Adjusting to Sudden Wealth

[AnticipatingAntionette]

My DP is potentially due to make some big money - (7+ figure deposit in the bank) this year and then the big income won't stop there.
A little about us to try set the scene;
My DP is from a rough area, lives in a council house and knows many people in deprived situations. At points, his parents were comfortable and 20 years ago he made up to a 6 figure salary for a number of years. For the past 20 years he’s sometimes earned well and something little. Most of his friends earn little and some earn plenty.
I grew up in a working-middle class area and know few people in deprived situations with my family members owning their own homes and my parents being comfortable enough. I am currently the breadwinner due to a stable salary. My friends get by/are comfortable enough. I earn the most – under £30k.

So it all started….

When my DP project picked up some speed, I noticed he was openly sharing the project cost/worth which is 7-9 figures, with casual friends who earn very little if at all and sometimes good friends. He is very excited and obviously cannot contain it. He is not doing this to brag.

I eventually pulled him up when he told a casual friend living in deprived and difficult circumstances that he was budgeting for [6 figures] on our wedding. I couldn’t believe it. Again, all excitement and inviting her along (I don’t think they’ve ever been out of the local area never mind abroad) and saying she will be looked after. Hoping to get her excited, I believe. When I pulled him up on it he took my words on board and we explored how she may feel.

I’ve mentioned my concerns a few times. He reassures me he will be careful with the money - safely investing it etc, how he talks and selective with who he stays in touch with – not my suggestion.

Another example is my DP wants a well-known luxury care (£150k+) as his dream buy. I mentioned he could buy a second modest car for when he visits certain areas such as his local very rough council estate where his casual friends are (he wouldn't let me walk through there at night). The council estate is somewhere he frequents at least weekly and feels very comfortable. He thought I was being silly, trusting nothing will happen to it and thinking no one will bat much of an eye as his friend drives his £40k care in there all the time.
I think a big part of him will be excited to show it off, he’s made it and he’s bought his dream car. I don’t think he wants to rub it in anyones face though. I think he is blinded by his own excitement at the negative impact that may occur from it.

Another incident is witnessing my DP (doing what I believe is) mistaking a nice business acquaintance who wants to earn good money (fair enough) as a “very good friend” as my DP calls him. We visited this "very good friend" last year. We arrived on Friday afternoon and left Tuesday morning. We had 2 meals provided to us in that time. There were barely any shops open due to the festive season and we just managed to feed find a sandwich and a few bits to eat each day. I usually have 3 and snack 3+ times a day.

This “very good friend” never asked if we have everything we need, never offered food or drink, never asked if we were comfortable and just seemed un-bothered. We were not invited to his house, only the patio and stayed in a local apartment. We even had to walk back to our apartment for the toilet, no acknowledgement whatsoever from his friend.

I was a pain complaining of my levels of hunger to my DP and asked him to ask his friend for food or something. My DP didn't feel comfortable to do so and advised we have to fit in with how they eat.
I believe my DP very much wants to be accepted by this man as this man shares the nationality of one of my DP’s parents. He wants this man to help prepare the wedding, may consider him as a groomsman for doing so, and is considering having this man provide the catering for our wedding.

I have made my upset quite clear to my DP and made it clear I don’t want to visit again. My DP has defended his friend and put them blame on himself for visiting at the wrong time. My DP feels I am unforgiving and should give him another chance.

My DP is one of two things; either walking around with rose tinted glasses or walking around in crystal clear/black tinted glasses believing ulterior motives and bad intentions.

If this business deal is successful, our lives will change forever. We are excited. We want to buy a house, we want to live together, we want holidays and hobbies. We want comfort and freedom that comes with money. Why not!

I want to help guide him in a way that he fulfils his desires, is proud and excited but not in a position where people’s views of him changes, where he can no longer mingle with his causal friends if he wishes, where he is not always in a position to give or lend money, I want him to be able to help those he wants to through choice not pressure.

P.S We do plan to help immediate family and close friends, set up charities, programmes and sponsorship etc so this is not wholly about greed. Though, of course I don't want it all to disappear through charity to others.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I out of place? Am I being too cautious?

Do those of you with experience of wealth, sudden wealth or other related situations have anything to advise?

i agree he probably can afford counselling/mentoring about how to budget and cope with sudden wealth.

I have seen many sudden wealth people develop serious issues as the sudden jump in lifestyle is quite a risk. It’s a whole new world and you’re likely to lose many genuine friendships and discover fake ones.

@HumptyNumptyNooNoo

This is how I would do it, if it was my wealth. I hope that he will be modest and mum for once haha - for his own sake.
If this goes badly, it won't have much on an impact on me only the impact on him

@Knitclubchatter

Regarding the poverty he lives around - this is like my DP situation.
If he lived and mingled mostly with "middle class" and above then I wouldn't worry as much. Its the divide of someone with 7+ figures in the bank to casual friends who are lucky if they have 4.

@soulrider
No nothing. It has been 20+ years and many years before our relationship his business collapsed leaving him with little.

@BarbaraofSevillle
Fair point. I wouldn't consider myself flash either but would love some luxury things. He's struggled financially for at least the past 5 years so I don't blame him

Yes I agree that could be a good idea

If the collapse of his business leaving with him with nothing has not made him more cautious then I think it's going to be hard to change his mindset with words alone.

If he was earning a 6 figure salary 20 years ago for several years, then frankly you sound completely over involved in this.

He has already had an eye watering different income to people from his background.

He coped then, didn’t he?
So either he knows how to, or he’s a liar cause who will never learn 🤷‍♀️
Stop treating him like a child.
If he’s showing off about a £100K destination wedding to dine one who’s never left the estate that he’s simply a dick.

Are you sure this money is even materialising? Sounds a bit Walter Mittyish tbh.

What is a 7+ figure? A million pounds? So just over half of that after tax?

That isn't enough to be rich. I can assure you

Helping friends, families, charities,programmes , sponsorships, lavish cars and weddings.
It sounds as though the money has well and truly gone to his head before it’s even close to being in the bank.
My advice don’t make any rash decisions within the first 3 months.

That isn't enough to be rich. I can assure you

Actually that’s quite the “sudden wealth” which is the topic of the thread. You are missing the point.

I worry about the maturity and business acumen of someone so phased by money. Is he this naive and clumsy with his work?

As PP said, worry about it when it happens. This sounds like fantasy.

@Oneminuteandthenallgone Agreed. Certainly not enough for helping family, charities, purchasing property, 100k weddings and fast cars.

If he's uninterested in investing this money sensibly it'll be a very short lived problem OP.

You’ve got nothing to worry about OP. He’ll only be rich for about a month, and then he’ll have pissed it away on cars and holidays.

The trick with being wealthy is keep that fact to yourself.

Wise words.

I would see an IFA many of them can talk realistically about the future. You need to be saving as well as spending, discussing tax implications if not being marked etc

He really shouldn't rub things into people's faces. And if the money does materialise, then see an IFA specialising in high net worth individuals and maybe not too local so they don't have mutual friends.

He sounds like he has the sort of personality to piss the money away and you’ll need to help him manage that if you want that money to last. If I made a million I wouldn’t tell anyone other than my husband. We’d pay off the mortgage and put money into pensions etc not splash the cash on luxury cars.

I experienced the opposite as a late teen, from a family worth multiple 7 figures to nothing. I think any sudden change in circumstances is isolating and social circles and attitudes you find yourself in very different.

Remember wealth can be transitory, don’t let it define who you are or what you become.

Don’t be flash or brag, treat people when you feel like it but don’t let it be a given. Be generous but not stupid. Be humble and not arrogant. Learn to keep stuff to yourself.

Don’t know why people are being snide. It’s actually quite difficult coming into a lot of money if you haven’t grown up with that.

There is some stat about how many lottery winners blow it all in a very short space of time. Bad investments, gifts to family and friends, frivolous purchases. Really difficult dynamics with friends and family who don’t have money.

OP i’d say your DP needs a financial advisor, and probably some mentoring from some other ‘self made’ people would be useful too.

Don’t know why people are being snide.

I think it’s good for OP to notice what type of mentalities they will have to deal with once they get their sudden wealth. It’s all too common in RL so it’s good she is getting a glimpse.

Many people get insecure when they see others get lucky with wealth while they’re working hard and not reaching that. Get resentful.

I actually feel sorry for the OP. I know quite a lot of people who suffer many heartbreaks from family and friends because of sudden wealth... her instincts are on point and she is being proactive about it. But to most people money is everything and they don’t see there is a human being behind it all..

Money doesn’t buy happiness.. relationships are equally important if not more. But most people don’t appreciate what they have and think it’s greener on the other side.. and judge others accordingly.

Your BF sounds an odd character. It's unusual to be so unaware of how you are coming across to other people. A flash wedding and a flash car are both a bad idea unless you want to appear to be, well, flash.
I'd wait for the money to come in and try and persuade the BF to buy a modest house and save the rest for the time being. You also need to tell him that he needs to stop bragging to his friends.

I've seen a few people spunk away their windfalls and end up worse off than before, so you're absolutely right to try to get him to be more careful.

For a start, what about tax? He really doesn't want to just blow it all and then find he's a six figure tax bill that he didn't think about. Get the tax worked out and put into a savings account so he can't spend it.

No harm in an expensive car, but he needs to remember that insurance, repairs etc will also be extortionate, so he needs to keep enough money aside to keep it running for a few years.

On a much smaller scale, I know a guy who got a £75k lump sum on early retirement. He blew most of it on a brand new fancy caravan. Fair enough, but then he realised his car wasn't strong enough to pull it, so he then had to buy a new, higher spec car which he had to buy on HP as he'd run out of money. Then he found the fuel consumption and insurance were high, so he could barely afford to drive it anywhere. After a year or so, he sold both the caravan and car at a huge loss and basically ended up where he started, back with a cheap old car and small old caravan.

There's a reason why lottery winners get lots of advice/help!