splitting up joint mortgage 2 children unmarried

[Naomitrus1987]

hi there.

hoping someone can help.

it seems apparent I'm probably splitting up with my fiancé (of 5 years) having been together 10.

we have a home together (joint mortgage) and 2 children, aged 6 and 3.

he is the one choosing to end our relationship (due to an affair with a close friend I may add, as we both worked 50 hour weeks in high pressured jobs, leading me to get PND and withdraw a little, meaning he felt he had to confide in a close friend who I took into our home when she was going through issues :( )

additionally, I also currently have no job, as I was managed out of my job in September, having worked for the company for 10 years, I;m currently unable to figure out what type of job I can now get due to not knowing if he is staying or going. if he stays we can get any job and work the hours out, if he goes im restricted to child hours, with school etc..

he currently transfers me 700 each month with pays for the mortgage and 1 other bill.

what would he need to pay if he left?

obviously I cannot afford the mortgage on my own, and would need assurance we can live here until the youngest is 18.

thanks,

Myoldfriend

so effectively it gives me 3 years to put myself into a position of being financially secure and independent from him

If he’s saying he’s 50/50, then really
OW = You + DC1 + DC2

I’d nearly be tempted to give him an ultimatum at this stage. He leaves immediately or he stays with you but you get married ASAP.

As much as I’d hate to be further tied to the bollocks, it will give you more legal protection next time he does this.

Though, if you do give him those options, I imagine he’ll go with her and tell everyone you ended it.

I cannot comprehend how he can be 50/50 as it implies she has as much pull on him as his 2 young children, unbelievable in my eyes.

He’s deciding between the adults, not the children. Choosing to stay with you because of the children could easily be the wrong decision (seen it many times with friends)

WontonSoupForTheSoul

OW??

As much as I’d hate to be further tied to the bollocks, it will give you more legal protection next time he does this.

It really wouldn’t.

When you are ready you can speak with a mortgage broker. Some companies accept maintenance and tax credits as part of your income. In three years, you might be back on good earnings anyway.

My situation ... similar to yours in background ... also 3 years on mortgage .... but six months down the line from you. I am just playing for time. I might have to sell and downsize in three years but at least my head will be in a better place

@naomitrus1987 would you be open to counselling? It may help with PND and all of this other stuff going on at the moment.

I think I need it yes!

@naomitruss1987 depending on the EAP (employee assistance provider) of your partner’s workplace you may be eligible to use the service for telephone counselling. We do it at my place and where I could get face to face counselling, my partner could only get telephone. However, it’s quicker than the GP waiting list and you could at least start your journey if you’re waiting for a face to face appointment.

It might also be useful to see your GP for anti-depressants, a very low dose, short course - 6 months?

I do hope it all works out for you.

daphine2004

I was given a script for anti depressants 3 days after I found out about the affair as I had just settled my work issue, found out about this affair and her miscarrying it was too much to deal with.

We were happy, lovely house, drove nice cars, high paying jobs, I didn't think anything like this would happen.

Not.to mention early November both our cars were stolen from the drive way, which has been an added stress.

For some reason I've got the pills but am scared to take them.

He's still living here and comes home every night as I made him promise he'd be here every night and morning - both for the children and my mental health- I don't think I could cope knowing my partner of 10 years is out sleeping with her.

He's just said today he'll make his decision soon, and I go through waves of being extremely angry thinking why am I defending myself and in essence marketing my family to him? There are loads of people who'd die to have what we have, why would you walk away from it?

He claims it was because I pulled away and stopped putting effort into us. To an extent I did, but when you both work 48 hours , me with 3 hours commute each day, seeing each other maybe for 15 minutes in the morning or at night, 2 children who don't sleep so I function on 4 hours a night, a very stressful job and PND; is it any wonder the relationship was strained?

Argh sorry for the vent!

I'm sorry you are In this situation . But to be honest if he wanted you and the children he would of knocked her on the head the moment you found out about ow. He is playing for time.

I was in your situation 18 months ago. Ex left and kept coming back over six months. I hoped he would finally see the light. But he left for good this time last year. Moved into place with other woman (ow). Sees the kid every other weekend when he can be bothered to come or not over sleep.

I got legal advice. He is entitled to 50% of the equity in the house. Ex promised me his pension. But that did not materialise. And we settled on £600. He paid for few months then stopped in the summer. I went to cms. 2 children = 16% of his income.

He could promise you the earth. And the £700 now. But in six month time when he has his own bills and poss another baby on the way it will stop.

Make the break now. Sell the house. Put in a claim for benefits. Look for work. And child care. Universal credits will cover 85% of your child care costs. Show him you are strong and independent of him.

I know it feels impossible right now. But he has lied to you and cheated. You deserve better. He isn't the man you want him to be. And he doesn't have your back.

Take control. I wish I had. It cost me emotionally and financially. My ex used that excuse too. It stopped being fun. Yes it did. I had four years on four hours sleep a night. Nothing was fun. And he didn't pull his weight. Long term relationships and small children are hard work. And my ex didn't want to put the effort in.

It wasn't what I wanted. I'm fortunate. The house was mine before he came along. And the children are with me 90% of the time. But it has been the saddest thing I have had to deal with. I can't give my ex the time of day I'm so angry of how he has treated the children and I. I hope it was worth it for him.

As for the meds. Take them. Start with half a tablet if you are worried. But they will help settle you emotionally. Gather good people around you. And get legal advice.

eve34

I'm sorry you had an awful situation too it sounds extremely similar to mine!

I go through phases of wanting him to go, and phases of wanting him to stay.
I'm planning on arranging legal advice this week and getting a CAB appointment asap.

I'm going to try and get an agreement drawn up for the 700 he's promised, if only until the mortgage deal is up in 3 years.

that gives me 3 years breathing space and time to get myself together financially I suppose.

its just a bugger as my youngest isn't in school yet and I cant move him to the schools nursery as they operate school hours so job wise its a no go.

so ive got one at school near the house starting at 8.40 and one in nursery 4 miles away in the city starting at 8. he'll need to accommodate early finishes too to look after the children a few evenings a week so I can be more flexible when it comes to finding a job.

heart on heart I know he;s buying time, I genuinely think he's waiting for me to get a job so it 'softens the blow'

I think a big part of me is scared for him to go as ive woken up to someone for 10 years, and scared to start again at 31 with 2 young children. didn't have a massively active social life before this, and now restricted in ability to go out.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Just keep going Day by day

As for child care I would look for a child
Minder. For both kids. Much more flexible and not as expensive as nursery. Mine is amazing.

As Mn would say. Get your ducks in a row.

Think long term. My ex thought he would pay half the mortgage and we would sell the house once youngest is 18. I pointed out. As of now I owe you £15k. And I am paying a £12k joint loan off by myself. If I wait another 12 years. I will be nearly 60. And won't be getting any sort of mortgage in my own Right. So it wasn't a difficult decision what to do.

Our mortgage has another 14 months to run. I don't know if I will be able to get it just in my name. But if I can I will. I don't want to be tied to him. He is a car crash financially.

Also be very clear what commitment he needs to make to the children. Again I know it is something you don't want to even think of. Told ex from start he will have kids every other weekend once he had place of his own. It has all fallen apart as he was too quick to expect the children to slot into 'new family' life with him and ow. Both kids have struggled. But think mine are older than yours 6/12?

Get yourself armed with. All the Information. Spell it out to him. This is what it will cost. And this is when u will see the children. he wants this so give him the facts. How it is going to look moving forward

@eve34

Mine are 3 and 6 so younger I think yes.

My son only has 8 months until he starts school and then I can put them in breakfast club at 7.45 and either after school club or a child minder after school until I'm home so it'll be easier then, it's the messy bit from now till then.
I have a fair few financial commitments so need the maximum from him financially, and the 700 is more than I'd get through child maintenance.

I'm tempted to ask for the 700 as his half of the mortgage plus the child maintenance fees and get him to sign that.

He can have the kids these days in the week and this day at the weekend.

I also want him to realise that as this other woman was a close friend and someone the children adore I don't want her near them. It's too confusing for them after me and him were together 10 years suddenly having a life with my ex best friend? Nope.

I hope in 3 years time when our fixed rate ends I can apply for a new fixed rate on my own income (maybe a new partner - not counting on it tho) but I don't really know the process from joint to sole mortgage, as it wasn't ever something I thought I'd need to consider.

Its the most painful scenario imaginable for OW to be your BF. The double betrayal is really harsh and it's even worse that you have so much practical and financial shit to sort out too.

This happened to my Bestie. She wanted her dd to have nothing to do with OW but the ex moved in with and married her and the dd pretty much had to accept her new step mother. It's hideous for my friend. The good news is that my friend remarried someone far nicer and is much happier.

@Naomitrus1987

How are you today? It is early days for you. I hope that you have good friends around you.

It will work out ok. Because there isn't any other option. I hope you get the agreement you hope for. Just be sure you have a plan b. Just in case.

I hope that he will also take on board your concerns about the children being around other woman. My ex gave it no consideration. He moved out. And ow was at contact from day one. 'As a friend'. 🙄 My eldest is 12. And not stupid. And they moved in together 12 weeks later.

It is the hardest thing I have ever had to get through. But I know as time goes on it is more bearable.

@eve34

I'm going to phases.

It's harder as he's still here, undecided. What I'm hoping for is to gain enough strength so I'm able to tell him to leave first. Children went back to school and nursery today so it was very quiet.

Took my laptop to John Lewis cafe and job hunted there as I cannot be in the house by myself all day. It's too quiet plus I'll eat rubbish!

I miss him when he's not at home but when he is it's changed. He sits on the sofa either on social media or checking work emails, practically ignoring the children. He doesn't help with any cooking, cleaning or general day to dayhouse stiff anymore. He doesn't try and cuddle or show affection. His excuse at the moment is he's tired from 50 hour weeks.

I want someone to come home and want to see me, ask how my day was and cook together, plus someone who physically wants me, and it's becoming increasingly obvious it's not him.

But then also when I see him I lose all power to tell him to leave, I build myself up to it But it disappears.

I need him to agree to set days off for the kids And days he'll finish early. Also to use his holiday during the kids holidays as I cannot manage all the summer and winter holidays on 30 days holiday myself.

He's putting our daughter to bed at the moment but , oh I don't know.

I just don't want to settle for him just because he might choose to stay.
Wouldn't it be better to go through pain now and eventually find someone who can fully commit to us?

I remember it well. I just wanted the man who use to adore me and being with me. He slowly checked out. And was doing his utmost to upset me subtly he would forget to make the bed. Or take his dishes out. Leave the house without saying good bye.

Reflecting back. He wanted me to have a big argument with him and he could storm out. But I was desperate for us to work things out. So just kept quiet.

It might be worth starting a letter. Or notes that you could form into an agreement. If you want him to go. Does he have somewhere to go to? Could you go away for the weekend and ask him to pack his things and go whilst you are not there.

Maybe some space would be good for both of you and reflect on things. I know ex didn't think it would turn out like it has for us. He really thought we could be friends. And still doesn't understand why I'm so angry. He always was deluded though.

I know deep down if ex had stayed it would of been miserable for all of us. And only a matter of time before it would happen all again. And we deserved to be loved completely. I live In hope of that anyway.

Have you looked into some counselling? I found a local charity that was only £10 a hour. It was my safe place to talk things out. It did help to sort things in my head.

Hope the job hunting goes well. And things start to fall into place for you. Just keep going Day by day.

@eve34

I feel that he wants me to do it too. The argument.

But also when he is here he in a sense is his normal.self, joking with me, does kiss me etc..

I'm going to tell him I need him to pay his 400 in child maintenance, plus another 400- his share of the mortgage and other costs, set days he has the kids and then If I need anything else off him such as urgent child care or money I'll let him know.

He'd stay at his mum's he claims but I know full well he'll say that but spend 99% of his nights with her. Shame on him for not wanting to see his kids grow up properly and someone else being called dad along the line.

I have a few good friends and some not so close but available if needed, times like this show who they are!