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Original poster

Am I wrong? (Savings account from grandma)

52 replies

Gemisagem12 · 31/03/2019 18:42

I’m gonna cut a really long story short I have 3 children, my 2 elder girls who don’t see their dad and my youngest boy who’s dad stays on weekends (he lives 100 miles away and has work commitments, we are not together and I moved back to my home in July last year becuase id had enough of his family)
ANYWAY
I haven’t spoke to any of his family since, and hardly did while I was there, they left me completely on my own for 2 years raising 3 kids, and now out of the blue my exes grandma wants to open a savings account for my youngest lad (I already have 3 future saver accounts olen for them and have gave them the details) so she’s been pestering for his birth certificate to open one but I’ve said straight no.
The reason being is because I don’t want them to turn up on 15 years wirh however much for him and my 2 girls absolutely nothing, my ex said I’m
Being unfair on him but I’ve alreasy said I have 3 children not one and they all get treated the same in my
Eyes and I won’t allow any of them to be treated differently ,
What’s your opinion? Am I right? Am I wrong? Am
I being unfair?
Baring in mind this is a family that promised to be there for me and my girls but when I fell down the stairs heavily pregnant holding my child and started bleeding they were too busy putting up a Christmas tree to come and help and I wasn’t even checked until 24 hours after the fall, maybe I’m bitter, they left my girls out at every chance, no Christmas cards, no birthday cards, but my boy got a party three behind my
Back ... what do you guys think?

OP posts:

driftingcloud · 31/03/2019 22:16

She needs the birth certificate to open the account/trust. I would let her do it. It's money for your child. I understand about the others but if they have different fathers then clearly things will be different.

Endoftether12 · 31/03/2019 22:18

I actually think you are being really controlling. My DH wanted a birth certificate so he could set up a savings account for his son (my stepson) and was told by ss mum no as she wanted to be in charge of his money and if we wanted to save anything we had to put it in the account she set up. Why should we have her assessing how much we put in? She would prefer for her son to lose out than lose an ounce of control. (We are still saving for him regardless but not through her!)

GroggyLegs · 31/03/2019 22:23

I can understand it feels all kinds of wrong, and they sound awful, but denying your son a share of his paternal family's money only serves to leave him less well off in the future.
It's not as if it's any skin off their nose to have an extra £50 in their Bank each month, is it?

gauntletthrown · 31/03/2019 23:43

So your son loses out because you don't want to deal with them? You're being selfish.

Why should she pay money to your girls who are no relation?!

Don't supply the birth cert just the details of his account and the it's up to her.

Original poster

Gemisagem12 · 01/04/2019 09:04

This is my argument, I don’t want to stop her paying money for
Him, that’s completely upto her, but I already have an account for him, and the idea of him
Having another account just throws me off, I’ve alreasy told them they each have money in their account (same amounts) and for whatever they put in for my son I’d make the same amount up for my girls, but they’ve refused, and as well I’ve had weeks where I’ve got £5 in my own account and not once even thought of taking from my kids, they know I’m not that kind of person, I would sooner see my kids walk around in Clark’s while I sellotaped my shoes together than take from them.

OP posts:

mclaleli · 01/04/2019 09:25

I don't understand what you are talking about. What has sellotaped shoes and £5 got to do with anything?

Your sons family want to give him money. So what if it's in another account, that's a very very minor detail, lots of people have multiple accounts, nothing to be concerned about.

SosigDog · 01/04/2019 09:38

So you’re suggesting that you yourself won’t treat your DC equally? If for example DS’s family give him £10 a week, you’ll give your DDs £10 a week but give him nothing? Sorry but that’s awful. You should treat all your DC the same.

The fact is, as they get older there will be differences between DC. They will certainly earn different salaries. They might marry a wealthier partner. And your DS will inherit from one family while your DDs will inherit a different amount from a different family? Will you expect the wealthier DC to share with the others? Share their salary or their inheritance? Share their husband or wife’s money?

You can’t make your DC equal. You can only treat them equally yourself. The rest is beyond your control.

NoTNoShade · 01/04/2019 09:39

I understand what you are saying.

You’ve got savings accounts for your three children. You are putting in money, the same for each child, in those savings accounts.

You are doing this even when you can’t afford to do so.

You want your son’s grandmother to put the money she wants to save for him in his existing account. Then you can put equal amounts in the accounts of your daughters so that they end up with the same amount when they get the money.

Your son’s grandmother doesn’t want to do this. She wants to open a new account for him.

Have you told her why you want her to use the existing account?

I don’t think you should be putting money in your children’s accounts when you can’t afford it. They might be lovely and sensible when they get the money and use it for a house deposit or a car or they might spend it on a piss-up in Bali.

cupoftea84 · 01/04/2019 09:45

Just ask her to put it in the account he already has. She wants to open the account so she can control it and later on be the fantastic granny that hands over the cash.
You're not denying your son the money by asking for it to go into his account he already has, you're just denying her the control.

mclaleli · 01/04/2019 09:46

The Irony is strong!

OP just let the boys family do what they are doing and if you want to save for your kids then do so, don't leave your son out and don't stop his family opening another account, when he is older he will be able to withdraw or transfer his own money, until then it makes no difference which accounts t it's in, so long as it's his.

Original poster

Gemisagem12 · 01/04/2019 09:47

cupoftea84 that’s exactly why I want it to go into the account I already have, they want to be this fantastic fabulous family that turn up with a huge amount of cash in the future while mymgirls don’t see that side of their family anymore and haven’t for years (it was a domestic violence relationship and he hasn’t been allowed near me since I was 6 weeks pregnant with our second girl)

OP posts:

mclaleli · 01/04/2019 09:47

She wants to open the account so she can control it and later on be the fantastic granny that hands over the cash.

The money will be from her regardless of what account it's held in meantime though? It literally makes no difference.

mclaleli · 01/04/2019 09:48

that’s exactly why I want it to go into the account I already have, they want to be this fantastic fabulous family that turn up with a huge amount of cash in the future

You should be pleased for your son tbh.

It still doesn't matter if it's in an account that they open or that you open, it's always going to be money from them to your son.

Original poster

Gemisagem12 · 01/04/2019 09:51

Also, Idk if this makes any difference but it was his birthday yesterday and they didn’t send cards or nothing, but when I asked his dad about it he said they have all the cards and presents there they’re just waiting to see him, it’s like I don’t even exist, idk if I’m just being selfish there or not but they don’t send him anything here, god forbid I have anything I might sell it

OP posts:

FloofenHoofen · 01/04/2019 09:54

His dad probably should have text you to at least say they had the cards and presents at theirs, so that you knew. I don't think it's that "you don't exist" but rather they want you to engage with them about their grandchild.
You cannot expect them to treat your girls the same as your boy, they're not related to your girls, and I can see why they want to treat their grandson. That being said I wouldn't hand over a birth certificate.

Could you perhaps not go with them to open the account up? So you can be there and be involved. It sounds to me like you are being very bitter and it's not fair on your son.

mclaleli · 01/04/2019 09:57

Idk if this makes any difference but it was his birthday yesterday and they didn’t send cards or nothing, but when I asked his dad about it he said they have all the cards and presents there they’re just waiting to see him,

Are there plans in place for this?

it’s like I don’t even exist

It's not about you though.

Original poster

Gemisagem12 · 01/04/2019 10:00

Yeah it’s not about me it’s about my son at least getting a card on his birthday.

OP posts:

mclaleli · 01/04/2019 10:32

Yeah it’s not about me it’s about my son at least getting a card on his birthday.

But it's not. Your post is about them trying to give savings to your son and you doing everything you can to prevent it. No idea what's wrong with your son getting money from his family.

QueenEhlana · 01/04/2019 11:43

he said they have all the cards and presents there they’re just waiting to see him, it’s like I don’t even exist

But why would you matter to them, beyond being the mother of their grandchild? I mean that honestly. You deliberately moved away from them because you had enough of them. You seem to want it absolutely all your way. You want them to consider you and your girls, yet you took off and want to have nothing to do with them. Sort it out in your mind!

tickingthebox · 01/04/2019 11:49

@Gemisagem12

As we found out recently you can only pay money into a childs account if you set it up. So my dad went in with cash to put into DS2 savings account (my name) and was refused.

They have a second account for DS2 (mums name) as they are saving for him too, and they wouldn't let him put it there either as my Mum had to do it.

SosigDog · 01/04/2019 12:06

DH once got a paper round to save up for a computer. His mother said it was unfair that he had a computer and his sister didn’t, so she bought her one of the same value. So by making them equal, she gave one child a large gift and gave the other child nothing. That’s basically what OP is doing. And it’s unfair.

SIL subsequently married a man who had inherited a house. Still waiting to see if MIL is going to give us her house to make it “equal”. Somehow I doubt it.

Isitteayourlookingfor · 01/04/2019 12:09

If things are so tight moneywise at the moment then I think you should prioritise day to day living until you are more financially secure than worry about savings.
They want to save for their grandson and they have nothing to do with your other daughters. There’s nothing wrong with that at all.

Sitdownstandup · 01/04/2019 12:14

She can open an account for him regardless of whether you like it or not. She will need the birth certificate but again, she can get that with or without your permission. You're really overestimating the amount of control you have over this.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 07/04/2019 14:13

So you can treat your own children differently but she is wrong to just look after her own grandchild and not two others who are no relation to her whatsoever.

I'm not surprised she doesn't want to pay into an account where you can access the money, that would be silly. She can have her own account and the child know where the money came from. Her son can get a copy of the birth certificate without your permission anyway as the father. What your other children get from their family is irrelevant and when' you have a second family with a new partner surely you know beforehand that the chdilren will have different lives.

It's normal to leave presents until contact with the parent on their family side, you aren't their family your son is. It's not all about you.

seahorse85 · 09/04/2019 14:59

Sorry OP but I'm afraid YABU.

As others have said - bottom line is they can open up their own savings account for him. And they can apply for a duplicate birth certificate too.

You can't demand they also give to your other children - who are no relation to them.

I suspect this is about your feelings about losing control - they're your son's family - but unfortunately you're not any more.

I wouldn't deprive your son. It makes you come across as controlling

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