Stepchange husband not co-operating

[zoomer445]

I've spoken to the bank today about all our charges and the vicious circle we are in every month.

They told me to contact stepchange.

I've spoken to them in the past. Basically they told me my husbands income is less than our outgoings. I knew that already.

The only way is for me to get a job. I've not worked since I've had the kids but since they started school I've been applying for for the past 2 years. Had nothing. I know most people say if you're that desperate you would do anything. Just for info I'm dyslexic and have high functioning Asperger plus social anxiety and I'm on anti depressants so this does stop me applying for every job out there. Not making excuses but I only leave the house to go to school or the doctors.

My husband is on a good salary. I don't want to say what he does as in the past when I've asked for money advice posters have said if he's on that wage he must spare money or have another family somewhere else. They also don't believe me that he pays for his own accommodation and food for work but he does.

Obviously stepchange need to know what he earns to help. He puts money in to cover bills but with late fees or missed payments this never seems to cover it. He uses this card to buy stuff through the week and doesn't put the money back. I cut up his card but he just takes mine.The rest he has to pay for the above.

He won't tell me and he does not bring wage slips home. If he ever gets lump sums or bonuses he gives it to me to use but I mostly pay debt with it. So I know he's not hiding money as if he can he will give me extra for stuff for the kids or Christmas or birthdays etc.

It's so difficult as I'm trying to get help for the debt but he just ignores it. The debt is either in his name or joint. Some things he couldn't get just in his name.

I don't know how someone could not just give me information if he knows if will put their wife at ease.

Please be kind I'm just so stressed x

Hi I did the step change thing online today. I just guessed some parts as i don't know what he pays out. I think I'll log onto the website tomorrow it shows next months wage and all the outgoings. He does pay the debts off but only the minimum payment which will take years. Every month I tell him a bill hadn't been paid. We argue over it whenever he is home so he knows how much stress it causes. A lot of the bills were coming out of his account. Were supposed too. He never checked his statements so I've asked for all the bills to come out of the joint now so I have control.
I really wish I could cancel the tv and phone but we are tied in. Nothing else I can cancel either.

I don't really know why I posted as all the advice in the world won't pay our bills or stop my husband being a nob. Thanks all x

Oh zoomer your last post has made me weep and laugh in equal measure. I think you have just summed up half of Mumsnet!
Is there truly nothing you can cut down on in the slightest? Groceries? Utilities? Un-mumsnetty hugs anyway.

I think he is just so far in denial he's being an ostrich. You would probably be better off separating tbh

Seriously his travel food accommodation and lots of insurance for his job won't leave much left

Seems pointless doing that job really then if he isn't earning money that he should. Can you all move nearer the job so you only need one set of accomodation and no extra food costs (does he have cooking facilities, or is he shelling out for restaurant meals and takeaways) or he do another job closer to home.

If you put his salary into www.listentotaxman.com, you can see what he should be taking home, but obviously need to account pension, student loan and then there's the unspecified travel, food and accomodation costs.

Without sorting all this out, I'm not sure you getting a job to try and bridge the gap is the best solution.

I have a similar list of barriers to work and I got a job after volunteering for 18 months.
It gave me a chance to build up my CV loads and get a recent reference.
I volunteered at a charity and also at my child's school.

The whole thing sounds like a nightmare and volunteering won't stop your husband being a nob but it might take your mind off it for a bit

OP please make a change today as this situation is dreadful for your health. It's also unsustainable financially.

As others have said he is either hiding something or he is just living in dentist. However you are a partnership so need to engage together in fixing this.

If your husband is worried about his employer finding out about financial issues the best thing to do is tell them. I'm guessing the industry and if I'm right then it's likely they will have policies and procedures to support employees in financial difficulty. The issue is staff not making the employer aware so they can help.

If he really is bringing home less than the outgoings are then you need to look may selling the property, or him moving jobs or you working.

Please don't keep coping alone with this

Hi I do volunteer 4 days a week

Hi thanks for all your comments I do appreciate you taking the time to help x

Thanks for the PMs too you're all correct

I think this has been posted about before and the advice was to move to near his work but op didn't want to. The children are at school so if you won't move then you need to really be trying to get a job, don't rule anything out.

Hi OP, I remember your previous thread and I posted on that too. I know you said that posters kept concentrating on your H's job rather than your specific situation, but that was because many of those who suggested advice knew all about the terms and conditions of your H's job as we are, or have in the past, worked for the same organisation!

We know that he is not being honest with you and you were offered suggestions on how to go some way at least to understand the real truth of his pay and what outgoings he is responsible for.

Bottom line is that your H is either being totally dishonest with you, or else - for some reason known only to him - is not telling his employer he is married. If he does that he no longer has to pay for his accommodation, gets extra money to get him to and from home, and a host of other benefits as well.

I am mystified about the expensive insurance - there are organisations that offer special insurance rates for your husband's line of work which are subsidised by his employer, so the cost to the individual is very competitive.

And as so many of us have said before, you could get heavily subsidised accommodation at his place of work.

None of what he says adds up. I would love to be his boss and have a chat to him about what he is telling his wife, rather than the reality of his situation. I cannot advise you strongly enough to contact the Welfare organisation at his place of work. They are brilliant and have heard this all before. They can offer you great help and you do not have to go to them via your husband - you can contact them direct. If you want more information, PM me and I will provide you with some contact details. The service is confidential if you wish it to be.

Unless you're a man you cannot work in the same possession as my husband does and they know we are married as they all came over for the weekend we get married.

Sorry I can't type

His mates coming over the weekend you were married is irrelevant. If your H has not been into his unit pay office and filled out the forms to change his marital status from single to married, the pay system on the organisation's computer will not be updated to ensure he gets the correct benefits and allowances.

I know the organisation your H works in does not currently recruit women (apart from a specialist area) but that is about to change. And your H's organisation is part of a bigger employer that does have women within it and that is why I understand the terms and conditions so well.

He is creating an intolerable and unacceptable situation for you and your DC by either withholding the truth about his current pay and benefits from you, or by wilfully and negligently not claiming the allowances and disregards he is entitled to as a married person.

I can not understand why he would do that. I'm afraid I suspect he is spending his money on something or someone else. I again urge you to contact his employer's welfare organisation- they can do a very great deal to help you. I can provide you with their contact details if you PM me.

I am sorry you are in this situation but there are ways that it can be resolved if you contact the right people. Your H is behaving so badly and is not offering you the support and honesty you deserve - I am so sorry.

In 2 years you've not been able to find a job? What types of things are you applying for? Maybe you need to start with really basic ones, supermarkets are always hiring, companies are always looking for cleaners and carers. You could take in ironing at home, if you drive you could deliver for those companies. You should be able to find some work. What too you do all day when the kids are at school?