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Original poster

Partner cagey about Child Maintenance

44 replies

Moomin8 · 22/07/2019 10:27

My situation is a bit complicated. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and the father and I have had a rocky relationship due to him and his 'all over the place' emotions . We don't live together. He says he loves me but after all the messing around I'm weary of the situation. It was my birthday recently and he wanted us to go away together for the weekend but I said no because there is a pattern of us having a really nice few days together then the next week he'll say he doesn't see any future with me.

He's very supportive about the baby and comes to all appointments and seems to be looking forward to / excited about being a father again.

However, he keeps bringing up his worries about child maintenance as we are not a cohabiting couple.

He has a good job and has just been able to buy a house but he keeps going on about how his standard of living is going to drop. He's 50 and worried that he won't be able to retire at 65. Which I can understand.

He keeps asking me 'what I expect him to pay' which I can't possibly know because I don't know what he earns. He is very against the CMS working it out and seems to take the idea of their involvement as some kind of personal insult. But surely that's the fairest thing to do because they take all circumstances into account?

He keeps bringing it up and I don't know what he wants me to say?

OP posts:
Happyspud · 22/07/2019 11:14

CMS will give you the absolute minimum he should pay. He really should be paying what the child NEEDs including full time childcare so you can work full time (believe me you will need to do this). He should pay you half the cost of full time childcare (about £800 probably) plus half the costs for child’s portion of all your living costs. Only you can work that out and it would be cheaper if you lived together with this father.

picklemepopcorn · 22/07/2019 13:42

Say that now he has shared financial responsibility for a child, then he may well need to lower his standard of living, and possibly work longer. That is the norm and the reality.

Do not cohabit with this man- he will take advantage of you.

Cyclemad222 · 22/07/2019 14:12

I think you need to ask him to make his mind up, does he want to form a household with you and the baby or not. You need to know if he'll be there when you're up all night/struggling to cook etc.

Sounds like he thinks he can have a sweet deal where he gets a sexual partner and a cute baby without the drudgery part, and he's just worried about how much it'll cost him.

If he's not going to be committed to the relationship it's better to know from the outset so you can find other sources of support and have clarity in your financial position so you can budget. Sounds like he's seeing it all as your thing and optional whether he contributes - basically he wants to have his cake and eat it.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 22/07/2019 15:20

Next time he asks you what you expect him to pay say 15% of your salary is what CMS would expect as a bare minimum so you could pay that.

bobsyourauntie · 22/07/2019 15:41

Per CMS guidelines he needs to pay 12% of his gross weekly income. The calculator on here will work it out for him.

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

If you went to the CMS it would be based on last years taxable income, so if he shows you his P60, then you can work it out together.

He created this child, so he needs to take his part in it. Yes his standard of living might drop, that is what often happens when you have a child.

If he won't give you the information, then just go through the CMS once the child is born. He can still pay you directly if he wants to.

The CMS is an absolute minimum though, it is not a target to aim for, so if he can afford more, he should pay more, or pay the CM weekly and then pay half for extras such as clubs, uniform, school trips etc.

Original poster
Moomin8 · 22/07/2019 20:56

Apparently he feels he is 'entitled' to retire at 60 having worked hard since he was 17. If he wasn't having this baby then he would be able to pay his mortgage off by 60. So there's the answer..

OP posts:
DustyDoorframes · 22/07/2019 21:25

Well how's this baby affecting YOUR finances? Half of that!

picklemepopcorn · 22/07/2019 21:34

This is like any other life event- it impacts your plans for the future. If he had an accident, was made redundant, became ill, bought a car... all these things impact your finances. What an idiot he is.

whiteroseredrose · 22/07/2019 22:25

I think cyclemad is right. You need to be clear about whether he is committed to this baby or not then you can decide what you want to do.

You can't make him continue working. MN has dozens of threads with frustrated mums whose exHs have stopped work / been demoted to avoid paying child maintenance. If he retires your money will go down. Could you manage like that? Think about it.

Original poster
Moomin8 · 22/07/2019 22:51

I can't be clear about anything @whiteroseredrose because he changes his mind from week to week and yes he can stop working if he wants that's his choice isn't it? But he seemed to think he would get a state pension at 65 and the age has gone up.

I think if he's earning a good salary he should pay a contribution. I feel as though he's hoping for me to say don't worry he doesn't have to pay anything.

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 22/07/2019 22:59

Would this be his first child? It's a huge life change at 50 if it is. I'm not sure if I'd be able to deal with a new baby now that I'm in my early 50s. My Dsis has a one year old who is just walking and I'd forgotten how exhausting it is to look after them. You can't rest for a minute.

The reason that I said to try and work out his plans is that the signs are there that you'll be doing a lot of this alone. Lots of red flags.

Do you want to have a baby with this man?

Original poster
Moomin8 · 22/07/2019 23:06

Oh yes I know I'll be doing a lot of it alone, don't worry about that. I don't want to move in with him - he's all over the place. Even if we lived together I very much doubt he would enable a nice calm environment for my children (which is what they currently have)

He's already got 2 children who are young adults.

One minute re: this baby he wants to be the doting father and the next, he's pissed off because he thinks he's entitled to be living a charmed life, financially.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 23/07/2019 09:33

Did you ask him for 15% of his salary? what was his response to that?

Original poster
Moomin8 · 23/07/2019 11:08

No, he's just being really nasty & whining about how because of me he's been robbed of his chances of a nice retirement.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 23/07/2019 12:04

Be nasty and whining back to him because you've been robbed of your chances of a nice single life!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 23/07/2019 12:08

Actually, just go through the CMS. You don't actually have to talk to him at all.

NoSquirrels · 23/07/2019 12:12

He’s raised 2 DC already? So he knows how much it will cost.

Ask him for an outrageous amount. At least then he’ll have something concrete to moan about!

Presume you’ll go back to work if you’re planning to raise the baby alone, effectively? You’ll need childcare if so - what will that cost? Figure out costs and present him with them. If he won’t give you his salary then the only way to answer the question is to work out a figure.

DustyDoorframes · 23/07/2019 12:46

What, so he wasn't involved in conception then?? You must be a medical miracle!

notapizzaeater · 23/07/2019 12:53

Just spout the percentage agin and again - he probably doesn't want to go through CMS as he's hoping you want a lesser amount

Mandatorymongoose · 23/07/2019 13:11

Ask him how much he expects you to pay to feed, clothe, house and care for his child and tell him you expect the same amount from him.

Original poster
Moomin8 · 23/07/2019 13:20

Ask him how much he expects you to pay to feed, clothe, house and care for his child and tell him you expect the same amount from him.

He doesn't care about me or the baby and how we're going to manage. If I say anything along those lines he just keeps on with his poor me rhetoric.

I've just received a long message from him about how sorry he is, well he can f* off.

OP posts:
MissSmiley · 23/07/2019 13:23

Was the baby planned? How old are you out of interest?

NoSquirrels · 23/07/2019 13:49

He doesn't care about me or the baby and how we're going to manage.

CMS, then.

SlightlyPsychotic · 23/07/2019 14:18

If you go through the CMS and tell them you're still together they won't enforce anything as you're still a couple. Whether you're living together or not if you tell them you're still a couple they won't get involved.

HollowTalk · 23/07/2019 14:22

Was the baby planned, OP?

If I were a 50 year old man who wanted to protect myself from unwanted babies, I would have a vasectomy.

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