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Original poster

Stepchange husband not co-operating

41 replies

zoomer445 · 07/03/2018 17:11

I've spoken to the bank today about all our charges and the vicious circle we are in every month.

They told me to contact stepchange.

I've spoken to them in the past. Basically they told me my husbands income is less than our outgoings. I knew that already.

The only way is for me to get a job. I've not worked since I've had the kids but since they started school I've been applying for for the past 2 years. Had nothing. I know most people say if you're that desperate you would do anything. Just for info I'm dyslexic and have high functioning Asperger plus social anxiety and I'm on anti depressants so this does stop me applying for every job out there. Not making excuses but I only leave the house to go to school or the doctors.

My husband is on a good salary. I don't want to say what he does as in the past when I've asked for money advice posters have said if he's on that wage he must spare money or have another family somewhere else. They also don't believe me that he pays for his own accommodation and food for work but he does.

Obviously stepchange need to know what he earns to help. He puts money in to cover bills but with late fees or missed payments this never seems to cover it. He uses this card to buy stuff through the week and doesn't put the money back. I cut up his card but he just takes mine.The rest he has to pay for the above.

He won't tell me and he does not bring wage slips home. If he ever gets lump sums or bonuses he gives it to me to use but I mostly pay debt with it. So I know he's not hiding money as if he can he will give me extra for stuff for the kids or Christmas or birthdays etc.

It's so difficult as I'm trying to get help for the debt but he just ignores it. The debt is either in his name or joint. Some things he couldn't get just in his name.

I don't know how someone could not just give me information if he knows if will put their wife at ease.

Please be kind I'm just so stressed x

OP posts:
Creditnote · 07/03/2018 19:37

I think deep down you know the answer. If he isn't giving you all the information you need to tackle this then he's not on your side. You are not working as a team together. If it's even half as stressful as your post suggests I would sit down with him and explain firmly that you either work together or he goes so you can sort out your share of your problems on your own. That may seem a frightening prospect but eventually things will improve for you. If you let things stay as they are then nothing will change.

And I'm sorry to say that just because he sometimes gives you some extra money doesn't mean that he's not hiding money from you. Is there anyone in real life that can support you?

Chienrouge · 07/03/2018 19:43

Read your post back and think very carefully what advice you would give to a friend in this situations.
He won’t tell you what he earns, even though it would help you as a family.
People tell you that in the job he does, he must be earning more than he provides to you.

He’s hiding money/spending it on something else. What possible other reason would there be for him not telling you what he earns?

RandomMess · 07/03/2018 19:46

Presumably you could ask around on specific forums to get an idea what he earns, I seem to remember your previous posts and it's the sort of industry where jobs are in a pay band.

Original poster
zoomer445 · 07/03/2018 20:04

Hi thanks for the replies. I know what his yearly wage is but not what he gets per month. Trains alone are £300 ish a month so I really don't think he has much spare money at all. I'm not worried about that. Just the fact that he doesn't want me to get involved with this debt company. Maybe he's worried work will find out. I'm not sure. He said it will affect our credit rating but to be honest I'd rather do this and worry about that later. He's just so annoying. I have to live in the real world while he is allover the UK / world. X

OP posts:
WatchingFromTheWings · 07/03/2018 20:04

Not read your other threads but from this post alone I'd say he's lying to you about what he earns and what he's doing with the money he's keeping.

No idea what else to suggest.

PatriciaHolm · 07/03/2018 20:05

If he's not telling you, then he's hiding things from you. By definition. It could be relatively small, as in he's ashamed of having to seek help; or it could be huge, such as a gambling habit, or a much higher wage than you think that is being funnelled elsewhere.

I'm voting for huge, unfortunately.

RandomMess · 07/03/2018 20:06

Sadperhaps the ultimatum is to either engage in the process or it's over.

WatchingFromTheWings · 07/03/2018 20:07

he doesn't want me to get involved with this debt company. Maybe he's worried work will find out. I'm not sure. He said it will affect our credit rating

If your outgoings exceed your income and you're getting bank charges, your credit is already screwed I'm afraid.

Newscoliosismum · 07/03/2018 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fizzymama · 07/03/2018 20:08

Oh gosh OP your situation sounds horrendous. It's even more sad to read that whilst you have acknowledged your problems and are trying to sort your joint debt your husband does not want to work with you. Surely he can't like the situation you are in. However, why does he not want to go through Step change sounds to me that once he has to start disclosing information he's afraid of what you might find out. Sounds like he's hiding something. I 100% agree with a PP sit down and tell him firmly you have to sort this together and you need full disclosure or you will be going your separate ways. It's not fair on either you, or you children at all. Good luck OP.

Original poster
zoomer445 · 07/03/2018 20:35

I do have log in details as he can check what he will be getting before he's paid. I forgot about that. I don't think they will accept it though.
Seriously his travel food accommodation and lots of insurance for his job won't leave much left. Of course he could be lying or cheating anyone can but I know after he gives me for the bills there can't be much going into his.

I'd move but the kids have adhd dyslexia and autism between them and have only just started to settle.

OP posts:
Aprilmightmemynewname · 07/03/2018 20:37

You know that this is financial abuse right?

sunshineintheclouds · 07/03/2018 20:42

You know that this is financial abuse right?

So is op cutting up his bank cards Shock

Your dh is going to have to find a different work by the sounds of it. He seems to spend more at work than he brings home!

sunshineintheclouds · 07/03/2018 20:43

If you struggle to do certain things because of a disability op have you looked into pip?

Original poster
zoomer445 · 07/03/2018 20:47

He can't leave yet he would lose his pension and he's been in the job too long.

I know I can't talk about money issues without talking about his money but I hate bringing his job into it as then the advice is all about that.

I did talk to him about his card and he said well as it's for bills he doesn't need it.

OP posts:
sunshineintheclouds · 07/03/2018 20:49

With him being the only wage earner the situation is all about his wages I'm afraid there is no getting around that unless you earn money?

sunshineintheclouds · 07/03/2018 20:51

It really is a case of options which have to be chosen
-he cuts down his work day spends

  • he changes jobs
  • you find a way to earn / bring in money
sunshineintheclouds · 07/03/2018 20:51

There is anything else that can solve your issue here.

Original poster
zoomer445 · 07/03/2018 20:52

The main issue is he can't be bothered to ask for wage slips or realise we are in the shit. He doesn't live in the real world. That's why I'm annoyed as he just needs to tell me how much he gets and what he spends it on and it's too much trouble.

OP posts:
Original poster
zoomer445 · 07/03/2018 20:53

I definitely need a job I know that

OP posts:
sunshineintheclouds · 07/03/2018 20:55

You need to tell him how much stress it is causes you.

If he doesn't want to go with step change
Just sit down together and go through what comes in and what goes out
Then work together to make changes

Newscoliosismum · 07/03/2018 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shalva1970 · 07/03/2018 21:00

I guessing you’ll already have looked at the credit reference agencies online, if you have joint debt and he won’t give you full disclosure of his income/outgoings, how does he think you’ll get out of the mess?
Is he willing to change anything? Cheaper hotels?? Proper budget?

Zioanna · 07/03/2018 21:01

If he’s apprehensive about giving his details to stepchange, they have an online tool on their website that you can complete anonymously. It gives you options and you only have to give your details if you decide you want to proceed with one of them. Maybe he would try something like that?

Newscoliosismum · 07/03/2018 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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