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Original poster

Funeral costs for estranged parent

38 replies

Bensonhead · 04/02/2019 13:28

Ok, bit of a long one.

I have been estranged from my Father for some 13 years, although one of my brothers still saw him from time to time. He passed away last week and it is time to arrange his funeral. As far as we are aware he had nothing that any sensible person would have - no life insurance or pre-paid funeral plan etc. He split with a long term partner with whom he apparently had a relatively stable existence early in 2018.

The basic quoted costs from the funeral director that has been appointed are coming in at circa £3k. My brother is offering to put it on a 0% credit card, but I can't conscionably allow that - he works for the NHS and him and his wife are looking to sell and buy a new house this year, at the same time taking on a bulk of this cost would put a dent in my and my husbands savings, especially as I have just started maternity leave (with a baby due in 10 days). I don't want him to have a paupers funeral, nor my brother to shoulder the burden, nor do I especially want to pay the costs. State assistance with funeral costs seem limited to those receiving benefits, which we are not but I wondered if there were any other routes or options.

Please no judgement on the relationship etc, this is obviously a bit of a difficult time.

OP posts:

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 04/02/2019 13:36

Was your df a member of any society? I remember my friend's dm got a large donation from a miners charity (or similar), they had also given him funds for holidays over the years. Her poor dm never got a holiday as there wasn't cash for her....
That's why she was reluctant to pay for the misers funeral herself.

Original poster

Bensonhead · 04/02/2019 13:40

I don't think so, he was a taxi driver at one point but hadn't been one for some time due to ill health (and loosing his licence drink driving....)

My Mum and him split about 22 years ago and have had no contact since. He was living alone in a council flat after the split with his former partner.

OP posts:

Tensixtysix · 04/02/2019 13:42

So how many of you are his children? Can't you split the cost between you?
He was till your dad!

GoFiguire · 04/02/2019 13:42

I don't want him to have a paupers funeral, nor my brother to shoulder the burden, nor do I especially want to pay the costs.

You can’t have you cake and eat it, nor should you have a funeral and not pay for it. Are you going to attend the funeral? If so, you need to pay for it.

Mumof1andacat · 04/02/2019 13:45

Is there any money in the estate? Property, savings, shares? If there is then the cost of the funeral will come out of the estate once it's settled so you and your brother will get the money back

ffiffi8 · 04/02/2019 13:46

Did he have any pensions? It's worth contacting them as if he does they'll need to be contacted anyway to let them know he's passed on, he may have some pension left which my fathers pension provider paid for his funeral.

Moreisnnogedag · 04/02/2019 13:47

He’s still your dad

Um no many people can have a biological parent but no relationship for many many reasons.

I’m afraid your choices might be a paupers funeral or paying. Speak to the bereavement office - they endeavour to help as much as possible and make state funerals nice as they can.

Hoppinggreen · 04/02/2019 13:47

When my estranged father died I told my brother that he could do whatever he wanted but not to involve me. He had the choice of whether to go NC with him or not and decided not to so as far as I was concerned it was all up to him.
As for “he’s still your dad” utter bollocks, if my brother hadn’t sorted out a funeral I would have left it to the Council.
If you are so determined he has a proper send off OP then you will have to pay for it

Bamaluz · 04/02/2019 13:48

A friend in a similar situation arranged a direct cremation, or unattended cremation it may be called, and then a very small ceremony to bury the ashes.
This was a lot cheaper but it depends on how you feel about the cremation side of it.
Ask the undertaker or look online for details, I actually saw them being advertised as a no fuss option to a traditional funeral recently.

Tensixtysix · 04/02/2019 13:49

It is one of those things that comes at the wrong time...

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/12090335/British-people-donating-bodies-to-science-to-avoid-funeral-costs.html

HerRoyalNotness · 04/02/2019 13:50

PIL have messaged us about doing a direct cremation for them when the time comes as they don’t want to spend a lot on a funeral. I don’t know what it is, but might be worth looking into. I’m presuming is from morgue to cremation. If you were NC, no need to have a service, maybe you and your bro just go to the pub for a beer instead.

NoCupcakesOrCocktails · 04/02/2019 13:56

Hi my dad died a few years ago. My brother and I were estranged from him. Is there a solicitor acting for the family? My dad didn't have a will. He had another child (younger than us) who contacted a solicitor who then acted for the whole family. My dad lived a very small simple life and we didn't think he had any assets. Surprisingly there was a small inheritance left between us after the funeral costs and solicitor fees were paid. I do know there are some ways to get help towards funeral bills, I don't know any more details sorry as we didn't need to go down that path in the end. I hope you get something sorted out. And I'm sorry about your dad, it can still be very hard processing it all even if he wasn't a part of your life

Original poster

Bensonhead · 04/02/2019 13:56

Thank to all those saying 'he was still your father' - I'm in the fortunate position of knowing that my baby will hopefully grow up with a loving and responsible father, but that wasn't the case for me, so I don't feel I owe him.

Please be sensitive and avoid the ol' Mumsnet pile on, it's not really helpful. I appreciate we probably just have to suck up the costs, however my thoughts are it's worth exploring.

My understanding is that there is no 'estate' to speak of. I think he was living on state pension and some disability/sickness allowance. He may have had some monies put aside with his former partner, but it all ended badly and they haven't spoken since then.

My brother feels he should have a simple but 'proper' funeral - I'm just annoyed he has found yet another way to 'take' from us.

OP posts:

Ffsnosexallowed · 04/02/2019 13:59

I was estranged from my father from the age of 2. I can't imagine even being asked to contribute to his funeral! You and your brother are under no obligation to help, if you brother decides to then that is his choice.

0ccamsRazor · 04/02/2019 14:00

A friend went through similar op, she had been nc/estranged for very good reasons.

She let it for the council to sort out.

Hoppinggreen · 04/02/2019 14:03

Benson he cant take anything from you, he has power over you at all unless you give it to him - and that’s the case alive or dead.
You are choosing to pay for a funeral, and if that’s what you wnatnto do fair enough but I don’t think anyone can make you

ReflectentMonatomism · 04/02/2019 14:04

My brother feels he should have a simple but 'proper' funeral

Which the council will do, in the event that there are no assets in the deceased's estate to deal with it. For example:

www.birmingham.gov.uk/info/20071/support_to_help_you_live_independently/119/help_with_arranging_funerals/3

user1471528245 · 04/02/2019 14:11

You don't need to pay all that for a funeral, I investigated all the alternatives when my mum died, there is such thing as a simple funeral, there are companies that can collect the body take it for cremation and return the ashes to you, I was quoted just over a thousand pounds, seemed a much nicer way to me as it meant we could then have a church memorial service afterwards rather than the rushed over priced crematorium service that cost £4000 that we had in the end as family felt it needed to be traditional.

The only drawback with a simple funeral is there are no mourners at the crematorium, as you were estranged would it really matter, unless you're deeply religious it makes more sense,

This is what happens with David Bowie, there was never a service, is body was just sent for cremation

user1471528245 · 04/02/2019 14:16

Of course you can actually pay for the Crematorium, pop down the hospital and collect the body, (no requirement for a coffin) put them in your car take them to the crem and have a quick internment, pefectly legal under uk Law

MorningsEleven · 04/02/2019 14:18

My brother feels he should have a simple but 'proper' funeral - I'm just annoyed he has found yet another way to 'take' from us

What do you want? If you don't really want any part of it then let your brother pay. I'm estranged from my mother and, when the time comes, she can go in a skip as far as I'm concerned.

Evidencebased · 04/02/2019 14:20

Have a look here: quakersocialaction.org.uk/we-can-help/helping-funerals/down-earth

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 04/02/2019 14:25

The council will do a proper funeral, they won’t do something awlful it’ll all be legal and respectful.

I think you need to work out what you want and see where that sits with your brother. Your brother is an adult, if he chooses to put that sum on a credit card that’s his choice.

Maybe you can find a sum you would be happy to contribute. It could be nothing, £100 or £1000 but it’d be a number you’d settled on.

You could contact a funeral director and ask about a no-frills cremation/burial. You don’t need the cars etc so the price should come down.

Good luck.

Gingerkittykat · 04/02/2019 14:25

www.purecremation.co.uk/arrange-a-cremation/

Direct cremation.

I would also shop around if you want a traditional funeral, what you have been quoted seems high.

I understand that you were estranged and don't want to feel responsible. Families are complicated.

AdaColeman · 04/02/2019 14:29

Was he ever in the Navy/RAF etc? If so, they may have a funeral fund available.

Hazlenutpie · 04/02/2019 14:30

A friend in a similar situation arranged a direct cremation, or unattended cremation it may be called, and then a very small ceremony to bury the ashes.
This was a lot cheaper but it depends on how you feel about the cremation side of it.
Ask the undertaker or look online for details, I actually saw them being advertised as a no fuss option to a traditional funeral recently.

100% this ^

This is what I want when I die. I can't abide the thought of my family having to pay a ridiculous sum on a full fat funeral.

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