Benefits and food bank help please- I'm so lost and alone, i don't know what to do

[PracticallyUnperfect]

Hi I’m sorry for posting but I really don’t know what to do or who to turn to.
My partner left me and our daughter just over a month ago after we had an argument, I’d found out about his gambling habit and just couldn’t take any more lies. Anyway, we’ve been left with nothing, we had to move into emergency accommodation 2 weeks ago because there’s no social housing in my area, and I’ve no idea how to apply for benefits or allowances as my partner did it all.

The council has done the housing and council tax benefits for the emergency accommodation but I’ve no idea about who to speak to about financial help as I don’t have any credit to call the 0345 number.

I just feel so alone and sad all the time. Please don’t judge but I had to call Samaritans twice today because I feel like I’m on the brink of losing it all. My daughter has just turned 3 and I feel like such a failure to her she even calls me “bad mum” and tantrums when I ask her to do something, which ultimately ends up with me in tears. I’m tying my hardest to get a job, I’m looking for at least 5 hours a day, sending in CVs literally everywhere I can, and I had an interview today as a waitress in a local restaurant.

I know it’s all my fault that the relationship ended and I know I should have kept quiet until the new year, at least we’d have a home, food and money but I just couldn’t do it anymore. Am I such a bad mother? Because I really do feel like it right now. I feel like the world’s worst mum and a failure as a woman. I'm so scared my daughter will be taken away from me. I couldn't live if that was the case.

Anyway, sorry to bum you all out but who can I speak to about benefits and how do I go about getting help from a food bank? It’s got to the point that if I pay for food, then I can’t buy the electric to cook it. Or I can heat the house and have light, but I’m not eating for a few days (I have food for my daughter, I will always make sure she has food to eat even if I have to steal it). I get the child tax credit into my bank every week so at least there's £50 a week for her needs.

I literally hate myself and what I’ve done to me and my daughter for my partner leaving, my life was never planned to be this way. I thought my partner was the love of my life, I gave up everything for him, work, family, friends, I even moved away from everyone I knew and a good job to be with him. I know this is all my fault and I’m paying for it now, I’m such a failure.

Thank you guys, it means a lot me that you've taken time out of your evening to talk to me.

I'm going to the job center and the council tomorrow to see what help i can get. Life moves on, this is just the first step in a new kind of life for us. I've worked since i was 14 (i'm 26 now) and was working up to last year when my (now ex) partner said he'd look after all of us and i could spend time with my daughter and at home. Going onto benefits scares me, i don't want people to think i'm a worthless parent. I don't understand the stigma of people on benefits, but somehow people still think they can get away with be mean and not knowing the full story of why people are on benefits. I'm hoping i can find a job soon though, i enjoyed working and keeping busy is my way of coping.

Thanks so much everyone, you've made me feel like i'm not alone and your advice has been invaluable

Wonderstuff, i think i'm starting to see it now. It makes more sense now i know he's got a gambling addiction. If he had all the money and the bank accounts, it means i couldn't know how much he was spending

Yep, definitely financially and emotionally abusive, it seems to be he saw things weren't great with your family and took advantage. Have a look at Women's Aid, you'll prob be amazed at how many signs your recognize now.

Good luck, you are doing the right thing, please take care of yourself and let us know how you get on. Just remember, you are climbing up out of a dark hole, but you are going towards the light.

Oh, and if I can give you one piece of advice for the future...never beholden to anyone (male, female, partner, family member) for your financial security. Always rely on yourself xxx

Ok so 1. This is not your fault, yes you made the decision to move and live with him but families are arseholes so forget them, yes call them and see if they can help but if they're anything like mine you'll just get excuses and that's fine, screw them! 2, get child benefit changed, that's for your LO, not him. Seek advice for the rest, call your health visiting team, they will help with food bank and will be able to help with the other stuff too! Also don't be scared of social services, if they do come knocking they will also be able to help if you explain everything to them. I know this is all scary, I've been there but you can do this!!! I was in a similar situation now I work full time and look after my little one all on my own (obviously she's in childcare whilst I'm at work but I can't be in 2 places at once) my LO is also 3 and today said mummy you don't buy me anything, I had to try and explain to her that I spend all the penny's on the house and food and although she doesn't understand fully, something clicked. I know you're in a jam but seriously you will be and can be ok, have a good cry, definitely eat, even if it's beans on toast every day, your LO needs you and if you're poorly from not eating she will suffer. There's help out there, it's hard but ask for it. Xxx

Who looked after your daughter when you worked previously? Would they be worth contacting to assist at all?

Please make use of the www.turn2us.org.uk/ before going to Citizens Advice. It is a very useful site including a benefits calculator you can use.

OP I live in gwynedd also, so I would suggest calling into the jobcentre in porthmadog tommorow, and I'd call the council on the caernarfon number not the dolgellau number if both are provided.

Do you own your own transport which would make it a lot easier?

Leaving him was not the end of you, it was the beginning, a chance for a happy future that you never had with him. Now there is no-one bullying and undermining you and holding you back. It will be hard but you will make it through this difficult time. You have done a great thing breaking free from him, for you and your DD.

I hope you get some good advice OP you sound lovely and you are doing really well. Keep going.

Good advice here OP.

Where were you working before? Could they help?

Good luck today.

Do you have your child 7 nights a week? Can I suggest you write a diary stating contact with father plus note every text, communication etc with him. Also how dd is when she sees him.

If this 'man' is intent on making your life miserable you may need this.

If he destroyed your property you can report this to the police. You may think he will get mad if the police get involved and you'd prefer to be nice to him for a quiet life - however being nice to him won't make him nice back. A normal man would not destroy your belongings, keep child benefit and want his child to be destitute.

When you have child benefit in your name, claim cms immediately. Contact CTC regarding your change in circumstances (you get a fine if you don't). It is crazy he thinks child benefit is his - shows you how greedy and money orientated he is. I bet he hasn't given any money for dd.

Please contact women's aid - him keeping child benefit may help you evidence financial abuse - this may help you obtain legal aid. The church may help with a food bank. Our local women's aid assists with Xmas presents for children.

OP I'm not sure if BF is in a Communities First area, can you check? They will be able to help. But Families First should definitely be able to support with a referral-ask your HV.

You will be entitled to a higher tax credit award now you are a lone parent. You will also qualify for income support housing benefit and reduced council tax. Good luck op

Hi

You say u cant contact ur family coz no credit on phone. U can always write to them. Send them a card. A stamp is cheap.

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for all of your replies and advice.

I went to the job center and they've now put me onto income support. The woman was extremely nice with me as i just couldn't stop crying, she even took my daughter for a walk around the building while i tried to calm down. She called Child Benefit for me and Child Tax Credits for me to update them on the situation and has made me an appointment with an employment adviser so i can go through my CV with them. I really want to get back into work.

All my money will be sorted just after the new year which i'm happy about, i can go into the new year happy now. I'll also carry on getting my child tax credits every week, i was really worried that they would stop them with the change in circumstance, but i'll be receiving the same rate every week until the changes kick in.

I have a doctors appointment next Monday so i can get my food bank referral, i tried to get hold of the HV but just got the answer phone so if she doesn't get back to me this week then at least i'll be able to get a referral from the doctor next week.

The Job Center woman also said that i should talk to the doctor about how i'm feeling and to see if i can get medication for the anxiety and depression i'm feeling which i thought was quite considerate of her. I honestly thought they were going to be demons and would berate me for putting my daughter though this, but she was really nice to me.

Sorry it's such a late reply, i've just been so busy and so overwhelmed by today that it tired me out. Again, thank you so much for all of your support and advice. It has meant so much to me

Well done on going and getting that done. I am so pleased it was helpful.

Well done you should be very proud of yourself, the system is hard enough hen you are feel 199 I'm so glad it met some helpful people.

Let's hope money kicks in soon, good idea about the GP they are some things you can try that may help get you through this.

You're doing very well. Never again in your whole life stop full time work and believe the promises of men. They always let us down. I have always worked full time even with babies and I can tell you it's much much more secure than relying on men or relying on benefits. Never let a man con you into giving up full time work again and good luck with getting a new job.

it may not be very popular with people but you can get a lot of good food which is just thrown away if you know where to look.

Well done, you have done incredibly well today!

The woman at the job centre sounds like an angel in disguise.

Don't feel guilty for taking the help that is on offer, to help get you back on your feet. This is why it's there.

Thank you.

I was so scared, i honestly thought that i'd get there, SS would be called, daughter would be taken off me, i'd get arrested for neglect, thrown in prison and would never see my daughter again. My mind wouldn't stop!

Once the new year is here, hopefully things will have settled down finance wise and we can start looking for a new place to live. I'm extremely grateful that i have a roof over my head, i wouldn't wish this situation on anyone, but the people who live next to me are alcoholics and drug users so all we hear is them either having sex or beating the crap out of each other and upstairs really are no better. But for now, we have a roof, and i'm thankful i've not ended up in a hostel.

As for the ex (why is it still painful to say ex?) his mother phoned me this evening and pretty much called me every name under the sun. He doesn't want to know either of us from what i can tell, and i'm the reason he gambled and have since found out, cheated.

Even though i still miss him, and love him, i'm slowly getting to grips with it. He never was and never will be any good for us. The little one still hasn't asked where he is, i just hope she doesn't resent me later in life. I'll figure that out later though.

Anyway, enough of my ramblings because it's starting to turn into a "Dear Diary"!

Again, thank you for all of your advice and support. I've no idea what would happen or where i'd be without it. Thank you x

Well done. You might already know but you can get help with things like health costs such as dental care. Until you are awarded (e.g. emergency at the dentist tomorrow) you can apply under the Lancôme scheme. Once you have been awarded Income Support you tick a specific box and automatically get the full help that is available.

There are other things that might be covered once you are getting the benefit including local schemes for example my local council offers an adult swim for £2.80 rather than £3.60.

I didn't know that SingaSong12, thank you for that, that's really helpful as i need an eye test and i need to see the dentist too. Thank you

Check on MSE but there is a dry cleaning firm who will dry clean a suit for free for an unemployed person going for an interview.
Prescriptions will be free too.
Have you claimed housing benefit and council tax benefit?