Long post to give some context - thanks for sticking with me!
MIL life dream was to have GC, adores all children. Myself and husband have 4year old DD. We both work full time . Live about 10 mins away from husbands parents . DD goes to Creche full time.
2 years ago DH and I hit a very tough patch. Make or break scenario. At the time DH asked MIL before we get a baby sitter is there any reason why she didn't want to occasionally baby sit and help with GD (evening out )
He asked this because MIL is besotted with GC. Turns out MIL wants to do all those things but FIL sees all baby sitting as a service which should be paid for. MIL doesn't want to upset the FIL so stupidly we agree to pay for all baby sitting.
Now this is where the problem is.
- I have no issue giving money to MIL instead of a baby sitter but the lines between being grandparents or a business transaction are being seriously blurred (exampleS below)
- FIL does nothing to help MiL while "baby sitting" but in fact refuses to drive 10 mins to our house makes MIl drive to us even though she isn't the most confident driver
- DH and I do a lot for both of them, as all families do - driving places , book holidays for them , help wherever they need etc. In the past when we they have helped us with a course one of hours sitting we always give tokens of appreciation it's never gone un noticed.
FIL always has been selfish and controlling , MIl refused baby sitting money once and FIL told DH not to embarrass her and put the cash in an envelope instead ...... ☹️
So our dilemma - it's gone beyond ridiculous, we have patched things up and welcomed a beautiful new child , which MIL claims is the Twain for her existence, 2 healthy GC her dream. But the problem we have is we are charged doing rate of a childminder for any type of minding of them. For example to help DD1 settle I've the new arrival and tongive us a break DD had one sleep over at GP House - we paid for that overnight sleepover €40
MIl then asks what plans are for childcare when I RTW as they would like to help and she wants to take them for 1-2 days ....... FIL agrees .... but then changes his mind when we advise what the childminder would charge (explicitly says its not worth anyone working for that is hi with that option you won't get cheaper ) MIL still insisting she wants to do it - but we would be paying an hourly rate the same as a qualified childminder . We didn't agree but cane away slightly saddened that it's FIL again just seeing how much money can be made from it
Finally in the middle of this above discussion MiL OFFERS to babysit so we can have a few drinks after the baby , our first night out on our own , just a few hours. A nice happy occasion . Come back home from our meal & drinks ..... low and behold we've been charged the hourly rate again for the "offer" of baby sitting.
I'd somehow thought this would be a gesture .
I am so hurt by all of this , MIL is very passive and although doesn't "want" the money does actively take it for a quite like with the FIL.
I feel that FIL is just using the kids and us as a cash cow , I would never expect them to mind GC for free but to date we've paid them for baby sitting on there own sons birthday, paid for a night where I was working very late and DH had an injection and couldn't mind our DD and now charged for a night celebrating the arrival of their very own GD. Last week we took then to a show and bought the tickets for them , we put petrol in their car to cover the cost of the 10 min drive , I really feel exploited and taken advantage off.
How do I approach this with MIl bearing in mind she hates confrontation of any kind (that's why she lets FIL dictate) she also lives for the GC and I don't want her to feel that she has done something wrong. But if we continue we will be charged baby sitting if we go to the bathroom in their company.
Hope this makes sense - I've spoken to friends who say their own GP if they do baby sit would never take cash , a small token every now and again but not like the situation we are in.