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Original poster

Should the man pay for most things if you don’t earn a lot?

29 replies

Jollydolly123 · 17/09/2018 19:44

I’ve been dating my partner for a year we don’t live together but we have been dating and consider each other partners. I am a single parent with 2children from previous partner.

I work part time and have very limited funds and don’t have much for social activities due to commitments and having recently purchased a new house which has been decorated.

I never suggest going out as I don’t really have funds to stretch for meals and can’t expect him to pay unless he offers. I feel like he expects me to hold my own next to him and go 50/50 on meals which is why I’ve stopped going places with him. I’m ok living this way until my kids are settled at school but I do see my financial situation changing in the next 12months I’m willing to go full time and further up career ladder etc.

I feel he could pay more often as surely he should no single parents may struggle. Oh I get no financial help from kids pathetic father. ( he doesn’t no this as I feel I don’t need to declare my finances I make subtle hints etc).

I’m starting to look at him a bit different but also understand it’s a new relationship he may not trust me yet help please?!!!!!

OP posts:

Littlechocola · 17/09/2018 19:46

No.

meladeso · 17/09/2018 19:49

Err no. Of course he has no obligation to pay.
If he offers to treat you that's lovely. To expect it is BU.

KMoKMo · 17/09/2018 19:50

I don’t think they should but im sure most partners wouldn’t want to see you struggling/declining nights out simply because of money.
You’ve been together a year - have you not discussed finances?
I think, for example, if he was staying at yours a lot, he may want to treat you more as he’d be using more of your food, water etc but would obviously still have his own place to pay for.
Maybe things are tight for him too?

SpoonBlender · 17/09/2018 19:51

If you're partners you need to pshare your financial situations too. He's not a mind reader, and your reluctance to go out can easily be misinterpreted as disinterest rather than frugality.

And no, he shouldn't "pay for most things" but with it out in the open you can perhaps pay pro-rata according to ability.

sanssherif · 17/09/2018 19:53

Agree op, just because if i were your year long partner, id not be tight, rather id want to pay more because i loved you.

user1499173618 · 17/09/2018 19:56

I think you should come clean. It’s perfectly respectable, and very laudable, to be a single parent financially supporting yourself and two DC. Tell him that you don’t have anything left for luxuries but that you are planning to increase your income when your DC are a little older. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

If he is a nice kind man he will want to treat you! If he dorsn’t treat you, you will know he is a meany!

GrumpyOldMare · 17/09/2018 19:57

No,why should he?

cheesefield · 17/09/2018 20:02

Is it because he's a man that he should pay? If so, absolutely not. I think a lot of women would be offended at the idea than the "man" should pay.

If he doesn't know about your lack of funds/maintenance then you should communicate more with him if you expect him to pay for you.

When DP and I met we always alternated paying.

Xenia · 18/09/2018 08:11

Just explain. In my view he should not pay but he should accommodate to your low income - eg you can have lovely walks in parks, evenings in watching TV etc. You don't have to spend money to date someone.

KlutzyDraconequus · 18/09/2018 08:16

Talk to him about it.
Don't expect him to pay based on the fact he's a man, sexist bullshit
Don't expect him to pay because he earns more, if he wants to, that's different.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/09/2018 08:20

Well if he suggests going out and you can't afford it what do you and he say?

Do you just say yes then expect him to pay / resent hi for not offering?
Do you tell him you can't afford it so he says he's going to see you?
Do you tell him you can't afford it so he says OK let's watch a movie at home and your angry he isn't just paying?

nicebitofquiche · 18/09/2018 08:30

That would piss me off OP. If you're not going out because he knows you can't afford to pay your half and he knows he's got more disposable income than you he just sounds tight.

finn1020 · 18/09/2018 08:32

No, he shouldn’t pay more just because he earns more than you and you have two kids to support. They’re not his kids and not his responsibility, and you don’t live together.

But it is something you need to have an honest conversation about, and you need to be upfront with him what you can and can’t afford in regards to what you do together socially. It may be he’s not given much thought as to what supporting two kids does to your budget, and once he understands he doesn’t mind picking up a greater financial burden. But it shouldn’t be an expectation and it may be that with unequal finances, and kids vs no kids, the relationship is not sustainable. Talk about it.

MistressDeeCee · 18/09/2018 08:45

I earn less than DP and he pays for a lot more than I do. We don't fuss about money in our relationship. It suits us that's what matters, not what anyone else does or may think.

I have 2 DCs

Some men are very calculating in that they won't "treat" a woman, they're forever balancing the books. If he never pays then you're right to stay home when necessary, and not stretch your pocket to accommodate a man's 50/50 when you can't afford it, and he must know you can't.

You have DCs to support, that's the priority. Not him. Let him keep his money. You keep yours.

KlutzyDraconequus · 18/09/2018 08:45

he just sounds tight

Better to be tight than a freeloader.

Flexoset · 18/09/2018 08:57

You say you never suggest going out.

When he suggests going out, you can tell him you can't afford it at the moment and see what he says. Hopefully this will lead to a conversation about your respective financial positions, so that you both have all the info.

If he wants to treat you, that's great, but I don't think it's something you can expect as a right.

In general I agree with Xenia about doing cheap activities.

EK36 · 18/09/2018 09:33

I think he is being a bit tight to be honest. Perhaps just keep telling him when he asks to go out, "sorry I can't afford it" If he doesn't offer to treat you when he has a more dispoable income then he isn't the one.

bananafloat · 18/09/2018 09:34

I was a single mum on a low income when I met my DH and he always paid when we went out for dates or went on holiday together. We never had to make a fuss about finances or explain anything, it was just what made sense for both of us. He has a good salary and could afford it, and it was clear that I couldn't, and it meant we could go out to nice places which I would have struggled to afford, and he wouldn't have wanted to go on his own. We did cheap dates as well of course, but it would have been limiting to only do those, and miss out on more interesting things as well.

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 18/09/2018 09:39

When I was dating someone and in a similar position to you op my bf def paid more than I did for meals out etc. I didn't expect it but was grateful as otherwise would have struggled. He had a lot more disposable income than me and it wasn't an issue for him.

I know a friend also in a similar situation and her partner also pays for meals out and the odd cinema trip etc.

I think your partner is being a bit tight op and although you shouldn't expect him to pay for things it would be nice of him to treat you from time to time.

EK36 · 18/09/2018 09:40

I think it depends on the situation. When I was a student working part time, my boyfriend who worked fulltime understood. I'd pay him what I could afford e.g. twenty pounds then he would pay the rest. When we lived together and I worked full time, we took turns paying. Now we are married and Im a stay at home house wife, he pays for everything. When the chidren grow up, Ill start working again and it will feel nice to start treating him for a change!

AssignedNorthernAtBirth · 19/09/2018 13:42

In your situation, no, but he does have to be willing to tailor time spent together to your budget.

LusaCole · 19/09/2018 13:48

If he's happy doing low cost / free things with you - fine.
If he wants to go for expensive meals etc and offers to pay for you - also fine.
If he goes for expensive meals without you but doesn't make a big deal of it - fine.

The problem arises I think if he wants to do more than you can afford, doesn't offer to pay for you, and makes you feel bad about it.

Racecardriver · 19/09/2018 13:49

Well the few men I dated were mostly of the a gentleman pays mindset but they earned far more than me. I did briefly date one chap who insisted on 50/50 on everything. Even if it was a glass of wine I would have to get the next one (the paying wasn't an issue but the way he did the mental maths mid conversation was) he also shaved his balls. Needless to say that didn't progress. I think it is ring to expect someone else to pay for you but it is also wrong to invite someone out and then not pay for them. In the event that going out is by mutual agreement more than an invitation I think it is reasonable where there is a disparity of income for the higher earner to often Puck up the tab but not always. I would in his position.

GiraffeObsessedBaby · 19/09/2018 14:02

I would say no he shouldn't pay more. But there should be some compromises. Not the same situation. But when I met my now husband I was in a serious mess with jobs just finding a proper career and a lot of debt thanks to the mess my ex left me in. My now dh used to come to my parents house where I was having to live and sit and watch films sat on my bed or have dinner at his flat or whatever I could afford. He did pay for the odd night out but I felt awful and did my best to make it up to him.

On a side note. On one of those nights in watching a film sat on my bed was when I realised I was falling for him. An advert for crumpets came on and we both said "mm crumpets" lol. It may be sad but I just thought this guys got a lovely flat in Manchester 40 minutes away and could afford to be out doing whatever wherever with his mates and he's choosing to drive to my parents house to watch crap ITV films in bed with me because I'm skint.

Anyway. No. He shouldn't be expected to pay but there is a middle ground.

genivert · 20/09/2018 21:17

Why is this linked to gender?
It's not always true that men earn more than their partners.

So I'll assume you meant to talk about relationships where there's a significant difference in income / assets between the two parties.

In which case - if you're a joint family unit (i.e. living together) then this should be one of the fundamental conversations to have before moving in together.

If you're not a family unit, then the higher-earning partner is essentially just dating the head of another household. And that, to me, suggests it's right to consider activities which reflect that (cheaper meals out, walks in parks, whatever)... but not quite right to expect the higher earning to fund the lower earner's living costs.

What the OP is talking about is a boyfriend paying the ordinary day to day costs of a year-long girlfriend that is just weird.

And if you can't bring any of this up with him after a year of dating, and have to "hint", is the relationship as mature and deep as you'd hope in order to pool parts of your finances..?

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