Anyone else in debt due to depression and can't pay them.. I see no way out and feel suicidal.. please no judgment

[needtogetfit]

So I have a lot of debt.. I'm a SAHM. My husband works full time. About 4 years ago I racked up so much debt. Before that I had no debt. Something changed me 5 years ago..I don't know what but I suddenly became unhappy and depressed and lonely so I ended up buying things to make me happy and I was expected to cover all food shopping which I couldn't manage with just child tax and child Ben on my own. So out came the credit card. Also my husband was chatting to girls online and cheated On me and i just fell into depression. Also I always worried about running out of food so would buy loads to make sure my kids had enough because as a child we were always without food because my mum and step dad spent their money on booze. I think it's the trauma from all this that's made me like this. My husband didn't help much financially when we needed something. Like say when my kids needed new beds or a new wardrobe or if I wanted to buy some furniture for the living room he wouldn't help because it 'wasn't necessary' so I got out catalogues and credit cards to pay for these things. I was managing the repayments from our tax credits but eventually it got too much and it went to the courts to CCJs and everything. Now they are all coming through the door and I'm panicking. Some have accepted £1 a week until I can find employment ( but it's hard with no help from anyone for childcare and it's all left in my shoulders') and with my anxiety and depression I'm struggling. I feel ashamed and stupid and I have felt suicidal over it.. has anyone ever been in massive debt and still able to enjoy life?

Have you spoken to anyone about this? Have you sought support to get things straightened out and manageable? Have you stopped spending? Does your DH know?
I strongly suggest you speak to a debt support agency, they can help You unravel this. You can do it. One step at a time, you'll feel so much better once you can see the situation can be under control. It may take a hell of a long time to pay off, but you can do it if you seek support.

How much do you owe? There is an organisation that's called step change I think, which can help you through managing this.

@Gazelda thank you

Yes I have stopped spending. I have no means of credit now and I don't want any. I would never do it again even though my depression is at it's highest now I'm trying to deal with it alone. I have not been to any debt charities because I'm too ashamed for the mess I've got myself into. I've been to the doctor with anxiety symptoms but just get thrown anti depressants that I'm scared of taking due to being anxious about how they will make me feel!

No judgement here Op

As previous poster said, you can contact 'Step Change' - details below - read their website first then contact them, in whatever way is best for you.
Make sure you have all your financial details with you (no matter how big or small or how many) when you do as it helps them to deal with your finances.
They will go through everything with you and work out a payment plan for you to offer your creditors.

They do not judge either.

StepChange Debt Charity - Free Expert Debt Advice.
www.stepchange.org/

I would second speaking to stepchange or CAB could advise. Does your husband know the extent of the debts? Would he be sympathetic?

Hello

Thanks again

No my husband would not be sympathetic, he would be very judgemental and would give me a hard time.

I'm worried about bailiffs coming aswell. If balifffs do some can they take furniture like wardrobes and chest of drawers/ book shelf's and stuff like that? I'm worried they will clear my house completely and I will have nothing. I don't have anything luxury but would they clear my whole house as it wouldn't even cover the debt

OP, please don't try to shoulder this burden alone. The old saying is true - a problem shared is a problem halved.
Go back to your GP and tell her that you've not been taking the medication, and the reason why. Maybe there are alternatives.
And tell your GP about your debt, also that you don't feel able to tell your DH.
Call Step Change today, it will be a positive step to get this situation under control, it will ease your fears.
You can do this.

Stepchange are brilliant, please ring them. Their aim is to sort things out for you, not tell you off! And they will do all the negotiations with the lenders for you, and recommend what course of action is best for you. All free.

OP StepChange are brilliant and won’t judge you. They will also deal with all the creditors for you if you wish. Also have a look at the Money Saving Expert website there is a good forum on there called “Debt Free Wannabe” it’s a very supportive and friendly forum and you will get good advice from the posters on there

don't be ashamed - these charities are there to help and will be happy to help.

your useless husband is the one who should be ashamed. They are his kids too, he's married to you.

BTW the debt free forums show people who have got rid of huge debts, it can be done and there's no reason you can't do it too. It will take time but you will get there. I wish you the very best.

Hi there needtogetfit
A problem shared is a problem halved.
You have taken the first step.
We do not judge
and Stepchange and the CAB certainly do not.

Talk to Stepchange urgently as they will help you notify all of your creditors properly and make sure the bailiffs do not come to the door.

First thing :
What do you owe?
Write down the exact details of all cards and loans and overdrafts you have

• amount, interest rate, lender, finish date if you know it.

Next, swap all credit and store cards to the Standing Order Trick
details of it are on several debt threads on this board and the mechanism is on the Spreadsheets Thread

But do not try to do this alone.
Getting out of debt is bloody hard and takes time
but by golly its worth it.

Tell us any of the random stuff that you need to to get your head into the right place
and your bank balance will follow.

I was expected to cover all food shopping which I couldn't manage with just child tax and child Ben

Op your DH sounds financially abusive - do you have access to joint money and his salary, why are you having to pay for shopping from tax credits and child benefit alone? Did you tell him you couldn't manage, or did you know he just wouldn't help?

If you have no access to any joint funds then you really need to be talking to womens aid about being financially abused.

You are a family, he needs to be paying for his family's needs from his salary.

As for the debts, take on board other posters' comments, but also remember that you probably wouldn't have got into this position if you had access to family money.

Hi. I volunteer at Citizens Advice and we see people in your position all the time. Have a look at the debt section on our website - citizensadvice.org.uk It's really good and is what we use when advising clients. It will set out the options available to you which will depend on how much you owe. There is a way out of the debt.

Just noticed that you said that bailiffs might be coming soon. You need to get on to this and sort it ASAP. A Debt Relief Order might be a good option if you owe under 20k. It's cheaper than applying for bankruptcy and after 12 months the debts are written off. The CAB would help you apply for one. We do this all the time but you need to get help ASAP to avoid bailiffs etc.

Good advice already given so just a Good Luck.

No judgment here.
I don't know anyone who hasn't been on their arse at some point in life.
Whatever the reason.
Make the first moves, you can get there.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/credit-cards/mental-health-guide

A few links on MSE.

@kath6144

He said it's my responsibility to pay for the shopping out of the child tax and child Ben because he can't 'pay for everything' I also pay for the council tax ( It's £91 per month so have to save £22.75 roughly every week for that)
I pay for gas and electricity as well as water and the internet bill and my daughters phone bill which is £9.00 a month ( she needs one as she's in high school) I pay my own mobile bill as well. I don't know how I manage to do all this to be honest. I don't have access to his wages. He has his own account and I have my own account and he transfers the monthly rent into my account to pay the rent. He then uses his wage to pay for the car stuff ( which he needs for work) and his other bills.
He does give me money now and again to help with the gas and electric but it's mostly me that pays it. I thought this was normal and that most woman use their child tax to pay for these things if they are not working and the man then pays for the rent out of his wages. I feel in a lesser of a position than him because I'm not working and I feel I can't demand what he does with his money because he works for it

You have 2 issues -
the spiral of debt and depression
A financially abusive h

I suspect if you got rid of the second you might find the first easier to face. Are they his children too, if so he should pay towards them, CMS would certainly think so. Can you face ringing or emailing a charity like Stepchange, Christians in Poverty, Money Advice Service or make an appointment with CAB or similar. They can stop your creditors visiting and set up payment plans on your behalf, or failing that discuss bankruptcy or other options. Meanwhile a call to Women's Aid may help you discuss the relationship and offer support.

Good luck

Most people single or married have to pay rent bills and food out of their wages. Can’t just pay rent and have half left off to play with!
Just think what % of his income does he have? Why are you spending over 100% just doing the very basics? No wonder you have got into debt providing essentials.

Am I reading correctly that he only pays for the rent? And you pay for everything else for the family?
Have you ever sat down together to work out how much money you have coming in in total, and what both your outgoings are in total & then work out how the money should be split so everything is covered?

You are in a partnership. Yes, he works out of the home for money, but you are equally working looking after the children in the home. You are each supporting your family, so the money should be jointly held. One person shouldn't be struggling to cover food/clothes/furniture/bills while the other has ££ for their own stuff. That isn't how it works in any of the families I know where one person earns the wages.

And I'm also so sorry you've got yourself into a tangle with debt. You can absolutely sort it out with any of the excellent organisations already mentioned up thread. There won't be any judgement. I can completely understand why you were spending to make yourself feel better as well as just trying to cover the basics.

Do go back to the GP to talk about how you're feeling, because it sounds like there's lots there in your past that working through might really help your present.

You sound very self-aware to me, and strong (sounds like you've survived a difficult childhood to say the least) so I think that you can totally call step change, or Christians against poverty or the CAB, and get in touch with your GP.
Think of how relieved you'll be when
The debt is sorted.

Do you think you could contact them today OP?
Will you let us know how you get on?

I feel I can't demand what he does with his money because he works for it

Oh you work just as much as he does my lovely. You're a SAHM - and I bet you do all the cooking, cleaning, childcare, GP visits, and the rest. I also bet his work stops the second he leaves his place of work, yet yours is constant from the moment you wake, until you drop back into bed.

Having read all your posts I truly think he's using your debts to guilt trip you into this financial abuse.

All the money - and I mean ALL of it - that goes into your home through wages, benefits etc should go into a communal pot, of which you both have full access to. All bills should be paid out of that first, and then, whatever is left over and ONLY if there is anything left over, should be shared equally between you both.

You've got a lot of advice information to go through, and it will take some time to absorb it all fully. But honestly, he IS being financially abusive towards you, and I hope you can find the strength from somewhere to take this on and deal with it too.

You've got this thread, so please use it Op. You have friends here.

Please talk to Stepchange, they are an excellent charity.

You are being financially abused.

Your contributing just as much as he is to the home, just not in a way that can easily be measured in a monetary way- though, how much would he have to pay to hire a nanny, cook, cleaner if you weren't there?

He is abusing you, and the children. Normal marriages/partnerships are not like this.

I also agree with others that this sounds like financial abuse. Would recommend you chat to Women’s Aid. Or alternatively chat to a GP, they will be very understanding of how this is affecting your mental health.
In fact as you are feeling suicidal you really should talk to a GP. I am so glad I opened up to a GP when I was feeling suicidal, they were so supportive and non judgemental