A sort of moral dilemma... please tell me your opinons...

[HelpMeWithThisOne]

Can you tell me what you think about this.. I badly need the Mumsnet Jury...

Back in 1993 my Grandad died. Out of his (small) estate, he left DS (the only child I had back then) ?250 which was put into a trust account with the Woolwich. The account was/is in my name but with his name on it. He can't touch the money until he is an adult. (I know it's not a fortune but it will have growing all these years.)

In 1992, the Woolwich became a PLC and everyone with an account at that time was entitled to claim shares within a three year period. The amount generated by this account was 450 shares. We did not receive a letter about these shares at the time (it would have gone to a previous address) so knew nothing about it.

Because they were not claimed within a 3 year period, these shares were sold at ?3.57 each, generating a sum of ?1,867.50. Today, out of the blue, I have received letter from a company employed by the Woolwich to trace the people who they owe money to, due to the sales of the shares.

So... my son's money remains in the Woolwich trust account, untouched and growing... and this money, legally, belongs to me because mine is the first name on the account. I just rang the helpline to find out what we have to do next and during the conversation I asked "So is this money, generated by the sale of the shares, technically mine or my sons?" He said it's legally mine.. but what I do with it when I get it is up to me.

DH and I have been discussing this. Financially, we don't have a pot to pee in, (no fault of our own/curcumstances due to disability etc) and this ?1700 odd (they take 10% as a service charge) would be more handy than I describe, especially as we have a house move coming up (also due to the disability issue) and a LOT of expense to handle. But I keep thinking this is my son's money.. (he is now 14).. even though his money, left to him by my grandad, is still safe and untouched.

I rang my mum (daughter of grandad in question) and she said "Gramps would want you to have it, especially in the circumstances" and I can see what she is saying, he would be pleased as punch to know that DS's little nest egg that he left him had produced THIS much larger, separate nest egg all these years later, and would probably want me (his only Grand daughter) to benefit.

But it still feels like DS's money. DH and I have thought maybe we would halve it.. put half away in DS's savings account.. and wisely spend the other half on some of the many things we need for our move..

What do you think?

erm and your third child if they were also not born by the time of your granddads death. so that's 500 gone already.

I agree with Sobernow

Think I'm changing my mind
How about this for an alternative? You have 2 children that your grandfather never knew, who would surely have had the same inheritance as your eldest. Share the £500 you were thinking about between them. Then use the remainder as "family money" - let them choose their beds/decorate their rooms and have an input into the spending of the rest to benefit you all.
Think that's fairer than your ds getting the full amount given in the light of current circs (fact your g/f has more ggc and the extra would benefit you as well).

Actually, I don't know if this is relevent, but the DS in question has a serious and life threatenig/shortening medical condition. (Bugger it, it's cystic fibrosis.. it's going to be blatantly obvious who I am to some, ah well). So thing is.. I have no way of even knowing how well enough he might be in the future of spending money put away for him when he is an adult. I hope to God he will be well enough but who knows.

The youngest is the disabled one and the main reason for the move to the disabled-adapted house. DH can't work.. he has been disabled with a form of arthritis for over ten years. This is why I am prevented from working right now (and in immediately) future; this is why this money seems like such a lot to us now, and the potential for who it could help us now is so much..

DD is in the middle, no SN/medical needs but gets "left out" a lot as a result. I would love to be able to treat her to something nice for her new bedroom with a little of the money. I smiled about the thought Gramps "providing" for the great grandkids he never knew (as someone said below).. I never thought of it like that...

Your mum said he would have wanted you to have the money. I'm sure he'd also have wanted his unborn great grandchildren to benefit too. So this way everyone's a winner.

I think you know what your Gramps would say, and your Mum certainly does. You said yourself that you only had ds1 when he died, you're in a totally different situation now. I think you should explain to your son what has happened, 14 is old to understand - he'll be SO chuffed to have £500 I?m sure he won't mind you (all) having the rest. Obviously I don?t know, but I?m guessing he?s an understanding kid having a disabled brother, and I?d like to think he?d be understanding about this too. My Gramps died when I was 13 and I didn?t get a penny (and certainly didn?t expect anything), but if I?d had £500, cor blimey! You?ve obviously had a tough time since your Grandfather died. We have big money problems as well, and I reckon we?d probably do the same in your situation. You want to watch those bleedin? catalogues as well!

well, i would say that seating is something you need actually! bit unreasonable for you to sit on the floor! need isnt just about die without X, its about a basic standard of life, and yes, that would include somewhere to sit!

oh, btw, have you tried family fund? i got a grant from them the other year for new beds, safety flooring for outside and money towrds a holiday. they grant to people on low income with disabled children.

i think you are beating yourself to a pulp here! give yourself a break!

I think your last post probably changes the situation. In your situation, if I had two children later, I would share the pot between all of them. Why not use it now and try and replace it when things are (perhaps) not so tight in the future? My dh and I still owe ds money from his birth which I intend to sort out in the next couple of months as we are now not quite as skint as we were when I was on maternity leave...

given your circumstances and everything you and Dh have been through over the past few eyears I think to put it towards the house move would be ideal, as the house move will benefit all of you anyway and make your lives easier. You really do deserve a bit of breatjhig space!

Now if you were after a Prada handbag it'd be different- but you're not and you need it

If legally it is yours then it is yours. As everyone else said here the money is going to be used for the family good and no doubt it will benifit your son too. You are being very honourale and thoughtful but I think it is simple - it is yours if it wasn't you would not be able to get your hands on it.

I think its his money.

It may seem like a nice sum for you now ,but do you think he may feel robbed of it later on ?
Its a trifling amount of money to risk a family fall out over.

How about: you give £250 to each of your other kids, give £200. to ds1 and spend a grand on furniture and stuff for the house?

Its so hard isn't it- being really skint and well wishing family giving money "FOR ds". I feel such a cow because I spent some of my son's bday money on yoghurts etc for him. We literally have no other back-up and are this skint. I could cry when I have taken some money out of his account but I WILL repay it and feel so ashamed. It just is a case of needs must when you have empty cupboards. You clearly love your family deeply. If you put all the money by for your son you may inadvertently resent him for your decision and he may feel the tension from you that being skint brings. Do what your heart tells you x

Lorina, £1700 is far from trifling if you are skint, have kids and are moving house.

Have you talked to your son about it? Depending on how mature he is, it might be an opportunity for him to participate in an important family decision. Teenagers can often surprise you if you give them the chance. He won't resent it later if he has everything explained to him and is involved in the decision.

I don't know what I would do in your situation though.

I think your gramps would want to see his grandson best taken care of. No matter if you had to spend it to give him a better quality of life in a house move.

It's not like you're going and blowing it on booze or clothes.

Greensleeves I totally agree that £1700 is fantastic when you are skint.

I'm justing saying that I wouldn't potentially jeopardise my long term relationship with my son for that amount of cash. For any amount of cash.

Hmmm. I'm hoping to bring my sons up not to throw away life-long relationships over money, but there's no seeing the future, I suppose.

Are you discussing it with your ds?
I have a 13 yr old ds and I know that in the same situation he would agree to split it half and half without question IF we really needed it.

We are talking to him now.. well in a minute! He's just home from school.

Lorina, it's a fortune to us, not a trifling amount. I don't anticipate a family fall-out. DS isn't like that. I can't really imagine him saying "I want that money! I never knew it existed until today, it has come about purely by chance, but I want it all!" At least he wasn't brought up that way.

Lynne3, that is prettymuch was we are going to do, give or take..

I am quite excited now.. I think he's going to be thrilled with £500 he didn't know he was going to have.. and thrilled that a product of his little (untouched) trust fund from Great-Gramps is going to be helping us out like this when the move we have waiting years for finally on the verge of happening and we will be able to put it to such good use.

I will report back honestly with his reaction later.

Thank you all so much for your opinions and such sound advice. I am confident that the majority are not "wrong" and yes I do care so much and want the best for my family. (And I don't even know what Prada looks like.. [grin[)

I was right... he is chuffed. He is thrilled about having £500 "out of nowhere" and doesn't think there was any question that "all that money should be shoved into an account" for him when we have all been sitting around pouring over Ikea/Argos catalogues and scanning Freecycle for weeks working out how we can best get the things we need... what to buy/what to manage without.

I am proud of him actually . I said "so you don't think you're likely to mull this over and then come back at some point in the future and say "..actually I have been thinking.. you lot half-inched a grand or so of my money is 2007...!" He said no.. his money from Gramps is still in his account.. so why would he?

Had to explain all about how shares work which took some going over (and some concentration! Never had to worry about share before!! ) but he's got it, he's clued up now.

really pleased that you've sorted itself out. You should be proud of ds, he seems like a very mature young man.

Obviously a well brought up boy.