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Original poster

Is this normal

37 replies

Bigonesmallone3 · 20/11/2018 17:27

Me and DP have been living together with our 2DC (3rd DC on the way) for a year now..
we got together very young, did live together but it was too much so I got my own place with first child and we lived separately, I worked part-time and was also entitled to HB etc, so I was in charge of all my own finances for 6 years.
Fell pregnant with DC2. DP decided to buy us a house and live properly as a family.
No longer entitled to any benefits, he pays all bills, mortgage etc.
I still have my part time job so I earn about £120pw and he still puts £250 in my account.. with this I pay £150pm on a loan for my car, approx £40pw petrol and all food with very little disposable money.
Dc3 due next year so I will be bringing in significantly less.
DP always gives me money for children when I ask but I have to ask.
I don't think this is a normal way to live but don't want to feel like I'm a money pest.. what do I do?...

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigonesmallone3 · 20/11/2018 17:54

Bump

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 20/11/2018 18:10

How much disposable income does he have?

Original poster
Bigonesmallone3 · 20/11/2018 18:12

I don't know exactly as he's very private about it, he's an architect with a lot of private work, I'm inclined to say around 60k..

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 20/11/2018 18:16

£250 a week or a month?

Have you told him you need more money?

Original poster
Bigonesmallone3 · 20/11/2018 18:18

£250 pm which is what he's always given me for DC1.. yes but he will be like well how much do u need and I get awkward talking about money so we end up goin off topic

OP posts:
TBDO · 20/11/2018 18:20

Doesn’t sound like you’re married - be careful as you’re giving up your earning potential in return for no commitment from him that he will support you.

IMO all household earnings should be pooled. Household and child bills and expenses (inc food) should be taken from that. Any left over should be put into savings / agreed to set aside for big ticket items (holidays / boiler breaking down etc). Then an equal amount of spending money for each of you should be agreed - you can do what you like with it.

Bombardier25966 · 20/11/2018 18:21

Then you need to work out how much you need, and let him know.

What you describe is not abnormal at all, but you're not going to get any more if you don't speak up.

TBDO · 20/11/2018 18:22

Why do you get awkward talking about money? You grew and gave birth to 2 DC and are growing another... you’ve been as intimate as it’s possible to be so don’t feel awkward!

TooTrueToBeGood · 20/11/2018 18:22

You need to talk. You're living as a family and raising kids together. Legally, not being married makes a difference but morally it shouldn't. You should have roughly the same disposable income in my opinion but it's hard to tell how much of an imbalance there is based on what you've told us. I assume you mean he earns about 60k but whilst thst sounds a lot we don't know what he pays on the mortgage and other bills. So talk to him. If he's unwilling to be open about his financial position or has plenty spare but isn't prepared to share then he's not a good choice for a partner. You also need to consider that you're vulnerable if not married but that's a slightly longer term problem.

Original poster
Bigonesmallone3 · 20/11/2018 18:24

It's not that I want more money at all it's not like that I just don't know another relationship like it.
Friends etc it all goes in a pot so it doesn't have to be can u contribute to uniforms etc

OP posts:
ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 20/11/2018 18:24

Yes you need to talk to him. It's a bit strange that you don't know how much he earns.
You say he bought you all a house, so it probably means your name isn't on the house.

He gave you £250 per month when you had one child, you now have 2 and very soon 3 children. That money needs upped. However it's difficult to say what money he should give you when you don't know how much money there is.

You really need to lay it down for him.

TBDO · 20/11/2018 18:45

He’s done a number on you - you’re prepared to put up with not having enough money from the family pot in order to not be seen as ‘grabby’. What you’re asking for, and deserving of, is being an equal partner. If you earned more money than him, I’m sure you wouldn’t be doling out a bit of money here and there to him but treating him like an equal.

I also bet your name is not on the house deeds. You need to think about how you are going to bring up three DC if he ever leaves you.

granadagirl · 20/11/2018 20:05

He’s not telling you how much he earns because then you will know ho much he as left to himself a mth. From what you saying, you basically have nothing for yourself as it only leaves you £105 week for food after loan and petrol for 2 adults and 2 kids.

How do you afford make up, perfume haircut clothes for yourself?

If he earns 60k he must bring home at least £3800 mth
Unless you live in expensive part of the country and have huge mortgage then there may be not much left.

Another thing, the way he says HE bought us a house!
I also bet it’s just in his name( very crafty) you can bring his children up, cook, clean go to work, pay for food to put in his mouth. BUT he gives you £250 for looking after his children. You would get more than that child maintenance on what he earns.

You need to do some snooping, if he won’t openly tell you.
Wage slips, bank accts, p60 and especially mortgage details.
Are you on the mortgage???
Otherwise your stuffed, if he decides he’s had enough. It’s his house, you as DP will get nothing.

Original poster
Bigonesmallone3 · 20/11/2018 20:29

I'm not on the mortgage no, he pays about £800 a month for it, bills are extremely reasonable. I don't have money for me.. I haven't had a hair cut in years (through choice) and he gets me bits and bobs like perfume and makeup.
I don't have access to accounts, stuff like that is paperless these days.. and same for wage slips or whatever..
I do often think what the eff will I do if things go tits up but I would just hope he does the decent thing by his children.. we do have a solid relationship I love him dearly and I know he loves me too just this little bit does niggle at my brain

OP posts:
EdisonLightBulb · 20/11/2018 20:32

This is not ok

puppymouse · 20/11/2018 20:35

God this would terrify me. I remember as I approached mat leave I tackled DH head on about haircuts etc and he just covered any extras.

You need to sit down and work out what you need and then tell him how much to give you. Then you need to tell him how uncomfortable the situation makes you and how you can talk about it and work through it as a couple. I think the lack of communication and awkwardness is the weird bit, not the money situation.

MyBrexitIsIll · 20/11/2018 20:42

This is not ok.
You need to sit down ith him and have a chat abit finances.
Atm you are spending a hell of a lot of money for the benefit of the family, a lot more in % than he does.

It shouldnt be that you end totally skint and he can put money aside because you are paying more proportionally.

There should also not be a situation where you have to ask for money or you constantly feel on the edge and short if money.

Sit down and go through the budget as a family.
Check how much income you have, how much he has and how much it costs to dress, feed etc..l the dcs and how much you spend for the food too.
I think a good starting point is that if you were separated, he wouod be giving you 25% of this salary so already much more than what he gives you

Then take it from there.

granadagirl · 20/11/2018 22:34

Big
Nobody is saying he doesn’t love you and vice versa. We’re just thinking of you and dc,
Before you do , I suggest you work out how much you need for
Food, loan,bits &bobs don’t leave yourself with no money.

You could say something on the lines of
We need to have a chat about finances when I go on maternity leave, as I won’t be getting any money and means things will have to change with how much you put into my acct.
I have no money at the moment for myselfas it is now working with 2 kids.

You both work, you probably much harder than him, kids, running house, school runs, cooking and cleaning plus shopping.
He goes to work! Much easier
Also mentioned, if something was to happen to you, myself and the kids would be out on the streets so I want putting on the mortgage .
If he is a decent guy, he’d do this.

Also you say anything paperless accts etc
but p60 yearly earnings is not online or paperless. So he must have them, as they say do not destroy. They must be in the house
Does he work for a company?

Please have this talk, no matter how hard you find it. For the security of yourself and dc. Don’t sell yourself short. He must have a least 2k a month to himself, so do not feel it’s his money because he works for it
So do you and bloody hard
Your young and probably nieve, no disrespect
We’re looking out for you that’s all

Original poster
Bigonesmallone3 · 20/11/2018 23:17

I'm 27 so some may see if that way, he does work for a company yes.. I have had some helpful advice so I send my thanks for that.. when I leave work for this baby I think that's a good time to sit down and have a proper conversation about it all..
Just didn't want to feel I was being unreasonable..

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 20/11/2018 23:26

What happens when your car needs servicing or new tyres? Or your children need new shoes or uniform? Or the washing machine breaks down? Or you have a vets bill?
These are all examples, but you need to ask yourself who covers them and who pays.

Original poster
Bigonesmallone3 · 21/11/2018 08:04

Big things he pays for..

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MessySurfaces · 21/11/2018 22:21

You say you don't know another relationship like it, but that it is a solid relationship and you both love each other. What is it about the relationship that makes you think one pot wouldn't work?
DP and I are not married, we started out by both putting an equal amount of money into a joint pot and running the household with that money. We now just have a joint pot and have equal spending money. Over the years we have alternated who earns more, and who shoulders more domestic duties. We pay equal amounts into pensions.
In the eyes of the state (ie, for benefits) you are an economic unit. You are both earning money to support your joint household, including your joint kids. It's hard to see how that can work if you do not have joint access to that money.

Original poster
Bigonesmallone3 · 21/11/2018 22:36

@MessySurfaces
I don't know another relationship like it talking to my friends no and we do have a strong relationship.. they don't cancel each other out..
I also never said one pot wouldn't work

OP posts:
MessySurfaces · 21/11/2018 22:41

Yes, sorry! I didn't mean them as contradicting each other either! When you said you didn't know another relationship like it you also said that your friends all had one pot, which is why I assumed.
Writing can come across a bit stern...

Original poster
Bigonesmallone3 · 21/11/2018 22:49

They do.. so simplified.. my question was.. is the way they do it how people do it?? do I need to sit him down and say we r doin this all wrong and it's a bit unfair??

And I think my answer is yes.. I need to be a big girl and speak up.. 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
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