Not living together and zero support

[babyonway2020]

Hi team of mums

I'm due next year and haven't been with my partner long enough to want to change everything so I have decided it's best we don't live together until after baby comes. Too many changes and he has his DD 50% of the week and I just don't have enough room at my house. For another three people effectively incl baby.

We do argue frequently since being pregnant as can't agree on anything. Latest topic is that he says he isn't going to contribute or support me financially when the baby is here as we don't live together and he has his own bills and already pays £300 a month for his DD.

He said he will buy nappies and anything the baby needs once it's here. As the baby will be living with me it's down to me to purchase anything I need like a car seat etc pram, express machine etc as he wont be using it predominately.

I'm shocked! As if we weren't together he would have to pay maintenance every month. I'm super emotional today and now worried about the future, what you would do or say if in my position?

Just to clarify I will only get SMP and no other UC or benefits and I do own my house but my outgoings are £1300 per month for everything other than food. I've saved £15k before I fell pregnant and during the last 7 months but just feel as though I'm doing this solo. Am I being unreasonable?

He hasn't bought a single item yet or saved a single penny either.

Thanks in advance, really feel down today and need some advice as my first baby and not sure what's right or wrong.

Randommess
Is it 15% for the one child and then 25%for two children split equally between the Resident parents? Which would equate to 12% ish

I'm not sure at the moment, also not sure if he has a private arrangement etc. Still anything is better than a big fat £0 although who knows if he has another child elsewhere that he isn't involved with, he sounds horrible

I'm sorry you are going through this.

He sounds like an arse. Please leave him for yours and your baby's sake.

Newborn babies don't cost a lot. Breastfeeding saves a fortune 👌as do cloth nappies. I did both.

Also put a claim through CMS. And DON'T give the baby his surname!

It sounds as though he is not very committed to you or your baby. You should think very seriously before he and his child move into your house, as it will be a complex situation.

He is living in a dream world if he thinks he won't be expected to contribute financially towards the baby. As soon as the baby arrives make a CMS.

Give the baby your own surname, and think carefully before you put the father on the birth certificate, as this will automatically give him parental rights. You might see him in a different light over the next few months, which will help you to decide about naming him on the BC.

Agree strongly with others re your surname, I really wish I'd done that.

Also I know it's not what your thread is about, but anyone telling you how many people are 'always' saying you're crazy for something is probably just lying to manipulate you into doing what you must be 'crazy' for not doing. He doesn't sound like a keeper, what's his relationship like with his ex?

I've broken up with him. Feel like crap today but I think it's just the not knowing what he is upto etc. He confirmed that because I won't call it solely his surname that he wants nothing to do with either the baby or me. It was a horrible break up and he threw some nasty stuff/words at me in the heat of the moment which I can't help but take on board. Just feel very much in my own but it's better than being with someone who won't respect me.

I need to harden up and my midwife agreed it's the best decision. Just sat here today feeling pretty low.
There isn't anything I can do now other than not go back or contact him. Which will be easy as I've deleted all social and numbers from my phone and haven't heard anything since Saturday.

I'll wait until baby comes along and apply for CMS I guess I can't start this process beforehand?

It's sucks that because I've been independent and sold my car and any valuable jewellery that I'm seen as someone who shouldnt have benefits in the government eyes. I bought my own house and it's tiny but it's mine and Im lucky enough to have saved and sold everything I can, that will help me before I return back to work.

Just feels like an uphill battle but ALL OF YOU have helped me grow stronger and realise I wasn't happy and this is the right decision.

Thank you. Thank you for your time, advice, support and virtual friendship. I'm welling up writing this because I really have felt so helpless. Thank you xx

He confirmed that because I won't call it solely his surname, he wants nothing to do with either the baby or me.

This "reason" he has given you for his reluctance to be involved, is an excellent example of just what a manipulative arse this man is.

He is merely using the name disagreement as an excuse to distance himself from any responsibility to you and your baby. And he has been able to twist things so that he can blame you for his own weakness.

It's win win for him, he gets rid of the inconvenience of a pregnant woman, and by blaming you, makes sure you feel awful thus boosting his own ego by showing him that he's still in control of you.

You will soon be glad that you have escaped from a life with this obnoxious controlling man.

Live well!

Hi OP, just want to send you a virtual hug. You can do this alone. Look at what you have achieved so far- your own home to bring your baby home to.
Do you have family or friends who can support you? You could try to meet up with some other single mums to be in your area? My friends who I met through a breastfeeding group have been my greatest support through the ups and downs of life since the birth of my youngest - I didn’t have that network on my older DC as I was new to the area and so now I advise everyone to try to find a local group - go to a few until you meet “your” people.

He has therefore confirmed he does not have the baby's best interest at heart.
Every time you think maybe you were hasty remember you would never threaten to or walk away from your baby. He is already using it to try and abuse you. Not a good df in the making. Keep a diary and a timeline incase you need to seek legal help to keep him from further abuse.

❤️❤️❤️ xx

I think you can apply for child maintenance as soon as your baby is born.

You will absolutely be better off without this stress in your life. You don't deserve it.

I'm pretty sure you need the child benefit before applying to CMS so priority is registering the birth, apply for CB, ring up CMS.

Sending you a big hug yanbu to expect him.to contribute, if he's paying £300 a month for his first dc he should be paying the same towards new baby. Yes he'll have his own bills but so will you and your income will take a hit while caring for the baby while his will be unaffected.He should be helping with big purchases like a pram and contributing to keep his baby housed, warm and dry not just buying nappies . I'm sorry op but it sounds like you'd be better off without him, he doesn't sound like someone you'd want to spend the rest of your life with . I'd try and get advice about CMS and benefits you could be entitled to when baby is here. You will get through this but I don't think you can count on him . Do you have family who could help you , friends to support you? Good luck, your baby will be worth it but caring for a newborn is exhausting so try and get some other support and plan a life without him.