Not sure wether my mum is being unreasonable

[Kyle19]

I'm 18, not working at the moment, and still living at home so financially I'm relying on my parents. My mum has been keeping on at me about how much money I've been spending on alcohol, clothes, food etc. She even restricts me on when I can drink the alcohol that I BOUGHT and how much at a time I drink of it. She said that if I carry on spending this much money, she will confiscate my bank card. She says that as I'm getting my money from her she has the right to do that but

1. I don't get the money for nothing, I work my ass off for it and 2. If it's in the bank account IN MY NAME, and I'm 18 then surely she would need my consent to take that money?

I would never intentionally speak to her in a way that I thought that was disrespectful, but she's telling me that I have been. I speak to all my other family and friends in exactly the same way and I always apologise to them afterwards as I always have this gut-wrenching feeling that I've annoyed them but they never seem to know what on earth I'm talking about and I end up humiliating myself.

How do I calmly speak to her about this?

It sounds like you are exaggerating and making excuses a bit, to be honest.

You are living in their home so should expect to have to follow their rules. Do you pay them rent and contribute to bills?

Well,
She doesn’t have the right to take your bank card or any money from your account. But she could stop paying you for babysitting your siblings and being a carer for her. Then you’d have a choice of keep doing it for nothing, or move out.

So, since you are dependent on her for your income and home, it would be best to listen to her concerns about your spending habits. It’s troubling that alcohol was the first thing you listed in your spending. How much alcohol do you drink? Check the NHS guidelines. If you are exceeding them, she has a point and you need to cut back. If you are well within them, then she’s being a bit OTT and you can show her the guidelines and tell her she is the one being over strict. I think if you also reassure her that you won’t drink when babysitting or babysit after drinking, she would have more confidence.
Also, are you saving any money at all? Towards a long term purchase like a car to go to college or a trip abroad with the college later in the year? You should not be spending all your money. If you show your mum that you are being responsible with your money, then she won’t be as concerned.

My mum's just always telling me to remember the fact I'm only 18. Just makes me think 'exactly'. I'm pretty sure there's much worse 18 year olds than me.

I usually have about 5-6 bottles of lager every time I drink at home, unless I'm at a party

Oh no OP.
You are drinking a weeks worth of alcohol in one night!
“to keep health risks from drinking alcohol to a low level you are safest not regularly drinking more than 14 units per week – 14 units is equivalent to a bottle and a half of wine or five pints of export-type lager (5% abv) over the course of a week – this applies to both men and women” www.nhs.uk/news/food-and-diet/new-alcohol-advice-issued/

Well if that;s true it sounds like you're drinking a lot on your own. I understand your mum's concern.

Are you trying to make a point to your mum about your stepfather drinking so much?

I drink on occasional weekdays when we're celebrating something and then on a friday and saturday, eventually I'll be going pub on a sunday afternoon. I usually have about 5-6 bottles of lager every time I drink at home, unless I'm at a party.

You drink as standard 5-6 bottles of lager every Friday and Saturday? And soon you’ll be adding Sunday drinking in as well?

Yeah... that’s a lot OP.

Just because you drink less than your stepdad doesn’t mean that the level that you’re drinking is ‘not that much’.

Well yes, there is always someone worse than you. Like the 18yr old heroin junkie who let her newborn starve to death because she was to busy having sex and getting high. That’s “there’s worse than me” is not a valid argument at all.

With the money that you’re earning do you pay anything towards food, bills, rent?

Haffdonga I did use that as a point once but she just said "I can't believe you just said that, he's 51, your 18".

That is too much drinking. Of course she is going to say something.
How much rent are you paying her?

RedRed9 I don't earn anywhere near enough to make a helpful contribution to any of that

Notajogger none.

My stepdad drinks a lot but to be fair he looks after himself. Never seen him drunk in the 8 years I've known him, eats healthily and goes to the gym. By bottles of lager I did only mean 330ml bottles, not 600-700ml…

RedRed9 I don't earn anywhere near enough to make a helpful contribution to any of that

Respectfully, this is not true. You earn enough to treat yourself to at least 12 cans of lager a week. You could easily give her a tenner a week towards bills. Possibly she won’t accept it but showing thanks and consideration by offering it might mean a lot to your mum.

RedRed9 I didn't think that much money would make any difference, but if it will then I'd be more than happy to. Will speak to her about that when I see her next.

Just because you can’t pay the entire rent (for example) does that mean that you shouldn’t offer to pay anything at all?

You say being 18 means you should be left to be responsible for your own money. Being 18 also means taking responsibility for boring adult things. If you want her to see you as the adult that you’re growing in to then do this by showing her that you’re responsible.

And please chill out with the drinking!

Also meant to say well done for planning to speak to her! Sorry OP.

As someone who had their own flat at 17 I would encourage you to appreciate the fact your mum is allowing you to live at home rent free. If you have money to go to the pub and spend on at least 12 bottles of lager per week then you could at least contribute dig money. If you are relying on babysitting or odd jobs for cash then blowing it on alcohol I can understand why your mum would be annoyed. She clearly worried about your alcohol and it sounds though it is justified as that's alot to be drinking in one sitting. You can't compare yourself to your step dad as it's not justification for your actions.
Realistically there's nothing stopping you getting a part time job to allow you to contribute which would give you some independence.

@Kyle19

Haffdonga I did use that as a point once but she just said "I can't believe you just said that, he's 51, your 18".

When I asked if you were making a point, I meant you were doing it by drinking too much yourself.

I think you sound quite unhappy, lonely and angry. I hope college is great for you. Honestly save your money, cut out the beer and be kind to yourself.

You're drinking too much. You can't compare yourself with stepfather in this - men have greater capacity to drink more than women because of their greater body weight (?) Don't you need to save money for college?

tara66 I'm male. And no, the course is free. If I had dropped out of education and then decided to go back to college, I'd have to pay.

@Kyle19

My mum's just always telling me to remember the fact I'm only 18. Just makes me think 'exactly'. I'm pretty sure there's much worse 18 year olds than me.

I hate when teenagers pull that card. She's not saying it because you could just as well be homeless and addicted to heroin. She's saying it because she wants a better life for you than the choices you're making. It's a silly comparison to make. On par with saying "I didn't ask to be born". Stepdad can ruin himself with drink, that's his choice at his age. You're her child and very young. She can't legally take away your bank card but maybe that's a false threat to make you wake up and see that if you'll act like a petulant child, then that is how she will view you. If you're not happy living under that roof with those rules, then at the grand old age of 18, go out and work so you can get a place of your own. You're legally an adult, act like one and watch how differently you'll be treated.

I think it is possible that she is trying to exercise control over you
I pay my DCs Uni flat rent and give her £100 spending money as I don't want her working term time
I wouldn't dream of telling her what to spend it on
How are young adults meant to learn

You have just started another thread complaining your step dad is mean to you.
You do sound a bit teenage “that’s soooo unfair” to be honest
Decide whether you want to be treated like an adult or a child and act accordingly