Money vs love

[Crossroads18]

Am I being selfish to my two sons to be fantasising of being on my own so that I can have more money for them. With my partner, his two daughters and the boys we live Day to day counting money. When I was a single parent to my eldest I loved how we had so much spare money every month. If I had a good month at work we could have £400 a month spre. I now hate having to live counting the pennies since my partner moved in. When we first got together we went out lids and did a lot because we lived seperatley and could afford to: my partner is so accustomed to life where he doesn't worry about bills and happily spends spends spends that we do argue if I say no we can't afford something. I am not prepared to claim as a single
Parent with him living here.It's not my fault he has to pay out to see his children and for csa. It was his choice to have them. Our relationship is amazing, he lets me go back to bed when he gets home, he cooks breakfast and dinner in bed, shares night feeds with our son, does joint nursery runs etc and we do have a amazing time together. He does half the housework and we are so alike in the tv we watch our relationship is amazing. But every week he goes up to see his daughters it's a argument as he expects more money than we can afford. And it has been rough going with his daughters. I have made a lot of progress and as much as at times I can resent them for their behaviour and things I have learnt how to deal with it. I hate how my boys are going without so much because we are together and for the stepdaughters to have contact etc. Will it get easier... am I just having a bad few months, or am I right feeling selfish. Asides from him paying out for all he does for his kids, even if he didn’t or they didn’t exist then we would still be struggling financially and would still have nowhere near the lifestyle me and my son had when I was a single parent. I didn't even get much in tax credits so it's not that as I worked full time. It's all the things like water bills. It has doubled since he has moved in because he has two baths a day. Electric has nearly doubled because of how much time he spends with the tv on. My food bill has nearly tripled because of all the coke, crisps and food snacks he 'needs.' He gets through a 2lutre bottle of Coke a day! I am sick of feeling like I am the only One to care about how much bills are so that we have more money for the kids. And the only one willing to make sacrifices as he just always wants money for PlayStation vouchers or crap from the shops. I just want to know if anyone else has ever felt this way and it has gotten better. I am Hoping once my youngest is older and I can do more than 18 hours a week that will help too. But for now I just feel like I am depriving my kids of a lot of things: obviously they have all the necessities. But I never wanted for anything as a child, my parents gave us the world and more and that’s all I want for my kids. I can’t even afford to put both boys into swimming lessons, and I feel awful as my eldest went when he turned 1. Will this pass, will money get easier as they get older. I just feeling so low at the moment. Can love over take money?

Why have you posted here when you already have another thread going?

Is it because you're getting a roasting?

'It was his choice to have them' - and it was your choice to get with him and have more kids!

I won't be giving you any advice as having read the other thread I'm in agreement that you're not very nice, in fact, totally selfish covers it and I'm being polite.

Surely it’s not his bottle of Coke a day that’s make you poorer, but your (joint, but equally your) choice to have a baby with him and cut your hours to just 18?

Sounds like you rushed into having a new baby that you couldn’t afford your previous lifestyle with, before you’d settled in financially as a new family - and now you want to blame that all on him?

First few months we were together we afforded everything and more for all the kids because he was living somewhere else but when I got caught pregnant he moved in, and that's where things just got
Tighter and tighter. He promises to work enough to cover but every week there is some excuse as to his wages not being right.

@feral someone suggested it was the wrong thread so I found this forum and thought it would be better placed. But again just as bad as anyone else on that forum that no one will ever give some a helping hand in life even when they have done everything to them around a relationship with their stepnkids

Do you have a joint bank account or separate money ? Can you work more than 18 hours ? Have you made a list of all the money in and all the out going bills to find out what money is left for extras ?

No joint account, as he isn't trusted enough to have access to any money as he will spend soend spend on gambling or PlayStation vouchers. Atm with the hours he works, childcare costs and the extra days they could give me just don't work at the moment. I am doing all I can at work to try and quickly train up further so I can run my own site which comes with accommodation and a huge wage. I have a spreadsheet and all the bills and we literally have £13 spare each month after paying out everything for him to see the kids, what he 'needs' food wise on the shop. For his daughters birthday a few months ago I had to go without food, I made sure I fed him and the kids for the week so
I could save money for his daughters birthday. If he wasn't so selfish with how much he feels 'entitled to' then we would be able to have more spare

I really think you have to sit down with him to look at your spending together. If he doesn't know, tell him your water bill has doubled; he doesn't need 2 baths per day, cut out unnecessary spending for a while. Also assuming he's not a teenager, he doesn't need vouchers for play station stuff. You have to communicate to resolve this issue, or it will drive a wedge of resentment between you.

I have shown him many times, I have sent him the spreadsheet, shown him
Our bill difference and his argument is why shouldn't he if he goes to work etc. No he's not a teenager he is 30! He just doesn't ever seem to learn about money. Feel like I just talk to a brick wall xx

It's not the cola

You rushed into a pregnancy and added another child to the mix then cut your hours down. Your decisions have consequences as you are now discovering. Blaming him is the easy option but it sounds like there is fault on both sides.

If you don't want to be with him then don't. Could you both not take a second job at weekends (him when not seeing his daughters) or move near his daughters so those visits are cheaper and they can spend more time with you and their half sibling?

We are in such a dilemma today because some
Weeks he works 30 hours some weeks 48. We gave our estimate to tax credits of £15000 for the year for his salary however if he carries on he will be near £19000. But because his hours are never consistent we don't want to tell tax credits he will earn £19000 as he may not if hours go down again and If he does earn that we don't see much of the extra he earns each week because of tax. We would lose £50 a week if we told them they updated figure of £19000. However if we didn't tell them and he ends up earning £19000 we would have our tax credits reduce to nothing to pay the over payment back. Plus it means our csa would go up by £70 a month aswell so technically we would be over £270 a month worse off and we struggle making ends meet now some
Months: feel so penalised by it all. I really don't know what we are going to do. We are thinking of getting his hours reduced to 30 hours set a week so that we can tell tax credits, it won’t affect nexts years csa and tax credits and we may get housing allowance: but feeling so shit about it as then he can’t earn any extra. So we can't rake extra on, plus my job is on a Monday and Saturdays so couldn't do weekend. I would never move away from
Where I live because I don't want to
Be stuck nearer his family and the girls with his history m, at least if he gambles or fucks up again I have my family close by. Plus mine help us out where his don't xx

Why don't you both work full time, then you won't be reliant on tax credits and you will have a stable income and if he works more hours that is great. You may qualify for help with childcare costs.

Your option seems to be that you both work part-time by further reducing your hours and live off benefits?

The best way to get more money for your children is to work more hours in better paid jobs. Maybe focus on how you could do that?

Our issue with that is the price of
Childcare for both kids. And finding a childminder that would
Work until 11pm at night as my shifts can finish late, working that around my partners shifts as his shifts aren't set shifts and neither would mind if I was full time, I have set shifts as I am part time! We don't live of benefits he is still working 30 hours we don't get much tax credits anyways. However also the more he works the more we get stung next year for csa as well, and considering they don't take into account travel
Expenses like it says on their site it would screw us completely. He isn't exactly working part time as it states on their website full time is over 30
Hours. Plus even for childcare help
We would need to no what we would
Roughly be earning and we couldn't calculate that off not knowing how many hours we would work. I worked full time with my first but that's because for 14 hours on one shift he was with his bio dad. My mum would have him for 14 hours too so I only had to fund 12 hours childcare and that just isn't possible this time. Mum can't have both.

Also I am working in my own time for my next course within my place of work, once I complete two courses and the training I can have my own site (hotel and restaurant) with my accomidation, gas, electric and water paid plus a salary of £35000 so he wouldn't have to work he can stay at home as he's more reliable that way x

as it states on their website full time is over 30 Hours

That is for benefit entitlement. Full time work- if you were to get a full time job is usually in the 36-40 hour a week range.

So 5 days a week, childcare available 7-7 in lots of day nurseries and you may be eligible for childcare cost help. That is 60 hours a week just Monday to Friday that you could get childcare for. Have you looked into funding for childcare?

Thats great that you have a long term plan. I know friends children who have gone straight from Uni to live in and run pubs-do any other companies have different rules? What course do you need to do? Can you do it any quicker?

I am doing it as quick as possible, it's the same for the other brands too needing certain courses that the company provide inline with their ways of running businesses. I did my level 3 in management on maternity leave/ whilst I was pregnant. I am literally doing all I can the days I'm not in work to get it completed. My shifts are anything from 6.30am start to 11pm finishes. My partner can start anytime from 4am and finish time anything up until 11pm aswell so we are really struggling with sorting the childcare out. My eldest gets the 30 hours free. Just the youngest but if we put him in for 40 hours a week for me to work (if they would allow me between 7.30-6 as that the time of ours as we only have one in our town.) childcare would be £736 a month, my wages £1200 a month so I would only make £500ish which is the same as what I earn a month now, with money towards childcare. On the online calculator we wouldn't get it is. It's working full time I would get the tax free childcare where we pay in money and they pay in a small contribution

So he wouldn't have to work he can stay at home as he's more reliable that way x

I’m sorry but that statement is a worry, why is he more reliable?!!?

Get yourselves both in full time work, pay the nursery fees, don’t be reliant on the government deciding your fate.shake your partner up by telling him there isn’t the money to see his daughters from you.
I’m afraid this can only end in tears if you don’t separate your monies from his- each pay half bills, an whatever’s left is left of “fun money” - then he may realise.
From reading this, you are just saddled with an overgrown teenager , especially “if he’s not working an more reliable at home”- I took from this you mean he’s not out spending or gambling.
Sorry OP but you both sound like your not helping yourselves, there’s millions of people out there who have to have a baby in childcare when they don’t want to ( I was one of those for one) but to get myself financially over difficult times from divorce etc had to do it. Sometimes we don’t get choices on working for the things An life we need - you gotta get on with it.

It's not my fault he has to pay out to see his children and for csa. It was his choice to have them

You chose to move in and have a baby with a man who already had responsibilities to 2 kids.

You chose to live with him despite knowing the financial situation.

@Gohackyourself my eldest son goes to nursery and always has from 7months old. My youngest does go two days a week and we pay for it, we couldn't afford to have him
In 5days 9-5 though. Plus neither of our shifts are 9-5. We would be paying more our on childcare fees than we would be earning as we would be entitled to no tax credits, no childcare help! If I worked 40hour weeks I would earn £1273 before tax my childcare bill would be £784. This leaves me with £489 a month towards the bills! I earn £530 a month by doing 20 hours a week and not having those childcare costs. It seems silly putting him in full time getting no tax credits, and earning £41 less a month for it! I don't like have to rely on tax credits etc but it also gives me that stability for my kids when he ducks up at work or quits etc. But when I was a single parent to my eldest I worked 40 hours a week every week as we were actually financially better off and I don't like not working loads. I have done it for so long when actually I could have been a. Stereotypical single mum who stayed at home. He is currently working 30 hours a week, he was doing anything between 40-48 which if he did his 48 hours a week we were fine and I didn't care about tax credits except the fact he then felt he was entitled to £40-£50 for his PlayStation but I kept saying it doesn't work like that if he is working thouse hours and we lose tax credits that money needs to make up the tax credits in order for us to live. But then he would end up being signed of sick as the hours were too much then he would go back and she will reduce his hours until he can cope. We can't live like that especially when we have not only the kids living with us but his other two who we need to pay for. I have tried several scenarios, looked at several plans, jobs, hours and I am struggling to get anything to work to fit what he needs! At least if I get my own premises with work and he stays at home I don't need to fear him quitting his job every 5 minutes, and he won't feel as entitled to be able to spend loads of money on crap. It's like this week though he complained he was tired so he got her to reduce his hours to 18! How the hell does that pay what he needs to the bills and then wants us to make a extra 200 mile round trip to his kids to go to
Their school fair. And I have just had to
Tell my son he couldn't have the new shoes he wanted and he had to go for the cheapest. At least when it was just me and him he got what he wanted because I didn't feel so weighed down.

So what are you waiting for crossroads.... because I would say dump him an go back to being single- your moaning about a situation that your putting your son into which you don’t like but are then sticking it out.
Sounds like your putting this man before your children ...

@Gohackyourself asides from
Money when it comes to
The boys he is a absolutely amazing dad with the things he does, routines with them they both completely adore him. So I am no putting him before my kids. Because my kids would be lost without him. I simply just don't know if people ever believe love can be enough over money.

Oh an btw - you don’t earn £520 in tax credits, they’re given to you by the state.

Well you have been advised by the other kind posters- there is no soloution, ponder no more, you choose love.
Good luck x

You think he would fuck your kids off dont you. You are scared if you dump him he will be as neglectful as he has been to his girls.
Well he will be.
Then you have to do what his ex does and be the main parent
Everyone will be better off if you split.

@Gohackyourself I never said I wasn't £520 from tax credits. I go out to work and physically earn £530 a month from my job. Wish the world just didn't revolve and need bloody so much money

@Oswin I don't think he would ever fuck the kids off. I purely just don't think it's fair on the kids that I uproot him from living with them because of money and the financial
Situation if I'm time it will get better and if I new that love can come above and I won't end up resenting him etc. And if he did leave and not see the much I am
Perfectly capable on my own and would not kick up half a stint his ex wife does believe me.