Benefits and food bank help please- I'm so lost and alone, i don't know what to do

[PracticallyUnperfect]

Hi I’m sorry for posting but I really don’t know what to do or who to turn to.
My partner left me and our daughter just over a month ago after we had an argument, I’d found out about his gambling habit and just couldn’t take any more lies. Anyway, we’ve been left with nothing, we had to move into emergency accommodation 2 weeks ago because there’s no social housing in my area, and I’ve no idea how to apply for benefits or allowances as my partner did it all.

The council has done the housing and council tax benefits for the emergency accommodation but I’ve no idea about who to speak to about financial help as I don’t have any credit to call the 0345 number.

I just feel so alone and sad all the time. Please don’t judge but I had to call Samaritans twice today because I feel like I’m on the brink of losing it all. My daughter has just turned 3 and I feel like such a failure to her she even calls me “bad mum” and tantrums when I ask her to do something, which ultimately ends up with me in tears. I’m tying my hardest to get a job, I’m looking for at least 5 hours a day, sending in CVs literally everywhere I can, and I had an interview today as a waitress in a local restaurant.

I know it’s all my fault that the relationship ended and I know I should have kept quiet until the new year, at least we’d have a home, food and money but I just couldn’t do it anymore. Am I such a bad mother? Because I really do feel like it right now. I feel like the world’s worst mum and a failure as a woman. I'm so scared my daughter will be taken away from me. I couldn't live if that was the case.

Anyway, sorry to bum you all out but who can I speak to about benefits and how do I go about getting help from a food bank? It’s got to the point that if I pay for food, then I can’t buy the electric to cook it. Or I can heat the house and have light, but I’m not eating for a few days (I have food for my daughter, I will always make sure she has food to eat even if I have to steal it). I get the child tax credit into my bank every week so at least there's £50 a week for her needs.

I literally hate myself and what I’ve done to me and my daughter for my partner leaving, my life was never planned to be this way. I thought my partner was the love of my life, I gave up everything for him, work, family, friends, I even moved away from everyone I knew and a good job to be with him. I know this is all my fault and I’m paying for it now, I’m such a failure.

Who gets the child benefit?

Speak to cab if you can get an appt they will help you apply for benefits

How old is your DD?

Health visitor can refer you to a food band

Can you ask a friend or family member to help?

What area are you in roughly?

What happened to your previous housing? He left you and two weeks later you went into emergency housing? How did that happen?

Can you go and see your named housing adviser for signposting?

Oh gosh,poor you. First things first,this is not your fault,your ex had a gambling problem and left you and your daughter to fend for yourself,how could his wrong decisions possibly be your fault? So the blame needs to stop now. Your daughter can sense it and she'll pick up on it. I repeat NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

Secondly,you say you moved away from everyone you knew. Is there anyway you could go back there for a while until you get back on your feet. It would prob do you and your daughter some good.

If that's not an option,I would suggest going to the job centre tomorrow and explain you are looking for work and want to claim JSA. It's been a few years since I claimed it but you can do it online I think,if you have the internet. If not,they should be able to point you in the right direction. I would imagine they would be ablw to help you with foodbanks as well. Then find your nearest CAB and go to them to find out how to apply for any benefits you are entitled to.

Lastly,you need to look after yourself. If you don't,your daughter will suffer. She doesn't need £50 a week,I would imagine that could cover both of you for food and electric and gas for a week. Are you getting child benefit.

Just to reiterate,you are not a bad person or mother. Your daughter is going through upheaval and hitting out at you cos you're the one there. Trust me,you can't see it now but your life will become much better than if you'd stayed with someone hiding their gambling habits.

Sending hugs and reassurance that you are strong enough to cope with this.

Does your local council have an advice service? If not get to a cab drop in asap.

Sorry, i wasn't expecting so many replies, it's a bit over-whelming so i'm just going to write my answers as short ones if that's ok.

My partner gets the child benefit as he said it was only fair he get something as i was going to get the child tax credits for her.

My daughter is 3 now.

I'm living near Blaenau Ffestiniog in North Wales

I've no family and friends, my family don't speak to me anymore. They stopped when i moved away to be with my partner and i just didn't click with anyone in the new area. When i did meet someone, i'd just get constant accusations so it was easier to keep away from people.

My previous home was owned by one of his relatives. When he found out we had broken up, he left all my stuff in the back garden and changed the locks while i was out. He's a big man too, very intimidating so i didn't want to make a fuss over it.

I'll go and speak to the housing advisor tomorrow if she's in and i'll pop into the CAB on Thursday to make an appointment (it's only open on the Thursday). I'll go to my local job center tomorrow too.

My daughter has special dietary needs (no milk, eggs, lamb, palm oil) so it gets quite expensive food wise for her, the doctor said she will out grow it though so it's not a forever thing, thank goodness.

Thank you so much for all of your replies, it truly does mean a lot to me

If you are the main carer for your daughter you are entitled to both the child benefit and any child tax credits so I would get that one sorted straight away. Just let them know that you have split and daughter now living solely with you (I assume this is the case). Definitely raise this with job centre and CAB if you need help with sorting this. (Child benefit isn't some sort of bonus payment for impregnating someone )

Hope you manage to get some help, have lots of hugs with your lovely DD

You need to claim the child benefit for your DD.

They sound like horrible bullies.

Hi OP,

The job centre will let you use their phone to call Child Benefit and as you have a child under 5 you can claim Income Support (74/week).

You need to get the child benefit into your name pronto though as I imagine this needs to be in place prior to getting Income Support.
I think you are already getting Child Tax Credit? Make sure you inform them you are now a single parent and not working etc.

Food bank - ask your Health Visitor for a voucher. Mine asks about dietary requirements etc so you should still get help.

Healthy Start vouchers for 3.10/week towards milk/fruit/veg will also help. Ask the HV for a form for this as well. Very easy to apply.

Go straight to the job centre and tell them you need help applying. They will try and give you a phone number. Tell them you need assistance. They should let you use the phone or computer there. Check with the local council. They might have a crisis grant option. These used to be job centre but changed to the local council a few years ago however they are different in each area. If they don't they will have a welfare rights department. They can advise and refer you for a food parcel. If all else fails ask the council to put you on touch with social work. Don't be frightened they will help. Again they can sort out a food parcel.

You should be able to claim income support as your daughter is not 4 yet they will not expect you to be looking for a job until she's 4. The job centre or CAB will advise you.

Take along as much paper work as you have for ID bank details child birth etc so they can start claim ASAP. While you are there do ask about food back referrals as it will take time for benefits to kick in so it will be worth having food bank voucher if things get tight. I woulnt wait until you haven't eat for days , do it before hand. You will need tax credits for other essentials and like you say cooking and heating. That's why it is there.

Hi all,

While we aren't accusing anyone of anything - we wanted to hop on to remind that we advise all our members to be aware that not everyone on t'internet is who they say they are, and that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Ok it's called discretionary fund in north wales. Here is some info. You can apply online

Just a thought. You say that your family cut you off when you moved to be with your now-ex. Do you think the fact that you are now split up with him might change things? If they didn't like him or didn't approve of him, they may be happy to hear from you now.

You don't have anything to lose by trying to contact them. You may have to hear 'I told you so' but that's nothing if it means you'll have their support going forward.

Definitely CAB or is there a Benefit Advice shop near?

Absolutely what readannie said.

Yeah you NEED to be claiming the child benefit OP or you're screwed. Sort that out tomorrow.

Hi, thank you for your advice, sorry for taking so long to reply.

He put the child benefit in his name and the child tax credits in both our names. The child benefit went into his bank and the child tax credits went into my account. Who do i need to ring to get the child benefit in my name or would he need to ring to change it over? Now i'm worried i'll lose my child tax credits :(

I'll be going into the job center tomorrow morning to ask them to help me with the benefits, i've never applied for them before so i've no idea what to do, and i'll apply for the discretionary fund now. Thank you for the link, i never even knew about it.

Unfortunately my family don't even talk to me now and haven't done since my daughter was born. When i told them all i was pregnant, all i got was "oh, that's nice" and i've not heard from them since. I've no credit on my phone either to call them, i don't think i have the energy right now.

I should have just left things as they were, he always said if i left, it would be the end of me. This just proves it :( I'm not going to hurt myself and i have no intention to either, i just can't believe this is my life right now. I've already had to return the few Christmas presents i could salvage when my stuff was thrown out, i can't wait for Christmas to be over. I feel so ashamed and worthless and guilty at my own stupidity.

Sorry for moaning and bringing a downer on your evening. Thank you for listening to me x

There should Be lots of organisations that can support you and get you referred to a food bank etc:

• cab (citizens advice bureau)
• health visitor/GP
• women's aid
• local authority (mine would definitely signpost and put you in touch with the right people)

Ask for support from all these places. They will be able to help.

Your library should also have free internet access

Anyone that says that practically is not worth the time of day. You can do this, get it together for yourself and your DD and start to build your new life Show her there is a better life out there for you both without being dependent on such a low-life. There are charities that can help you get back on your feet too, especially with emotional support-The food bank referrals can often help with finding these. accept all the help you can get now, (don't be worried about doing this, you can pay it back to others in a few years when you are back on your feet again and in a position to help others). Make the best Christmas you can, Ask at the CAB if there's anywhere with something on you can walk to in order to brighten the day up- churches are open for services and can be festive and welcoming even if you aren't a usual attender.

You made the right decision. Everything else can be sorted out. Just one foot in front of the other and things will improve.

Yep, totally echo what Slightlyperturbedowlagain said, you will be stronger after this. It's just unfortunate you have to go through it alone, what about friends from back home?

It sounds to me like your ex was emotionally and financially abusive, please don't believe that crap he told you, you were a victim.

Also, you may want to drop in on some churches, the people who run them can be really helpful at times like this. And I say this as an atheist!