Tips for budget meeting with dh

[Prusik]

Long story short, our budgeting skills are awful. DH thinks I have a fixation that we're broke. I think we are broke. Credit card debt is constantly up and down. He buys wine, I feel guilty buying shoes if I need them.

We need to rearrange finances.

Currently I receive maternity allowance, child benefit and tax credits into my account. DH receives his wages into his (just above minimum wage). Most bills come out of my account but he pays a loan (£350) and our broadband. Some months he gives me a couple hundred quid. I mostly pay for food basics and stuff for the boys.

I propose that we pool resources. Don't know how it'll go down. Do we pool for petrol money?

How do I approach this without becoming all parental and telling him what to do? We need a joint approach. He sticks his head in the sand and doesn't like being told so I need to approach this as teamwork.

Any tips on creating a budget?

Wtf?! He’s been taking the piss and you’ve been letting him. What does he spend his money on, apart from the loan repayment, broadband and wine?! How on earth has he justified not making a regular, fixed contribution to rent, utilities and food?

But on a practical note, use this
www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/Budget-planning

Yep you have been letting him get away with stuff (and if I remember correctly he demands food as well well above your budget) he needs to stop buying wine

he needs to grow up and you need to use the above link

what would happen if one or both of you lost your jobs tomorrow? It can happen to anyone.
what would happen to the survivor if one of you dropped dead tomorrow? Or to your kids?

you've got kids and are married. You are dependent on each other. Time he grew up.

He must be taken home lest £900
Month so after loan what’s he doing with bulk of his income? How come h gets what 60% income on whatever he likes when you spend all of yours on paying basics for everyone?

It’s not obsessive to want to know where all the money is going. How would he feel if one month you said you had spend all of your and up to him to buy food and pay bills? Suddenly h want to know where your money is going I’m sure.

My DP and I still have our salaries paid into our own bank accounts, but we have standing orders set up that immediately transfer most of the money into other accounts we have (one joint, others in our own names) that we use for almost all of our spending. We track all of our spending using YNAB (budgeting website/app) and every penny of our incomes are accounted for. We have equal amounts of "fun money" each that we can spend on whatever we want, and we have a pot of "joint fun money" that we use on things we do together.

We used to be terrible at budgeting, but we decided we needed to change so we had some hope of actually saving money for a house deposit. We aren't perfect (who is?), but we now manage to save quite a bit of money while actually still living our life and having fun. We don't have children yet, so we don't have anything in our budget relating to them, but when we do have a family, we will re-budget accordingly but reducing spending in other non-essential areas.

Well, he's right. He's not broke, and you are broke. Because you pay for him and his kids, and he has cash in his account.
In your shoes, I'd use YNAB together, and go through their online resources for this stuff (you can get a code for 3 months free trial). If he won't collaborate, then you tot up ALL your joint costs (including every penny that relates to the kids and the house) and that amount goes into a joint account. You should probably contribute in proportion to your respective incomes. We have CB and TCs paid into the joint too. Then he can piss what's left in his own account up the wall if he sees fit. Is the 350 loan from before your time? If so it should be coming out of his personal money too. So yeah. He's broke.

Definitely do a full budget and then divide the cost proprtionately, only split 50/50 if your incomes are the same. We have our own personal accounts and standing orders to a joint account that is for joint costs only. Any other personal costs (individual hobbies or interests for e.g) are paid by each. If one partner is better with money than the other it's a safer way to do it.

On your income with a fairly big loan payment, you probably are broke, or struggling badly unless perhaps you don't have a mortgage?

How long before the loan is paid off and are you planning to return to work/will you be better off then (childcare etc).

It currently sounds like he has at least £300 to himself each month and I bet you have nowhere near that amount?

Go through the MSE link above together. All wages, tax credits etc should be pooled and the order of priority should be:

Household bills
Food/travel for work
DCs/fmaily expenses
Savings for annual and unexpected expenses (insurances, Christmas, broken washing machine etc).
Split the rest 50/50 for wine, shoes and other personal spends.

Also go through all the MSE suggestions for cost cutting/income boosting - regularly change your broadband/utilities/get cashback etc. Tedious, but the savings really add up and make a huge difference to your disposable income when on a tight budget.

Also make sure any credit card debt is on 0% cards if this is an option available to you and include paying it off in your budget. If the debts were family expenses it is a joint expense, or personal spends, out of personal money, obviously.

Again, information about which cards are available and likelihood of acceptance on moneysavingexpert. Also a link to look at your credit files to see what credit card debt you have in case your DH has cards you don't know about - no point setting a budget if it isn't based on your actual position.

I think we are both pretty broke. @Quartz2208 you're right about the food. His contribution is now that he makes his own gluten free museli (the oats are £2.50 a bag!!). I'm still not much better eating but getting there. Dh has been taking batch cooked chilli's/curries to work which he makes. But now the freezer has broken I couldn't eat those bits because they seem to bother the 2 month old. I eat any leftovers we have generally.

His take home is currently about £850 a month but will definitely be going up once I get his final self employed tax return in as they're taxing him basic rate on a full time minimum wage job. On that his loan is £350, broadband I think about £30 and he has a one hour per day commute. He tends to buy any meat we eat.

As soon as his tax is sorted I'll be asking for around £400 a month or more.

I told him yesterday we'll be having a budgeting meeting and he said "why do we need a budgeting meeting?"

Good news is he starts uni in September. He'll be working it around his full time job so the poverty won't last forever. We're warm (although the heating is broken currently) and fed and I'll also be going back work in sept. So all isn't too bad. The problem has started is because this was my house originally so we've always left it like this. But now we have babies it's harder.

Do you think I should prepare for the meeting in advance or get him to help prep? I can't be parental on this otherwise he won't listen. He needs to realise himself and he doesn't do being told

I think —hope— that it’s merely a case of him being clueless about it rather than deliberately selfish

But you do need to start being more forceful it can’t go on, you have two children and do not have the budget for his diet needs. You need to get him to growup

I think you are right Re prep. Maybe meeting one ends with you both agreeing to do x prep each for meeting 2???
Don't ask him for a certain amount- figure out together how you are doing it jointly!

I know you love him but he never comes across well in your posts. He comes across as selfish and self absorbed and you martyr yourself by not eating and doing all the worry.

Does he know your financial situation as he must have loads of money to spare if all he is paying is 350

Regarding prep, make sure he comes to the meeting with copies of his credit file, so you can see all his accounts. You can get a free copy online here:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/creditclub

Also his last few bank statements so you can look at his spending (both do this). Ideally, download them (save as CSV files) and categorise in excel so as well as being able to see the change in balances, you can see what money is being spent on.

Especially useful for the small regular spends that seem inconsequential at a few quid a time but add up big style if done regularly, like a daily coffee can add up to hundreds of pounds a year.

@Quartz2208 you're right, he never comes across well he's inherently a good man but with a few niggles. He's not exactly great at budgeting because he moved from his parents into here. He has bought into the house so we own equally though. He matched my equity. Upon moving into here he was self employed so he had cash coming in in varying large amounts but not very frequently. So I paid most monthly bits and he did a lot of food shopping and treats. Money is tighter now as the business is gone and he has a fixed monthly amount coming in.

I think my Draconian approach doesn't help. It's sensible but not useful. I have come from a background of poverty. We had loads until my dad left and then lived with almost nothing. So I work on needs not wants. His parents were more comfortable and are still together so enjoying a good retirement. He wants to be able to eat well. That's pretty much his only goal. He does spend money fixing up the house. He's hopefully due a tax rebate soon and I will be taking all of it

In terms of prep, his is easy as he has the one loan and the one bank account. I know he does top up food shops (I think I probably don't buy enough for the week), chewing gum, maybe about £10/£15 on wine/beer per week, petrol and a few bits for fixing up the house. He keeps ending up with my credit card though so some of those things creep into my money.

It's always worked so well doing it this way - when I was earning more and so was DH - but now we're crashing and burning

Then compromise together and really sit down and discuss it like two adults (at the moment I think he is being parented by allowing him to believe that money he can spend)

Another thing to do before the meeting is fill out a SoA including ALL income and outgoings, yours and his to show him.

www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

“He keeps ending up with my credit card though”

You sound really passive and like a complete walkover tbh.

You still haven’t explained where the rest of his money is going as I suspect you don’t know.

Frankly I’m amazed that you’re happy to cover mortgage and bills for the family without any significant contribution from him or in fact any real transparency about his income and what he’s doing with it.

I think the problem is £50 per week on petrol, £350 pm on the loan. That's £550. Maybe £30 on the broadband. £20 a week on meat. There's not a massive amount left over. But his money will be going up now so I need some from him. The loan is in his name but a joint loan really.

I'm not making excuses but he genuinely does buy stuff for the house with his money. I dunno, we shall see once I sit down with him and have a discussion

That leaves £250/month still unaccounted for. What does he spend it on? Food and wine?

Also the loan repayment can be renegotiated. You should do a proper budget and work out how much you can actually afford in monthly repayments - it might be less than £350/month. Obviously you need to pay it off as quickly as possible but not if you’re getting into more debt.

The fact that you're doing his tax return isn't helpful - and I say that as someone who has done my DH's for years. In his defence, he is extremely unwell and has concentration problems, he would never be able to do a tax return himself.

He's completely removed from the consequences of his finances. He has variable income - you bail him out. He runs out of money mid-month - you give him your credit card (he doesn't 'end up' with it by magic, unless he's stealing it from you?). He needs to understand the financial position of his company - you do it.

So what on earth is in it for him, to want to come to a budget meeting? The only way I can think of for you to sell this to him is with a savings goal he actually wants. Then it's a question of working out a budget that allows you not only to save that amount, but also build up an emergency fund in order to act as a buffer and protect those savings.

At the moment he is like a child, he has no need to understand because there are no consequences - if he wants something he gets the credit card (presumably you pay it off)

I cant work out if becoming completely joint will help but certainly he needs to face up to the fact that as a dad of 2 he cant just hope for the best and buy what he wants

But you also need to face up to the fact that you cant shield him either, your sole goal cant be to ensure he is happy and protected from this. You are not his mother, he is suppose to be an equal partner who shoulders responsibility with you.

It is not your job to say yes or no to him, he should be getting it but I think you have spend so long ensuring his needs are met that he has no real concept of where you are