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Original poster

Contributions when on very different incomes

50 replies

Chester6 · 29/01/2020 10:15

Hi, my husband and I have always had an arrangement whereby we contribute to the monthly bills as a percentage based on our salaries. (He earns double what I do). My husband has suddenly decided he wants us to split everything 50/50 though which is causing issues as it will leave me with much less disposable income whilst he enjoys a lot more. Also, I’m pregnant with our first child so trying to put money aside so I can buy some basics for the baby and manage whilst on maternity leave and still pay my share of bills but I won’t be able to save anything if he enforces this new rule or have any freedom to spend on little things i choose. What do others do please/what do you feel is fairest in this situation? Many thanks

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 29/01/2020 10:24

Why does he want to do that? It wouldn't be sustainable especially when you drop to maternity pay. We have a joint account and can both spend from that

steppingout · 29/01/2020 10:31

I think that's unreasonable. We have the same amount of personal spending money each month, everything else goes into a joint account for bills or joint savings.

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 29/01/2020 10:33

We pool everything, agree a budget together and then move an equal amount into our own accounts each month for personal spending (clothes, frivolous spending, etc). Our salaries used to be similar, then I went part time after having children, then for medical reasons I had to make a career change so now I earn less than a quarter of what DH earns but we see it all as family money.

PGtipsplease · 29/01/2020 10:36

Why the sudden change? I’d be really concerned about this especially your now essentially trapped with a baby.

When DH was earning considerably more than me we pooled our money, paid the bills then split the difference equally.

BlingLoving · 29/01/2020 10:36

So, if I understand this correctly:

  • He already has more disposable income than you but will now have MASSIVELY more disposable income than you?
  • when on maternity leave (and I assume on reduced pay) your contributions are expected to remain the same, even though you are not, in fact, earning anything?
  • you are having to save from your personal "disposable" income to pay for things for the baby? These are not being considered joint expenses?
  • Just a guess here, but I imagine he thinks you'll be paying for childcare from your disposable income down the line too?

I'm sorry OP, this has potential long term financial abuse written all over it. I honestly don't know what the solution is but under no circumstances can you accept this. You are supposed to be a partnership and you are currently pregnant. The baby will have expenses. You will need support and he doesn't get to suddenly decide that a) his financial contribution to family life is reduced and b) that you should take on the majority of the burden.

OverthinkingThis · 29/01/2020 10:45

What is his justification OP? It seems backwards to go from a %-based split to a flat 50/50 just as you have a baby on the way and your income will take a hit by being on mat leave. We did it the other way round and moved to % contributions when my income dropped (and I didn't pay anything when I was on unpaid ML) and it works really well so I wouldn't agree to change if I were you. How exactly is he able to 'enforce' it? That doesn't sound healthy.

Also baby basics are a household expense, not your responsibility to budget for from your disposable income.

BabyMoonPie · 29/01/2020 10:57

I would also be asking why does he want the change? We pay towards our outgoings in proportion to our income so DH pays more as he earns more. When I was pregnant I chose to save money but when my savings / maternity pay weren't enough to cover my share my husband paid the difference. She's our child and they are our outgoings so we're both responsible but not at the expense of the other

BabyMoonPie · 29/01/2020 10:59

And baby costs should come from the joint account - even the basics: car seat / somewhere to sleep / pram /clothes will add up to several hundreds of pounds - that shouldn't be your sole responsibility to find

BercowsFlyingFlamingo · 29/01/2020 11:00

Yet another abusive arsehole husband. He doesn't see you as equal in the marriage and pregnancy is when abuse often starts. I'm sorry you're in this position. Contact women's aid for advice 0808 200 0247Thanks

Wildorchidz · 29/01/2020 11:03

I would tell him to fuck off. Preferably for good. He’s a bastard.

Wildorchidz · 29/01/2020 11:04

And whatever you do, do not reduce your work hours and leave yourself financially dependent on him. Hopefully your house is in joint names?

Original poster
Chester6 · 29/01/2020 11:08

Thanks everyone for your kind responses. I just needed to know I wasn't being unreasonable not wanting to pay 50% when I'd be left with so much less. x

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 29/01/2020 11:13

Everything goes into a joint account, then an 'allowance' goes into a separate account for each of, to spend how we want. Everything else comes out of the joint pot, petrol, food evenings out, holidays etc..
The money in our joint own accounts gets spent on clothes, coffees/lunches with friends etc.
He is being an arse................. I suggest you sit down and ask him him why he thinks this will be a reasonable financial set up.

Hadalifeonce · 29/01/2020 11:14

sorry, that should read our own accounts

PGtipsplease · 29/01/2020 11:17

chester some times when a problem arises and you come on here to talk about it the responses can seem to be quite harsh. But the responses so far on here are from experienced women who have lived that life. So please take heed of the advice.

The fact he thinks this is ok to treat you like this is very telling. Be very careful Flowers

okiedokieme · 29/01/2020 11:19

Alarm bells ringing. Baby things are joint, your should be pooling money not you paying more. Be suspicious

Phillipa12 · 29/01/2020 11:21

So to sum it up, now you are pregnant your husband wishes to become a financially abusive arsehole..........

When i was married my then husband used to earn 10x what i did, he never expected me to contribute a penny after i had the dc, i did as wanted too. Now we are divorced he would still help me out financially if i needed it. Your dh is very unreasonable.

AiryFairyMum · 29/01/2020 11:24

Has he said why he thinks it's reasonable to change how much he pays in?

damnthatanxiety · 29/01/2020 11:44

What is his justification for wanting 50:50. Has he accepted he will have to pay you for the pregnancies and whilst on maternity leave as this is HIS child that will cause a drop in your earning and affect your body. Jeez. I'm so sorry for you. He should be worshipping you as you are going to be the mother of his child. Why do women stay with pig men like this?

Original poster
Chester6 · 29/01/2020 11:47

Thank you all. He said it's because I'm not grateful/don't acknowledge that he subsidises me and I seem to have too much disposable income as I have bought a few bits for the baby and myself etc.

OP posts:
sallievp · 29/01/2020 11:54

He thinks he SUBSIDISES you!!!!?????
You are pregnant with his child!!!!!
He sounds absolutely vile!
Not sure what else to say 😰😰😰😰

NotStayingIn · 29/01/2020 12:01

Grateful?!?! And how grateful is he that you are putting your career and earning capacity on hold to carry his child?

Wow. I think you need to have a really frank talk with him. This is so bad. If this isn’t addressed now you are heading towards a really shit financially abusive future. Take it very seriously OP and set proper time aside to discuss why he feels like that, how he sees your future, whether he realises the responsibility of paying for the child and your loss of earnings, etc etc. Good luck.

BercowsFlyingFlamingo · 29/01/2020 12:12

This is just the start. He will get worse. Many of us have unfortunately experienced this first hand. I'm willing to bet he won't do his share of the baby care. That will be your job. Not his. And is he does "help" then he'll expect a bloody medal.

BlingLoving · 29/01/2020 12:15

Oooh, he sounds just lovely.

It's a bloody partnership. If financial contribution is the only thing that counts in a partnership as far as he is concerned then you have a real problem on your hands in light of the fact that you are currently pregnant. I guess he doesn't value the sheer bloody effort and pain of the pregnancy/childbirth, any BF you may do, the 24/7 nature of being a mum in the beginning?

How do you guys split domestic chores currently? If it's not 50/50 then obviously there's a huge problem. Are you "subsidising" his share of domestic chores? Is he planning to do 50/50 of the required parenting? So obviously, as you'll be at home all day (but still paying 50% of the bills) I assume he will take over all baby related tasks from the moment he returns from work every day?

And you still haven't clarified why baby items are being paid for by you and not by your joint expenses.

Please OP, you need to address this n ow. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say perhaps he's just never thought about this stuff. But he has to think about it and if he doesn't realise he's being a twat, then you have a big big problem.

MerryGrinch · 29/01/2020 12:16

Presumably you'll be doing shared parental leave and he'll have to pay 50/50 out of his paternity pay and pay for baby related items during this period whilst you can do what you want with your earnings?