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Original poster

Is my reaction wrong?

37 replies

doubleaces89 · 28/09/2020 11:12

Hi. 1st post here so apologies if I've posted in wrong section.

15 years ago purchased 3 bed terraced with DW. Mum and my brother moved in with me, due to overcrowding and other issues.

In intervening years, now have 3 children (10, 8, & 5), and brother has moved on. Mum has continued living with me.

Now space has become an issue, so need a new place to live, IF mum stays with me (otherwise could manage where I currently live).

I suggested to my siblings that either I buy a bigger house, and they contribute each month (due to increased costs - higher mortgage, bills, council tax, etc.) or someone else take mum.

Context:
Sister 1 - 5 bed house (SE) - 2 kids
Bro 1 - 4 bed house (SE) - no kids
Sis 2 - 3 bed house (near me) - no kids

Everyone (apparently) cares for mum, but reaction was they are happy to contribute each month towards house costs, but would like that money back when mum passes away, from me selling house (& downsizing).

My reaction was they are taking the 'mickey', as they want me to take all responsibility for looking after mum, even as her health gets worse (she already has a few issues) and are willing to 'loan' me some money to do this.

Appreciate perspectives are different, so would like to hear thoughts please.

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 28/09/2020 11:21

Your mum should be paying her own way. Does she not have an income?

ComicePear · 28/09/2020 11:29

Oh wow OP - this is a complicated one!

I think you need to get legal advice before proceeding any further. If your siblings give you money every month towards your mortgage payments, perhaps for many years, I think they could reasonably claim that they had a legal right to a share in the value of the house.

The fact that you're looking after your mum is a different issue really and should be kept separate from the money side. It's very good of you and I can see why you feel there should be some goodwill towards you from your siblings, but legally speaking I don't think that would be a consideration.

Frazzled13 · 28/09/2020 11:32

So, it’s no longer feasible for you to care for your mother alone (either space wise if you stay where you are, or financially if you were to move)?
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to share some of the responsibility of that.
Does your mother not have any money that can go towards increased costs?

TooManyDogsandChildren · 28/09/2020 12:21

Then one of your siblings takes your mum. They cannot reasonably expect you to live in an overcrowded house when they have room to spare.

MacavityTheDentistsCat · 28/09/2020 12:56

I agree with your assessment that they are taking the mickey and just lending you money for a time.

MrsMoastyToasty · 28/09/2020 12:59

Why isn't your mum self funding?

NerrSnerr · 28/09/2020 13:04

What does your mum think about it. She must realise you're overcrowded. Have you spoken to her about what she wants. She must also have an income, why can't she contribute herself?

Original poster
doubleaces89 · 28/09/2020 14:14

Thank you for your replies. This certainly appears to be more nuanced that I had thought, and I certainly hadn’t considered legal implications.

In response to some of the questions:

  • Space is the key issue. Without contribution (from anyone) I could manage, but things would be a lot tighter.
  • Mum had some savings (circa £8k). She recently lost her job, and is currently on benefits. She is due to get her pension state pension next summer.
  • Mum doesn’t want to be a burden. She thought she would move in with my brother, but he doesn’t want to live with her. She has offered her savings for bigger house (which I don’t want to take) and is willing to contribute each month.

I guess my issue is I think my siblings ‘want to have their cake and eat it’. Mum has health issues (arthritis, macular degeneration, bunions), no one really wants to take caring responsibility for her, especially over long term, but want her ‘cared’ for.

I’m willing to take that responsibility with everything that entails, but as a minimum would like financial burden lessened / shared.

The contributory amounts we have discussed are relatively small (£200-300 p/m). Given that 2/3 of my siblings earn circa £100k, I’m annoyed that they want a REFUNDABLE-contribution.

OP posts:
EasterIssland · 28/09/2020 14:18

If your mum pays for some of her part I’d also be worried that in the future when she passes away your siblings expect part of your house as inheritance. So make sure it’s legally sorted

JK2020 · 28/09/2020 14:28

This is a difficult situation. I feel for you and your Mum. Could Mum move into sheltered accommodation? Is she independent or does she need carers? If someone cannot fund this themselves there are options available - you could talk to citizens advice and the council and see what help is available. I think you need to put the ball in your siblings court and say what they suggest is not tenable, the current situation is not tenable - what do they suggest?

dancemom · 28/09/2020 14:31

What does your wife say in all this?
What age is your mum? Does she need cared for?
Why does it fall to you?

Cocomarine · 28/09/2020 17:30

I think it’s fair enough, if harsh, that none of them want her to live with them. That’s not about whether they have 1 spare bedroom or 4 - not everyone wants that dynamic.

Everyone seems willing to pay for her - they just want it to reimbursed. Not by you, but by her estate. I think that’s clinical, transactional... but it’s fair. Even though they earn a lot, it’s still - logically speaking - fair.

Why not play them at their own game? If you are happy for your mother to live with you in a larger home, then move - and agree in advance an amount per month that will be owed to you from her estate, and get that agreed by all.

Bit confused as to what your siblings think the source of their repayment will be though, if she £8K savings and will be living on a pension. Is it a good pension?

Frazzled13 · 28/09/2020 20:13

Bit confused as to what your siblings think the source of their repayment will be though,

I read it as the source of repayment would be OP selling the larger house and buying a smaller one, and then repaying the siblings. So not from the mother’s estate at all.

LastRoloIsMine · 28/09/2020 20:20

Buy the bigger house and charge your mum £300 pm rent. Totally acceptable as there is no reason she should live for free as it were.

Then when you sell the house if you sell the house you owe your siblings nothing.
They clearly don't want the emotional burden of caring for their mum so they don't want the financial burden either.

Stop being a matar op Flowers
If the bigger house will make you all happier including your mum then like any adult she needs to contribute.

Mmmmdanone · 28/09/2020 20:26

Could your siblings help you buy the bigger house, as an investment? So when you do eventually sell it they will all get back what they put in and probably more.

Cocomarine · 28/09/2020 20:29

Is it £2-300 a month total from all 3 that you want, or £600-900 in total?

RedHelenB · 28/09/2020 23:28

They are unwilling to help so you need to discuss with your mother what to do and how much she can contribute. Nothing to do wit has your siblings at all if she spends all her money and there is no estate in order to remain happily housed with you,

Racoonworld · 29/09/2020 06:48

Why does your mum need to live with you? Sounds like she’s relatively young with a few minor health issues, and was working until recently. Can she not find her own place to live when she gets her state pension next year? If it’s just that you want her to live with you and she wants to, then that’s really between you and her and not up to your siblings to contribute.

ArtemisBean · 29/09/2020 07:19

Two things jump out at me. First, you have the smallest house and the most children. Your other siblings should be doing their fair share. Second, arthritis and bunions are not conditions that require care on the level you describe, so unless her macular degeneration is so advanced that she can't navigate around the house safely I don't really understand why she isn't living independently?

ArtemisBean · 29/09/2020 07:21

Also, where is your wife in all this? You say your mum lives 'with me' not 'us'. If your wife is still with you, she gets a say in what happens in her house and where your combined income goes.

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2020 07:28

I think you’re all wrong, 200-300 a month is up to nine hundred a month. That’s not a contribution. That’s profiteering, your mother can’t cost you 1200 a month, if you include your share.

Work out how much your mother costs you, show them the bills, and then ask dor that among split. But asking for nearly a grand a month is too much

Cheesypea · 29/09/2020 07:28

Your mum can contribute to the house hold via her benefits. If your siblings are not williing/able to contribute financially there isn't much you can do tbh. I'm guessing she's supposed with domestic tasks/ childcare over the years?

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 29/09/2020 07:39

It is fairly easy to get a place in very sheltered housing (it becomes available regularly, for obviously reasons). There are wardens on call should she need them. Try and get her a place there.

YukoandHiro · 29/09/2020 07:47

I'm struggling to understand why if your mum has until recently been working and is relatively independent, she needs to live with any of you just yet? Doesn't sound like she has major care needs.

Margo34 · 29/09/2020 07:48

Your poor mum! She must be heartbroken and (you aside) feeling so unwanted by her other children, especially since your DB 'doesn't want to live with her', and that your 2 DS don't seem to have any interest in looking out for her.

No advice but really feel for your DM.