My DP is potentially due to make some big money - (7+ figure deposit in the bank) this year and then the big income won't stop there.
A little about us to try set the scene;
My DP is from a rough area, lives in a council house and knows many people in deprived situations. At points, his parents were comfortable and 20 years ago he made up to a 6 figure salary for a number of years. For the past 20 years he’s sometimes earned well and something little. Most of his friends earn little and some earn plenty.
I grew up in a working-middle class area and know few people in deprived situations with my family members owning their own homes and my parents being comfortable enough. I am currently the breadwinner due to a stable salary. My friends get by/are comfortable enough. I earn the most – under £30k.
So it all started….
When my DP project picked up some speed, I noticed he was openly sharing the project cost/worth which is 7-9 figures, with casual friends who earn very little if at all and sometimes good friends. He is very excited and obviously cannot contain it. He is not doing this to brag.
I eventually pulled him up when he told a casual friend living in deprived and difficult circumstances that he was budgeting for [6 figures] on our wedding. I couldn’t believe it. Again, all excitement and inviting her along (I don’t think they’ve ever been out of the local area never mind abroad) and saying she will be looked after. Hoping to get her excited, I believe. When I pulled him up on it he took my words on board and we explored how she may feel.
I’ve mentioned my concerns a few times. He reassures me he will be careful with the money - safely investing it etc, how he talks and selective with who he stays in touch with – not my suggestion.
Another example is my DP wants a well-known luxury care (£150k+) as his dream buy. I mentioned he could buy a second modest car for when he visits certain areas such as his local very rough council estate where his casual friends are (he wouldn't let me walk through there at night). The council estate is somewhere he frequents at least weekly and feels very comfortable. He thought I was being silly, trusting nothing will happen to it and thinking no one will bat much of an eye as his friend drives his £40k care in there all the time.
I think a big part of him will be excited to show it off, he’s made it and he’s bought his dream car. I don’t think he wants to rub it in anyones face though. I think he is blinded by his own excitement at the negative impact that may occur from it.
Another incident is witnessing my DP (doing what I believe is) mistaking a nice business acquaintance who wants to earn good money (fair enough) as a “very good friend” as my DP calls him. We visited this "very good friend" last year. We arrived on Friday afternoon and left Tuesday morning. We had 2 meals provided to us in that time. There were barely any shops open due to the festive season and we just managed to feed find a sandwich and a few bits to eat each day. I usually have 3 and snack 3+ times a day.
This “very good friend” never asked if we have everything we need, never offered food or drink, never asked if we were comfortable and just seemed un-bothered. We were not invited to his house, only the patio and stayed in a local apartment. We even had to walk back to our apartment for the toilet, no acknowledgement whatsoever from his friend.
I was a pain complaining of my levels of hunger to my DP and asked him to ask his friend for food or something. My DP didn't feel comfortable to do so and advised we have to fit in with how they eat.
I believe my DP very much wants to be accepted by this man as this man shares the nationality of one of my DP’s parents. He wants this man to help prepare the wedding, may consider him as a groomsman for doing so, and is considering having this man provide the catering for our wedding.
I have made my upset quite clear to my DP and made it clear I don’t want to visit again. My DP has defended his friend and put them blame on himself for visiting at the wrong time. My DP feels I am unforgiving and should give him another chance.
My DP is one of two things; either walking around with rose tinted glasses or walking around in crystal clear/black tinted glasses believing ulterior motives and bad intentions.
If this business deal is successful, our lives will change forever. We are excited. We want to buy a house, we want to live together, we want holidays and hobbies. We want comfort and freedom that comes with money. Why not!
I want to help guide him in a way that he fulfils his desires, is proud and excited but not in a position where people’s views of him changes, where he can no longer mingle with his causal friends if he wishes, where he is not always in a position to give or lend money, I want him to be able to help those he wants to through choice not pressure.
P.S We do plan to help immediate family and close friends, set up charities, programmes and sponsorship etc so this is not wholly about greed. Though, of course I don't want it all to disappear through charity to others.
Am I being unreasonable? Am I out of place? Am I being too cautious?
Do those of you with experience of wealth, sudden wealth or other related situations have anything to advise?