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Original poster

Contributions when on very different incomes

50 replies

Chester6 · 29/01/2020 10:15

Hi, my husband and I have always had an arrangement whereby we contribute to the monthly bills as a percentage based on our salaries. (He earns double what I do). My husband has suddenly decided he wants us to split everything 50/50 though which is causing issues as it will leave me with much less disposable income whilst he enjoys a lot more. Also, I’m pregnant with our first child so trying to put money aside so I can buy some basics for the baby and manage whilst on maternity leave and still pay my share of bills but I won’t be able to save anything if he enforces this new rule or have any freedom to spend on little things i choose. What do others do please/what do you feel is fairest in this situation? Many thanks

OP posts:
MerryGrinch · 29/01/2020 12:17

(I meant presumably since he wants things 50/50 from now on so this must be the deal of course)

Baaaahhhhh · 29/01/2020 12:18

Did you do vows when you got married? Remind him he probably said something along the lines of "Everything I have I share with you" or "Everything I have is yours". Remind him marriage is a partnership, and especially as you are expecting your first child, all your finances should be joint, and all bills and expenses coming out of a joint account.

BonnesVacances · 29/01/2020 12:24

Is it his baby? If so, he needs to subsidise its living costs which includes someone to grow it, give birth to it and care for it, including clothing it. Honestly, I get so fucked off with some fathers' shitty attitudes towards the mother of their child. Angry

Shmithecat2 · 29/01/2020 12:30

@Chester6

Thank you all. He said it's because I'm not grateful/don't acknowledge that he subsidises me and I seem to have too much disposable income as I have bought a few bits for the baby and myself etc.

Ask him for half the cost of the baby bits - its 50% his baby so....

Honestly, red flags all over this.

CrimsonCattery · 29/01/2020 12:37

Unless there is a huge backstory e.g. where OP is running up credit card debt on silly spending which he has been bailing her out for...

YANBU. Gratefulness shouldn't come into it when it comes to everyday family spending. You are equitably responsible for this and a straight 50:50 is unfair where one significantly outearns the other.

Is he 50:50 with you on all housework etc?

BrieAndChilli · 29/01/2020 12:43

this is very odd especially as it has come about once you are pregnant and really doesnt bode well for the future. If the child isnt 'grateful' enough is he going to refuse to buy them school uniform/food medicine??
I'd have a massive conversation with him about this and if he doesnt react well that tells you all you need to know and honestly I would get out now before you are on maternity and finacially dependant.
He will have to give you a proportion of his salary as child maintenance so you will be better off than if you stayed with him!!

DH would give me and the kids his last penny and would go without himself and has forgone things he has wanted to do/buy many times so that me and the kids can have what we need/want, has never moaned about spending money taking the kids to soft play/ me going for coffee and a chat etc.

84claire84 · 29/01/2020 12:51

This will only get worse when you have your baby and are on maternity pay then have childcare costs if you return to work.

He sounds like a proper arse and not one I would want in mine or my child's life

BabyMoonPie · 29/01/2020 12:52

How can you have had too much disposable income if you were paying proportionate to your income? Presumably he would still have more if he's the higher earner?

Ellisandra · 29/01/2020 12:58

You’re on the wrong board, lovely. Repost this in relationships. It’s not a financial issue, it’s an abuse issue.

HermioneWeasley · 29/01/2020 13:02

What are you grateful for? You’re married, not flat mates. You should have equal amounts of disposable money and why on Earth are you shouldering the cost of baby things alone?

Agree with those saying more red flags than a communism convention

GCAcademic · 29/01/2020 13:05

Yet another selfish arsehole who shows his true colours the minute his partner is pregnant . . .

NoSquirrels · 29/01/2020 13:08

There are MASSIVE RED FLAGS flying all over this.

You are pregnant with your first child. Classic time for financial abuse to begin or ramp up.

You use words like "enforce". Your husband isn't the one allowed to "make rules" and in no way could he "enforce" them.

You should BOTH be buying for the baby.

You should have a joint budget so that maternity leave does not disadvantage you financially.

Please, push back on this HARD. Tell him your arrangements need to change now you are pregnant and that it won't be changing to 50-50, it will be changing to him contributing MORE.

However difficult, you MUST address this or you will have a lifetime of financial stress. It will get worse as childcare etc comes into the picture.

You are far from alone in this. This month alone on MN there have been lots of threads about men refusing to play fair financially.

Didthatreallyhappen2 · 29/01/2020 14:10

I lost it at the phrase "if he enforces this new rule". Seriously???

I'm now a SAHM and rely completely on DH for money - he relies on me for running house, DC, absolutely everything else. We're an equal partnership. I know I'm somewhat old fashioned but even when I was working (which I did for years and years, albeit earning much less than he did), all money went into one big pot and we spent whatever was needed. I would have lost all respect for him if he had demanded that I pay a certain amount/couldn't buy things etc etc.

You are carrying HIS child. He needs reminding of this. I think he's behaving appallingly I'm afraid.

OverthinkingThis · 29/01/2020 14:14

His justification really isn't good OP. Once all household expenses are met jointly (and that includes all costs associated with DC), it's up to each of you how to spend your own 'disposable' income. I wouldn't put up with any partner passing judgement or telling me what to do with mine.

HGC2 · 29/01/2020 14:22

Doesn't sounds like a partnership that you have at all. We pay all salaries, bonuses etc into a joint account then put an allowance into each of our own accounts. That's for spending on anything not related to family or kids.

Do you make decisions together or is his word final? I think you really need to consider how you want this relationship to be when you have a baby.

fedupandlookingforchange · 29/01/2020 14:28

It might be worth working out how much you'd get if you were on your own. You would still get your maternity allowance, possibly some universal credit, council tax benefit, child maintenance, child benefit.
I'm not advocating a life on benefits but it may be easier in the short term and enable you to be in a better position in the long term.

PGtipsplease · 29/01/2020 14:31

You need to wake up and smell the coffee quickly chester

He’s showing you he doesn’t like you spending money on yourself and child. That’s abusive

ivykaty44 · 29/01/2020 14:47

When baby is born how is your husband going to fund 24/7 childcare? Just wondering

Could he stay home and look after baby and you go out to work for the first year? You could move to something cheaper if not affordable on your solo wage ( oh does he like living in a nice home and area)

This man child needs a blardy good talking to to stop being a selfish arse, he was happy to sow his oats now he needs to put the bread on the table and stop being a child ffs

Poor you op

But don’t let him get away with this

Tell him your quite happy to charge him for his half of the childcare you do...24/7

Or you can both be sensible and split the pot as a family

BohoBunney · 29/01/2020 15:34

He thinks he SUBSIDISES you!!!!?????
You are pregnant with his child!!!!!

This basically. Is contributing anything to this child or just sperm?

Panicovereveryone · 29/01/2020 16:18

Sometimes I wonder what is happening in the world. Leave OP, leave and don’t look back. A life of utter fucking misery is what he’s going to offer. IF and let’s just say IF he comes back begging, you MAY consider if this a man you want to live with. If he doesn’t at least you will have control over your own life. Fuck that.

Panicovereveryone · 29/01/2020 16:20

Oh and for the record DH and I have one shared bank account.

Your husband is a prick

PrinkingPreening · 29/01/2020 16:44

Very, very scary.

A married couple is a financial unit, not two separate financial units.

You both work and contribute to the good of the household and family. Sometimes the work is paid work, in which case the money goes into the shared pot and is used for everyone's expenses. Sometimes the work is unpaid (e. g. laundry, cooking, looking after children), in which case the benefits are felt directly by the family.

What you're describing is very weird and abnormal. It's not 'my' money or 'your' money, it's 'our' money.

Sadly there are some men who become abusive (financially or otherwise) once their partner becomes pregnant and they reckon they've got her effectively trapped.

choli · 29/01/2020 17:03

Start saving every penny you can, and get out of this marriage as soon as possible. This is not going to improve.

Chottie · 29/01/2020 17:07

Not another thread about a mean, entitled man.......... :(

So depressing - sadly he does not sound like a man who truly loves his wife and imminent child...

CallmeAngelina · 29/01/2020 17:12

And so it begins...

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