Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Should I be paying for my girlfriends daughter?

85 replies

mb010203 · 05/12/2016 14:06

Some advice please as I am not sure what I should do about this. I have lived with my girlfriend for 3 years, her daughter lives with her granny as she does not get on with her mum. She is 17 years old and has had almost no contact with her dad in the past. Recently her dad has started getting into contact and wanting to see her again - he has paid no CSA in the past and owed £25000 in arrears, my girlfriend told him not to bother paying the arrears and closed the case recently. Her dad never offers any money for anything and I am expected to pay out even though she is not my kid. I have to pay, every month: £110 to her granny for living costs, £50 a month for her mobile, she gets around £30 a week out of me for spending money and she has even asked me to buy her a new passport. She does not work as she goes to college (and makes excuses for not getting a job). Her mum does not work as I work away from home quite a few months of the year and she comes with me - so she cannot keep a job as we are away travelling while I work around 6 months of the year. I worked out that her daughter is costing me around £400 a month, including petrol to take her/pick her up from college which is a 60 mile trip in total each time - going from home to college/to her granny's house/back home etc, up to 4 days a week. And as her mum does not work I also have all the house bills/food, and she smokes so I buy her cigarettes too or else she goes mental if she goes a day without any etc. And I pay the CSA for my own child. Anyone else experienced this and what do you do? Trying to get her dad to help, but he always says he has no money (but always out drinking at the weekends - something I cannot afford to do!)

OP posts:

flumpybear · 16/12/2016 07:44

You need
To talk to Your girlfriend about this otherwise it'll destroy your relationship . The child's father should be paying at least half of this, if you've decided the doesn't work so you can be together I can see
That perhaps you should discuss the costs to the child and her portion of this
I think it was wrong for your girlfriend to tell the father not to contribute - he should be and should pay the arrears too

ThatsWhatYouDo · 16/12/2016 07:44

Of course you shouldn't be paying for her! She sounds lazy and her father should be paying- why did she tell him not to bother? They sound a bit money grabbing to be honest.

EvenTheWind · 16/12/2016 07:54

Given there were £25k of arrears and the father has been appalling at contact, I imagine the GF despaired of ever getting it.

Didn't she talk to you about this all before quitting her job?

iamamickey · 16/12/2016 07:54

I'm aware we are only hearing one side of the story here and it does feel a bit "drip fed" however your girlfriend is the major Factor here!
She is using you for an easy life. Please wake up and see that. She's given up her job to travel with you so you work and you pay for her daughter whom she appears to take zero responsibility for!

I'd say unless you stand up to her and start saying no you will be bled dry and then she will move on to the next sucker.

She goes mad if you don't buy her cigarettes???? Seriously?????

zippey · 16/12/2016 08:09

Your girlfriend sounds like a user and a bit of a cocklodger. I would seriously rethink this relationship.

This is money you are giving and won't see again. Why are you giving money to someone else's child when you have a child already.

I would stop this right now and give the money you are currently giving this person to your child's mother.

doingitdifferentlytoday · 16/12/2016 08:54

On the bright side, she's almost 18. She'll be a legal adult then.

I would sit down with her mum and explain that at 18, her dad starts financing her future university course. Otherwise you'll be footing the bill for another 3-4 years longer.

If you are in a good income she's not going to qualify for grants for university and will be expecting you to top her up. It's going to get very expensive.

If she's looked at places already, its something you need to address urgently. She obviously already under the impression she's going to uni. And I'm assuming you haven't been asked if you financing her is going to continue. It will just be expected.

I think her mum getting some temporary work to help with the university fund might be an idea.
Her daughter should be doing this too, or taking a few years out to work up enough money to help fund her living expenses during uni.

You need to have this chat.
Hard one, sorry.

EvenTheWind · 16/12/2016 08:58

Doing makes a good point; as far as the grant body is concerned, your income may well be taken into account, though not sure how residence at gran's would come to bear on this.

Really, though, it is your partner you need to talk to, as she needs to go back to work if you are not willing to keep paying for DSD

blueskyinmarch · 16/12/2016 09:06

I am not sure that OP’s income would have any bearing on uni grants. The DD does not reside with him and he is not her parent. Her actual mum and dad would need to pay for any uni maintenance surely?

OP do you actually love your GF and do you see a long term future with her? It sounds like she and he family are taking massive advantage of you.

blueskyinmarch · 16/12/2016 09:10

Had a Google and it seems the OP might be financially liable if she wants to go to uni! Gov website

Oliversmumsarmy · 16/12/2016 09:11

How much do you love your gf. If you can't see being with anyone else then you are in for a very expensive time.

I as an outsider looking in think as soon as you mention anything about turning the money tap off you won't see your gf for dust.

I think if you weren't invited to go and look round unis then I would let your gf know you assume that sort of thing is nothing to do with you and ask her who she thinks is going to pick up the bill

viques · 16/12/2016 09:15

I think you have to decide whether or not being with your gf is worth the grief and resentment you have about supporting her family. If it is then suck it up, if not then leave.

mouldycheesefan · 16/12/2016 09:15

Mum was silly to close the case, she is effective timely saying that you will pay for her dd.
The dd has two parents. Neither pay anything for her, she is funded by you. It just doesn't seem right to me.
Why can't mum temp during the six months of the year when she is not travelling?
You are a meal ticket for mum, the dad and the dd.
No wonder you are fed up.

Oliversmumsarmy · 16/12/2016 09:22

I am presuming when you say you are travelling 6 months of the year it is 1 week here and then back in the office then 2 weeks somewhere else. Dp has a job similar to that where he travels 1 week in every 3

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 16/12/2016 09:33

She did work until I appeared, then decided she wanted to come along with me

She decided she didn't want to work and knew you'd support her, and her daughter.

You sound like you're being completely used. She is the equivalent of a cocklodger.,

FetchezLaVache · 16/12/2016 09:45

Agree with all the cocklodger comments. In particular, it would annoy the shit out of me if any partner of mine closed a CSA case without consulting me, on the assumption that I'd support the child in question.

But it also annoys me a bit that you seem so passive - the decision that GF would give up work and travel was foisted onto you, you just randomly ended up supporting the daughter, or paying for the former nuclear family to go and look round the university there's a massive assumption you'll be paying for. None of this just happened, you must have agreed to it all! You're an adult, you didn't just sleepwalk into this situation.

rollonthesummer · 16/12/2016 11:10

Why on earth have you agreed to all this? I struggle to see how some people find themselves in this situation!!

Viviennemary · 16/12/2016 13:45

I think it's time you distanced yourself from this pair of freeloaders. You are in no way obliged to give this girl handouts unless you wish to do so and it doesn't seem you do. They both sound as bad as each other. Entitled spongers.

ihatetosay · 17/12/2016 22:07

stop paying for her - your GF should get a job - the girls father should pay money should automatically go from his bank account IMO they are all taking the piss

Louw12345 · 29/12/2016 00:41

How did it even come about that you pay all that? I hate it when my boyfriend wants to take me and my children out for tea when he wants to pay. And I won't even let him pay for it all himself. I'm sorry you shouldn't be doing that her mum should be at home working to provide for her child. If she's at college and only 17 who's claiming benefits for her? Child benefit and child tax is still paid providing they are still in education that is more than enough money for a 17 year old to live off and I know this coz my niece managed it. Should also be able to get travel money for college and dinner money.

Grindelwaldswand · 29/12/2016 00:45

I ditch the pair of them OP sounds like they are both opportunists. Like mother like daughter as the saying goes .. what's your actual relationship with them like do you get along or is it a turbulent relationship ?

user1477282676 · 29/12/2016 00:49

Good God. Put your foot down. Your girlfriend needs a job...not to be tagging along with you...poinlessly! She should be paying for her OWN child and at 17 her DD needs a part time job.

Stop giving her pocket money. My own Mum and Dad stopped giving me money at that age...I had to bloody earn it!

AgentProvocateur · 29/12/2016 00:52

Get a new girlfriend. She sounds like a golddigger.

JustHereForThePooStories · 29/12/2016 01:07

This isn't about the daughter.

From the sounds of it, your girlfriend is only in her thirties. There's no reason she can't work.

You're being made a fool of.

user1481835432 · 29/12/2016 13:50

OP, does your girl friend "sew a button on your shirt" so to speak; while you are earning? If the answer is no and no to other pertinent questions put here by wise women, then you are being taken for a ride by a grifter. Ask yourself what you get out of the relationship with your gf and, could you do just as well on a "pay as you go" basis for services rendered?

Ilovecaindingle · 29/12/2016 13:58

They are assuming your secret name is Mr Barclay...
Piss takers the lot of them.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread