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Original poster

Finances in a blended family - need your advice please

27 replies

MCBK · 27/02/2018 15:07

Hi

I have been with my partner for 6 years, engaged for 3 of those. We each have a child from previous marriages (mine 12, his 19). His lives with his ex wife and mine lives with us (my 12 year old refuses to see his father).

We agreed I would stop working (I used to work 50+ hours a week) a few years ago. He has done very well and offered to give me an allowance on place of my salary. At the time it seemed perfect (we weren't engaged yet). But the more I think about it, the more time passes- the more I feel that it doesn't work. We don't share a home, everything is in his name and I don't get enough to save after all the costs of food and bills are paid.

Yes, I would 100% go back to work but he doesn't want that as he has retired and wants me to be home. I fill my time with looking after home and everyone in it plus I do a fair bit of volunteer work (which he dislikes).

Whenever I bring up money he takes it as a complaint and gets very passive aggressive and reminds me that I am better off now than where I was when we met as a single mother. Albeit, I was making a decent living- nothing extravagant.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I am right anymore in thinking that this isn't right.

What do you think?

Thank you for reading.

M

OP posts:
FastCar26 · 27/02/2018 15:29

Are you married ? What happens if you split up what assets will you have ? If you volunteer, I don't understand why you cannot change to doing paid employment, you are currently putting yourself in a very vulnerable position. How will you find your retirement ?

expatinscotland · 27/02/2018 15:31

You are in an extremely vulnerable position financially.

celtiethree · 27/02/2018 15:36

If I were in your position I’d go back to paid work as pp said you are extremely vulnerable from a financial point of view. Has your partner written a will?

Grumpyoldblonde · 27/02/2018 15:37

Go back to work. Seriously and urgently, you've walked into an insanely vulnerable position. You'd have nothing if he ditched you tomorrow and besides he holds all the power.
Mad.

Original poster
MCBK · 27/02/2018 15:37

We are not married.

I won't have any assets if we split up. When I mentioned this before to him, he says I have more now than I had before we got together- as in, I should just be happy with what I have.

With volunteer work I'm able to be flexible (not "work" be unavailable when needed- I totally understand what you are saying.

Regarding retirement and financial future in general - It terrifies me- I have much anxiety and worry about it all the time.

I guess I just need objective verbal slap in the face to get my act together.

I value staying at home with my little one (not so little) perhaps too much and I need to trust that things are going to be ok? My exhusband was very abusive with both my son and I - so I have spent a great deal of time and energy making sure my son is ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
MCBK · 27/02/2018 15:38

Thank you all very much for your replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
MCBK · 27/02/2018 15:39

Yes he has written a will (have I seen it- no) but there is something there for me.

OP posts:
Grumpyoldblonde · 27/02/2018 15:46

What's your housing situation?

GeorgeTheHippo · 27/02/2018 15:52

What do you mean by we don't share a home? Do you live together? Who owns your home it's him isn't it?

randomquestions · 27/02/2018 15:54

But he could change his will at any time surely? And you don't even know for definite what it contains at the minute. I would imagine he'll prioritise looking after his child and I'd be anxious too. If you're not married you need to sort out your own financial security, especially as you have a son too. How do you plan on looking after him, housing and feeding you both etc if you and your partner split??

CotswoldStrife · 27/02/2018 15:56

Do you have separate properties?

Original poster
MCBK · 27/02/2018 15:56

He owns two properties and we live in a rented one together that he pays for.

What I meant by we don't share: is that my name isn't on any of the deeds of the other properties. These other properties have been purchased over the last four years.

OP posts:
Original poster
MCBK · 27/02/2018 15:58

Randomquestions: you are too right.

Again, thank you everyone.

I suppose we are beyond having a discussion and I should just go back to work? I was thinking to write him a letter as I really don't like how angry he gets about it.

OP posts:
Quorafun · 27/02/2018 15:58

Unless you are legally married to a man, its not wise to give up your financial independence. Even if you are, its something to think long and hard about.
Volunteer work is wonderful. Being a stay at home mother is wonderful, but only if you can afford it, and from what you say, it sounds as if you can't afford it.

Original poster
MCBK · 27/02/2018 16:00

Quorafun: it's been such a blessing. But I know you are right.

OP posts:
GrumpyOldBlonde · 27/02/2018 16:01

He gets angry if you discuss it - that's all i need to know to say you need to get back to work pronto. Where did you live before you met him?

You are basically relying on him to give you pocket money.

randomquestions · 27/02/2018 16:03

Have you any plans to get married? If not, is that an indication that he doesn't want to make a financial commitment to you? If that's the case then it's definitely time to sort out your personal finances. And possibly reassess the relationship.

Original poster
MCBK · 27/02/2018 16:11

GrumpyOldBlonde: I lived in a two bed flat with my son.

Randomquestions: in a few years.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 27/02/2018 16:13

Look, a man who gets angry when a woman is trying to put herself and her child in a less vulnerable position isn't worth bothering with.

He doles out money - though not enough to save some - as though he's the lord of the manor, then dislikes you showing any initiative and going to work, albeit voluntarily.

The thing is, OP, that you are living in a rented house precisely so that you don't have any financial claim on it if you split up.

You are staying out of the workplace for longer and longer and in the end you won't be able to get back in at the level you were at.

He sounds as though he looked down on you when you didn't have much money - well, shame on him. You were doing a tough job looking after yourself and your son with no help from your ex partner and he looks down on you? Fuck him, I say.

Protect yourself - get yourself a job, get yourself a home for you and your child and don't depend on the kindness of this man. It's a facade.

Grumpyoldblonde · 27/02/2018 16:15

I meant did you own it or was it social housing? I wondered what you gave up to mover in with this guy.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 27/02/2018 16:21

Were you planning to wait until your son was adult before you married, then?

Is this bloke much older than you? He's retired and wants one kind of life (aka a housekeeper who doesn't even have redundancy rights) and you sound like you'd be happier in the workplace. Even in Britain today you'd have more rights in the workplace than this bugger would give you, working for him.

Original poster
MCBK · 27/02/2018 16:30

MyBrilliantDisguise: just the verbal shake I needed and confirmation that I need to be sending out CVs and not bother writing him a long letter. He is older than I am and we were going to wait a few more years because of his finances but the truth is this whole situation is making me so stressed.

I know I am making him sound horrible but he did help me a great deal with legal fees I needed regarding my ex-husband

Grumpyoldblonde: I rented

OP posts:
GrumpyOldBlonde · 27/02/2018 16:34

Good, I'm glad you didn't give up a SH for him.

You don't exactly make him sound horrible but you should be able to speak to a partner about something as fundamental as money. The way you have described the situation makes it sound that he's not so much your partner as your owner - you live in his rented house and rely on handouts.

If he loves you and wants to marry you then he will have to accept you working, that would be the best thing to protect both you and your son.

DaphneduM · 27/02/2018 16:38

Poor you, it sounds terrible. It doesn't sound from your comments that you get any benefits from this relationship - emotional or financial support. Maybe get yourself back to work and then think about whether you believe you have a happy future with this man. Just because he's retired doesn't mean that your life has to mirror his. You still have a lot of living to do, I would set the wheels in motion to improve things for you and your son.

FastCar26 · 27/02/2018 16:44

Your son is still young. Who is going to pay for driving lessons, first car, gap year, university, holidays and anything else that you want like hobbies, holidays, savings? He currently has all the power and has left you with none. You are essentially living in a 'guilded cage'. Suggest it's better to be in control and free !