Husband has a gambling problem

[Lauryloo1991]

Hi ladies in gonna keep this as simple as possible but it's all very fresh so if I'm rambling I'm sorry.

• When my husband and I were first together he had a bunch of debt he didn't tell me about. We were trying to get a mortgage but obviously couldn't (he had got payday loans) this was not due to gambling--he had a shit job with shit pay!

-my parents loaned us money to pay off the debt so we had a clean slate and my mum went on a mortgage with me for a fixed 5 years mortgage so we could get on the property ladder (my parents are amazing) -the plan was to remortgage after 5 years and get my husband on the mortgage with me instead. -I told him he can't ever get a credit card or loan again without telling me or it's over.

• 3 years later we are married and I am 20 weeks pregnant. I just had a feeling something is amiss with money (he never goes out with mates and yet he doesn't seem to be saving any money) so I asked him. Eventually (because he knew I'd find out when we remortgage anyway) he admitted to me he is in 18 grands worth of credit card and loan debt because he has a gambling problem.
• he has always paid his half of the bills etc and has kept up the payments in all these loans and credit cards.
• I know gambling addiction is a disease but I just feel like it's different - he doesn't do it all the time and he his personality hasn't changed. He has managed to still keep up the payments despite getting himself into debt. But I have no experience with it so I don't know if this is still a gambling problem or just pure selfishness?
• I'm not daunted about paying it back. We will manage. I feel angry though. Angry for me and angry for my little girl who isn't going to see the life she deserves for a few years because of this.
• I'm also worried he now won't be able to get on the mortgage with me in 2 years time in which case I can't ask my mum to stay on so we will have to sell up and lose our house.

-I feel like I'm in a bad dream and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should stay with him. I don't know if he is a risk and one day he could lose us everything. He has happily agreed to both get paid into one account and both of us only have spending money from that account. The rest is our joint money. He has said I can have the login for his bank statements and his credit report that I can check whenever and he is clearly devestated he has done this. And he has said he will go to gamblers anonymous. But is this enough? And do you think he will find another way to gamble our lives away?! What kind of life is that for either of us anyway. I just don't know what to do and don't know if he can get on the mortgage with me even if I wanted him to. The loan will be paid off before then and possibly one of the 4 credit cards, leaving us about 9 or 10 grands worth of debt left on 3 cards. But I know they look back on your finances too so i don't know. Anyone with any experience or advice please get in touch. I love this man to pieces but I am devestated and don't know what to do. Thank you x

I'm so sorry. This is appalling.

In your shoes I would talk to a mortgage broker, and I'm afraid I would also talk to a divorce lawyer. I'm not saying you have to divorce him, I don't know either of you! But find out your liabilities and what options you have.

You once told him it would be over if he did this. He either didn't believe you, didn't care or has too much of an addiction to stop. To be honest, the reasons why matter less than the practical situation. You don't have to stick to an ultimatum just because you made it but clearly it was important to you then at least.

I know that some marriages survive this if the partner gets immediate help both psychological and practical. But frankly I have no idea how. As the daughter of a father with something similar though not identical, it was ruinous to us both personally and financially. I could deal with infidelity but financial betrayal like this is a deal breaker for me as a result.

I would stick to your promise of ending the relationship.

He hasn't hit his rock bottom, he hasn't stopped gambling. You will spend your life bailing him out.

SIL lost her home in the end that was worth £250 and the original mortgage was £90k.

Yes we lost our home too.

Thanks for your advice. Part of me feels like I should make good on my ultimatum but I'm also terrified to be a divorced single mum to a brand new baby. And I love him and wanted a real family for her. But I totally get that it's no good for her if he loses us everything. I'm sorry you had to go through a similar situation with your dad. I really appreciate your reply x

Sorry I thought I could reply to specific people but I'm not sure I can! Thanks everyone for your input. I'm in a terrible situation either way now and I don't know what's best. I really don't. I can't believe he let me get pregnant! X

You got pregnant based on your knowledge of the situation, which wasn't complete because he lied to you.

Is he seeing his GP, going to Gamblers Anonymous? Have you now got access to the financial records? Basically, has he stopped and how do you know?

Poor you :( so sorry
Do not let him on the mortgage with you. Ask your mum now if she can continue the mortgage with you.
Check your credit report too and see if you can sever yourself financially from him.
I believe marital debt is joint debt so that is your debt too :(
I would honestly divorce him but let him stay as on as a couple if you love him. At least that way you are protected financially. He really can’t say no. He also needs to go to GA.
There has been many many threads about gambling on here and it always ends up a shit show. You need to protect yourself.
What are your earnings potential? You need to prepare to be a single parent at some point just in case.

You love him, but he lives gambling more than you

I would ask him to move out.

You can't trust him. He has lied every day. He has taken out multiple credit cards and a loan. He lies every time he gambles.

Even if payday loans are paid off they stay on your credit report. It's highly unlikely he will get a mortgage.

He didn't believe that you would end the relationship. If you stay them he will know this for sure.

He let you get pregnant because it would tie you to him and you would be less likely to leave.

You can't trust him.

Tbh if you do decide you want to stay together I think all of his money needs to go into an a/c that only you have access to. You need to give him a daily allowance for the basics , transport, drink, food etc . If he doesn't agree, or you can't see yourself being able to police him to that degree then perhaps it's better that you split.

He has stopped as far as I'm aware. I literally found this out yesterday but I'm going to have access to his bank account and credit report, so all his finances by this weekend. Will just take a while to sort which is why we haven't done it yet. So I will know, but I don't know yet. He hasn't got any payday loans for Yr he last 5 years so that won't be in his credit report anymore. He is the nicest most gentle person you could meet and I know he doesn't have a vindictive bone in his body. I am in no way defending him here but I know what I've said makes him sound like some user. You guys are right he obviously hasn't listened to what I said about it being over and if I stay he will never take me seriously.
I don't want to be failure in everyone's eyes. It's a stupid reason to stay and it won't make me stay but I'm so devestated. A single divorced mum at 29 is not an easy life and I'm terrified.

Yes. You're frightened and facing a difficult future whatever you do, and he has created that situation.

You don't have to leave, you don't have to divorce him. If you don't, you are going to have to worry about this every day for a very very long time. I gave my dad money every month for many years in my 20s and 30s until my own husband protested. I did that because I couldn't stand (or afford) his random requests for urgent bigger money in a crisis. He died with nothing but ar least with no debt, but he had persuaded his girlfriend to give him £100,000 for a scam he thought was true. He seemed nice too.

Has he seen his GP or got the details of Gamblers Anonymous? And I dont mean you doing it, he needs to.

It's extremely important you separate your finances from him. don't have joint accounts anything. You need to keep your credit rating top notch. If you are married consider a will to ensure your children inherit and not your husband.

Whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not I would certainly divorce him and make sure you have no financial ties to him to protect you and your DD moving forward.

Your parents really do sound amazing.

He’s about to become a father, time for him to grow up and start taking responsibility for himself.

Hey there.

I just wanted to say I too thought he had stopped. He handed over access to his banking and less than two weeks later dropped coffee on his tablet so it was unusable and he couldn't show me.

I believed him.

But it hadn't stopped. It never stopped. It's still ongoing now, three years on, and he turned into a vile creature who went out of his way to drag me through divorce court. He lied about everything. Our marriage was a sham. I was a prop, used to cover up his addiction.

It isn't pretty. And I can say from my own experience that until you, his enabler and facilitator (because sadly now you know about it and if you forgive him and carry on, he will do it again, which means you are enabling it....) get out of that relationship, you will be weaved into his tangled web of addiction too. In my case his own DM is his facilitator now. It is utterly tragic but that's her choice. Not mine. Good luck.

My ex H was and possibly still is a gambler. I bailed him out twice in a similar situation to you (over twenty thousand pounds of debt both times).

We did all the things you are suggesting. I managed the bank accounts, but there is nothing stopping them taking out additional credit cards, which is what he did.

The final straw was when I found out he was trying to take it another loan behind my back.

After 20 years of marriage there was zero trust or respect. I was exhausted, I'd lived for years on high alert trying to monitor his behaviour and decide if he was gambling again.

We had to sell the house (thankfully I could buy a smaller cheaper property). Yes I have a mortgage and bills, but I am in full control of my finances and the relief is unexplainable.

In hindsight I should of left after the first time. I would of left with more money. Instead I tried to fix him. Another mistake was keeping his secret from family and friends. That allowed him to continue.

He is now on a DMP and I'm more thankful than ever not to be linked to him financially.

Think very carefully about the life you want for you and your daughter.

I come from this from your daughters perspective trust me when I say they never stop. Gamblers are basically professional liars. They gaslight, manipulate and pretend to be remorseful only when caught it's a never ending vicious circle of deceit.

Cut all ties, make sure you share no financal links, run for the hills and get your daughter away from this situation. You both deserve better.

I can assure you from bitter experience that he may have 'stopped' right at this time, but it won't continue
My ex got a thrill from trying to get something for nothing instead of working for his money. It started as a bit of a laugh and developed into many thousands of pounds of debt. If I had stayed he would have dragged me down with him. I think it's an addiction like any other and never really truly goes away. It doesn't mean the person is bad but they will nearly always turn into a liar.
Twenty years on he has nothing, almost retirement age and never bought a property again, moving around little rented bedsit type places. He's relying on wealthy parent dying and will then, no doubt, not be content with his inheritance but will try to gamble to increase it.

Gambling is an awful addiction, I do feel extreme sadness for those in this situation. Definitely needs Gamblers Anonymous, no question. Find out everything you can about the help available.Get all the apps off his phone, close any accounts.

Have another conversation with him, make sure there’s no more hidden debt, loans from friends.

Only you know what should happen now but I’d be tempted to end it with him for your own sake. One person in my family is married to a gambler and he seems to have stopped and they’ve got over the debt, but I don’t know what the future holds for them. A friend of mine’s husband gambled everything away, the house, loans from friends, credit cards, everything. She divorced him and lived a difficult life until she’d got out from under what she owed, and her family helped her. God knows what happened to him.

Sorry you are going through this, have had experience with this.
I sorted all the finances out the first couple of times he didn’t even say he was sorry.
The third time it happened ( this was over a period of 17 years) I told him I was divorcing him, moved into the spare room and refused to discuss it with him for two weeks, I was so angry.
He went on his knees and begged, and I mean begged for me to give him a chance.
So for what it’s worth here’s my advice.
He ran up the debt and is responsible for it, therefore he must pay the debt, it comes out of his personal money, not family money, if that means selling his stuff or getting a paper round so be it.
If you help and organise the paying of the loan you are enabling his behaviour, he must sort it out.
However you are in charge of all the money, his supply is cut off.
You have full access to all his credit report enabling you to see if he has taken out a new loan/ credit card.
He attends gamblers anonymous.
You cut all financial ties with him, until he has proved himself he is the lodger in your home.
Me and my husband are still together and I trust him overall, but not enough to stop checking the credit reports.
Good luck

Thanks all for your input. He is going to sort gamblers anonymous this weekend but you have given me a lot to think about. Really appreciate your time x

I am getting the login to his bank account and his credit report so he couldn't get another card or bank account or loan without me knowing. But I still don't know if that's enough to stop him doing it.

@Lauryloo1991

I am getting the login to his bank account and his credit report so he couldn't get another card or bank account or loan without me knowing. But I still don't know if that's enough to stop him doing it.

Just going to issue a word of caution on this point. Please don't assume this will be enough to stop him. If he wants to get his hands on money he will find a way. From my own experience the more you try to control the situation the more risky the source of this money becomes.

The fact you already doubt he will stop should also be a major warning that you know deep down you will be unlikely to ever rebuild the trust you had. Think carefully about whether you honestly want to spend the rest of your life second guessing and worrying about this issue and when it will next rear its ugly head.

I’m so sorry OP, I’m not saying for you to leave him but just contemplate the life of living with an addict, any addict. It’s like having another child but without that unconditional love. Resentment can build quickly.
As another poster said, always being on “high alert”. I also don’t believe he’s ready to stop, he’s panicking and saying everything to try and make you not walk away. If a gambler wants to gamble he will. His family and friends need to know too so not to lend him money.