Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

Not living together and zero support

38 replies

babyonway2020 · 07/12/2019 07:40

Hi team of mums

I'm due next year and haven't been with my partner long enough to want to change everything so I have decided it's best we don't live together until after baby comes. Too many changes and he has his DD 50% of the week and I just don't have enough room at my house. For another three people effectively incl baby.

We do argue frequently since being pregnant as can't agree on anything. Latest topic is that he says he isn't going to contribute or support me financially when the baby is here as we don't live together and he has his own bills and already pays £300 a month for his DD.

He said he will buy nappies and anything the baby needs once it's here. As the baby will be living with me it's down to me to purchase anything I need like a car seat etc pram, express machine etc as he wont be using it predominately.

I'm shocked! As if we weren't together he would have to pay maintenance every month. I'm super emotional today and now worried about the future, what you would do or say if in my position?

Just to clarify I will only get SMP and no other UC or benefits and I do own my house but my outgoings are £1300 per month for everything other than food. I've saved £15k before I fell pregnant and during the last 7 months but just feel as though I'm doing this solo. Am I being unreasonable?

He hasn't bought a single item yet or saved a single penny either.

Thanks in advance, really feel down today and need some advice as my first baby and not sure what's right or wrong.

OP posts:
ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 07/12/2019 07:44

How much child maintenance will he give you as you don't live together?? Apply properly through CMS when baby is born.
If he pays £300 for daughter that he has 50/50 with mum, I imagine he has a decent enough wage. X

ivykaty44 · 07/12/2019 07:44

Kick him into touch - this isn’t a free ride. Get in touch with CMS

ballstoit · 07/12/2019 07:47

He's showing you his true colours I'm afraid. You are going to be doing this alone.

Even if you are in a relationship, you can claim child maintenance from him. Ideally, he would be helping financially without being forced to but, if not, claim what you're entitled do. You need to prioritise your child from now on. He can either choose to do the same himself, or you'll have to force him to.

You can do it alone. Look after yourself and get as much support as you can from friends and family. Contact Turn 2 us for advice on financial support available - you'll definitely get Child Benefit but may also be entitled to Universal Credit when baby arrives.

RedHelenB · 07/12/2019 07:47

If you're not together he doesn't have to start payments until vant arrives but if he's thinking like this I would suggest you're not really a couple.

BuckingFrolics · 07/12/2019 08:00

He's an arse and you know it, you just don't want to believe it yet. Sorry.

madcatladyforever · 07/12/2019 08:09

You're not a couple and I'd put a claim in with CMS. Did he want this baby?

Original poster
babyonway2020 · 07/12/2019 08:23

I know I've probably maybe been selfish by wanting this baby so much but I'm nearly 39 and it was spoken about but happened a lot sooner than we expected. I just feel like my world is crumbling when this should be a happy time and celebrating a new life. If it's not financial worries, it's about the baby surname (I don't want to call it his solely and suggested double barrel) it's just non stop biting my tongue or full blown arguments. I guess we should have had a conversation prior to falling pregnant.

His justification is he isn't going to pay my mortgage as he has his own house and bills etc. But even if he did move in he can only afford 50% of the household share and that would still mean no extra for baby. So effectively I would be spending the money I save on him moving in to support the baby, so yes an extra £600 a month to play with but it's my money not our contribution. I honestly don't mind getting whatever the baby needs and secretly have been buying things for the last 7 months. But darent tell him as it will be another thing he doesn't contribute towards.

I just can't get my point across without crying or getting shut down. I have asked for £50 a week but he said that he will only support the baby needs and not me.

I genuinely know I can do it on my own but keep clinging onto the hope that it will change but I think the advice on here makes it ring clearer in my mind. I need to move on.

I can afford to take 6 months off but life will be tight and £200 isn't going to cover anything but food and nappy bills I'm guessing. So it's not a huge amount in terms of cost of living. Or is it? Do new babies cost a lot?

I just never thought he would be like this. I don't know why he wants to live here so badly and constantly tells me that everyone (his mum and friends) thinks I'm crazy because I don't want to live together. So I really feel that everyone is against me.

I will contact the benefits line and see what I'm entitled too and I'll have to build the courage to have a sensible conversation without him shouting at me that it's my fault.

Is £200 reasonable? I guess it's based on his salary which is £36k per year.

Sometimes I think is it me, am I expecting too much? I've been really depressed since falling pregnant as this isn't the happy time I had expected, I thought because he wanted a baby so much that it would all fall into place. I just feel like I've lost myself and struggling to see the happiness when I literally worry so much. I wake up with that feeling of pure fear.

Thanks ladies for taking the time out for me, it makes a world of difference when I feel so lonely. X

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 07/12/2019 08:29

You're going to be a brilliant mum and you can do this on your own

It won't be as stressful as constant arguments.

Don't give your baby his last name if he is proposing not to even pay towards nappies

New babies don't have to cost a lot.
Ask on here whether things are necessary and see what folk say

Definitely break up and go through child maintenance - he isn't being a partner to you.

Are you planning to breastfeed? That can save a bit of cash. I think I bought a tube of kamillosan cream and some washable breastpads.
If it isn't working out, be a good advocate for yourself and get help eg a peer supporter or a breastfeeding helpline.

You can buy lots of things second hand in jack and Jill sales, nct sales, car boot sales, second hand shops.

Join freecycle or fb free sites for bundles of baby clothes.

Go on moneysavingexpert and work out how to reduce your existing bills.

You'll be awesome.

Parker231 · 07/12/2019 08:32

Unfortunately he doesn’t sound very promising. Apply for maintenance payments and as it’s your baby give it your surname.

Original poster
babyonway2020 · 07/12/2019 08:34

Thank you! Gosh I don't know why I just needed this conversation today. Got myself in an emotional mess and just realised I posted about this a few months ago too - but it's always good to get a reminder and fresh ideas. Shame it's the same issue and o have just met time slip by and not dealt with it.

I'm going to find the strength to finish it and stop teetering on the edge of hope/wishful thinking. I need to Mum up and start controlling the situation.

Thanks for the positive messages and support.

OP posts:
Stockingfiller1 · 07/12/2019 10:59

OP see if there is a baby bank near you that can help. Ask your midwife they will know.

DesMartinsPetCat · 07/12/2019 11:03

Do not give the baby his surname. Don’t double-barrel either. Baby should have your name only.

itcoldoutside · 07/12/2019 11:03

Not sure with £15,000 in savings u can apply for benefits?

itcoldoutside · 07/12/2019 11:04

Surely baby banks are for the needy not someone with £15,000 saved ?

RandomMess · 07/12/2019 11:27

I really hope you are able to emotionally detach from him and go via CMS to get maintenance. He will have two children to financially support whether he likes it or not!

You will manage on your own Thanks

RandomMess · 07/12/2019 11:29

Yes give the baby your surname, if you are feeling generous put his surname as an additional middle name but you do not want the hassle of having a different surname to your baby as a single parent.

Winterdaysarehere · 07/12/2019 11:34

Effectively you are a single parent. Cms.
Ime your relationship is doomed.
I didn't live with exh until ds was 15 months. Never had a penny off him. Nothing towards ds at all.
His own df slipped me a fiver now an again and acted like a bloody hero!
Your name.
End your relationship as he clearly isn't committed to either of you.
Cms.
Did I say Cms?
Your baby is entitled to be supported by him. Ring them on the day you give birth. He doesn't have to be on the birth certificate for you to make a claim.

.

Gwenhwyfar · 07/12/2019 11:45

"Not sure with £15,000 in savings u can apply for benefits?"

Some benefits are not income based.
The limit for some benefits is 16,000, but for anything over 6k you get less money.

DangerMouse17 · 07/12/2019 11:48

Most important- give the baby YOUR surname. I made the mistake of being bullied into not doing so and it's a nightmare. I have to ask permission to take my child on holiday...from someone who hasn't even seen their child for 8yrs or sent them a bday card.

You will be a great mum to this baby and if he doesnt want to help, well it's his loss. Get yourself organised and remember that this is a happy time! Congratulations Flowers

wasthatamistake · 07/12/2019 12:00

He wants to live with you because it will save him money, and likely lower his cms to his other child. Saying he won't support you makes no sense - you are supporting the baby. He just wants to pick and choose when he feels like it. I bet he resents paying cms to his other child.

I'd end it with him pronto. Claim cms. Give the baby your name.

Usernothere · 07/12/2019 12:19

NC for this.
I tell you from my own experience, leave.
I was with my partner for 8 years. Everything was always 50/50 we live together.
I literally paid for everything for my DC. He always made the excuse he can't afford it' should have been the red flag for me in my pregnancy.
DC is FF. he had the cheek to say to me I should be paying for milk, nappies, cream, clothes etc because I get the child benefit (£80 a month) sick of it so I have ended it with him. Sad to end it but I am sick of finically doing everything by myself and he does fuck all.
Funnily enough now he's started to buy things but a bit little too late.

ivykaty44 · 07/12/2019 12:33

Your going to have to harden up

Please detach and stand back a big step

Start by being cold and calculating as it’s you Nd the baby your thinking of

He earns £36k so work out what 12% of his net pay equates to which is £280 a month and advice him that is what he needs to start contributing as soon as baby is born. If he doesn’t set up a standing order willingly then you’ll be left no alternative but to take the matter up with CMS and your willing to pay the one of fee to have the money from his wages directly, this though will cost him monthly

He probably will voice his objections - tough

Just repeat your stance on the matter and don’t deviate, it’s simple

He needs to provide for his child

Don’t get emotional and don’t be fooled by him wanting to move in - you can afford a cuckoo in the nest

Babyroobs · 07/12/2019 12:35

You can claim UC if you have savings under 16k. There will be some deduction of your UC for savings over 6k.

ivykaty44 · 07/12/2019 12:38

Just to add

If you want to stay in a relationship of some kind then do so, but make sure he pays up and don’t let him move in

Nothing to stop you parenting from two separate households, running to households pause by side and being mum and dad together - but he’s got to cough up & it needs to be very clearly spelt out to him

If it was the other way round he wouldn’t put up with his shit 🤣

RandomMess · 07/12/2019 12:56

As he has another child The CMS will be adjusted accordingly!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread