Do you have secret savings?

[probablynotthesame]

Just that really.

I have money set aside not a huge amount less that 100k but more 30k my partner thinks I have about 15k. That wasn't intentional by any means I told him what I thought I had (I'm getting more out of a property sale that I initially thought) but said that was my money (we don't have a joint account) which he is fully supportive of my independence with money he has his own savings too.

Basically what I'm asking is it ok to have money that your partner doesn't know about? Is it dishonest? When I think about it I wouldn't care if my partner had 100k in savings as long as he was still paying bills and living within means.

A contingency account is just prudent planning as you never know what's going to happen in the future. Not so much secret - more like not advertised

I have such an account and lo and behold EXDP turned out to have some serious issues that I didn't know about which has caused me to leave and knowing I had that money is a source of comfort.

I’d never feel the need to have secret savings because I’d never stay in a relationship with somebody who insisted that a) we had to know the details of each other's financial situation and b) thought we should have shared finances.

I have sizeable savings and investments, as does DP, but we don’t really discuss amounts or plans and we’re both fine with that. We contribute equally towards shared bills but otherwise what’s mine is mine and what’s his is his.

However, the general MN consensus is that if a woman has secret savings she’s being sensible and prudent; if a man has them he’s financially abusive and can’t be trusted.

Hmmm yes I agree it's just not 'advertised' if he asked me outright I'd tell him I don't have anything to hide and it's secure because we don't share finances.

To be clear he's never asked, I've offered up the info in general conversation, we are planning on buying a house together so naturally finances came up.

To be honest he literally doesn't care how much I have and I don't know how much he has, I do know he has no debt though and is sensible with money.

I'm just wondering what the norm is with couples! Am I being weird that I don't want to disclose my savings??

I think most couples generally expect transparency, though it’s probably more common for married couples than unmarried ones, and if each partner earns well and has comfortable savings then they’re more likely to be easygoing about not sharing money or divulging details. I think as long as neither one of you is struggling whilst the other has a stash in the bank and keeps their mouth shut about it, it’s acceptable.

I think I still have 28p in a dormant account from a couple of decades ago, since before I met dh. Does that count?

I've managed to save £3000 during lockdown. And I've done most of my Xmas shopping. I have access to the 1st direct accounts that we share, but my m&s one is just for me. I transfer bill money over and we have a household account for things like new boiler. Used to be the mortgage account but I finished paying my share a few years ago.

DH knows I have some savings and if he asked, id tell him. But for now it's my mad money fund.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/observer.com/2016/01/a-story-of-a-fuck-off-fund/amp/

IMO everyone should aim to have this; it’s the only reason I managed to leave an abusive ex. My DH knows I have my own savings but he doesn’t know quite how much as to me it’s my money and my business. We have joint savings for holidays, rainy day stuff and that is all transparent even though I manage it.

Yes it's the transparency thing that's getting to me, on one hand I feel like I'm hiding something from him, on the other hand I feel like why does it matter if he knows or not?

We both earn well, above national average but not in the high earners club. We both have our own places but I'm moving into his as he is closer to the city centre and are saving from scratch for a deposit on a house to buy together. Gives us time to live together and not kill each other before buying a place too!!!

The plan in the future is to buy a place and get married but I want to protect my hard earned and saved money. I have a child from a previous relationship which I'm solely responsible for (father out the picture since child was a baby) so I have DC to think about too.

I've been independent for a while now so moving onto shared finances is quite daunting to me!

If he genuinely isn’t bothered by you having your own savings, is aware you have some and has never asked for details then I can’t see why it should be an issue: you essentially are being transparent, you’re not pretending you have nothing.

But if you want to protect what you have, don’t get married, especially not if you have a child that isn’t his. Joint finances and an expectation that if it all went wrong you’d each walk away provided for equitably are literally the entire point of marriage, however much nowadays we like to pretend it’s all about being soulmates and undying love!

Yes, I have my own savings. I call it my running away fund. I'm not planning on going anywhere but it's there if I need it. DH knows of its existence but not how much I've squirrelled away. I'd tell him if he asked, but he's not the sort who'd want to know. It was my very canny grandmother who advised both my mother and me to make sure we always had access to money of our own. It's very sensible advice.

I’ve got about 20k just in my name/my account.

DH is aware of it and we have a lot of other savings, but he is totally aware that it is money that is either immediately accessible if anything happened to him, or equally if it needed to be my fuck off fund.

My grandma drilled it in to me to have a means of independence from being about 12.

No and have never considered it nor has DH given me cause to think I need it.

Buying a house together and getting married are both serious commitments, and I would expect you both to be honest about your financial situations.

If you were to marry and then divorce in the future, both your savings and his would go in the pot to be shared, along with the house if you are to be joint tenants.

I would advise it to my DC to have savings that is theirs as they grow up and have absolutely no problem with DP having his own savings.

I guess it's very wise wether male or female to have your own money and independence. I foolishly relied on a man before and got my fingers very burnt which is why I'm wary of financial stability.

I have a small amount of savings. Much smaller than your pot but enough I'd could pay the deposit and rent on somewhere if I needed to.

After finding myself leaving abusive ex with clothes and toys and nothing else to my name I swore I'd never put me and ds in that situation ever again.

I think it's wise for any adult to have an emergency pot of funds. Also, I don't see the harm in not "declaring it".

Yes I do. Not intentionally kept from him as I had it before we met. But it's a substantial sum.

I have my own bank account as does DH. We also have joint account we pay £1k each into every month. 2 adult sons living at home also contribute to joint account. During lockdown I have saved loads as no travel money. I have barely put fuel in my car, no lunches out with friends, no meals out with DH, no activities for child, no lattes when out shopping, no impulse buys, no cleaner or window cleaner to pay, no after school clubs. I am up about £4k. DH knows I have savings on my account but I don't think he realises how much. It is not really secret though and if we divorced it would go into the pot along with his money.

I have my own savings, but not a huge amount. Less than £5k.

I had a running away fund and was glad of it when my ex and I split up. As others have said if you get married and then divorced (obviously everyone thinks it will never happen) all your savings and assets are split between you even accounts that are in your name or that you had before you met. It is one of the reasons why I'm reluctant to get married tbh.

With the idea of getting married I was thinking my safety net would be getting a prenup. Although I haven't looked at the into this yet so not entirely sure how secure this is under UK law.

I have substantial savings.
I'm sure the bloke I'm seeing knows I have savings, I don't think he has any idea how much.
I don't intend to marry again (but I'll see where life takes me, I've felt like that before), and not being prepared to potentially expose my capital is a big part of that.

@probablynotthesame When I made a will recently I spoke to the solicitor about making a prenup in case I ever got married again and she said that they are more secure now and it would be a good idea.

@everyonebutme thanks for that, it's something I will look into in more detail. We have expressed we would both like to get married but no engagement yet...!

Not in cash but I managed to not sell my first house that I bought alone when we moved in and got married, it was right after the (2008) crash and was in negative equity.

Been renting it out to a lovely single mum and her 2 sons for years, haven't needed to increase the rent as it covers costs plus a little for maintenance buffer so she's happy and if I ever really needed to I could borrow against it for some capital.