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Original poster

Partner cagey about Child Maintenance

44 replies

Moomin8 · 22/07/2019 10:27

My situation is a bit complicated. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and the father and I have had a rocky relationship due to him and his 'all over the place' emotions . We don't live together. He says he loves me but after all the messing around I'm weary of the situation. It was my birthday recently and he wanted us to go away together for the weekend but I said no because there is a pattern of us having a really nice few days together then the next week he'll say he doesn't see any future with me.

He's very supportive about the baby and comes to all appointments and seems to be looking forward to / excited about being a father again.

However, he keeps bringing up his worries about child maintenance as we are not a cohabiting couple.

He has a good job and has just been able to buy a house but he keeps going on about how his standard of living is going to drop. He's 50 and worried that he won't be able to retire at 65. Which I can understand.

He keeps asking me 'what I expect him to pay' which I can't possibly know because I don't know what he earns. He is very against the CMS working it out and seems to take the idea of their involvement as some kind of personal insult. But surely that's the fairest thing to do because they take all circumstances into account?

He keeps bringing it up and I don't know what he wants me to say?

OP posts:

Mintjulia · 23/07/2019 14:40

If he’s 50 now, he won’t get a UK state pension until 67. So his child will be nearly grown up by the time he retires - unless he has a large private pension fund.

Happyspud · 23/07/2019 15:15

If he’s holding out for the state pension then he’s got bigger issues than the cost of this child.

Graphista · 23/07/2019 16:48

"When someone tells you who they are believe them the first time"

He is being very clear that he won't be paying any more than he absolutely has to!

Which is a really shitty attitude to have.

Don't even enter discussion about it, but as soon as baby born/registered claim through cms DON'T let him fob you off which is exactly what he's trying to do.

I'd go as far as being suspicious that his "good dad" act is designed to make you reluctant to do this.

He SHOULD be paying half the child's costs including a proportion of household bills, clothes, equipment, childcare fees etc

"He's already got 2 children who are young adults." Then he's taking the piss making out he doesn't know what kids cost!

"he's just being really nasty & whining about how because of me he's been robbed of his chances of a nice retirement." Wtf! No! At 50 he bloody knows sex can = baby! He is half responsible.

bbcessex · 23/07/2019 18:26

What's your own situation, OP - are you working?

Original poster

Moomin8 · 23/07/2019 19:05

The baby was not planned. I was on the pill. He had booked a vasectomy years ago then cancelled it. I had asked my GP if I could have tubal ligation about 4 years ago but Gp talked me out of it.

At the beginning he was full of how supportive he was going to be and he swings between saying how happy he is and then his life is ruined and it's my fault.

I do work and have recently worked full time but my situation is a bit complicated because I have a disability and I also don't get paid very much although there is the potential for me to earn more in the future.

I'm in my 30s and he's 50.

OP posts:

Original poster

Moomin8 · 23/07/2019 19:06

I think he likes the idea of having another child but he doesn't like the idea of having to pay for him / her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Moomin8 · 23/07/2019 19:09

If he’s 50 now, he won’t get a UK state pension until 67. So his child will be nearly grown up by the time he retires - unless he has a large private pension fund.

Yes, this was my point which apparently made him 'angry'. He doesn't have a private pension at all so I have no idea where he's coming from.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/07/2019 19:09

He should have used a condom if he wanted to best reduce the chance of a baby. That's his problem. Any money he has to pay towards his child is 100% down to him not adequately protecting himself from causing a pregnancy.

He can choose - mutually agree an amount to pay or be pursued by CMS.

How many days is he planning on having the baby alone (once able to go with him alone)? The lower that figure the higher he should pay.

As a lone parent you will be entitled to some benefits/help with childcare. Everything else should be 50/50 between you both.

DustyDoorframes · 23/07/2019 19:28

Wait, what??? You've ruined his retirement... but he doesn't have a pension??? Oh dearie me...

Original poster

Moomin8 · 23/07/2019 19:31

I know, you couldn't make it up. He's even joking about us having another one after this one(!) I think he's unhinged tbh

OP posts:

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 23/07/2019 19:32

Can you just cut contact with him and tell cms his details when the baby is born?

Original poster

Moomin8 · 23/07/2019 19:36

Yes I've blocked him. He will try & get round it though.

OP posts:

wibbletooth · 23/07/2019 20:15

He like the idea of a baby because it’s a bragging thing - look at me, 50 and about to have a baby, I’m still young and virile...

But then he remembers the disturbed sleep, the stinky nappies (that I’m guessing his then wife mostly dealt with - he doesn’t seem hands on from what you’ve said!) and the costs. And the extra costs. And those other costs. And the need for even more baby stuff that costs... and he’s thinking been there, done that, don’t want to do that again as I’ve already paid for it once.

Has he volunteered to buy anything for the baby yet? Cot? Pram? High chair? Car seat? Baby gro? Pack of nappies? I get that it is probably too early to have bought these yet but has he shown any interest in them or their costs?

As a separate issue - are you going to put him on the birth certificate and are you going to use his surname? From what you’ve said hopefully that will be a resounding no to both those questions. Not least because if he doesn’t sound like he is going to even pretend to be around for a significant amount of time when the baby is born let alone beyond, then it will make your life a lot easier and won’t interfere with your ability to claim child maintenance.

Original poster

Moomin8 · 23/07/2019 20:59

He has talked about how much all of this would cost but hasn't actually offered to buy anything. This is another thing, he thinks we need to buy an expensive pram when there is no need.

What he did say was would I like a monthly payment or would I rather he bought stuff for the baby? Which kind of suggests he thinks if he buys things for the baby he won't have to pay maintenance.

OP posts:

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 23/07/2019 21:02

What a chancer.

I'm so sorry.
But at least you're finding out now.
Not after you move in together or something.

Graphista · 23/07/2019 21:28

Which kind of suggests he thinks if he buys things for the baby he won't have to pay maintenance.

You need to nip that idea right in the bud!!

Especially if he prats around paying cms minimum!

Rtmhwales · 23/07/2019 21:34

I'd be ringing CMS from my hospital bed. Doesn't sound like he'd be the type to offer more than the legal minimum so I'd let them sort it out for me.

bbcessex · 23/07/2019 21:46

OP, at 16 weeks, you've got 6 months for him to settle down / face reality.

Obviously it's better all round to be in a solid relationship and like-minded already, but hopefully the more the pregnancy progresses and becomes 'real' (to him) hopefully he'll be more responsible.

It's very early days to iron out exact details, especially if he's never been solid or dependable.

Original poster

Moomin8 · 23/07/2019 22:14

.It's very early days to iron out exact details, especially if he's never been solid or dependable.

I agree, that was my original point to him!! But he is the one who's been pressuring me to say what financial support I expect (when I can't possibly know)

And his behaviour since then has shown that he is actually not keen to give financial support and wants me to say he doesn't have to bother.

5 months is also not a long way to go. He's been pissing me around for 2 years so that will never change anyway...

OP posts:

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