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Original poster

Should I be paying for my girlfriends daughter?

85 replies

mb010203 · 05/12/2016 14:06

Some advice please as I am not sure what I should do about this. I have lived with my girlfriend for 3 years, her daughter lives with her granny as she does not get on with her mum. She is 17 years old and has had almost no contact with her dad in the past. Recently her dad has started getting into contact and wanting to see her again - he has paid no CSA in the past and owed £25000 in arrears, my girlfriend told him not to bother paying the arrears and closed the case recently. Her dad never offers any money for anything and I am expected to pay out even though she is not my kid. I have to pay, every month: £110 to her granny for living costs, £50 a month for her mobile, she gets around £30 a week out of me for spending money and she has even asked me to buy her a new passport. She does not work as she goes to college (and makes excuses for not getting a job). Her mum does not work as I work away from home quite a few months of the year and she comes with me - so she cannot keep a job as we are away travelling while I work around 6 months of the year. I worked out that her daughter is costing me around £400 a month, including petrol to take her/pick her up from college which is a 60 mile trip in total each time - going from home to college/to her granny's house/back home etc, up to 4 days a week. And as her mum does not work I also have all the house bills/food, and she smokes so I buy her cigarettes too or else she goes mental if she goes a day without any etc. And I pay the CSA for my own child. Anyone else experienced this and what do you do? Trying to get her dad to help, but he always says he has no money (but always out drinking at the weekends - something I cannot afford to do!)

OP posts:

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/12/2016 15:03

You say the 17 year old's dad is taking the piss! I think they are all taking the piss out of you. As another poster said you are bankrolling everyone. The girls mum needs to work and if this means not travelling with you then it will have to be like that for now. It is what parents do.

^ this.

Both the daughters parents seem to be doing well out of this 'deal'

ElspethFlashman · 05/12/2016 15:07

Literally everyone is winning here.

Dad gets off Scot free.
Mum never has to work and lives as a trailing spouse and doesn't even have to parent.
Grandmother gets her bills paid.
DD gets everything paid and is looking at universities.

What a family!

They got your measure alright, mate.

Original poster

mb010203 · 05/12/2016 15:11

Update - she lived with her granny long before I came along. She did work until I appeared, then decided she wanted to come along with me - my girlfriends mum (the granny) suggested to her that she should go away with me while I work. Most of her family do not really like her and are always trying to keep her out of the way as she has a bit of a wild past and could not really cope being a young mum - she has calmed down since meeting me. I do feel like a cash machine sometimes and was a lot better off financially when I was single.

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 05/12/2016 15:12

You do realise you can walk away, right?

Arfarfanarf · 05/12/2016 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diamondofdoom · 05/12/2016 15:16

Leave then? You're not obliged to stay or give lifts/pocket money etc.
Unfortunately I think this situation is kind of a 'leave' or 'put up and shut up'

It is kind of you to do all those things though. I feel quite sorry for your GF and her daughter as is sounds like they're not really wanted anywhere.

ohtheholidays · 05/12/2016 15:26

Your being used and if any of them kick off because you won't/can't buy something for them then your in a financially abusive relationship!

It would be different with regards to your girlfriends daughter if you'd been in the girls life since she was very young and her Mum and Dad were paying for her as well.But as it stands she was already 14 when you started dating her Mum and she has a Father and a Mother that should be supporting her not you!

You need to stand up for yourself!Tell the Mum that she doesn't need to travel with you but she does need to start working and being responsible for her own daughter and that she needs to sort out what she's doing about the Dad paying nothing at all.

bloodyteenagers · 05/12/2016 15:30

Honestly I would leave. The mum saw you as a meal ticket to not work, so gave up her job.
She could get a job and do the long distance thing.
The money that you aren't giving her dd, could be going to your own child.

MissStein · 05/12/2016 15:41

Do you love your gf? I assume so since you have been with her 3 years. How did you feel about her giving up work 3 years ago? I think the answer is that as the dd is 17 and not living with with her dm, by extension she is no responsibility of yours. Thats not to say you should cut her off completely, but certainly not paying for mobile phone contracts etc. Dont even know why you are paying the granny living costs? id stop that immediately and let the dd know that she is going to have to get a job now. If she is at college she must be getting a bursary or something, or her granny will be claiming benefits for her so no need for you to be paying out. Maybe cut the pocket money down to £20 and that would be it.

ChocoChou · 05/12/2016 15:46

It really doesn't sound as if you're in a healthy relationship I'm afraid.
Cut your losses.... good luck

WatchingFromTheWings · 05/12/2016 15:53

Think you're being taken for a mug. And I don't think your gf had any right to close the csa case. That money is what her daughter is entitled to.

Aroundtheworldandback · 05/12/2016 16:51

Agree with Ellisandra. Are you ok about your girlfriend not travelling with you at all and getting a job? Great. If not, I'm afraid you're preventing her financially supporting her daughter so yes, you pay.

YelloDraw · 05/12/2016 16:56

Your GF is the female equiv of a cock lodger. Honestly how did you get into this???

Ellisandra · 05/12/2016 17:03

OK, serious question...
Sometimes, family dynamics are hard and it is a good thing for a child to live with a grandparent.
But a mother absent 6 months of the year?
This is my question: how do you respect a woman who has abandoned her child, enough to want to be with her?

OohhThatsMe · 05/12/2016 17:05

Your girlfriend, her ex and her daughter sound like a bunch of users, tbh.

Gazelda · 05/12/2016 17:13

Where do you and GF live when not away with work? Does she have a property she can rent out and use that income to support her DD? I suspect not, but I just thought I'd make the suggestion.

Otherwise, I think as previous posters have said - either end the relationship, tell GF to stay home and get a job to support herself and her DD, or if you see this as a loving and long term relationship then you'll have to continue supporting the whole family.

The poor DD.

RedHelenB · 05/12/2016 17:37

If your gf was a man everyone would be calling her a cocklodger and bemoaning the fact that she doesn't care for her child.

Is the £400 you pay out worth it in order for you to be with gf thpough, that's the bottom line.

Vixxfacee · 05/12/2016 17:39

You're being mugged off.

user1471700951 · 06/12/2016 16:38

Your being taken for a mug,get rid.

P1nkP0ppy · 06/12/2016 16:42

Sorry op but your gf has got it made, hasn't she?
She's no intention of supporting herself or her DD and expects you to pick up the bills.
She's a sponger.

BaDumShh · 06/12/2016 16:48

If your gf was a man everyone would be calling her a cocklodger and bemoaning the fact that she doesn't care for her child.

This. So much.

I'm astonished at the amount of people saying that it's the OP's responsibility to support his gf's child not even a child as she's nearly 18 and therefore practically an adult

Spring2016 · 07/12/2016 00:59

You have been a good guy doing this, but I think your girlfriend should get a job and pay for her daughter, or the daughter herself could get a job.

TDHManchester · 16/12/2016 07:30

There is an old saying " you take the cow, you take the calves..".. as a man looking at your situation, i would pack my bags and do one asap. They are bleeding you dry.

NiceFalafels · 16/12/2016 07:38

Your wife can work. She needs to apply for roles where she is bank staff and on zero contract hours. She could have a few of these jobs. That way she will get the flexibility she needs.

Your SD needs to find a job where she usually lives. Even just a few hours.

Does your SD feel like your DD? Does she feel like your family?

Tell both women that once she's 18, you will halve the money you give. On her 19th birthday you will halve it again. And so on.

rollonthesummer · 16/12/2016 07:43

I'd leave quickly-they are playing you for a mug.

You do realise they'll propbaby expect you to pay for 3 years of university, don't you?! And maybe a masters... Have you got a spare £50k? Will they stick around afterwards?!

They don't sound like they have much respect for you.

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