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Child's pension - am i unreasonable!

82 replies

confuseddaddotcom1 · 02/01/2017 19:05

Hi, my wife died 5 years ago and left me 2 children to look after. We managed financially even though I still had a mortgage to pay and the children never went without. The children are receiving a fixed amount (approx £40) from my late wife's pension which she paid into and this goes directly into a bank account for the children. I eventually found someone else and she has 2 children, we eventually moved in together and had an extension built to give all 4 children a bedroom. We have the odd argument but overall things are good. But there is always an underlying issue, which is the money that the children receive each month into their bank account, it causes bad feeling and arguments. My partners children do not receive any money direct into their accounts from either our side of their family or their dads. They do however see this dad every 2 weeks and get taken out for meals, have holidays, receive birthday and Christmas presents, etc. But we still do not receive any maintenance for them. Now my daughter is 16 and has access to her account, she regularly buys herself clothes (once a month) and my son's money is still is in the account. My view is that the money they receive is from their mum, for extra presents, meals and holidays they do not and will never receive, but my partner sees this differently. She feels her children are the ones that are being disadvantaged. Am I just missing the point or is my partner being unreasonable??

OP posts:
confuseddaddotcom1 · 02/01/2017 19:34

Wow, I didn't expect this response. Thank you. She/we are chasing the maintenance from her daughter's dad. We're up to about £3000 owed. I take the children to school 3 days out of 5, pick them up twice a week and do plenty round the house. I am not trying to be unreasonable, £10 per week is no compensation for loosing a mother, should we match the amount in a separate bank account for her children or would that become unfair on my children? Or should their dad set something up for he children?

OP posts:
scrivette · 02/01/2017 19:35

It's almost unbelievable that someone could be that callous to begrudge your children their entitlement to their child's pension! I would not be impressed if I were you!

Joinourclub · 02/01/2017 19:39

Urgh what a disgusting attitude. Their mother is dead. DEAD. She will not see them graduate, marry, have children of their own. She is not their to hold their hand when things get tough, to cheer when things are good. So what, they get 40 quid a month. Big fucking deal. She really needs to get over this. What if their mother was alive and giving them £40 a month. Would they have to share it then?

JustSpeakSense · 02/01/2017 19:42

Her children do not get £40 a month as they do not have a dead parent.

What their father gives them has nothing to do with your children. What your late wife gave her children has nothing to do with your wife's children either.

SparkleShinyGlitter · 02/01/2017 19:46

The money your children receive is from there dead mother, seriously if your partner can't grasp that she has a heart of stone

If she wants money for her children's bank account I suggest you asks the father for maintenance

Squeegle · 02/01/2017 19:52

Your partner needs to explain to her children why your DCs are getting this money. Her attitude is probably contributing to this bad feeling. All DCs need to learn that life is not equal, we all have some disadvantages and we all have some benefits. she sounds a bit unhinged to tell the truth. That is such a strange attitude

Ipsie · 02/01/2017 19:55

It would be unfair if YOU put money into an account for your step child and didn't do the same for your children. You are not giving your children that money. If the father of your step child wants to put money in an account for then that would be fine and fair. But it should not come from the house finances. That would be unfair.

louisejxxx · 02/01/2017 19:58

What is the outcome that she wants exactly?

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/01/2017 20:03

Ask her if she would rather her children have her with them or £40 per month.

I suspect that you already know the answer.

Her attitude sucks.

Bambamrubblesmum · 02/01/2017 20:05

Your partner is not covering herself in glory with her attitude.

You have no responsibility to make up for what her kids are missing out on from their dad.

The money is from their late mother to her children, it is nothing whatsoever to do with your partner.

Please do not be brow beaten into thinking you've done anything wrong.

I'd be looking at my partner in a new light if I were in your shoes.

kittybiscuits · 02/01/2017 20:06

Jesus - that's awful. Your partner is shocking.

AyeAmarok · 02/01/2017 20:10

Bloody hell. How do you even need to question this. Your new partner has certainly been bending your ear on this, eh.

No. You don't need to "even it up" by giving her DC £40 too. They have two parents. That your DP picked someone feckless who won't support his DC isn't your bereaved DC's fault.

Come on now, what do you think your late wife would say or think about this?

Nirvanababy · 02/01/2017 20:16

No, it's not up to you to compensate for the other kids. Your DW made provisions for her children, not the children of a future partner.
She sounds jealous grabby.

It's her responsibility to chase maintenance and her and the dad's responsibility to set up a savings acount for the children they had.

Thinkingblonde · 02/01/2017 20:50

She is being very unreasonable and grabby. The money was bequeathed to the children by their mother.
As others have already said, if your present wife thinks her two children are disadvantaged then she needs to apply for maintenance from their father, not take it from the pockets of of your children.
I hope you have made a will, protecting your children's share of any inheritance you may leave them. It's not unknown for a surviving spouse to cut stepchildren out if no will is in place.

mirokarikovo · 02/01/2017 20:56

Your partner is being very unreasonable. This money is not household money. The disadvantage of losing a mother so young will affect the children for their whole lives. The other children have two parents. There can never be equality of circumstances between them. Money doesn't buy happiness but there is no sense at all in equalising financially to bring the children with two parents to the same income as the children who are receiving this pension.

TimeToChangeFor2017 · 02/01/2017 20:58

She is disgusting. How can you bear to be around someone who thinks like this?

TaggieRR · 02/01/2017 21:01

I can't believe your wife, her attitude is despicable. Your poor children have lost their mother. Am sure they would happily pass over their £40 if it would mean they could have their mum back. I'm surprised this doesn't colour your opinion of her. I personally think she sounds an insensitive, self absorbed horror. I hope your will protects your dc as I could see them being cut out if you died and everything went to your wife.

TaggieRR · 02/01/2017 21:02

Cross posted with Thinkingblonde. Please seriously consider your will if you haven't already.

DeleteOrDecay · 02/01/2017 21:02

Wow your current wife doesn't come across well at all. She is being completely unreasonable, your children are disadvantaged because they have lost their mum, no amount of money can make up for that.

She needs to chase maintenance from her ex if she feels her children are losing out. It's him who should foot that bill, not you.

TimeToChangeFor2017 · 02/01/2017 21:03

She's not even his current wife, DeleteOrDecay!

SheSparkles · 02/01/2017 21:06

I don't think I could be with a partner who thinks this way

Patriciathestripper1 · 02/01/2017 21:07

That is your children's gift from their mother.
Absolutely nothing to do with your new wife. Do you complain when their dad buys her kids presents or takes them for treats?
Sorry but you need to make it clear it is their gift from their mum. She needs to leave it well alone.

TimeToChangeFor2017 · 02/01/2017 21:09

OP, do you think you went into this new relationship a bit too quickly? She doesn't sound very nice at all. What do your children think of her?

TaggieRR · 02/01/2017 21:11

Sorry I should have said partner not wife didn't rtft properly!

memyselfandaye · 02/01/2017 21:13

Tell her to give her kids £1.42 a day, just like your kids Mum does, then they will be "even", except of course they have two living parents.

I'm sure your kids would give up their allowance in a heartbeat if it meant they could have their Mum back.