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Original poster

Struggling after moving in

33 replies

JessM83 · 24/05/2019 22:18

Just wanted everyone's thoughts.

I bought a house last year with my b/f. We live in it along with my 20 yr old daughter.

With regard to the bills we split them however my b/f pays more than I as he earns more which I appreciate and he seems ok with it.

Problem is when it comes to everything else like buying the shopping etc he ends up usually buying the majority which can be pricey over a whole month. I struggle for money however I usually end up loaning my daughter £200 plus each month to help her out which he doesn't know about. My daughter tries to pay me back but only works part time as she's a student.

He has mentioned a few times that he's struggling for money too at times.

Should I let him know as I'm afraid it might cause a major argument?

OP posts:
MLMsuperfan · 24/05/2019 22:35

More of a relationship question then a finance question perhaps.

Does your daughter pay any rent?

Original poster
JessM83 · 24/05/2019 22:48

No she doesn’t contribute however I would never ask her too. Just the way I was brought up I suppose.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 24/05/2019 22:51

It sounds like your daughter is living beyond her means. You need to sit down with her and work out a budget for her so that you are not bailing her out on a monthly basis.

You also need to work out a budget with your partner so that you know what you can both afford food wise etc and then shop accordingly.

babysharkah · 24/05/2019 22:55

20? If she's working she needs to contribute.

babysharkah · 24/05/2019 22:56

Sorry read it properly, you can't subsidise her £200 a month when you can't afford it.

stucknoue · 24/05/2019 23:03

I also have a 20 year old student daughter, I give her £50 a month, anything extra she has to earn - she can eat free at home and take food from home to university for lunch but I won't pay for food out (I take my lunch in!)

You need to stop subsidising her lifestyle, no student living at home needs £200 especially when also working

Fairylea · 24/05/2019 23:05

If your dd has a part time job you shouldn’t be giving her £200 plus a month Shock

SD1978 · 24/05/2019 23:12

Is your daughter in education or working? If you're providing her with food, lodgings and charging no bills- what is she doing with her own money? If he's paying the majority I'd be resentful as him also to be supporting two adults.

SD1978 · 24/05/2019 23:13

Didn't read properly. Your daughter has free accomodation and food. If she can't manage her money better to last- then she needs to up her hours or learn. An extra £50 a week when already living for free is her taking the piss.

iftruthbetold · 24/05/2019 23:22

Your daughter is taking the piss out of you and that's causing you to take the piss out of your partner

BackforGood · 24/05/2019 23:22

If you are lending it to her, and she is paying back then it isn't really that much of an issue as it is the £200 going round in circles.
If you are, in truth, giving it to her, then that is what you need to look at.

Does she have a loan ?
What is she spending her money on if you are not charging any rent, food or living costs ?

I have a 20yr old student dd, who does have to pay rent, buy her own food etc. Part of being a student is learning to budget.

Original poster
JessM83 · 25/05/2019 01:04

My daughter works part time and also has a student loan. Maybe I’ve made it too easy for her as she seems unable to budget for herself.

I only get part of it back iin small amounts at a time when she is able too.

Should I let him know as it’s a big expense he is unaware off?

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 25/05/2019 01:21

I'd hit the roof if I was struggling for money and my partner was throwing away that much money each month. Your daughter needs to look at her income and expenditure and understand where her money is going, and, if you're that strapped for cash then she needs to pay rent.

Original poster
JessM83 · 25/05/2019 15:27

Thanks for the adv.

Yeah I think he will hit the roof if he finds out. Struggling to take a stand with my daughter, far too spoilt and I know it.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 25/05/2019 16:42

I agree with Vim.
a) on the fact you are giving away your money every month, and expecting him to make up the fact your budget doesn't meet at both ends is completely dishonest. I would be furious if I were your partner.
b) I don't get why your dd is not only not contributing to her living costs when your family budget is clearly tight, and then on top of that is also taking further money from you on a regular basis .

SpideyMom · 25/05/2019 16:49

Your daughter is old enough to know better. Me and my siblings were paying our parents rent as soon as we had jobs at 18. Come to think of it I don't remember my parents ever subbing us any money from the age of 16 as we had jobs. They paid for our home, food, family things etc and we used our earnings for what we wanted. I'm grateful for them doing that as its made me more responsible with money and its been easier to understand budgeting etc when I brought my own home.

You sound like a lovely mom, and if you choose to not charge her board then that is your choice. But you need to stop helping her with £200 each month's because as you say you aren't getting it all back in one so it's gradually increasing what she owes you.
I think your Bf will be really disappointed. His paying the majority already so you secretly helping your daughter is contributing to his financial strain. It's not fair.

I think you need to sit down with your daughter and be a little tough. It can't happen anymore. She is an adult. She makes her own choices so she lives with the consequences, so basically when she's ran out of money it's her problem, not yours. She's already saving a huge amount each month not having to pay for a roof over her head, utilities and food etc. She needs to stop living beyond her means

CrotchetyQuaver · 25/05/2019 16:54

You need to stop giving money to your daughter. She should be managing on what she has especially with free food and accommodation as well. She needs a reality check. You are doing her no favours by enabling her to be like this. She's old enough to stand on her own 2 feet. You could rent her room out to a lodger, I think up to about £100/w tax free income so you'd be considerably better off without your daughter and with a lodger.

CrotchetyQuaver · 25/05/2019 16:56

I'm not suggesting you do that mind, but imagine how much better your finances would be if she paid you £100/w keep and you didn't keep subbing her every month. She's bleeding you dry.

user1487194234 · 26/05/2019 09:41

I am not sure it's that unusual to support a student child
My student DC is at home
I don't want her working in term time as her course is full on
She pays nothing in
I give her an allowance of £100 a week for travel lunches incidentals and nights out
I worked through Uni and it was hard and I want her to have an easier time
They have all their lives to work
She does normally work in the hols
You need to figure out what she needs and what you can afford,then fix a budget and stick to it

user1487194234 · 26/05/2019 09:43

And the idea of putting out your child from their home and getting in a lodger
Can't imagine anyone I know even considering that

BackforGood · 26/05/2019 14:16

No-one is saying it is unusual to support your dc while they are students, but, if your own finances are tight, and your dd has both a maintenance loan and a job, then there is no reason for the OP to be bailing her out every month, when that then leaves the OP having to be bailed out by her partner. I think that is the point User

user1487194234 · 26/05/2019 14:39

Ok each to their own
The main reason I work is to support my kids
I don't want them coming out with debts so prefer them not to have loans
Want them to focus on their courses so don't want them working apart from experience in jobs relevant to their course

BackforGood · 26/05/2019 14:43

which is your decision to make, but not the same situation as the OPs.

user1487194234 · 26/05/2019 14:44

As I said Each to their own

LoubyLou1234 · 26/05/2019 14:46

I paid my way from apprentice £60 a week at 16, I moved out at 21. I disliked paying a good portion of my wage as rent at home. However I think it helped me for the future.

If you can't afford it you need to stop! Some families afford to support their adult student offspring. Some can't. But you shouldn't be living on nothing to support her.
Sit down together, tell her your issues she may not realise. And help her budget. Sounds like you and your partner also need to have a discussion regarding money before it becomes a bigger issue.

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