DP won’t share money

[Noisyzo]

I’m a little lost as what to do.
Dp and I have our ds who is 3 together and he has 2 other kids 8 and 12 who stay every other weekend and 1 night in the week.
We just seem to be argueing about money (amongst other things) a lot recently.
He works full time and has a good paying job (just under 50k) and I work 4 days a week in a admin job and earn 14400(18000 pro rata) a year both amounts before tax and pensions etc.
Since I went on maternity we adopted a routine where he would pay all the bills (mortgage, coax etc)and I would pay for all the food and household items( ds and my clothes) plus running of my car. When I started working (ds was 9 months) we would both got the full £242 childcare vouchers but I would top up the amount with cash from my wages (between £50 and £80.
I have just gotten myself in a pickle and in my overdraft as I just don’t have enough to cover everything.
Up untill 2 months ago I was left with about £500 to pay for household items, food, petrol and clothes going out, gym. This has now ncrease by £200ish as I don’t pay for childcare and dp pays the extra in vouchers.
The problem I have is that dp has a lot more disposable income but does not save any of it! After mortgage, child maintenance, bill he has just over £900 free
He spends it all every month. He will pay for days out and for bits and bobs but some months I have found that he will spend £200 on lego and not think it is a problem (we have thousands £ of it in the loft of Lego)
Whenever I have extra money I spend it on all 5 of us so him always spending on himself I think is selfish.
When I brought up the subject recently of him saving money I even said I would try and save money the extra I was getting too and he agreed to put £200 in for savings a month. This lasted a month as the following month he said he was broke and asked for the money back and so far this month he has not put any money in saving (he got paid on the 22nd)
He can be generous and when he has had money in the past has paid of my overdraft and given me money here and there but it’s always on his terms and when he wants too or I have to ask.
Now my issue is that he did say he would pay more towards the household items but now has turned around and said why should he pay more to subsidise me! And my spending and why don’t I try and contribute more by getting a better paid job?
Am I being u reasonable by saying no? I love my job , been there 18months and the people are lovely. My boss is also very family focused so I can swap days around and have time off if I need to and when my ds starts school in September I can change my 4 days to 5 shorter days so can pick him up etc
He seems to think I would have this felxibillity at any job?

I’ve read al lot of the other threads on here about couples sharing money which sounds lovely but he would never go for it.

Just wondering if there are people in my position and what do people do?
When he talks to me he just makes me feel like I am being money grabbing and using him?
I just don’t want to feel like I’m buying my my boys clothes from the sale rail and primark and he’s spending all his money on lego and only wears diesel, Lacoste clothes!

Sorry for the long post but it was quite therapeutic to write it all out

this isnt a partnership OP at all

For us , all of our money goes in one pot , bills are paid then money is put by for shopping and days out over the month and clothing for our kids. What's left is divided between myself and my husband.

If he isn't prepared to do this then I think you unfortunately have bigger problems than money.

Expecting a father to save some money when he has £900 spare at the end of the month is not unreasonable.

Telling you to get a better job is a stupid ploy to distract you (and himself) from the fact that he can't manage his money.

What happens when it comes to holidays? How do you go on holiday without saving up? New [second hand or not] cars etc? Looking at upgrading the house etc etc? I mean, fair enough, it's his money and he can spend it how he likes, but not saving anything when he has this much excess is just stupid and childish.

He sounds immature and difficult to have a conversation with, but it's possible you might have phrased things badly initially, which made him feel defensive. Can't tell without being there.

I'd say that it might be worth having another conversation a bit later where you sit down and have a serious discussion about what your future plans look like together. What are the plans for the kids and so on, and where do you want to go, what do you want to do etc etc. Talk about how saving for a rainy day (even £50 a month or something) can go a long way quite quickly. Make sure to phrase everything in a way that can't be seen as a personal attack on him.

If he's still uninterested in your point of view, then there's not much else you can do to force him. Your decision about whether you want to remain with someone this incapable of behaving like a financially responsible adult.

He is a selfish man child isn’t he. Next time you have dinner don’t feed him, only buy what you and the kids need. What happens if you both loose your job, become unable to work from illness, or you have an emergency repair, there is no rainy day saving. You need to put a finance sheet together with all the monthly costs on, use receipts and bills, don’t estimate. There’s a load on line you can download so you don’t miss anything (TV licence for example). Identify your essential / non essential items. Cancel anything you don’t need including the Gym membership so you can manage money better.

Then show him it in black and white, at the moment it’s all talk and stuff gets paid, but it’s not being managed is it. If he still won’t contribute, I wouldn’t have a joint account, I’d start stashing what I could in a separate account ready for when you and the kids leave him, unless he grows up and supports his family.

You can’t rely on flexible or better paid jobs, companies get bought and sold, conditions change, good managers retire and the informal arrangement you had in place may no longer be viable. Having more disposable income should you change jobs won’t address the problem.

My dp is also an adult collector of Lego. He doesn't spend much on it these days as we have 2 dc. I am a sahm and he gives me money whenever I ask for it. I don't work he understands how tiring it is looking after dc. Bit bemused as to why your dp keeps it in the loft? If he spends that much surely he wants to build with it.

Thanks for the replies. I have asked him for a chat about it tonight when ds is asleep.
I'm going to asked him to joint the money and then pay for bills and saving and spends for each other and see what he says.

@Quartz2208 this is what I'm thinking. He always says we are a team but it feel like on his term!
@Sethis we will see how this chat goes!

@Bananalanacake all lego sets get built go in the loft built and sets get brought out 1 at a time to be played with as there can be no cross contamination of sets. Even the kids ones they get for xmas and bday! I have had to put my foot down and said anything the buys get for xmas this year stays in their room!

Are you married and is your name on the mortgage? What was the financial arrangement pre mat leave?

Have you always had separate finances? My (now) husband and I pooled income when we set up home as it gets rid of the discrepancy in spending power.

Would this be a possibility for you? Does he recognise that it’s unequal?

Is the mortgage in both names?

IMO if you live together and are a partnership then all money should go into the pot, bills etc go out, some into savings and whatever is left you split 50/50.

As others have said, pull a spread sheet together detailing outgoings & incomings, include everything such as clothes for you and dc and do, take away, Insurance’s and even food at work. Then suggest you both pool the money.

If you are struggling for money then you need to start putting your food down re going out, food shopping etc and start telling him you can’t afford luxuries such as take away, holiday etc.

@LASH38 we aren't married and I'm not on the mortgage - I moved in with him. Last time we renewed the mortgage I was just going on mat leave and didn't have a permanent job so we didn't think it was a viable option. I have put about 18 grand into the house as when I got some inheritance I paid for new kitchen/diner and furniture for the house.
Pre kid I paid towards the bills to him 500 and we put house keeping money in a joint account 50:50 even though we had his kids and I bought them clothes from the housekeeping account!!

Holidays are a pipe dream! We have done friends caravan and I have paid for last 3/4 trips abroad to see my family and one 'holiday' from money my parents have given me.

I just feel like he is taking liberties but he just won't see it this way and he thinks he deserves more of the money as he is the one that has earned it!
How can you change people perception of this is their mindset?

This on top of disagreeing about disciplining ds (I'm to soft and he's too harsh) I just feel like I need to start looking at other options...but that's a whole different thread!

Wise up and get yourself on the mortgage for a start. Take no nonsense on that front. You're being a total mug here.

Did you get any legal agreement drawn up with th £18000

Maybe he needs to see how unfair it is. I'd stop doing his favourite foods and give him smart price everything, food toiletries etc.

Who's decision was it to work part time? I think that has a huge bearing.

As you're not married and there are children from a previous relationship , it's not unusual to have separate finances. The amount he has left over he's very clearly paying far more of the bills and anything left over presumably he can use to buy things for his other two children.

If your put the £18000 into the mortgage deposit or paid a chunk off you should have been advised to get a deed of trust. If you've paid for house improvements on a house you don't own then you have been very silly as are unlikely to get any of it back in the event of a split.

You need to be on the mortgage or at a minimum have your investment protected.

If he won't put you on the mortgage then you need to divide money more fairly. Don't count his mortgage payments in calculations.

You are in a very vulnerable situation.

This really wouldn't work for me op. I get that not all households want the arrangement I have (family money. Doesn't matter where it comes from, it's ours equally. No separate finances) but I would need a lot more of a partnership than you have.
I'd need the money I invested in the house to be protected as an absolute minimum but I would really need more than that to want to stay in this relationship. I could not abide the inequality of your current set up.

Holidays are a pipe dream!

Because of his spending habits.

Point out that by buying one or two less lego sets every month, this time next year you could be sat on a beach instead of cold wet England, with your children playing in the sand, him sipping a cold one, and you working on your tan. Or whatever your holiday of choice looks like (skiing, safari, asia, et al).

Really the concept of saving up so you can buy bigger and better things than Lego or brand name jeans shouldn't be a difficult concept for an adult male with 3 kids. Honestly.

You need to get onto the mortgage, or legally set up to protect your assets. Then tackle the money issue

"we aren't married and I'm not on the mortgage - I moved in with him. Last time we renewed the mortgage I was just going on mat leave and didn't have a permanent job so we didn't think it was a viable option. I have put about 18 grand into the house as when I got some inheritance I paid for new kitchen/diner and furniture for the house.
Pre kid I paid towards the bills to him 500 and we put house keeping money in a joint account 50:50 even though we had his kids and I bought them clothes from the housekeeping account!!

Holidays are a pipe dream! We have done friends caravan and I have paid for last 3/4 trips abroad to see my family and one 'holiday' from money my parents have given me."

You are a fool.

Sorry but you are.

He earns more than 3 times what you earn and you are giving him money. It should be the other way around.

Why you would spend thousands on HIS house and then have a baby with the selfish bastard I have no idea.

Oh OP please be careful. You could be up shit creek with no paddle for money you pay into the house if you're not on the mortgage.

He doesn't sound like a team player at all. DH and I have 'money' but it's not his or mine it's all joint. In actual fact we earn similarly to each other but when I was a skint student he never made me feel like we couldn't go on holiday because I couldn't afford it, he always paid saying he'd rather we both go than not go even if he had to pay most of it.

You aren't on the mortgage, but are you a joint owner of the property? Were you on. R mortgage before, or did he put you off going on it when you moved in?

Hi everyone,
Thanks for all your replies. This was my first time posting and I have found everyone's replies really helpful.

It gave me the courage to have a chat with dp and explained how I am feeling and that it's not fair. I told him I won't be changing jobs for the foreseeable future due to ds starting school next year but said in a few years time I might if needed.

He has agreed to is sharing money in principle (something he has always been very against) and I am currently doing a spreadsheet with the sums and savings we could do. It's actually looking really good for both of us.

So hopefully come January we could be saving money and putting money aside to cover yearly bills instead of paying them separately and doing a joint account for food etc.
Let's just hope he sticks with it! But atleast I will have tried.
Thanks

I'm sorry, but that's not enough.

You're in an extremely vulnerable position as you're not married. You need to get on the mortgage.

DP and I work full time and there's no way I would do part time hours, and lose earnings, without being married.

@DonnaDarko I'm planning on going on the mortgage in a year when we have to renew. I just didn't think it was easy to do when your mid term or is it?