Husband drowning in debt leaving me with nothing. Really need advice!

[mummytwoh]

Hi,
I am looking for some advice. My husband and I have separate bank accounts. He is the main earner and I am a stay at home mum. I do however own a little side business but it is not bringing much in at the moment.
My husband has got into massive debt - massive. I found out about this last year and was completely devastated and felt really betrayed. I still don’t 100% understand how the debt came about and why he let it get as bad as it did but regardless I decided not to walk away from my marriage.
We have young children and for me to work outside the home we would be financially worse off due to childcare so unfortunately that’s not an option at the moment.

Almost half of my husbands income is going to pay off the debts each month which means there simply isn’t anything left after the rent - last month he was £130 short of rent which I managed to cover with our child benefit. However I have done the entire month with not one single penny and it isn’t the first time. I still feel my husband isn’t being as responsible for the finances as he could be - he’l do Silly things like pop to the shops and buy a £5 treat - a cake or something. It’s not a massive deal and he gets stroppy when I complain about it and says “so I work 6 days a week and can’t buy a cake” the fact is no, no he can’t buy a cake. I feel that absolutely every single penny needs to be accounted for and spent properly. All the £5s £3s spent of unessentials add up.

He is refusing to get any official help to reduce the monthly payments as his job requires strong finances and he could lose it / certainly his position if they were to find out what a mess he’s in.

I can’t claim any working tax credits or anything as his wage is over the threshold so I’m not entitled to absolutely anything.

I honestly don’t know what to do
Monday - Friday he works away so I have the children on my own. I literally have no money what so ever to live on. I do a weekly food shop using his credit card but the final week of the month that runs out too.

I don’t want to end my marriage because of finances, but I feel like I need to separate in order to be able to have some money, and also pay my own bills which are at the minute just being left.

Can anyone see a way out of this?
Obviously I don’t want him to lose his job or position at work, but we can’t continue like this forever and I don’t see what we can do to get on top of everything.
I don’t even have access to the accounts to go through it all and work out a budget.
I feel completely in the dark and am frustrated.

Every idea welcome.

Thank you xxxx

There’s a few things to address here, so will just mention some and I’m sure other posters will have ideas.

So he is in vast debt....is it from something like gambling, or is it due to (over)spending on things that his family has benefitted from? For example has it enabled you to get nice hair treatment to etc?

Anyway, my suggestion, sit him down, work out all incomings and outgoings ((perhaps even consider having one account between you so you can both monitor it). This includes any income, child benefit etc. Basically, you are a family, ok he should have told you - very wrong of him not to, but now you can do something about it.

So work out your monthly spending and only include absolute necessities. eg, you want a cake...no nipping out to buy one, it costs pennies to make one! Look at exactly what you are spending every penny on - could you shop cheaper and use less convenience foods for example?

You’re little side business - can it make more? Have you considered a part time job? Something say on a Saturday working in a cafe while DH looks after the kids?

Look at whatever interest is applied to your debt and look at other accounts with lower interest to move it to.

Your way out of this - if you want your marriage to work - is to work together on this. You seem to think you might get more money if you separate...Perhaps look at this very carefully before you do so.

Crikey. I've been through similar but the debts were manageable and I knew what it had been spent on, house renovations that went way over. I'm a saver and dh isn't its been an issue more than once.

In all honesty if he won't be open with you about where the money has gone and all the incoming and outgoings and thinks it's OK to spend fivers on crap when you have no money is hiddious.

You can save your marriage by working through this together and being on the same page, ie clearing the debt together or he will carry on as things are and your relationship will end up in tatters. Have you any idea where the money has gone?

For me personally I wouldn't be able carry on this relationship to the extent you are as in having no money. If the kids were going without that would be a deal breaker. I'm not suggesting you leave but I think if he doesn't come clean so to speak you need to have a back up plan. Have you any family who can help?

I work around my dh now and have done for several years and the moeny helps loads as we have no child care bill. Can you get some weekend work. Try restaurants, bars, cafes, care work, reception work etc you could easily earn 100 a weekend. That really would help and make you feel more in control of the situation.

Complete transparency is needed. A full incomings and outgoings with last few months bank statements to evidence.

See where you can cut back, you will find lots of good advice about this online (possibly on here but definitely on MomeySavingExpert forum).

If he’s not willing to disclose all the household finances to you then I think you have a decision to make.

have you added everything up and phoned a debt advisory agency? a free one i mean like the national debt helpline run by the government?

i had to do this when my marriage broke down and we owed £40k which i ended up taking

because i am still theoretically a homeowner with ex dh i got an iva arrangement which has a few years left to run and its a total pita but at least when its done ill be debt free.

He needs to be honest with you about how this has happened and then he needs to let you take over the household finances as he has proved he is not capable. Seek help from an organisation to help with the debts. You need to look at increasing household income so you may need to consider a part time job fitting around his hours when he can have the kids.

Coud you have the children share your bed room and let out their bed room?

May be you take a day job working all day Satruday and Sunday and he takes a nights job for weekends.

Make sure you see and have photocopies of all his paperwork, his bank accounts, statements, debt letters so you know on a daily basis exactly what women in coming in and going out of his accounts

Hi there @mummytwoh
He needs to let you see every one of the credit card statements for the last year.
He needs to give you the logon details for every one of his bank accounts.
You need to sit down and work out what he owes.
If he has a job that could be lost due to an IVA than he's an utter arse to hide his head in the sand.

If the cards / debts are maxed out and he's not adding to the debt then the
standing order trick
is your friend

but if he refuses to take responsibility for his actions, you need to be willing to activate the nuclear option of temporary separation
until he grows up enough to deserve his kids.

This is a terrible situation for you and the only way you will begin to feel powerful enough to take control is if he is fully transparent with all the details...that means showing you how the debt accumulated. He will be defensive and maybe from his pov spending went on a lifestyle above the family means and he just did not know how to cut his cloth or wanted to keep up with the jones
.or maybe it is more sinister...gambling addiction, drugs ,alcohol ,affair.

Either way you need to know.
From now on you both need to agree to be involved in the family finances. I dont know how any person can stand to live being hidden from such matters.
You need to do a detailed budget down to the penny of the household spending after full disclosure and that will let you figure out what shortfall is and what you have to do..weekend evening job etc..he might not like it but you need to be very clear that this perhaps is only way to save marriage

Where has the money been spent? How do you know the problem spending has stopped?

I agree with Xenia. Try and find a job in the hours that he can look after the kids. You will never get out of big debt by cutting back alone. You need another income.

Having dealt professionally with the serious/formal consequences of other people’s debt, there are a few things I know to be true in a situation like this:

1. It is untenable. Something has to give. If you don’t take control of what gives, it will give on its own and you will have less or no control.

1. If it’s credit cards and he can only afford the minimum payments, the debt cannot be paid of or sufficiently reduced within any reasonable timeframe. See above 1.

1. If any of it is loans, there may be light at the end of the tunnel if the repayment term ends in a relatively short time AND the payment is significant. Otherwise, see 1.

1. Even if impeccable finances are required for his job, in my experience most people do not lose their jobs if they are up front with their employers. It is usually the lie or omission that leads to termination of employment.

You need to know all the information : is it loans, cards etc, how much is outstanding. Get a credit report so you know the truth. Then you need to call Stepchange, and go through the whole situation with them for advice.

Please recognise that it is not important at this stage what it it was spent on, concentrate on sorting out the situation now, and then re evaluate the back story afterwards. Knowing what it was spent on is not going to help solve the crisis,

But there is no point doing points 1-5 if point 6 continues as you’ll be building a house on sand

Lots of suggestions for what you can do, but what you definitely can’t do is save a marriage on your own, there are two people in a marriage. In yours one person caused the problem, also won’t share the facts and on top of that thinks he can use essential funds to buy cake... for him. How much harder than him are you working for your marriage and family? 200%? He’s going to work sure but he’d be doing that if he’d never even met you.

There will be something you could do to earn money. What ages are the children?

Tbh it sounds as if he is yet to be upfront about his problem. Half his wages going on debt is insane. Does that only service interest charges rather than reduce the balances? What is his forecast timescale to clear it? Is he still spending? He has n't admitted what it was on - lifestyle, gambling? What changes has he made? Try get copies of statements if the account is joint. If he does not address the problem his job is at risk anyway. Frankly the trust has gone and you need to become more independent and assertive whatever the future outcome.

It sounds as though he is feeling very bad about this. He might be feeling guilt and shame regardless of how he fronts it out. He needs to understand that the heart of partnership is that you face problems together and give each other strength. Whether you can do this will depend on you both. Couples counselling might help. On the debt front I would think it could be done confidentially. Good luck.

I don’t even have access to the accounts to go through it all and work out a budget.
I feel completely in the dark and am frustrated.

Why not? Given the situation that’s simply not acceptable. Have you asked and has he refused? It really should be a dealbreaker.

Ring stepchange, explain the situation and ask whether undertaking a debt repayment plan could jeopardise his job. My partner is with step change after accruing lots of debt through the family courts. He has paid half his debt in 2 years thanks to the freezing of interest. A simple phone call will not make you obligated to do anything and I can imagine it'll make you feel much better!

I'm so sorry you are going through this but I think you need a massive reality check. These two things are INSANE:

'I don’t even have access to the accounts to go through it all and work out a budget. I feel completely in the dark and am frustrated' AND 'I still don’t 100% understand how the debt came about

You CAN NOT fix a problem that you don't fully understand. You are making massive sacrifices to your life, including not paying your own bills, for what? How do you even know that what you are doing is going to solve the problem in the long run? I think you need to make very clear to him what an utter shit life you are having and will continue to have and that you are willing to do that for him and your family, but only if you are fully across EVERYTHING. And he can shove his £5 cake where the sun don't shine quite frankly.

If he is home at weekends can u not get a weekend job bar work shop work to bring a bit more in. You need to have access to the accounts so you can go through everything and find out how the debt came about and where the money has and is going

£5 cake unless very occasionally is an unaffordable luxury in your situation unfortunately.

Is there someone at your DH work that he can talk about the debt and potential consequences, union, staff welfare etc, where it's in confidence and his employer won't know?

It might not be as bad as he fears, and anyway, it sounds like he's lost his 'strong finances' status, whether it's considered to being finacially responsible, or not being suseptible to bribery/dishonesty, someone in massive debt even if they were keeping up with payments, wouldn't be considered to be financially responsible if they were only managing this by not paying their basic bills.

If you can't increase your income enough to get back on top of things, either by you at the weekends, or by him getting a better paid job, it sounds like it's time to bite the bullet and get help, otherwise there's a risk of going round in circles with this for years as interest often eats up the majority of the money you pay, with little going towards the debt.

You need to work out where you have been going wrong with money. does your income not cover your basic expenses, or has the family been spending a little too much on extras and putting these on credit?

Have a look through the money makeover to see if you can get your budget to balance and if not - look at getting help with your debts. It might even be worth your DH looking for a job where his employer has no interests in his finances if his current employer is unsympathetic. Then you will be free to seek the appropriate debt solution, which could even be bankruptcy.

But in any case, you should be paying your rent, bills, food, travel first and then paying off debts, not the other way round, and if there isn't enough to pay you basic living expenses, including a very modest allowance for treats, eg £20 per person per month and all your debt paymebts, that means that you're at the stage when you need a more formal solution.

Thank you so much for all your replies and help - it's REALLY appreciated.

His job is in the military which means financially if he's not secure he would be open to bribery when being deployed which he is due to be this year. It's at a fairly established rank which makes the situation even worse. It also means that although technically he comes home at weekends, at the very last minute things change and I get no notice. I don't have backup childcare that's not booked in advance so if I was working on a Saturday I would be constantly letting my employer down. Also it would be temporary as he's due to be deployed for 6 months very soon.

I haven't heard of a few of the websites mentioned so will definitely look them up. I tried to call one agency for advice but as the debt isn't in my name they couldn't really help.

He has thrown figures at me regarding where the debt came from. 10k for a car was the first ever debt. He got a bank loan rather than getting it on finance because the interest was lower apparently. I don't drive so have no idea how that all works.

I think it got so bad because he was / is always moving money around. Again (& I know I sound completely naive) but that isn't something I do either. I've never had credit cards & always grew up in a family who had the attitude "if you can't afford it you can't have it" end of. He gets new cards with 0% interest. Moves debt over but doesn't close the original card. Starts using it then interest comes on the new card and the same thing happens over and over again.
I got my first credit card 18 months ago (before I knew the debt existed). I got it purely because my credit was terrible, because ironically I haven't ever needed credit. The interest rate was / is horrendous. However at the time I was paying it off monthly and not putting much on it. I just wanted to build my credit score which I've done a lot. He's had 2 credit cards taken out which he said are to move my debt onto so the Interest wasn't high, but still this hasn't happened. Now I'm stuck with no money to pay off the card and the interest is 49% 😡

To the poster who said something has to give - I completely agree. I feel we need to act QUICKLY. Every time I try and talk about it he moans and moans and moans about it but nothing moves on, nothing changes. I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall.

I'm starting to resent him for letting it get so bad. I'm irritated that tonight yet again he's gone back to work and has had to take the £5 cash I had (sold some kids books on Facebook) and has to use it for petrol because he dropped someone to the station after work today (his second job) and now doesn't have enough petrol to get him back to his proper work tonight. He's feeling shitty and I'm worried he's slipping into a depression so I'm treading on egg shells trying not to tip him over the edge but really I want to push him over it.

I recently decided to move house. (We rent). He was away and I saw a house for £250 a month less than what we were paying. I borrowed the deposit from family and we moved. He was over the moon at the time and said that kind of saving would make a massive difference but it's not seeming too.

I don't know - as I said, I'm just really frustrated

Something does not make sense here

he's in the military
are you not in married quarters?
established rank - so he earns > £35k
(if you know his rank and regiment his exact pay is a matter of public record)
£10k for a car WTF
why does he need a car when he has access to forces vehicles

you need to see ALL his bank statements and payslips NOW
as there is a strong whiff of bullshit in what is going on

Did he not pay back the 10k car loan? Where is the car now, could you sell it? Where is £250 pm now going? Can you run credit checks to find out where the debt has accrued and if any is on your name too?

Hi OP, have you posted before about this as your situation sounds familiar?

As Talk asks, why aren't you living in military-provided accommodation as it is far cheaper than private sector rentals? And yes, his salary is indeed a matter of public record. Just google it - rates of pay for U.K. armed forces personnel - and it will be there in front of you.

Welfare Officers in units are very experienced in dealing with this sort of issue. I assume you know where he works? If you PM me I can provide you with the telephone number of his welfare officer. They will deal with your situation very sensitively and are great sources of support and advice. As is the Army Families Federation - google them. A great team who can provide all sorts of advice to you on debt issues and they will not inform your husband that you have been in touch.

But something about your DH doesn't add up. I am sorry to ask, but are you quite sure that he is not seeing someone else? Leaving at short notice over a weekend is pretty unusual unless it's a specific type of work - occasionally yes, but it's not common.

When he deploys he will get separation pay and, depending where he is serving, he may get the Operational Allowance which is a £6,000 + extra payment for service in certain theatres such as Afghanistan.

But I'm very much afraid that your husband is a liar who will see his wife and children without money while stonewalling you at every turn. This is not a good man whereas you sound great. I am so sorry

And I'm afraid that he is hinting that he may be 'depressed' to close down your legitimate questioning. I have every sympathy for those who suffer with MH issues and have done so myself, but this smacks of ensuring you always feel you are walking on eggshells around him. It's a very effective technique to shut you up 😡