Is my fiancé using me financially?

[ElroyJetson]

Me and my girl have been together a few years.

When we met she was paying all her own bills after her divorce. She worked full time and made enough to BARELY pay the rent, utilities, car payment, etc. After about 5 months of sorta living with her (we spent a lot of time together) she started saying I should move from my place and just split bills with her...so I started giving her half of rent and half of utilities. I was still trying to be a gentleman so of course I was paying for things like food when we went out.

Anyway...about 6 months later I ended up buying a house for us to live in, we talked about budgeting for it and she agreed to pay $700 on the mortgage. That’s way better than the $1100 she was previously paying for rent alone. I thought GREAT - we are buying a home and we’ve both reduced our expenses tremendously!

Wrong.

Her mother ended up having some serious health problems for a month and she quit her job, but went back to work PART TIME. After not attempting to pay “her part” of the mortgage for a few months I said hey...don’t worry about it and just start buying all the groceries. I thought hey if we eat at home she buys the groceries — that’s as good as handing me money.

Wrong again.

That lasted a few weeks. Then we were right back to eating out almost every meal with me paying EVERY time. I mean I can afford it as I make a little more than she did working full time, but it does cut down my savings/retirement money (I already have a good bit as she knows). I always get everything paid with a little to spare, but not really enough to grow my money as I did before we met.

I want us to get further ahead in life but it seems she’s just fine where we are financially....with her working part time and me paying for about everything.

So now I’ve pretty much been paying the mortgage, ALL FOOD EATING OUT, property tax, home insurance, maintenance, etc. She only pays the power bill which totals about $200/month — everything was already in her name so we just kept it and started service at the new home.

It’s frustrating. If she would work full time as she did before and contribute just 50% of her prior living expenses to bettering our lot in life — we could make sure everything like healthcare, retirement, credit card debt, etc is easily taken care of. I mean should an able bodied 28 year old not be expected to work full time?

Anyways....do you guys think I’m being used?

Sometimes I feel like she just wants to work as little as possible and being with me allows her to do that.

Could this all be a red flag when it comes to having a child?

I sorta wish I didn’t even feel this way, but I just don’t see why it’s so difficult to find a middle ground where we are BOTH in a better financial position than before we met.

Any advice?

Have you spoken to her about your finances/ eating out all the time/why she is only working part time and that your not happy with this arrangement? And what does she do on the days she isn't in work?

I basically told her that if we want to improve our lives we need more money.

I’m a little angry that I even have to say anything about eating out every meal and not paying any bills. Can a person really be that oblivious to money not growing on trees?

The days she doesn’t work are kinda like any other day off. Aside from occasionally cleaning a little or cooking once per month...mostly doing nothing aside from anything I’m willing to pay to do.

You are being used.
Get out now before she gets pregnant.
I assume you weren't daft enough to put her name on the house?

But why are you eating out every night? Can you not cook a meal?

You said you brought the house so is it in your name only or both of you?

Is there a reason she’s only working part time (I.e is she giving caring support to her mum).

I think you need to sit her down and have a conversation about finances and make it clear your expectations.

For example, Personally when I moved in with BF (now ex) I paid half of everything for about the first 3 years my name was not on his mortgage/flat however by that point I had saved enough for a deposit so I sat him down and told him my expectations as follows

1. We could get his flat valued and I could buy half.
2. We could by another property together 50/50
3. I buy my own flat but would then move out into said flat as I couldn’t pay a mortgage and “rent”.

He went with option 2. I had this conversation as I wasn’t happy to continue paying off someone else’s mortgage when I could afford my own.

Would suggest working out what you want and possibly options as I did with a view to what you want in the long term (I.e. is this really someone you’re going to stay with long term)

I wouldn't even bother talking to her. Even if she changed it would only be until she was pregnant or married then do it again.

She clearly doesn't want to work or give a shit that she lives for free. You want an equal. Why bother with dead weight?

Wow you were super fair. And you brought it up yourself which is awesome.

I’ve told her that I have no problem paying the mortgage but how about giving me money to help pay the other stuff. $150 per month vs say $2,500 per month just doesn’t seem fair on any level regardless of who owns what. I mean she would pay the full $2500 if she was still living on her own. How can a person not get a feeling of being used a little when helping someone to that degree? How could the person paying so little not see something so obvious?

Sorry missed your follow up post.

Looking at your additional post, first boyfriend I lived with did something similar however we were in a rented accommodation after giving him time limit to sort himself out, I informed him as I was still paying all the bills and that I couldn’t really financially afford to that I was giving notice on the flat and suggest he move back in with his mum and I’d find a flat share. This was in theory meant to be til he sorted himself out but in reality I knew it wasn’t working we split up within 6 months.

So again decide what you want to happen and then have the conversation my only regret with this boyfriend was not doing it earlier as he did financially drain me.

The frustrating thing is that she will never ask me for money so she has this attitude that she helps pay the bills because she pays the power bill and once in while buys something decorative for the house. It’s like I was expected to pay half of everything when I moved in and now there’s like a silent understanding that I will pay everything.

**I will now pay everything while she works half as much as before.

If I were super wealthy I might be ok with this situation, but I set out looking for a partner to grow with financially among other ways. I don’t even care about a 50/50 split — I’d be ok with 70/30. It’s sort of the principle of the matter. I feel like the longer it goes on the more she will get upset with me attempting to reverse course.

It’s strange how people can love with no regard for pesky bills. It’s like saying here ya go...you handle the uncomfortable stuff that we don’t talk about.

Ffs tell her you are done and she needs to move out.
Stop being such a bloody mug.
She now thinks she has her feet firmly under the table and you won't say a word.

Guarantee if you tell her to leave she will make up some bullshit excuse or tell you she is pregnant. If you are having unprotected sex you are an even bigger fool.

SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU OR RESPECT YOU

IF SHE DID SHE WOULDN'T BE TAKING THE PISS.

I hear ya. Typing it out and explaining things to a neutral unbiased party helps.

Is she still looking after her mum? Any reason she can't work full time?

I'd tell her she needs to work full time and bills should be paid proportionate to income so you're both left with equal spending money after. Otherwise she needs to move out as you never agreed to financially support her.

But in reality I don't think I could accept the relationship going forward anymore after seeing that she's capable of treating me like that. She obviously feels entitled to your money.

Is there a reason you haven't felt able to be firm about finances and ask her for her share? She is aware, she's just seeing if you'll bring it up. She must be saving a fair bit.

Don't let this ruin future relationships for you op. Ie don't become jaded. Not everyone would do this.

First question do you really want to stay with this person long term? (Personally from what you’ve posted are you really sure).

As she’s not on the mortgage and you’ve highlighted you’re happy to paid more overall I would work out the monthly out goings excluding the mortgage and ask her to pay half that amount as I think that’s more than fair. If she reacts badly or says ok but then doesn’t do it then at least you know she it knowingly taking the piss.

If she's caring for her mom she may be eligible to claim carers allowance.
I was in a similar situation and trust me if u don't talk things will only get get worse, best thing is just to talk. U can just casually bring it up that u would like to save for ur retirement etc once you've spoke about it you'll feel much better.
As a person that works in finance I would advise make sure u have a trail for EVERYTHING. Electronic payments u can show evidence for how much u contributed etc

If you're going to get married, you need to be able to have open, honest, mature conversations, like talking about finances. If you're not grown up enough to do this, you're not grown up enough to get married.

The current situation is untenable, obviously. It either needs to end or she needs to start pulling her financial weight. Either way, you need to talk with her openly.

Calling yourself a "little bitch" is weird and gross.

(You really can't have "uncomfortable stuff that we don’t talk about" if you want to be married successfully.)

No her mother got pretty well about 4 months ago.

I started staying with her for 3-4 months paying NOTHING as it was a relatively new relationship and I still had my own home. Then after her making several comments about me paying half the rent I did as I saw the relationship was serious.

No her mom was just in the hospital for surgery. She wasn’t actively taking care of her other than visiting frequently. She really didn’t HAVE to quit her job.

But the way things are going with her starting at full time paying everything for herself...then full time paying half...then part time paying 1/20th...heck, even her part time has gotten even more part time. It’s almost like she wants to be her mom with a husband paying everything because marriage means “no mine and yours”

Well I let things blow up today.

And the house needs a few repairs...I’ll be on the hook for all that of course because 99% of her part time money is spent by the next pay day.

A few times we’ve bought furniture or went on a trip she agreed to pay half of...after it’s paid it’s like she totally forgets about the paying part. It may be mentioned in passing once — something like “I still need to get your half of the money” then nothing. Perhaps she believes not saying anything means I’m cool with paying everything....but then we have big fights about us not having enough money. Can someone really not get the hint?

If she isn't caring for anyone else and doesn't have anything else keeping her from working, does sound like she's taking the piss

So you eat out (and pay for it) because you'll feel like a 'little bitch' if you cook on top of everything else you do and she doesn't bother?

You do realise that she's clocked that if she doesn't bother cooking you'll take her out for a nice free meal? That's still treating you like her 'little bitch' sorry but no one looks in the fridge and says yay I'll cook, because if I don't I'll get a free meal out, no we can't have that, better start slaving over a hot stove instead!'