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Original poster

Is this fair?

40 replies

DarlingEm · 21/03/2019 16:44

My partner and I live together, have a joint mortgage, my two children live with us (they stay with their dad EOW and one night a week) and his daughter is the reverse (lives with mum, stays with us EOW and one night a week). We're generally very happy. But the division of 'spare' money each month isn't equal and I am genuinely just looking for opinions.

I'll try and be concise.

He earn much more than I do. After tax and maintenance to his ex he has approximately 4K net left over a month. He runs his own business and works long hours, and has a lot of stress and responsibility.

My income is roughly half (2K) of his which is made up of approximately 50/50 maintenance from my ex and wages. I work part time in a relatively stress free job that I enjoy for the most part. I have a lot more time and I think that this works well for the time being with my children being the ages they are. At some point, probably in the next year or two I will look to work full time and increase my earnings.

However, I do do 100% of the shopping, washing, cleaning, cooking, ironing, bill paying etc. He does nothing domestically (other than the very occasional bit of hoovering). The hours that he works and his outside interests means that he has little free time.

I bought my house before we met with a sizeable deposit when I divorced. He has recently moved in and is now on the mortgage (I have a trust deed etc that protects my stake in the property prior to him moving in).

Because I had a big deposit, the mortgage is £700 per month. If we had bought the same house together without my big deposit and had just put down a 10% deposit between us the mortgage would be more like £1600 per month. Maybe more.

I put £1500 per month of my 2K into paying the bills, savings etc. I have £500 left over a month 'personal money' for myself and anything I want to pay for the kids that isn't food e.g. clothes, treats, school trips etc all come out of this.

He puts £2500 into paying the bills, savings etc. This means he has personal spends of around £1500 per month.

The savings are joint.

He believes this is fair due to his working hours and the money he earns. If I really wanted to, I could probably increase my earnings by around £500 per month by going full time. However, I don't think this is the right point to do so. I feel that the balance we have is good at the moment and I have the time and am able to look after everyone and the house etc. I realise I am fortunate to be able to work part-time and have this choice.

He does occasionally pay for treats out of his own money that he knows I can't afford - meals out, or a night away etc.

My question is, is this fair do you think? I do contribute a lot less financially and my kids live with us, therefore they are being supported by him as well in terms of food, bills etc. However, I have effectively saved us at least £900 a month because of the smaller mortgage. But then equally, the equity in the house isn't 'ours' if we were to split - I have protected it legally so that I would get back my contribution and only the 'uplift' in the value of the house would be split 50/50.

Is it fair?

OP posts:

Kungfupanda67 · 21/03/2019 16:50

That is hard, because he is contributing more to balance the domestic stuff you do, and like you say your children live there and benefit from him financially too. The equity I think is a non issue, because it hasn’t cost you anything (you’re getting it all back when you sell) and is benefitting you as well as him with the low payments. Honestly it sounds as fair as it could get, although I can see it would be annoying having so much less disposable income.

Kungfupanda67 · 21/03/2019 16:52

And you’ve said if you split you’ll get 50% of any equity on top of your deposit, which rebalances it a bit too as you’re contributing less than 50%

FreckledLeopard · 21/03/2019 16:54

The way that I've managed things with my DP, where we earn unequal amounts (I earn more than him) is to split the bills proportionately. So, broadly, I earn £3k per month, he earns £1.5k per month, so there's a total 'pot' of £4.5k. We then split all the bills on a 2/3, 1/3 basis, with me paying the larger proportion. That way we each have the same proportion of money left over, after the bills are paid.

swingofthings · 21/03/2019 17:11

I expect the key point of contention is the working hours. You work PT and seem to enjoy that balance even though you do most of the housework. He however might wish to do the same in which case, he too would have a reduced disposable income.

I think it comes down to how he feels about yo working pt. If he feels that you should work FT, in whic lhcase he could pay for a cleaner and or do more to help around, then it's fair enough to consider that it your choice to enjoy working pt and do with less income. If however he is happy with you working pt and doing all 5hw chores and wouldn't want you to go ft, then he is being unfair not to share il his disposable income.

ALargeGinPlease · 21/03/2019 17:17

Can't quite put my finger on why, but it doesn't feel right to me.
He gets to live in a nice house for a low mortgage, curtesy of your deposit and gets all his domestic drudgery seen to and is still left with considerably more 'spends' than you.
It just seems that if you are truly partners, he would want the available money, left over after the bills are paid to be more equal.
The only thing that might make me change that viewpoint, was if he was saving the balance between your available monies, because the amount of money in savings are in your favour, because you have more equity in the house.
I think it he saved his spare £1000 month in his name, to make up for the equity and you both had £500, I'd be ok with it, but if he was just splashing the spare £1000, I'd feel a bit put out.

NeverTwerkNaked · 21/03/2019 17:22

If the mortgage is £700 what does the other £3300 get spent on?

Original poster

DarlingEm · 21/03/2019 17:24

The rest is spent on food, bills, petrol, cars, insurances, and we put money into savings. The usual stuff.

OP posts:

Original poster

DarlingEm · 21/03/2019 17:28

I think part of the reason I am sticking to part time at the moment, other than my kids, is that I have seen how little he does when he lived alone. He is a very hard working man professionally but domestically very lazy. His flat was truly disgusting. He never cleaned and rarely tidied. He just about managed his washing and sent his ironing out.

He has said that when I work FT he will personally pay for a cleaner as he gets that everything falls on me and that would be his way to contribute domestically, if that makes sense?

OP posts:

Lollypop701 · 21/03/2019 17:35

If he will pay for a cleaner if you work, why can’t he contribute more now? If not why not?

Bluntness100 · 21/03/2019 17:36

I think this is fair yes, he is paying way more than you and supporting financially you and your kids, I'm surprised you want more from him because you have decided you'd rather spent more time with your kids than work more.

Honestly to ask him to pay for you and yours more so you had more disposable income would be taking this piss.

You were quick to protect your own interests, you're not married he is already subsidising you, that's enough,

Original poster

DarlingEm · 21/03/2019 17:50

Lollypop701 - because right now I have time in the week to do the cleaning, shopping etc. His offering to pay for a cleaner when I move to FT work is because I will be more pressured trying to fit everything in and he can't contribute more in terms of his time to the domestic stuff.

Paying for a cleaner would be his contribution as he can't contribute his time. He gets home most nights after work / his outside interests between 7-9pm and wants to unwind. There is no time spare to do jobs .

OP posts:

NeverTwerkNaked · 21/03/2019 18:33

You’ve ring fenced your equity and t seems like he subsidised the life style of you and your children quite considerably by contributing so much to joint expenses when there are 3 or you and it’s jusf him most of the time. So it seems quite fair that he has more disposable income.

Swiftier · 21/03/2019 19:05

What does he spend the disposable income on? Is he spending it on you or days out for the whole family, saving it towards holidays for both of you, etc or does it just go on him?

Original poster

DarlingEm · 21/03/2019 19:16

No its his to spend - on his hobbies, clothes, his daughter, trips with the boys etc. Anything joint like a family holiday comes from savings.

OP posts:

Lollypop701 · 21/03/2019 19:35

So he doesn’t do any housework at all, you do it all. But if you work ft he will pay someone else. So you are the free cleaner?

Kungfupanda67 · 21/03/2019 21:11

*@Lollypop701

So he doesn’t do any housework at all, you do it all. But if you work ft he will pay someone else. So you are the free cleaner*

Or at the moment she does all of the housework because she has more time, and he contributes much more financially to the household. If she does decide she would like to go back to work, he has offered to pay for a cleaner so that it will be less stressful for them both while both working full time, allowing them both to not have to stress about housework and also allowing her to increase her disposable income by working more. Men aren’t always the villains you know

Kungfupanda67 · 21/03/2019 21:11

Bold fail 🤦‍♀️

OKhitmewithit · 21/03/2019 21:18

I wouldn’t be happy. You are an unpaid housekeeper. Fuck that.

AwkwardPaws27 · 22/03/2019 10:18

Is he paying maintenance for his child out of the £1500 he has left, or is that coming from the bills and savings pot?

OllyBJolly · 22/03/2019 10:25

It sounds fair to me. He's supporting you and your children financially, and you are supporting him with housework. You have the life balance you want, he gets a reward for the stressful, demanding job.

Alarae · 22/03/2019 10:43

Sounds fair to me. Instead of you having additional disposable income as such, he is providing additional financial support for you and your children. He is effectively funding your spare time in a roundabout way, as you are part time.

IndigoDream · 22/03/2019 10:55

Aside from the issue about finances, how's everything else? Is he spending enough time with his daughter when she's at your house, or is that falling to you too? From the outside or sounds like he a lovely setup with a housekeeper, and life is much easier than if he were a single parent looking after his daughter on his own. How much cooking and housework does he do when his daughter is with you? How much quality time does he spend with her? And on the weekends that his daughter is with her mum, is he pulling his weight then?

Bookworm4 · 22/03/2019 11:11

I never think these arrangements are fair, it's more like flat mates. Regardless of who earns what, personally all the monies go into joint account, everything paid and whatever is left is there for both to spend. I have to say £3300 expenses AFTER mortgage seem excessive, I never understand people who complain about lack of money but have plenty in savings, save less as you sound pretty sound financially and thank got you must be one of the few onMN that's safeguarded your property.

Original poster

DarlingEm · 22/03/2019 15:03

His £1500 personal spends is AFTER maintenance to his ex, tax, and the 2.5k contribution to the family spending and savings.

He spends lots of time with his daughter, is very devoted but she’s very little on the weekends regardless of whether she is there or not. I still do the cooking etc.

Overall things are really good. He’s good with my kids, kind etc. We are happy. I wasn’t posting because I am unhappy as such. I see his point because our working lives are so different. I just wondered what others thought as it’s such a big difference in personal spends.

OP posts:

Original poster

DarlingEm · 22/03/2019 15:05

Sorry that should read HE does very little on the weekends.

OP posts:

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