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Original poster

Child maintenance

30 replies

Pearl0876 · 12/06/2018 13:31

I've never involved CMS so no clue about any of this.

My daughters father has been paying £20 a week for as long as I can remember, when we agreed to this amount, he was earning a lot less, and he was also saving for a deposit on a mortgage so I was trying to help. He has had about quite a few promotions since then and I think he earns at least 26k, although I cannot be sure as he doesn't wish to share that information.

Over the last 3 years, I've brought up on several occasions that I want to discuss a fairer amount and he has always guilted me by claiming he already cannot afford the £20 a week, yet he maintains his house, car and a pretty active social life, goes to multiple festivals a years always has new things ect so I struggle to believe him any longer. I've sent him a link to calculate for himself how much he could contribute to see that I'm not "scrounging"

He has no children, although does have a girlfriend living with him, I'm not sure if she works or not and my daughter stays at his house 2 times a week, occasionally 3.

Recently he's been missing payments pretty much every other week and I'm aware he's been off sick so I withheld asking him about it as I assumed he was struggling with money (He's been off for about 2 months) Then last week he took his girlfriend to download festival, tickets £400 plus spending, I know how expensive these things are. Yet he can't afford £20 a week for his child? So now I'm really annoyed.

Should I involve cms as he's been off work for 2 months, will they even make him pay anything or should I wait till he is back at work?

Should I ask the missing payments again? I have asked him in text and he has just completely ignored it.

Not really sure how to go about this as he just flat out refuse to even talk about it.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 12/06/2018 14:05

£20 a week? What a joke!

He won’t talk about it? Fine. Just call the CMS. I can’t even see what you’re debating this! You say he’s off sick? Is he getting sick pay from his work?

Original poster
Pearl0876 · 12/06/2018 14:12

Yeah he is, although I've no clue how much. I'm aware what he pays isn't enough but there's no reasoning with him, I try to remain on good terms for our daughters sake, however it clearly isn't working out for me.

OP posts:
Yokatsu · 12/06/2018 14:17

Involve the CMS on the grounds of the missing payments but it's not likely to go up by a huge amount if his income is 26k

19lottie82 · 12/06/2018 14:17

Good terms? He won’t even cough up £20 a week and he’s taking his girlfriend off to music festivals.

In the nicest way possible, grow a backbone and call the CMS now! That’s your daughters money that you’re depriving her of.

There’s no reasoning with him? That’s exactly what the CMS are there for.

19lottie82 · 12/06/2018 14:20

CMS calculator shows that if the OPs DD stays with her Dad 2 nights a week he should be paying £51 per week.

Original poster
Pearl0876 · 12/06/2018 14:26

I think he is on more than 26k, that's just what I know for sure he was earning a few years back and even that would make his payments double what he pays now and he wouldn't be able to fob them off when he missed them like he constantly doe now.

I think you're right, I do need to grow a backbone, I've just always tried to be compassionate and get along but clearly I'm just allowing myself to be walked on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pearl0876 · 12/06/2018 15:00

Do I need any specific information? i know his name, birth date, address obviously but not his income or anything. Does anyone have an idea of how long it takes for payments to actually start? As I assume he'll stop what he's currently paying completely the second he receives a letter.

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 12/06/2018 15:02

They check his income through HMRC so you don’t need that, the info you have should be enough.

Original poster
Pearl0876 · 12/06/2018 15:38

Thankyou, that's a relief.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 12/06/2018 17:01

2 months off is a long time. What's the nature of his sickness? It is more likely that he is now on SSP in which case, you won't get much from him anyway.

Please don't assume that because he went to an expensive festival, he was able to pay for it. You don't know. Maybe she paid for it herself to cheer him up, maybe he won the tickets, maybe a friend couldn't go and gave them the tickets.

Personally, I wouldn't do anything until you know he is back at work, negotiate again directly, and if you're getting nowhere, go via CMS.

Original poster
Pearl0876 · 12/06/2018 17:16

I know he paid for the festival, as his girlfriend stated on social media (i know I'm nosey) just like she declares other things he has bought her and her son (who doesn't live with them.)

He spends more on festivals each year than he does on maintenance which i find absurd.

He has been off sick with mental health issues, which is why i have not questioned him much as I don't want to be a burdon. However his spending shows and I feel like he puts his responsibility of paying for his child behind everything else.

He has started going in on occasional days so i may wait till he is back to working fulltime.

Mostly I would just like this out of my hands as I'm sick of feeling like I am asking for handouts from him, having to remind him constantly,.

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 12/06/2018 17:19

I know he paid for the festival, as his girlfriend stated on social media (i know I'm nosey) just like she declares other things he has bought her and her son (who doesn't live with them.)

I don’t think that looking on her social media is helpful for your own peace of mind tbh. Not a criticism btw, just an observation.

XH pays nowt, never has. He found every loophole going, and it slaughters me to see him pull up in his swanky car and blathering about money he’s spent on x, y, z. If I saw it on social media it would enrage me!

Original poster
Pearl0876 · 12/06/2018 17:36

We've not been together for ten years, he lost the power to enrage me long ago, I just can't fathom how anyone could treat themselves constantly yet kick up a fuss at having to pay £20 towards the upkeep of their child? Even if they awarded less for a while, for him to get a letter declaring he is actually legally bound to do so would feel wonderful.

How long ago did you try? If it was before they became Child maintenance service, I'd definitely give them a call and get some advice, it seems a lot better these days.

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 12/06/2018 17:39

It’s been 10 years since I left Dickhead too!

I tried before it was CMS, to prove a point that there’s more to being a parent than rocking up once a month with a happy meal rather than needing the money tbh.

When his wife was diagnosed with cancer his first concern was that I wouldn’t go to CMS, at which point I told him that he clearly didn’t know me at all if he thought I’d do anything to cause her stress!

Honestly, he could offer me £1 million tomorrow and I’d tell him to do one. I had to go batshit last week so he’d buy lightbulbs for DS1s room because I found out he’d spent all weekend in the dark, and a toothbrush because he didn’t have one.

PrettyLovely · 12/06/2018 17:40

Sorry op but its only got worse since it changed to cms they are utterly useless.

19lottie82 · 12/06/2018 17:42

swing many employers pay full sick pay you know. Just because he’s been off sick doesn’t mean he’s only getting SSP

Original poster
Pearl0876 · 12/06/2018 17:51

wow, he sounds delightful....

My ex continually does stuff like that and enjoys making me out to be some money grabbing tyrant when in reality I ask so little of him.

Can totally understand were you're coming from but If I were you, I'd claim and just save the maintenance for your son.

I have a very supportive partner who has made no fuss in contributing to my daughter since day one so I assume my lack of stress is due to him.

I was quite excited when I found out my ex's new girlfriend was an adult (the previous was still a teenager..) and a parent as I though she might kick him up the backside a bit but she's made him worse if anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pearl0876 · 12/06/2018 17:52

That's not good to hear, I've heard mostly positive things from friends but at least if it fails, i'm not losing much.

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 12/06/2018 18:04

Can totally understand were you're coming from but If I were you, I'd claim and just save the maintenance for your son

I don’t mean this to sound as wanky as it does, if I (or DS1) needed the money I would, but the thought of that smug dick who has absolutely absolved himself of any responsibility of any kind in 11 years crowing that he was supporting his kid would rile me.

DS1 has everything he needs, because of me and because of DP (for the last 6.5 years) and before that my parents.

I do see where you’re coming from, DS1 is entitled to the money, but the grief it would cause just isn’t worth it for the pittance he’d get.

MikeAlphaMikeAlpha · 12/06/2018 18:15

Call CMS, like you said it may not increase by much but you will no longer face the forgotten weeks money. How anyone thinks £80 a month is enough is beyond me, so to deal with a tight arsed etc withholding £20 here and there would do my nut out of principle! 💐

MikeAlphaMikeAlpha · 12/06/2018 18:16

*Ex not etc

Skyejuly · 12/06/2018 18:33

Currently going through same...

PrettyLovely · 12/06/2018 18:56

"That's not good to hear, I've heard mostly positive things from friends but at least if it fails, i'm not losing much."
Wow really, their exs must be cooperating then.
If he doesnt co opperate they dont do alot.
I found myself spending more money on ringing them than what I was receiving in maintenance which was absolutely nothing.
Wasnt worth the stress in the end.

Skyejuly · 13/06/2018 11:46

^ same. Been waiting 2yrs...

SluttyButty · 13/06/2018 12:07

I couldve written this post myself in every detail other than mine earns at least £30k a year. Other than that, £20 a week for donkeys, has an active social life, new car, complete redecoration of the house.
I'm made to feel guilty asking for a raise. I do wonder why I was ever with this selfish dick in the first place...

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