splitting up joint mortgage 2 children unmarried

[Naomitrus1987]

hi there.

hoping someone can help.

it seems apparent I'm probably splitting up with my fiancé (of 5 years) having been together 10.

we have a home together (joint mortgage) and 2 children, aged 6 and 3.

he is the one choosing to end our relationship (due to an affair with a close friend I may add, as we both worked 50 hour weeks in high pressured jobs, leading me to get PND and withdraw a little, meaning he felt he had to confide in a close friend who I took into our home when she was going through issues :( )

additionally, I also currently have no job, as I was managed out of my job in September, having worked for the company for 10 years, I;m currently unable to figure out what type of job I can now get due to not knowing if he is staying or going. if he stays we can get any job and work the hours out, if he goes im restricted to child hours, with school etc..

he currently transfers me 700 each month with pays for the mortgage and 1 other bill.

what would he need to pay if he left?

obviously I cannot afford the mortgage on my own, and would need assurance we can live here until the youngest is 18.

thanks,

Looking at it from his point of view, he would be mad to commit to a mortgage for the next 25 years or until the children are 18. Your children are still small. That might be a sensible arrangement if he was a high earner and your children were in the middle of GCSEs or something.

He is likely to want to move on in the future with a new partner and want to buy a property.

Also life does not always pan out as expected. I was divorced and made redundant in the same year. A court ordered the sale of my home as ex wanted his share out of it and I couldn’t buy him out.

@naomitrus1987 morning, sorry that you’re having a shit time. Just a few things really, you mention that he hadn’t decided what he wants to do, but not what you want. Do you want to save your relationship or would you continue trying due to the security it brings? You suggested that he is still with your good friend and she is desperate for a baby, this may suggest that it wasn’t just a fling. You need to decide if you want to be with him.

Re childcare, your kids are nursery and school age. Does the school offer wrap around? It’s quite usual to use before and after school clubs, along with holiday clubs. That would allow you more flexibility re jobs and it’s a shared cost - it’s not just up to you to pay for things associated with the kids.

You mentioned he is paying £700 a month on mortgage. If you both decide he is going, I think it would be prudent to work along the lines that you won’t get that much or any as he will also need to find somewhere to live. Could he afford two homes?

As a PP has said you don’t have the same level of protection as a married couple - I’m unmarried too, so that’s not me saying you should have been! You’re best to see a solicitor and see what the advice is to protect you.

If selling the house is on the cards, it may be best to be pragmatic given the unknowns of this year and hold onto it for a few years. This may mean you shouldering the cost of mortgage, but have this acknowledgment in any agreement with your solicitor that your share is increasing - if they can do this, I’m not sure.

Good luck with everything.

So sorry this has happened. It sounds very painful especially was OW was a friend. PND is awful and he should have supported you, not found someone else when the chips were down.

If things are still up in the air re: the split, I would find a job ASAP that splits childcare so he does 50% of drops offs/pick ups and frees you up to get a better paid job. Tie him into it from the start.

Could your 3 year old start pre-school near your 6 year old and find a after school childminder locally instead? Get him to pay his share of after school costs.

It's a crap start to the new year

There's nothing to prevent him entering into a legal agreement to pay the mortgage, but you have no way of making him do so and he'd be an idiot if he did. Particularly if he did so without expecting a larger share in the value of the house. You're not in a position to insist on staying in the house until the youngest is 18 either, even for married couples that's not as common as it used to be. Sorry if this isn't what you hoped to hear.

With all that in mind, I do think you need to prioritise your own earning potential. Otherwise you're relying on the goodwill of someone who, as you say yourself, is likely to have a new partner breathing down his neck about it soon enough.

@daphine2004

no not a fling.

we worked 48 hour weeks opposite shifts. my job involved 3 hours travelling a day and was horrible, i came home every day needing to vent about it to him, and suffering from PND, horrible work and feeling exhausted me and him suffered, but this girl was a close work friend who spent a lot of time in our house with us and our kids.
unfortunately she did become pregnant with him but lost it at 12 weeks.

he's never really thought of any life detail, i'm the one who has applied for both mortgages, arranged flexible working, finances, the house, kids etc.. he just kinda drifts along.
he's said he's not thought about the details of leaving, and would move back in with his mum who is only 10 minutes away, but when you're faced with the prospect of your partner of 10 years going, of course my priority now is the children and money.

stupidly i still want him to stay, but I've known about him cheating for 3 months now and he's not decided who he wants, why i can't kick him out is beyond me.

i told him this morning i'd sell the house if he leaves he seemed shocked when i said i didn't trust how long he'd pay the 700.

the school my daughter attends (and hopefully my son if he gets in) does offer breakfast club and after school so potentially i can get longer hours at a job, but again it's another expense.
700 is more than i'd get via child maintenance, 400 i think is what i'd get.

I know i need to obtain legal advice really.

he has admitted he is torn as to what and who he wants, but i need to be ready for anything i suppose.

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick

as bad as it sounds i genuinely think he would sign it, if it meant the kids are looked after.

When you say he'd sign a commitment to pay the mortgage for another however many years, what do you envisage this doing to his share? What are your shares now, 50/50?

@Shitmewithyourrhythmstick

i'd imagine 50/50 yes.

I don't know to be honest, this is all very new and fresh so no details have been thought out yet.

I presume the woman is no longer staying at your house? What a horrible situation. It sounds like you dont want him to leave but have had a wake up call and would do things differently now. Shame you cant have a second chance.

If you are unmarried I believe legally he only has to pay child maintenance. I cannot see him continuing to pay for a house that he doesn't live in long term, so you may need to sell. You could get in a lodger if you have space. Look on CAB website or www.gov.uk for difference between married and unmarried.

would need assurance we can live here until the youngest is 18.

There is never a guarantee like this. You are very hopeful but legally if you are not married there is no way you'd get this kind of guarantee. And if he and the OW have more children , his priorities will change . See a lawyer now.

@naomitrus1987 I understand that your priority is the kids and money, but you really should not forget about yourself. This is someone you’ve spent a decade with and now they can’t decide what the hell they want. I truthfully feel that you deserve better than that and from what you’ve written it doesn’t appear that you actually need him for life admin. I appreciate that you may still love him too.

You are employable and I wonder if you taken some time and not rushing into things either way might be helpful.

I can only imagine that this will take some time to get over, even if you stay with him. You’ve got to rebuild that trust again.

When I was younger my dad was always coming and going and mum always took him back. She was never happy but she didn’t have your ability to work, she thought. She had three kids, the eldest at 13 (me) and that’s a long time not to work. It did a lot to her confidence and self esteem. The last time my dad came back I actually told him not to, as I knew he was going to go again and it was horrible. He did!

You have got to do what’s right for you and there’s absolutely no harm getting advice on the situation and taking time for you to decide what your next steps are.

While he is still attached to you emotionally, try and tie him down to some kind of commitment

We are 'nesting' so both pay on mortgage and bills, share childcare 50/50 (theory. Reality = I am there most of the time), we both pay maintenance into shared acc based on earnings (you could contribute your single person universal credits claim). It's a three year plan while we both get back.on our feet and gives me breathing space

Have you checked your benefit entitlement as a single person? You can claim while living.under same roof.if you have split.up

If you can get him to sign a binding agreement to pay the £700 a month to ensure his children have a home I would do that ASAP. Make sure it is agreed that any child maintenance is on top of that. It is more than he has to do - although he will get 50% of the property eventually he will be paying mortgage interest on a house he can’t live in and will have to pay rent for somewhere else. I certainly think he should pay half the house (assuming it’s needed as a home as a home for the children) but legally he is not obliged to (unless you can get him to sign an agreement to do so). I suppose you should be aware that interest rates will likely go up as they are at historically low levels at the moment. Particularly if he has other children and even if he doesn’t, he may not be able to afford to pay the mortgage indefinitely. Accordingly I would look at that as a short term option until you can get on your feet.

Also .

daphine2004
thanks for your kind words.

We're both general managers for a well known branded restaurant chain, and had a household income of £70,000.

When I lost my job in September, in which I was used as a scapegoat for a failing site (inherited issues) it took its toll on me mentally as in 10 years I've never had an problems and always well respected.

I got a good payout from them so we agreed for me to return to work in January. Obviously I didn't intend of this new situation happening.
I've used my payout money to pay bills and put some into savings but I want to return to work with savings still there.

After i found out I told him to decide who he wanted, and he ended it with her, only for me to find out 2 weeks later he hadn't completely meant it. She was going through the miscarriage so used it as leverage to see him outside work. I then found out it had been happening for 10 months instead of 4 as originally told to me.

Since then he admitted he wanted to be with her, but not lose his children. When i firmly told him he could not live here but be in a relationship with her, everything kind of stopped. Our son became very ill again so him making a decision was put on hold.
Then I said let's get through Christmas etc..
Christmas has now come and gone, and he's still not decided, saying he's 50/50.

I cannot comprehend how he can be 50/50 as it implies she has as much pull on him as his 2 young children, unbelievable in my eyes.

So i'm not 100% sure why I still want him, maybe it's a fear of being on my own after waking up to someone for over 10 years, I don't know.
Maybe the idea of having to dramatically change our lifestyle as the household income will dramatically drop from £70k. Money isn't everything no, but I need to ensure I now have a mon-friday job, whereas before we shared working weekends whilst the other was off.

Coupled with suffering from PND, being managed out of my job, not a great start to 2019!

zsazsajuju

I will get advice but I was possibly thinking of getting the agreement with the notion of the money stops when I'm in a position to buy him out or a few years, we still have 3 years left on our mortgage deal thankfully.

ISdads

this sounds like an idea, relatable as we have the 3 years left on our mortgage deal.

3 years would get me on my feet in terms of kids being older and me being able to find a new career (and hopefully??? a new partner)

how is it working for you?

Okay, the good news is that there is healthy income and your CV means you are really employable. Although maybe not in the same role. Do you live in a place with good employment opportunities?

If he's undecided and if you really can forgive him then would counselling help? Even if it just means you separate "well".

If your youngest is 3 that's 15 years of financial commitment from him, which is very hard to rely on. Circumstances change massively in that time. And there's no guarantee your kids will be financially independent the day they turn 18.

You cannot continue with this uncertainty. It's not fair in you, and it most certainly is not fair in your children. He needs to leave now. The house needs to be sold and equity shared. You may have to rent for a while particularly as you have no job! You need to get a job now, and sort out childcare that works. Otherwise you're not not going to get a mortgage anyway! If he did pay for the house up until the children were 18, you're vphave no equity to buy yourself somewhere else.

also...

this is going to sound very financially naive.

our fixed rate mortgage ends in 3 years, if i want to remortgage onto a new deal i assume i have to go through the mortgage application process again? how will that happen with a dramatically reduced income compared to the application 2 years ago?

I've known about him cheating for 3 months now and he's not decided who he wants, why i can't kick him out is beyond me

Please tell me you’re not still sleeping with him.

Well you would have to show that you could afford the payments.

Soontobe60 thanks for the frank words.

i think I know deep down he wants to leave, but he doesn't have the balls to say it or actually follow through with it.

I think he's genuinely playing it out so i'm the one who pushes him out.

WontonSoupForTheSoul

nope