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Is this normal

37 replies

Bigonesmallone3 · 20/11/2018 17:27

Me and DP have been living together with our 2DC (3rd DC on the way) for a year now..
we got together very young, did live together but it was too much so I got my own place with first child and we lived separately, I worked part-time and was also entitled to HB etc, so I was in charge of all my own finances for 6 years.
Fell pregnant with DC2. DP decided to buy us a house and live properly as a family.
No longer entitled to any benefits, he pays all bills, mortgage etc.
I still have my part time job so I earn about £120pw and he still puts £250 in my account.. with this I pay £150pm on a loan for my car, approx £40pw petrol and all food with very little disposable money.
Dc3 due next year so I will be bringing in significantly less.
DP always gives me money for children when I ask but I have to ask.
I don't think this is a normal way to live but don't want to feel like I'm a money pest.. what do I do?...

OP posts:
MessySurfaces · 21/11/2018 22:59

I think everyone takes a while to figure out their balance. And you have had several balances along the way!
It's a question of practicality as well as fairness, if that helps.

AornisHades · 21/11/2018 22:59

Not everyone has one pot of shared money but if you do keep separate finances you need to be able to have open and honest communications.
You also need to get some security. A friend of mine in a similar situation to you was basically chucked out of her partner's house with no money of her own when he met someone else.

Scifi101 · 21/11/2018 23:02

@MyBrexitIsIll cms is not 25% of salary.

Scifi101 · 21/11/2018 23:05

Cms basic rates

Is this normal
Mrskeats · 21/11/2018 23:58

I would be v careful. 3 kids, unmarried and not on the mortgage leaves you so vulnerable.

BarbaraofSevillle · 23/11/2018 12:51

Fairest way would be for all income to go into a joint account that is used to pay joint expenses, so house, bills, food, travel, childrens' expenses, car expenses, insurances, holidays etc etc.

Pretty much everything except personal spending money for adults (personal grooming, clothes, food and drink out that's not couple/family related, gadgets etc). Ideally you want some joint savings and both an equal amount of personal spending money, but it's up to you how this is managed.

Some people are happy spending out of one account, others prefer to separate off personal spending money so it's a budgeted amount and there are no arguments of the 'you spend how much on a handbag, golf lesson, spa day, in Starbucks' variety.

If you're keeping all your bills money and savings in one account, the Santaner 123 account is good because it pays 1.5% on up to £20k and cashback on bills that will offset the £5 a month fee for most people.

Other thing to check is that I don't know if £120 pw is enough to count for your NI contributions, so you should be getting CB in your name and he should be paying it back via his tax return if he does earn £50/60k+ so you get your full state pension.

notangelinajolie · 23/11/2018 12:57

Ask him to marry you.
Joint bank account - you shouldn't be asking for money.

If he refuses either you should walk away before he does.

Bigonesmallone3 · 23/11/2018 13:35

I haven't claimed CB as I was advised by them it's pointless as I would get it and he would pay it back.. 🙄
Why I didn't say.. and.. I don't know

OP posts:
TBDO · 23/11/2018 14:16

Did you stop your CB claim completely or did you register for it (even if you don’t get it paid) so you get the national insurance credits? You will need these if you’re going on maternity leave (or have periods of not working).

You need to think about your long term future - your pension contributions will be smal whilst you’re part time etc. You’re meant to be a team with your DP and DC - I’d recommend getting married as at least you’ll have some security if you should split from him in the future. If he’s not prepared for that (or you’re not), then you need to work out what a proper partnership looks before you realise 20 years down the road that you have no security and no house if anything happens to your DP.

Bigonesmallone3 · 23/11/2018 14:23

Iv always received it until we moved in together so I assume it's still registered..
I know I do, and I don't think he's doin any of this to be an a-hole i just think neither of us have given it a proper thought..

OP posts:
MessySurfaces · 23/11/2018 17:36

We found that a lot of conversations happened naturally and easily as we switched to using YNAB (a budgeting software). We were spending over our means during my second maternity leave which was the catalyst...

Ellisandra · 23/11/2018 18:42

You really do need to check that you’re registered for CB - your older future self will thank you!

You also ought to know how much he is earning. Did he tell you £60K? That’s the minimum at which you’d get no CB at all, so I’m a little cynical and suspicious that he’s said that as it’s the lowest he can get away with saying. An firm employed architect with additional private work could be earning more than that.

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