others may look unfavourably that I order the cheapest on the menu and only want to pay for myself. I think if I were in a better financial situation I wouldn't be as tight but still not financially the most generous

The thing is, apart from that trait, l am really fond of her so l decided a few years ago to just not go out with her any more and go to her house or have her to mine. It sounds like your circumstances are a bit different - if you are saving for a house etc that is a perfectly valid reason to watch the pennies.