Inheritance

[Sarahpaula]

This sounds strange to write but I wondered did anyone have any similiar experience and advice.

I grew up poor. And I was then in low paying jobs. My mum brought me up, my dad had nothing to do with me, and never paid us maintenence. I went to see him as an adult in another country, and he told me he didnt want to see me again, so i did not try again.

In my 30's, my Dad killed himself, and left me a substantial amount of money. A lot.

Three years ago. It is weird because I read about lottery winners losing the plot and going mad , and i thought how could it be.

But I feel the same. I have so much anxiety because I am afraid about spending the money on the wrong thing. It sounds stupid, but it has caused me a lot of anxiety in the past few years. I have become paralysed to spend it in any way, for fear of making the wrong decision.

I have wanted to buy a house , and put the deposit down on a few houses, and then backed out because I am so afraid of making the wrong choice.

I am getting torn up with anxiety about making the wrong decision on what to spend the money on.

I think this is compounded by the fact that I didn't know my dad and that he killed himself.

Anyone been through similiar? Any advice

I have inherited money but not in that way.

Have you had counselling? That could help you with how you think about your dad & money etc.

As for the money, just keep it safe for a bit. Don't decide anything in a hurry.

@parietal did you feel overwhelmed about the money? I thought it would feel amazing, and I look at it and I just panic, panic, panic.

Yes the circumstances probably haven't helped.

Yes I think i will just leave it there for a while, and in a couple of years maybe I will feel better and have more wisdom about what to do with it.

I have spent a chunk of the money on travel, and then I beat myself up mentally, that I wasted that money.

I am going to put the rest in an account and not touch it for some years.

It sounds as though he was in a really bad place, mentally, OP, for a lot longer than you thought. Does you mum ever say he suffered from depression? Perhaps you could see your lack of relationship with him in a different light knowing there were clearly mental health problems with you.

Do you know any of his family?

Don't forget that buying a house isn't an irreversible decision, but if you feel you couldn't take pleasure from it at the moment then I'd seek advice from a financial adviser and save it for now.

I felt like this for a while- paralyzed by indecision. I just couldn’t decide what house to buy and kept pulling out. I was terrified I would make the wrong choice. In my case I’d saved up the money and was terrified to waste it.

It’s hard op - do you feel like your father would somehow disapprove if you bought the wrong property? Like maybe the money means he loves you but you would lose that if you spent it unwisely?

Ultimately op, your father has died and your relationship with him was not the best. I think you should try to come to terms with that. I know it’s hard though- I have a similar relationship with my father who lives overseas

Invest it in a house once it’s clear what’s happening with the housing market. Maybe Easter time?

@CayrolBaaaskin it is so weird! Because logically I can think:
What on earth am I getting worried about having money for, there are a million worse problems than that. I am very lucky.

But I also feel that - I have never had money, and I don't know how to cope with having money, and I feel so overwhelmed.

And yes I am afraid of wasting my Dad's money. It was his money.

Even just writing this all down I feel a bit better. I will not rush to do anything with kt.

I know that feeling so well of putting a deposit on a house, and pulling out.
It is scary.

Did you ever buy a house in the end? Or keep it as savings

I just worry that I am going to blow through the lot, spending it on rubbish.

I think I will try and put it in one of those long term savings accounts that I can't touch for a while.

Op, I don’t think your anxiety is over inheriting the money as such, I think it’s because you associate the money with your father and feelings of rejection and inadequacy as a result of your non-relationship with him. You are probably subconsciously wondering whether your father would approve of you spending the money in a particular way which is causing you to feel anxious. I would suggest a counselling programme to help you come to terms with your fathers absence in your life and suicide.

Buying an asset like property is a good idea whether you live there or rent it so it makes you money. Either way property will always eventually go up in value so the money might be spent but if you sell the home you have your money back

I suggest counselling too OP. The money is too tied up with very strong emotions.
I think it is a good idea not to do anything with it until you can separate the two a bit more. Strength.

Oh love.

This isn’t about the money.

First thing: spend some of it on counselling.

You have so much to deal with. Abandonment, rejection, suicide always leaves a trail of destruction, though we hope it brings the person blessed peace.

A house can bring security... but nothing has taught you that security can be relied on.

Keep your money safe while you look after the real treasure: yourself.

It's also the last ever link you'll have to your father and the "what might have been"s of your relationship. When it's gone, the last remnants of your relationship have gone.

I would second the idea of counselling. I don't think any of this is really about the money.

How old are you ?
Do you have a dh? dc ?

Is your Mum still alive?

Are you in touch with any other people who knew your Dad - his siblings maybe ?

I was in a similar situation, and I dont feel any guilt about it. If he had been a proper father that money would have been spent on making your life better every year of your childhood. Its money that should have benefited you already - it's your money. Spend it on what you want. Mine was enough for the deposit on a house and so changed my life massively. I gave up feeling guilty and have worked through most of the feelings of rejection now. Some people just arent able to be decent parents, it's not a reflection on you.

I would definitely organise to see someone. The anxiety you have needs to be salt with and talked about- there are so many things going on here, your dad rejecting you, but still providing for you after he died. You should be able to use the money in a way that you want- you clearly aren't wasting the money, but not feeling you can use it all, that is a waste. I would also see a financial advisor after you've found someone to talk to, so that you can have all your options put out for you x

Is it enough to buy you a secure home? A secure home is rent you won't pay in old age. That's a good start and will probably help to reduce anxiety and make you feel more comfortable making property and financial decisions.

I would also speak to a family solicitor about trust structures etc - to ensure you can keep the inheritance should you marry (and divorce).

Hi OP, you story is very very similar to mine, without the inheritance. Never knew father ( he's still alive) but totally rejected me several times over my life . I would definitely seek counselling before you do anything with the money . On another note, my DH inherited quite a lot of money when his lovely mum passed away 10 years ago. We were pretty poor at the time, both in low paid work. We put down a deposit on an amazing house and my husband retrained to do something that he had wanted to do for many years. We now run a very successful business and have several properties. Think long and hard about what you want to achieve in your life, what would you love to do. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, there is no rush but maybe have a 5 year plan . Good luck . I know that rejection from a parent is devastating but take something that is a negative and turn it into a positive

You need counselling op to help you work through this.

You say you are worried about burning through it but it sounds like you haven't spent much of it at all?

Don't lock it away in a long term saving plan for now, just leave it where it is. Get counselling and then when you are ready get financial advice.

Property can be a good investment. But you need to tackle your guilt first. Good luck.

@Sarahpaula - I got anti depressants and counselling for a break up I was going through. I too felt overwhelmed and too anxious to make a decision. I did end up buying a house- i bought it without overthinking or analyzing and just “held my nose” and jumped. It was scary but like you say my logical brain knew it was the right thing. My heart was thumping at times though and I couldn’t sleep etc.

I think we both have the issue with lack of validation from poor parenting- our fathers both didn’t want anything to do with us. That made me feel like I wasn’t good enough- of course it wasn’t my fault rationally but I felt as if it was and there was something wrong with me. It’s hard to get to a resolution with these sorts of feelings but It definitely helped when I had my own children and I thought how I could never abandon them no matter what they did. That helped me realize it was his fault not mine.

Did you ever get counseling or ads?

I totally get the indecision thing though. I felt utterly paralyzed for months and very anxious about it all.

Thanks very much for the answers.

Obviously it is a great thing to have it - my brain just couldn't seem to think about it in the right way.

I think mentally I wasn't in a good place with my life, or with or his death.

A five year plan is a good idea. I do want to but a house, but I am in too much of an anxious state of mind to do it this year. I will wait until I am ready to do it.

A house would offer you security which he didn’t.

The best easy-access account at the moment is an N,S&I one ie government-backed. Why not open one of those? The interest is paid monthly into another account rather than into the investment account, so you could enjoy an income from the money, without actually 'wasting' the money iyswim.

You dont have to keep the money. Give it to the Samaritans or another charity to do with suicide perhaps?

Did he actually leave you the money or was it under the intestate rules you inherited?

You might like Dave Ramsey’s baby steps for advice on what to do with your money. He has a free podcast. When you say you have been losing deposits on houses do you mean the full 10% each time after exchange or have you been putting down a relatively small deposit on a new build?