Is this fair?

[DarlingEm]

My partner and I live together, have a joint mortgage, my two children live with us (they stay with their dad EOW and one night a week) and his daughter is the reverse (lives with mum, stays with us EOW and one night a week). We're generally very happy. But the division of 'spare' money each month isn't equal and I am genuinely just looking for opinions.

I'll try and be concise.

He earn much more than I do. After tax and maintenance to his ex he has approximately 4K net left over a month. He runs his own business and works long hours, and has a lot of stress and responsibility.

My income is roughly half (2K) of his which is made up of approximately 50/50 maintenance from my ex and wages. I work part time in a relatively stress free job that I enjoy for the most part. I have a lot more time and I think that this works well for the time being with my children being the ages they are. At some point, probably in the next year or two I will look to work full time and increase my earnings.

However, I do do 100% of the shopping, washing, cleaning, cooking, ironing, bill paying etc. He does nothing domestically (other than the very occasional bit of hoovering). The hours that he works and his outside interests means that he has little free time.

I bought my house before we met with a sizeable deposit when I divorced. He has recently moved in and is now on the mortgage (I have a trust deed etc that protects my stake in the property prior to him moving in).

Because I had a big deposit, the mortgage is £700 per month. If we had bought the same house together without my big deposit and had just put down a 10% deposit between us the mortgage would be more like £1600 per month. Maybe more.

I put £1500 per month of my 2K into paying the bills, savings etc. I have £500 left over a month 'personal money' for myself and anything I want to pay for the kids that isn't food e.g. clothes, treats, school trips etc all come out of this.

He puts £2500 into paying the bills, savings etc. This means he has personal spends of around £1500 per month.

The savings are joint.

He believes this is fair due to his working hours and the money he earns. If I really wanted to, I could probably increase my earnings by around £500 per month by going full time. However, I don't think this is the right point to do so. I feel that the balance we have is good at the moment and I have the time and am able to look after everyone and the house etc. I realise I am fortunate to be able to work part-time and have this choice.

He does occasionally pay for treats out of his own money that he knows I can't afford - meals out, or a night away etc.

My question is, is this fair do you think? I do contribute a lot less financially and my kids live with us, therefore they are being supported by him as well in terms of food, bills etc. However, I have effectively saved us at least £900 a month because of the smaller mortgage. But then equally, the equity in the house isn't 'ours' if we were to split - I have protected it legally so that I would get back my contribution and only the 'uplift' in the value of the house would be split 50/50.

Is it fair?

You're not married, and he works longer hours and earns more money. If you didn't do the domestic stuff he would pay someone to do it, so it's not something he's ever going to engage with. In this situation I think it's fair enough that he keeps more of his money, after contributing to the household including joint savings. If you were married I'd say differently.

I earn more than DH. We have our monthly household spending and savings budget, and I take that away from our combined monthly income, split the difference in two and that's what we have as our personal monthly spends. We're not contributing equally, but then most couples don't. We do have the same pocket money to play with though.

Thanks all. Most of you think it’s fair,or more than fair and I’ll take that. Xx

I think it is fair too. If you were married I would think he should share more. You are not married, you have your children living with you both and he has a child living elsewhere. He shouldn't spend all his money on your family when he has a DD and has not made a commitment to you as yet. You have legally protected your equity so are not prepared to share everything you have with him either. This is possibly a good call as you have DC and you need to protect them financially. But if you are protecting your interests I think it is fair enough that he protects his and his DD's as long as he is paying a fair amount into the pot. He is paying 5/8 of the pot and only he benefits from this contribution whereas you pay 3/8 of the pot and you and your DC all benefit from your contribution. Your equity is protected so doesn't effect him other than limiting how much money he can invest in the property.
£6000 a month after tax and maintenance for a child living elsewhere is a lot of money. It is surprising that money is a bone of contention when there is so much of it.

How much better off are you now that he's living with you?

How much better off is he (compared to his last place)?

I asked how much time he spends with his daughter when she is at your house as it's relevant to your question, and to the idea that you're part-time for your own reasons. If he's able to work longer hours because you're at home for his daughter, and able to enjoy the weekend without thinking about cooking meals for his daughter, then that's a benefit to him isn't it? Presumably if he were a single dad then he'd not be able to come home at 7-9pm on the nights that his daughter is with him, or he'd have to pay someone to pick up the slack. Whether you're at home anyway isn't really the point, he's benefiting from you being part-time.

Well, he moved into your house - he didn't choose to buy it and presumeably, he wouldn't buy it since he would only need to house himself and his DD. Arguably, his bills as a single parent wouldn't equate to £2500pcm because he wouldn't have to maintain another 3 people on a FT basis, only a small child on a PT basis.

He's subsidising you and you know it. Don't be greedy! You can afford a cleaner for a few hours every week from the joint £4K pot. A mortgage of £700 means £3.3K left over and you say that you only have £500 to pay for stuff for yourself and your DC.

What are you spending £3.3K pcm on? It's quite a lot of money for bills and insurances.

If he moved out, you'll only have £1300 pcm after the mortgage. If you take out your £500 for personal spends, you would have £800 to maintain yourself and 2 DC. At the moment, you have £3.3K - I doubt whether an extra adult who is at work most of the time and a small child who visits PT would "cost" an extra £2.5K pcm.

You & your DC are benefiting massively.

If you were married I would think it was unfair, but as you're not I guess I would let it go (as you have wisely ringfenced your assets).
I wouldn't be happy doing all the housework (unpaid) and would suggest he contributes either with his time/effort (probably not going to happen) or paying towards domestic help so it's not all on you. He's not a child, he should contribute to the domestic work load.

He has said that when I work FT he will personally pay for a cleaner as he gets that everything falls on me and that would be his way to contribute domestically, if that makes sense?
So why aren't you doing it? It's because having a day for yourself is not just about cleaning. It's one day of freedom, or not having to get up as early, not having to commute, giving yourself an hour or two to do what you want. It's a luxury and one that comes at the price of a lower disposable income.

I'm the other way, debating whether to go down to 4 days. It sounds like a dream after 20 years working FT, but I've got used to extra money.

Of course if I do, it wouldnt be fair to expect my oh who works 5 days and would also love to reduce his hours to have to give up some of his disposable income

I've read through your opening post a couple of times and (whilst I haven't quite woken up yet), it sounds pretty much fair and well balanced out to me. You seem to be a bit fixated on the savings you made on the mortgage, in that perhaps you think because there is a big saving there, he could be giving you even more money? You have quite rightly secured the property, but he is paying a large chunk. Are you for some reason worried about the future if you split up? Sorry if that sounds a bit presumptuous of me. Also, the work balance seems fine. Yes, it would be nice if he done a bit more, it still feels like a drudge doesn't it, even if you have got 'more time', supposedly!

Sansou - we both benefit from our living arrangement. Before he moved in he was paying £1200 in rent with all subsequent bills, council tax etc.

And I had a significant amount of spousal maintenance from my ex who is a high earner which stopped after 6 months of cohabiting, and tax credits so I wasn’t living off £800 a month or anywhere near it.

As I’ve said, I have taken on board the comments and agree it’s fair.

It’s nasty to call me greedy. Thanks!

So the house deposit really came from your ex earnings rather than your own investment.

Sorry but it sounds like you are financially relying almost solely on your ex and new partner.

I think your partner is right. You really should work FT and contribute more to support yourself and your children.

Swing of things...No.. ...the house deposit came from my divorce settlement. True, I was a SAHM mum when we divorced, but when I met my ex I had my own substantial investments, money, equity etc and had put all of those into buying our marital home. My ex had far less to contribute. Plus at times I was the bigger earner, before giving up my career after my second child was born (a joint decision with my ex) and my ex’s career subsequently going through the stratosphere.

And my partner does not say I need to contribute or work more at this point. We’ve talked about it when my kids are a bit older but he’s happy with the current arrangement.

You’re very presumptuous.

Move house into a rental

You rent your property out to make an income from it, you both then have a big income and pay 50/50

This means he is going to have to pay more - but you get a big income

Or stay put and you rent him part of your home

Yes, it’s broadly fair.

You subsidized his mortgage through your deposit which you’ve safeguarded.

He’s subsidizing your savings and lifestyle through providing more than you could, working part-time.

Though I do think how you split money is odd, given your circumstances. Especially the joint savings account. If anything ever happened to you, would you not want the money you have saved to go to your children and not your boyfriend?