DP won’t share money

[Noisyzo]

I’m a little lost as what to do.
Dp and I have our ds who is 3 together and he has 2 other kids 8 and 12 who stay every other weekend and 1 night in the week.
We just seem to be argueing about money (amongst other things) a lot recently.
He works full time and has a good paying job (just under 50k) and I work 4 days a week in a admin job and earn 14400(18000 pro rata) a year both amounts before tax and pensions etc.
Since I went on maternity we adopted a routine where he would pay all the bills (mortgage, coax etc)and I would pay for all the food and household items( ds and my clothes) plus running of my car. When I started working (ds was 9 months) we would both got the full £242 childcare vouchers but I would top up the amount with cash from my wages (between £50 and £80.
I have just gotten myself in a pickle and in my overdraft as I just don’t have enough to cover everything.
Up untill 2 months ago I was left with about £500 to pay for household items, food, petrol and clothes going out, gym. This has now ncrease by £200ish as I don’t pay for childcare and dp pays the extra in vouchers.
The problem I have is that dp has a lot more disposable income but does not save any of it! After mortgage, child maintenance, bill he has just over £900 free
He spends it all every month. He will pay for days out and for bits and bobs but some months I have found that he will spend £200 on lego and not think it is a problem (we have thousands £ of it in the loft of Lego)
Whenever I have extra money I spend it on all 5 of us so him always spending on himself I think is selfish.
When I brought up the subject recently of him saving money I even said I would try and save money the extra I was getting too and he agreed to put £200 in for savings a month. This lasted a month as the following month he said he was broke and asked for the money back and so far this month he has not put any money in saving (he got paid on the 22nd)
He can be generous and when he has had money in the past has paid of my overdraft and given me money here and there but it’s always on his terms and when he wants too or I have to ask.
Now my issue is that he did say he would pay more towards the household items but now has turned around and said why should he pay more to subsidise me! And my spending and why don’t I try and contribute more by getting a better paid job?
Am I being u reasonable by saying no? I love my job , been there 18months and the people are lovely. My boss is also very family focused so I can swap days around and have time off if I need to and when my ds starts school in September I can change my 4 days to 5 shorter days so can pick him up etc
He seems to think I would have this felxibillity at any job?

I’ve read al lot of the other threads on here about couples sharing money which sounds lovely but he would never go for it.

Just wondering if there are people in my position and what do people do?
When he talks to me he just makes me feel like I am being money grabbing and using him?
I just don’t want to feel like I’m buying my my boys clothes from the sale rail and primark and he’s spending all his money on lego and only wears diesel, Lacoste clothes!

Sorry for the long post but it was quite therapeutic to write it all out

You have put £18k and are part paying the mortgage on a house you don’t own - are you out of your mind?

You need to sort this now. Not January . You need legal advice .

Get married. It costs less than £100 and is the simplest way to safeguard you financially.

Rule of thumb is you should both have equal disposable income AFTER bills, savings, holiday fund, clothes for the kids, car MOTs, Xmas pot etc.

He is able to earn more because you contribute more to running the family. Add up the value of your labour and I bet your contribute just as much

I really feel for you op, that inheritance could have paid for a deposit on a house to secure you, and your dc future, instead you’ve plowed it into a house and at this moment you’d never get it back (he must be well chuffed). You need to secure your financial future. Ask him today to put you on the mortgage, TELL him it needs to be before Christmas. If he says no, you have your answer. He’s only after a wife, without legally being married and your money.

Currently you are spending 100% of your wages to Live in a house that isn’t yours, if he’s on 50k a month and has £900 left over, then he’s only putting in just over 60% - tell me how that’s fair?

Tbh I bet he won’t want to put you in the mortgage, you’ve already seen his attitude to money and this is about his behest asset

*biggest

The chat sounds really positive OP, great to start, but it’s really only words at the moment.
Yes a spreadsheet is a good place to start, include everything like childcare, food, travel, savings, not just static bills. Before we went to one pot we devided everything on the list by percentage we were bringing in of the total money coming in, at one point it was 75/25, at another it was 50/50 as our incomes fluctuated. Now we just share everything.

Definitely get on the mortgage, but really just get married. You’re in such a precarious position otherwise, he’s really calling all the shots and isn’t treating you like a partner at all.

You don't need to go on the mortgage - that makes you joint liable for the debt. You need to be on the house deeds and decide what kind of "tenants" you should be.

Have you got a paper trail proving you pay towards the mortgage and have funded some of the work on the house?

OP what do you think he would say if you announced you'd been offered a well paid full time job without much flexibility, so he'd have to cut down on his hours and take a step back from his career in order to do the childcare you've been covering up until now?

(Can I also reiterate what everyone else has said about the 18k you've put into HIS house - make sure you've got proof. It seems to my suspicious mind like he's been very clever here in covering the mortgage payments from his own account while you fund the stuff you can't get back.)

Here’s a tip - banks only keep records for 7 years. So get a copy now of the bank statements that show that you paid for 18k of improvements to HIS house. Also letters from the solicitor about your inheritance etc.

This has been talked about loads of times. Because you are not married or civil partnership you have few rights. I agree work full time and pay into a pension for yourself.

If he drops dead tomorrow that house belongs to the children including step children you will have nothing. Get married and/or get on that mortgage

Please change this situation NOW!, not leave it until the new year.
Despite my warnings, my youngest daughter was in the same position as you. They had a child together, bought house whilst she was on maternity so she was persuaded that she couldn't go on the mortgage. They both worked full time for 6 years, him paying the mortgage and her paying the bills, childcare and food. During that time she came into £20k. It all went on home improvements and a family holiday. They split up a year ago, she had to leave as the house was his! She's now living in rented and struggling. He's paid her back a measly £2k and says she won't be getting any more because it was her choice to spend her money on his house. Its taking me all my time not to go and kneecap the bastard! She's spoken to a solicitor who told her she doesn't stand much chance of getting any more money.