Stepparent financial obligations for one off expenses like holidays

[andy08006]

I’m new to Mumsnet so hello everyone. I would be grateful for advice on how others deal with the issue of new DPs or second spouses contributing to costs of things like holidays with children.

Since my divorce, I have been in a 10 year relationship with my DP. We are fortunate to have good jobs. We decided not to get married and since she is American and has independent assets in the US, have always kept our financial arrangements separate to make everything simple. I earn about 15% more than she does but my maintenance and childcare obligations more or less equalise our income. So we go through life paying 50:50.

(I’m in the unusual position of living in Europe. Every two weeks, I fly home for the weekend and have my 2 DDs from my ex. So that is what I meant by ‘childcare obligations’’. Maintenance is paid on top of my travel and accommodation and "everything else kids” costs)

I have always paid quite a bit more than the statutory amount in maintenance and so I have no issues with my ex-wife who has remained a good friend. I consider myself one of the good guys in this regard and I have striven to maintain a strong relationship with my kids throughout the last ten years.

I have never asked my DP to contribute anything to their day-to-day upkeep. But we have recently had quite an upsetting argument (for me) about the cost of our recent holiday. I completely understand that they are my kids, not hers, and that it would be unreasonable to ask her to pay for their upkeep when they don’t live with us. But I had thought that holidays, when we are effectively operating as a family, would be a different.

In previous years, I proposed and she accepted a 66:33 split (where I paid 66%) of the costs of hotels, restaurants, car hire and activities. I always paid 100% for the kids’ flights and gift items like clothing.

This year, mid holiday, she asserted she only wanted to pay 25%, basically her share as an individual, which hurt me quite a bit. On the one hand, literally speaking, she’s right that she has no obligation to pay any of their expenses. But on the other hand, which is my view, if that’s the case, it could be anyone on holiday with us, and since we earn the same amount of money when you deduct my parental costs, it doesn’t seem unreasonable to suggest that the benefit (emotionally) for her and them of sharing and contributing time with us as my DP, is worth more than a literal quarter share financially. I’m still paying for their travel costs from the UK; we’re just talking about expenses ‘on the ground’.

I’ve accepted this situation at face value because I hate arguing and I hate arguing about money in particular. But I do feel quite hurt inside as obviously, if I am having to factor in 75% of the costs, it is a gamechanger in the future in terms of the things we can consider doing. We will do less, and have fewer options, than if my DP paid a little extra so we could all, collectively, have more fun. And the fact that she sees herself as a financial independent rather than someone who is helping to support the family when we are together is hard for me. I understand that circumstances mean we’re not really a family in the literal sense of living together, but having worked hard over the years to include her and make the kids feel she is a part of their lives, I feel a bit let down. It certainly spoilt (for me) the last few days of our holiday and left me feeling deflated.

That’s how it seems to me, but how do other stepparents and families approach this difficult situation? Am I the unreasonable one?

This all sounds incredibly petty. You are arguing over 8% of the holiday cost??? I don't know what kind of holidays you are talking about but if you are taking your children on 3+ holidays a year and her contribution of 25% rather than 33% is a "game changer" and affecting your ability to do things with the children, maybe cut back on the holidays?! No-one needs three holidays a year and this money is obviously not the difference between your children being able to have an annual holiday or no holiday at all. It also feels disingenuous for you to say that this will reduce your options for holidays. If a holiday is costing e.g. £4,000 then she is proposing to pay £1,000 to your £3,000. What you want is for her to pay £1,320 instead. If that £300 is going to make such a difference to your holiday, then you can't afford the holiday anyway! If the holidays are costing more than that, then the same equally applies. If the holidays are costing less than that, then you are having a laugh trying to pretend that this is making a financial difference.

The OP pays for all major holiday expenses for hie childreb such as hotel, flights and travel between both. When on holiday they split the costs of every day things 66:33, a £30 meal used to cost the OP £20 and his partner £10, now she wants to pay £7.50 while he pays £22.50, which is a big difference.

I couldn't imagine spending 10 years with someone and then them deciding they only want to pay for themselves when we go out somewhere. My OH has never insisted that he only pay for himself and not my DS, it would seem quite petty.

I can understand why it would become too expensive for OP to do things his partner may want to do on holiday when he is paying for 75% of the cost and they, as a group, may not be able to. Partner either helps out or does it herself, which defeats a family holiday.