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Original poster

Debt & relationship

31 replies

loopylol1990 · 07/11/2019 18:05

Sorry for long post. Basically me and my partner have been together 4.5 years and have a 3yo child. Hes on a very good wage pays Bill's in house and I buy food shopping and pay for childcare. I only work part time due to childcare. My partner can be quite selfish with money and if I ever needed money for milk etc he will point blank refuse to give me it. Anyways I have quite a bit of debt ( my own stupid fault I know) so basically what's left of my wage is paying my debts. My partner also expects half of my wage off me each month for his spending money to go to pub or whatever which leaves me with nxt to nothing yo live on each month. Due to all of this I have fallen into depression . I also have morses club loans (door to door) which are costing me 140 a month. My partner doesnt know about these debts and will go absolutely mental if I told him. I just feel like everything is fallen apart for me and I have nobody to talk to. I'm ashamed that iv let myself get into this state. I have 4 family birthdays plus my partner nxt week and dont have a penny to buy anything (only got paid yesterday). I'm just sick of my life and cant see any way out. I cant get a debt relief order or anything either as he is on too big of a wage. Anyways I dnt really know why I'm writing this post just feeling so helpless. And thankyou to whoever has read this x

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 07/11/2019 18:44

Can I just make sure I understand what you're saying here.

You ran out of food money, needed milk for yourself and your 3 year old and your partner wouldn't buy any? Is that what you're saying?

squiglet111 · 07/11/2019 18:49

So you pay for all childcare, food and give half your wage to your partner every month?

You would be better off single as most of your childcare would be paid for by benefits... So ltb!

45andfine · 07/11/2019 18:52

I think you deserve better. This isn't a relationship.

YorkshirePud1 · 07/11/2019 19:00

I don't understand why he's expecting you to give him money? There's a huge imbalance there and he's treating you very badly.

Please know there's always a solution when it comes to debt. I'm a DRO intermediary for a charity and actually, they don't take your partner's income into consideration - only your income and your contribution to bills, food etc. It's an individual debt remedy and so his income wouldn't get listed. Have you actually had debt advice because if not I'd recommend making an appointment at your local CAB. Even if it turns out you're not eligible for a DRO there are many other things you can do. There's always a way out no matter how desperate it feels now. They could also arrange a benefit check for you so you can see what life would be like on your own, you know, if you do want to LTB.

Original poster

loopylol1990 · 07/11/2019 19:01

Yes theres been a couple of times when this has happened. He argues that it's my responsibility to buy the shopping as he pays the rest of the Bill's. But he dint know about all the debts I pay out as dont feel I can talk to him about it

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Original poster

loopylol1990 · 07/11/2019 19:03

Hi yeah iv been to CAB already pay what I could afford back to most of them but iv gor myself into more debt since then :( and now got door step loans. CAB told me they would look into his income if I tried a DRO so iv had it basically. Hes on 38,500 a year

OP posts:

unicornsarereal72 · 07/11/2019 19:03

He isn't paying all the bills if you are giving him half your wages.

This is not ok. But you know that. Just know that you do have options.

Original poster

loopylol1990 · 07/11/2019 19:07

The deal was when we moved in together he paid all the Bill's and we lived off my wage. So he says half of my wage is his for nights out etc

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LIZS · 07/11/2019 19:07

So you have not told him about debts (are you afraid of his reaction?) and he is not willing to pay half of child costs but will happily piss away half your earnings. Does not sound much like a partnership.

Original poster

loopylol1990 · 07/11/2019 19:11

I'm scared he will kick off with me for getting myself in to more debt. I dnt pay loads for childcare just few breakfast club/school dinners. No he wont pay as that's why I get the child benefit money

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LIZS · 07/11/2019 19:16

But it is nonsensical that you get into worse debt while he enjoys your wages. That could be reducing the problem instead. Can you demonstrate on paper to him how much you spend on dc and other costs, that you cannot give him half your earnings.

Original poster

loopylol1990 · 07/11/2019 19:19

No theres no talking to him about anything honestly. It's his way or no way. If I dnt he wants half the money towards house Bill's which I couldn't afford on my wage

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LIZS · 07/11/2019 19:22

Tbh he sounds abusive, at least financially.

TheresWaldo · 07/11/2019 19:22

Looking at your previous posts, this is NOT a relationship and I would leave. As soon as possible.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 07/11/2019 19:28

Did you have the debt before you met him or has it built up since?

What's your housing situation?). I can guess ☹️)

Original poster

loopylol1990 · 07/11/2019 19:31

I had a little bit of debt but not as much as iv got now I also worked fill time when we met so had extra money myself wheres only part time now. And what do u mean my housing situation?

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 07/11/2019 19:42

Do you own or rent? In whose name?

Original poster

loopylol1990 · 07/11/2019 19:44

We private rent. Tenancy is in both of our names

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 07/11/2019 19:54

If he's on £38k a year I find it very hard to believe that all his money goes on bills and rent and that he needs half of your money as well. No wonder you're in debt.

Have you ever actually sat down and worked out where his money goes?

Original poster

loopylol1990 · 07/11/2019 20:06

We sat down a couple of years back and all house Bill's including debts such as catalogues , credit cards etc plus child maintenance he pays,car finance etc came fo 2000 a month. But he didnt pay my debts as I was paying them. So even if he is paying out 2000 hes still pocketing about 500 a month. Iv overgearx him talking to friends and that tho and saying because he pays Bill's that's his money

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flirtygirl · 07/11/2019 20:18

You should have stopped giving him money to go pub and used that money to pay off your debt. You could have sorted quite a lot of it by now.

Nothing will change unless at the very minimum you stop giving him this money.
Let him kick off, just say you have not got the money to give him.

Pay your debts and improve your credit rating.

Then when you are financially in a better off position and no debt, look into moving out. He treats you like this because in part you allow out. I know as I've been there. Nothing will change until you change.

You can't change him, he has chosen to be this with you. He doesn't care if you have no money for milk. He is also depriving his own child, what a crap partner and father.

So let him pay the house bills and use this time to pay off the debts and get yourself sorted. Let him kick off. But keep that money for your debts.

Then look at your relationship.
Don't do what some others have said and leave as UC is a shit storm, at least pay down debt first and maybe even get some savings behind you first.

Long term your relationship is not working so you will need to leave.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 07/11/2019 20:26

Child maintenance?

Original poster

loopylol1990 · 07/11/2019 20:29

Yeah he has 2 older children from previous relationship

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 07/11/2019 20:33

So who pays for their food when they visit?

Original poster

loopylol1990 · 07/11/2019 20:35

Tbh his son is 19 so has his own job and place. His daughter is 16 and just does her own thing hardly ever see her. But she just has whatever we have when she comes over

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