How do you cope with a financially useless partner?

[FloweryFloral]

DP is useless with money. He earns well, has what I consider to be a good amount of money spare each month, but somehow it all just goes.

He's in debt, has a bad credit score and I just don't think he really cares.

I want to be able to build a future with someone (ideally him!), think about getting a bigger house, saving, investing, pensions etc. Meanwhile he's spanking every penny he has and more.

Has anyone ever got past this where you're both very different with finances and managed to rein the chronic spender in!? If so, how?!

I think this is potentially very difficult .My DH is a bit like this,I tend to run the money and we are both high earners,me a bit more ,so it is not too bad for us
Essentially I think people's attitude to money is ingrained in their personality and it is diffcuilt for that to change, managed yes but fundamentally changed,no.
If you are thinking about having kids,being a SAHM ,going part time etc I would seriously consider your future

In all honesty, that could be a deal breaker for me.

However, if he shares some of your values (like a bigger house, pensions, savings etc) but just hasn't been engaging brain before spending, there could be some hope.

E.g. DH and I pay bills and groceries out of a shared account, a fixed amount of money is saved every month (incl pensions, investments, mortgage overpayments etc). There's an attached savings account with money towards house repairs, holidays, MOTs etc. Generally, there's no need to carry cards for the account as it's a direct debit + a weekly online grocery shop. If you had similar, DP wouldn't be tempted/able to spend as there would be no card to hand.

We each then have a separate account with 'pocket money' to spend on fun stuff any way we like. That would be easier for your DP to manage especially if he didn't take out any credit cards. He'd know how much he can blow on going out or hobbies and hopefully have enough sense not to overspend or save up for a bigger purchase.

But I'd say that first and foremost, your partner needs to want to change. If he reckons he's fine as he is, you won't be able to force him to change.

He says he wants a bigger house etc but he just doesn't seem to get, or to want to get, budgeting.

We did cut up the credit cards and he was supposed to transfer X amount a month to another account for "pocket money" I.e. to blow on whatever he chooses. It now transpires he's been transferring more than he should have been - about £2200 over budget over the last 6 months.

I would be worried about exactly where this money is disappearing to. I had to divorce my EXDH because I found out he was a secret gambler. It's very difficult/impossible to stop them if they don't want to stop.

You could be describing my DH. It’s very stressful. I have learn that I just have to be the one that does the saving (he pays for everything and I save). In the end I can live with it because money wasn’t a part of the equation when I married him. His income just happened to rise sharply. I never expected him to make us rich in that sense.

I solved this in my first marriage with a decree absolute. Sorry, as that’s probably not what you want to hear, but if they don’t try and step up after some help and advice then it’s just another form of acting like a baby.

I personally think it's impossible. You have one person reining in spending, and other chucking hundreds a month away on coffees and take-out lunches. Very difficult.

I had access to his statements a while ago and it looks like it's mostly just reckless/thoughtless spending. One or two meals a day out of the house five days a week, the odd night at the pub. Daily tube tickets. No evidence of gambling but maybe I should look again as he is averaging £300 a week spending money which seems loads, even at London prices.

It's most frustrating because I see it that we could be building a brilliant future for ourselves if we clubbed together and made a joint spending and saving plan but instead he's spooning his money on crap and getting in debt in the process. I don't want any financial association with him as his credit score is shocking and mine is good. It's all a bit sad really, relationships are bloody hard work.

Well just for another perspective OP- I was your DP a couple of years ago. Spent more than i earnt, £12 in debt. My DP is SO good with money and had tens of thousands saved in the bank. He despaired of me but never left me, I wanted to make him proud and I’m now proud to say I now have just £1200 on a (now 0%) CC which is never used anymore and should be paid off within 6 months and £3,000 in savings. I no longer go shopping and spend, spend, spend. In fact I’ve become a bit addicted to saving and now don’t like spending money frivolously.

Honestly, if you’d have told me this a couple of years ago I’d have never have believed it. I woke up one day basically having a panic attack due to all the debt, I couldn’t function & was sick of feeling sick and guilty all day, every day re my finances.

I promise you people can change but they have to want to- I did.

£12k in debt, not £12 LOL

I split up with ExP over money. Slight difference as he was a cocklodger and contributed nothing to household bills/expenses. He was self employed and just didn’t make enough money to live off but refused to get a salaried job as he didn’t want to work for anyone else. As soon as he had cash in hand he’d spend it on ‘treats’, while I had to make sure mortgage , bills, food paid for.
He still doesn’t pay any maintenance for DD but wafts in and out Disney Dad style to take her out swimming, or cinema or buying tat for her, so in her eyes he’s Dad of the Year. But takes no actual adult responsibility (won’t have her overnight as he’s sofa surfing )

It's getting that shift, Coco, good on you.

I have managed to rein in a big spender.

I think it is depends on the causes of the spending. I think overspending can be a habit. DP came from a background where he didn't really need to consider how much things costs and getting the best deals.

People who chuck whatever you want into your basket without looking at the price and overspend because the don't really think about it, can be train themselves to be different. I think you can help with that because shopping around and getting good deals can be a skill. You can show him the pleasure of getting a bargain.

But I agree with user that a lot of big spenders are impulsive and can't help themselves.

I see it a bit like losing weight. Some people don't know much about nutrition or don't bother to keeping track what they eat and they could be helped. Others know about it but still can't resist the chocolate and those people have to do it themselves.

He gives me most of his cash and I sort everything, it works for us. He gets enough left to pay his phone and then "pocket money". I sort his clothes, shoes, food, shared house bills etc. The money left in his bank he can blow on crap.

People can change regarding money. I took after my dad, who preferred to spend and live in the moment, rather than save. I changed. My partner is financially very responsible and I'd like to make him proud. Low credit scores are partly due to lack of interest in the credit system. I wasn't on the electoral roll for years as I moved around. If I paid a phone bill 2 weeks late I dodn't care. I now know that paying utilities bills late creates a flag on your credit score. I travelled a lot and if I missed a credit card payment, or went temporarily overdrawn, I shrugged and thought the fee was the penalty. The low credit score was the real penalty. Educate him and take control.

I’d say be careful. Experience!

My DH is 54 and completely useless. We met when he was 42. He’d divorced and signed everything over to his ex wife for no reason other than he couldn’t be bothered with all the practicalities. No DC. No assets. Living hand to mouth but in a champagne lifestyle sense. At the time he was in a very very good job but shortly after we married he was made redundant. He had a very poor pension pot, a debt, and whenever we tried to talk about money the shutters come down. He just can’t ‘do it’ despite being an articulate and loving man. If he had a fiver, he’ll give it away. And now he is in a less well paying job through circumstances, he can’t afford to save.

Our finances, because of this mess, are on a daily basis separate. I earn less than him but manage to save. 80% of my money goes in the family pot, I save the rest. He claims he is permanently skint. He has £600 a month disposable income which is more than me by a long way but he never has any money at all. I pay for holidays. I pay for all the kids stuff. He funds his own car which again, was a ridiculous financial decision (a sharabang of a money pit, impractical, eats fuel, and it’ll be me who’ll worry about how it’ll be inevitably replaced in a year or two).

I have spent my whole working life saving and insuring and pensioning myself. If I die, he’s very okay financially. If he dies, I am a lot worse off in a lot of ways. If he looses his job again we are stuffed. Yet I do everything I can to mitigate all that risk out from my own side.

I have to deal with my own matters not his as he is so unengaged on this it’s like talking to a mannequin. We’ve been over and over it, he just has no level of interest.

I take care of him, in lots of ways, all the time. Emotionally and practically and financially. I don’t expect to live in the 1950’s but it would be nice if that tangiable care was reciprocated in some way? He’s due to retire 10 years before me - am I supposed to work to keep him then? He’ll have nothing other than his state pension. He couldn’t work to keep me when I desperately wanted to have a few years as a SAHM. It feels unfair. And I don’t like feeling begrudging but I do.

Even something like a buying something we need - let’s say a new microwave. He’ll come with me to choose it, pass comment, then just let me pay and not question where the money comes from. He’s not avoiding, he just never has the money and the worst bit is he won’t discuss that BEFORE we go out, he just assumes it’ll be dealt with. He’s not being mean, he’s just ignorant. As someone else said it’s babyish. And I tell you what; I’m rapidly loosing respect for him over it.

That turned into a rant, sorry. But you get the drift.

Ouf alabaster that sounds knackering. I'm not surprised you are getting sick of it.

When I first met DH he was like this. His family live hand to mouth and on credit, so he knew no better. I am great with money and he went through mine like water because I was young and stupid.

Eventually, when he saw my family members and friends settle down and get jobs and buy houses, he got a good job and we bought a place and every penny counted. No one in his family had owned a house before (all lived in council houses) and he was very proud that he had done it. His sister copied him, mortgaged up to the hilt (in the days you were allowed) and furnished it out of a catalogue. We lived with no furniture except a bed for ages because I refused to go into debt for chairs and twigs to go in a vase. Long story short, his sister lost her house, her car, everything. She had a drawer of unopened letters from debt collection people, she had the bailiffs hammering on the door, the works.

That shocked DH to the core.

He spent nothing until we had a years mortgage in the bank.

To this day he is good with money. I think he just grew up and realised how to be an adult.

Oh god Alabaster that sounds horrendous. I don't know what the answer is.

I suppose half the trouble is that you don't find out this stuff about someone until you've known and been with them for quite a while, and inevitably love them. Sodding love.

Leave. whatever you do, don't link yourself financially with this man or have kids with him.

Deal breaker for me. When DH and I married he knew he was financially inept so I handled all finances. He deposited his check and got a cash allowance. No checks, no credit cards, no debit card. As he began to realize the benefits of being 'solvent' and actually getting ahead financially rather than squandering money on random shit, he became more financially responsible. With the advent of online banking, being the more online savvy of the two of us, he took over all bill paying and we've never looked back.

If your DH won't agree to you taking over the finances for both of you until he can learn to be responsible, I'd leave him. You will never get ahead if he won't.

My DH is pretty bad with money, if he has it, he spends it and has no inidividual savings of his own. He’s got a bit better since we got together as I told him it wasn’t acceptable for me for him to ignore bills, miss payments ect, so his credit history is acceptable now.

What works for us is we keep our finances separate but every month he gives me money for his half of the bills plus a bit extra which I put into a joint savings account. I treat him like a child basically! It’s not ideal...... but.......meh!

Frankly, it's a red flag if his cc's were cut up and he agreed an amount of spending money and now it transpires that he hasn't been sticking to it. And spending on random shiz... And £300/week is a ton of spending money.

I'd probably give it another 6-12 months to see if he improves and take a view. If he doesn't get any better with budgeting, I wouldn't see my future with him.

My XH was, and still is, absolutely crap with money. I spent years trying to stop us sliding into even more debt than we were already in whilst he spent money without thinking about it. He is in a very well paid job but is constantly skint and in debt. Since divorcing my household income is less than half of his but I've never felt so well off!

I would never get involved with someone with the polar opposite attitude to money as me again - it's too much of a deal breaker for a lot of people and breeds such resentment. Not worth it.

My dh was like this and it was a deal breaker for me. Once he realised this he handed me all financial control. He gets pocket money each month and I control the rest.

It's worked well and he now has more assets than in his entire life due to it all being properly managed! But if he hadn't handed over control at the beginning it would have been game over.