Struggling after moving in

[JessM83]

Just wanted everyone's thoughts.

I bought a house last year with my b/f. We live in it along with my 20 yr old daughter.

With regard to the bills we split them however my b/f pays more than I as he earns more which I appreciate and he seems ok with it.

Problem is when it comes to everything else like buying the shopping etc he ends up usually buying the majority which can be pricey over a whole month. I struggle for money however I usually end up loaning my daughter £200 plus each month to help her out which he doesn't know about. My daughter tries to pay me back but only works part time as she's a student.

He has mentioned a few times that he's struggling for money too at times.

Should I let him know as I'm afraid it might cause a major argument?

I guess every parent chooses to parent differently.

I think every parent if they could would help their kids out as much as possible.

My parents couldn't and I am grateful for that as not having 'a back up' has made me stand on my own two feet and find a way. My Mom will offer me help now every once in a while when things are really hard. I politely decline as I really do believe once you are an adult you are responsible for your own choices etc. It's nice to know the help is there but I see it that they have their own financial commitments too so its not fair on me taking their money.

I'm sure if the OP could afford to she wouldn't be here. It is her choice to let her daughter live rent and bill free etc, as you say each to their own. But it's the loaning her money each month that 1, she cannot afford, and 2, is keeping it secret from her partner who is taking on the majority of the household outgoings.

Unless you are bringing in a healthy income, I can't see why you would provide your child with a weekly or monthly allowance. They are grown up and should understand they have to work to earn their money. I appreciate being a student is hard, but millions of people have been students in their life and lived like one and struggled and had to work multiple jobs. They still come out successful. No one wants their child to struggle but sometimes that is what pushes people to succeed even more.

Lives at home rent & bill free
Free food
Your child is not learning some valuable life lessons
Snowflake

Free board and lodging and £50 per week pocket money?
Yes YABU.
No problem with occasional emergency subs but this is not helping your daughter learn to live within her means. How will she manage when she starts to live independently?
Talk to her about your problem honestly - explain that you cannot afford to continue paying her but will help her budget and manage what she has while she is a student - kudos that she has a part-time job but THAT needs to be her pocket money.

@user1487194234 you also need to recognise that your choice comes from a position of privilege too- I don't have 100 a week for travel, lunches, nights out and incidentals for me, and I very much doubt I'll be in a position to sub my children to that extent at uni. So saying "each to their own" as if people are choosing to short change their children is not terribly helpful. And certainly doesn't help the OP who is clearly trying to make the choices you do, but without your means.
Also, having been to a uni with a lot of privilege, a couple of decades on, the kids getting payday loans in their thirties despite good incomes are the ones who had fat allowances back then.

I am certainly not from a privileged background,anything but
I work hard to support my DC
I certainly wasn't suggesting the OP was not doing her best to support her DC and certainly not that it was a great idea not to be straight with her partner
I did say she needed to agree a budget and stick to it
Was just reacting to the 'they are adults at 16 and should be getting no support and handing in rent ' posts

I am certainly not from a privileged background

That's not what Dusty said, and not the point she was making.

It's hardly the case when a child turns 16 they are expected to pay rent and not be supported anymore. Parents don't demand it!

My parents didn't want it. But me and my siblings saw it as a show of respect. 5 adults in a house costs alot to feed alone. My parents were still buying everything for us but of course our contribution helped towards the household. Which I feel is more than fair.

I will raise my child the same way as I was. I will always be his mom and help him however I can, but I hope as an adult he is responsible with his finances and doesn't expect regular handouts from the bank of Mom! The occasional sub is fine, emergencies happen, but monthly, not a chance!

He is growing up with a Mom who struggles, as much as he doesn't fully understand (he is young) he will learn that life can be difficult at times but you just get on with it. I go without. I have no social life. I am in the same clothes I have been for the last 6 years maybe even longer. I do nothing for myself.

The allowances discussed in this thread are not for emergencies. Their needs are still being met. It's basically their 'pocket money' which I don't agree with as an adult anyway!

Life on their own will be very hard when they've had it so easy!

Your daughter is 20, she has a student loan and works part time and you give her £200 a month?Plus she has no accommodation or food costs? Then that's a lot. She needs to better manage this.

I agree with helping as much as you can, but not at your own expense.