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Original poster

New partner and my house

66 replies

fairydust68 · 27/01/2020 21:45

I've been single 20 years paying a mortgage still have 2 boys 29 and 25 and have adopted my daughter who is 7
Recently met up with friend I've known over 20 years , went for drink and after 5 months we are very happy and I want him to move in - I'm 52 not getting any younger and I'm very happy
Question is , do I write a will so my kids get the house , he knows it's there house but what happens if I die first ? I would like him to stay in the house as it's not nice for him to move out !
Thanks for any advice

OP posts:
Original poster
fairydust68 · 28/01/2020 05:23

Can I say thanks for all your advice
I was interested in the will part of it not how how long I’ve been with him !! I’ve known him 20 years and I’m not that stupid !! My daughter has been with me since birth ! No trauma and she comes first hence the question ! So many negative comments but hey thanks again

OP posts:
Hanab · 28/01/2020 05:36

OP you may know him for 20yrs but you have not lived with him for that many years 🤷🏻‍♀️ A friendship is different than an intimate relationship .. when you add in financials and inheritance people change ...
you are coming from a good place wanting to take care of him .. have you discussed this with your adult children?
Wills can be changed & challenged .. be very sure how you proceed

GiveHerHellFromUs · 28/01/2020 05:42

OP what happens to your daughter if you die?
You say you don't want him to have to move out but what happens if you split up?

I'm pretty sure once you die the house is either owned by him or your children - whoever you leave it to.
You'd probably be better off speaking to your children about your wishes because I don't think there's any enforceable way of making them let him stay once they own the house

DearHappy · 28/01/2020 05:47

You seem more concerned about where he would live than your children.

AllyBamma · 28/01/2020 05:53

Regardless of how long you’ve known him and how confident you are in the relationship, your children come first. It’s just that simple. You leave everything to them but you could put a note in your will saying that you would hope your partner gets to remain living there. It would be completely up to your children though.

Starryskiesinthesky · 28/01/2020 06:01

You say your child has no trauma but they have a higher chance of having attachment problems due to not being with their birth parent.

beyoncessweatband · 28/01/2020 06:03

Knowing him for 20 years is not the same as dating for 5 months.

If you didn't have the 7 year old I'd have said moving him in isn't a big deal after 5 months. But you do and that child should come first: why can't you wait at least a year to see how things play out?

Does he have any assets to bring to the table?

I personally wouldn't be leaving anything to a boyfriend. Even if he became your DH, I still wouldn't leave him anything. You've built that equity without him. He doesn't deserve any of it.

If he needs you to accommodate / house him in death then he doesn't sound like much of a prospect.

I really hope providing for him is your idea, if he's raised the issue then I'd be worried he's a gold digger disguised as a friend.

Soontobe60 · 28/01/2020 06:08

You need to make a will that makes provision for your 7 year old mostly. Your other two children are adults and presumably havebtheir own homes? Who will have guardianship of your DD if you die?
Even if you don't make a will, the house would only be split between your children, no matter how long this man lives with you. I assume he has his own house? If so, suggest he rents it out for a while so that if things don't work out between you he has somewhere to return to.
I would be expecting him to pay you half the mortgage and bills when he moves in. Perhaps have a joint account for this money to go into, but keep your salaries separate. You can re-evaluate in a few years time if you're still together, but he shouldn't get a share in your property until your DD is an adult. If you marry, make sure you protect your children financially by making a new will immediately.

Apolloanddaphne · 28/01/2020 06:14

I think you need to write a will setting out what will happen with the house and your DD if you die. I would be asking your DP to make sure he can fend for himself elsewhere if you were to die so your house can be sold to provide for your DD. Be clear he won't be able to remain in the house. Your will can be revised when she gets to adulthood and is independent if you wish.

Powerplant · 28/01/2020 06:19

I think whatever you decide to do I would definitely have a will drawn up it will protect your children for the future.

twinnywinny14 · 28/01/2020 06:22

You’ve known him 20yrs so the 5 mths isn’t relevant really. If he will be guardian of your daughter after your death (if she’s young) then he could stay in the house until she is a specified age then it’s sold. You can specify if it’s between now and x date then such and such will happen and then update it in future if situation changes in any way

TopOftheNaughtyList · 28/01/2020 06:53

It would be helpful to know what your BFs current housing situation is before giving advice. Does he have a property of his own at the moment? What will he be doing with it if he moves in with you?

I too think 5 months is too soon if you have a young daughter, regardless of how long you've known him. You should definitely make a will to make provision for your daughter's guardianship if she's still under 18 when you die. Personally I'd allow the BF to stay in the property no more than 1 year before it has to be sold for the children. They are your blood (and adopted) kin and deserve to benefit more than someone who hasn't contributed to buying the house.

CalleighDoodle · 28/01/2020 06:56

I think the 20 years is a red herring here. Knowing someone twenty years isn't the same as being in a relationship with them. And you clearly didnt know him closely for that time as in the op you said ‘recently met up.’

Youve not said what his living arrangements currently are. Make me think he doesn't have his own home. And that it is more likely your children will end up with nothing. A life-time interest in your property at 52 could be for 40 years. And like a pp said, he could let the property fall down in that time. He could move another woman in. He might never speak to or have anything to do with your children in all that time, so it will be a random man living in the inheritance they should have had but dont because their mum was filled with lust and bad decisions.

5 months is a brand new relationship. Take more time before changing your daughter’s world completely. Take on board that most people here have said this is way too soon and think carefully about why he might want to move in so soon.

ShippingNews · 28/01/2020 07:19

If he is the same age as you, and you died this year, he could end up living in your house for another 40-odd years......in a house he has not paid for or contributed to in any way. So your kids could end up with nothing.

Why do you need to give him a home ?

userxx · 28/01/2020 07:27

I knew someone as a friend for a long time, dating him I saw a different side. He was a complete twat.

Make sure you have a will stating the house belongs to the kids, your partner will have to sort himself out.

SpanishTiles · 28/01/2020 07:36

What is your DP's current living situation and why do you see it as your responsibility to house him? 🤔

AdoreTheBeach · 28/01/2020 07:46

Op. Please listen to previous posters. If you want your DC to inherit the house, you need to plan in advance of your partner moving in. He does not pay the mortgage, he pays you rent. Any work he does around the house that may significantly improve it or it’s value, you buy the materials and pay him to do the work.

Allowing him to continue to live in the house after you die is something you need to really consider. Who would pay for upkeep/council tax etc? You couldn’t prohibit him from moving in a lady friend should he meet one after you’re gone.

My D.C. (and their cousins) inherited a flat over 20 years ago from great grandmother. HOWEVER, a “friend” was given a life interest in the flat. They could live in the flat for their life. During that 20 years they sometimes did or sometimes rented it out. No redecoration was ever done, no maintenance was ever done. When the DC eventually were given the flat, it was so run down, so many repairs before any decorating could be done, everything needed replacing. They had to sell the flat at a big loss compared to value of flats in same building, as none had funds for these repairs/decoration. So if your idea is to ensure your DC have a home or for your assets to help the DC, think carefully.

Bonkersblond · 28/01/2020 07:47

Please make sure your children are looked after in your will, my DF married my SM within 6 mths of DM passing, DF has since died, SM has inherited a substantial estate (she entered relationship with nothing) the Will was split between my Step siblings and us when SM dies but I have no doubt it will all be left to step siblings. This guy could move someone else in and do the same. Never underestimate what a man can do if he needs someone else to look after him. My DM fully expected her DC to at least have a share. My DC are looked after if anything happens to me and I fully trust DH but I need it water right within the will. also DH mirrors mine.

CrimsonCattery · 28/01/2020 07:48

Does he own a house? What will happen to that?

Does he have an income? One way to ensure his safety net would be to take no 'rent' off him and he uses the money saved to get a buy to let he could move into if you die.

Who will look after your 7yo? If its one of your adult sons, would it be best to keep her living in your current house with them?

DearHappy · 28/01/2020 07:49

Hasn’t he got his own home/money/job?

userxx · 28/01/2020 07:58

Never underestimate what a man can do if he needs someone else to look after him

This with bells on. Men don't dwell, they move on sometimes with lightening speed.

sandyfoot · 28/01/2020 08:08

If you were going to formalise leaving him a right to stay in the house you would need to do Liferent as other PPs have said. I'd be very hesitant to do that because you could leave your kids with nothing for the next however many decades. Bear in mind he could also meet someone else who could then move in. If I were you I would prioritise your children.

Techway · 28/01/2020 08:10

Everyone here says 5 months is too soon, but I disagree at your age. Things move faster the older you get

But that doesn't make it sensible. I don't think you move faster when older as you tend to have more life experience and know the pitfalls

OP, why do you think that you need to change your Will at this stage? The living together is still surely a trial for a good few years as you may not be compatible living together.

If he is similar age then I assume he is your equal financially or has even more so housing himself wouldn't be an issue. If he isn't then be cautious as there is nothing more attractive to a cocklodger than a single woman who will put a roof over his head, cooks meals and cleans.

There was a post recently from a woman, very similar situation, as she knew him for years but now couldn't get him to leave. He wasn't who she thought he was.

Quartz2208 · 28/01/2020 08:13

First off of course you write a will, everyone should have a will and yes you make sure it goes to your children and guardianship for your daughter. Everyone should do that

It’s 5 months why should he stay at yours surely he has some assets etc ability to house himself. Unless he doesn’t in which case what are you thinking

RhymingRabbit3 · 28/01/2020 08:13

I would like him to stay in the house as it's not nice for him to move out
I would be less concerned about being "nice" and more concerned about your childrens future. Maybe in 10 years if he has loved with you all that time and contributed financially and emotionally to the relationship, then you could change your will to reflect this, but it is too soon now.

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