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Original poster

Overdrawn.....again :(

38 replies

spancake · 25/06/2015 20:22

Ok, I'm crap with money, I know it, I admit it, and I'm always bloody overdrawn (in an agreed/planned overdraft). Now I'm up to the neck in it by the tune of £1800... To cut a long story short, my husband doesn't know and he wants me credit free for 3 months so we can get a mortgage, he says I have to be in positive balance for 3 months so I'm screwed. Any ideas for getting some cash together quick?

OP posts:
LIZS · 25/06/2015 20:25

Would he have savings to pay it off? If you want to get a joint mortgage you need to manage finances together. There is no point you paying fees and interest out of misplaced pride.

Original poster
spancake · 25/06/2015 20:27

He has savings but has helped me get out of od before, the thing is he will be raging about this. He earns more than me and instead of pooling resources, he insists we split everything 50/50.

OP posts:
LIZS · 25/06/2015 20:29

He should be raging more at wasting money in interest and accumulating debt. Do you want to get a mortgage under these circumstances?

VanitasVanitatum · 25/06/2015 20:30

I have an overdraft most months and a mortgage.. I got the mortgage on my own too. I don't think a planned overdraft will be an issue..?

ChocolateBreakfastBalls · 25/06/2015 20:32

Tell him to play fair with finances or fuck off breathing down your neck! What a prick. You should definitely not have to deal with this alone!

RandomMess · 25/06/2015 20:33

Well you have far bigger issues then your OD then don't you...

You need to look at each having the same "spare" after food, bills and everything else that is split 50:50! Then you wouldn't be overdrawn would you?

gamerchick · 25/06/2015 20:33

I don't think I would want to financially tie myself to someone like that who earns more than me but insists on 50/50.

You need to have a conversation with your dude.

Original poster
spancake · 25/06/2015 21:47

I'm pleased it's not just me who thinks it should be shared pot, but I just can't make him understand it. I'm getting him to pay for more stuff for our son - he was saying how expensive uniform is and I was like 'yes it's expensive clothing a child, but then you've never had to do it before have you??!!' I've literally paid for everything where our son is concerned because of how tight he isConfused

OP posts:
Original poster
spancake · 25/06/2015 21:50

I'm already tied to him - we're married and already have a mortgage but we need to move to a bigger house closer to a decent school. Also, I live in his home town which is over 100miles away from my home town and all my friends and family. He's not abusive in any way but exceptionally tight with money.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/06/2015 22:20

Erm, he's financially abusive - you earn half what he does and yet you've been 50:50 for everything plus everything for your son until now???

I think I'd be refusing to move until shared finances are resolved. You certainly can't afford to pay more into a mortgage, bills, council tax etc. can you?

Original poster
spancake · 26/06/2015 08:03

So how would you explain it to him? We both take our salary, put it in to a joint account and after all the bills, savings mortgage etc come out, we share what is left? I have no idea what is normal! What does everyone else do?

OP posts:
LIZS · 26/06/2015 08:52

Pretty much . Or you list out your expenses and incomings and demonstrate that paying 50% leaving you in debt and him in credit isn't feasible or financially worthwhile. Could you agree to each transfer a fixed contribution to the mortgage, bills, car insurance etc into a joint account but yours might be half of his amount.

FishWithABicycle · 26/06/2015 08:58

What marriage vows did you each say? The old wording was "all my worldly goods I thee endow" - modern wording tends to be something like "all that I have I share with you". Whatever the wording, marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Yes to putting everything in a joint account and sharing what is left at the end of the month. That is fair.

titchy · 26/06/2015 09:16

Putting all money into a joint account then splitting equally is what most people do, or a variation on that theme. Of course that's normal- your supposed to be a partnership. And yes anything else is financially abusive. Agree to sort your overdraft out once he's agreed to an equitable division of money. This is your moment of strength - he wants something from you. Use it!

Azquilith · 26/06/2015 09:17

So I earn more than twice my DP. We're not married (have a DS though) and he doesn't want a joint account because he doesn't trust himself having access to everything, but because it's a partnership, I pay for big stuff - mortgage, bills, childcare etc. and we make sure that the remainder is split equally. He was out of work for a couple of months recently and whilst he was unemployed, we tightened our belt but we still had an equal amount. I didn't make him starve because he'd lost his job... This is normal....

RandomMess · 26/06/2015 09:21

TBH DH and I share our money completely - all comes out of the same pot but we are both sensible and reasonably frugal, neither of us have expensive hobbies or spend a lot on clothes etc.

Yes you share what is left after all "household and dc" expenses, including food, cars, pets, holidays, family meals out etc. etc. If you're going to split what is left then you each buy your personal spends out of the leftover

Personal spends IMHO would usually be:
hobbies
clothes (for yourself)
Personal grooming - so make-up and (unless you buy your inexpensive available in supermarket which I do) face cream, body lotion etc.
"Going out" money
Eat out whether it be work lunches
Presents for friends that aren't "family friends"

Does that make sense.

You really need to resolve this before you commit to a more expensive property because you can't afford it under your current system. Do not let him brow beat you into believing you are rubbish with money when he is forcing you to live beyond your means!!!

Write down your take home income and then every single "family" expense that you usually pay for - so go back and include all the stuff you usually bought for ds, it will soon be obvious why you are in debt. You were either contributing more than you could afford or splurging on what - clothes, make-up, going out???? You need all your facts first about what has been happening so any ranting he starts you can walk away and leave the evidence in front of him.

RandomMess · 26/06/2015 09:22

Don't forget to add on the interest you've been incurring each month. It's ridiculous that you've been serving debt whilst he can afford to save...

peggyundercrackers · 26/06/2015 09:50

we don't share bank accounts - I earn way more than my DP. I guess the difference is we speak about money and what we are both doing - nothing is hidden. I pay for most of it but I don't care - its just money. we both buy whatever we want to if we can afford it. my DP think my money is mine and his is his and he doesn't ask for any of it, always offers to pay 50:50 etc. but because I earn more I just pay - its no biggie.

Degustibusnonestdisputandem · 26/06/2015 10:01

Yep - I earn more than DH, all our (family) money is pooled, then what's left is split evenly.

Original poster
spancake · 26/06/2015 10:41

I've tried to have this conversation with him before though, and he's adamant that he shouldnt have to pay for things that i want/need, because he doesnt spend anything (and he really doesnt at all because hes so bloody tight). so in other words, why should i have for instance, a new bra, when he hasnt had new socks (for example) in years. I just cant get through to him at all. He was up in arms when i got ds some new summer shoes for this year (he's obvs grown out of last years sandals), but why cant he wear his trainers??? (erm, because it's nice in the summer to wear summer shoes!!!) Perhaps i'm not frugal enough, and he's way too frugal, and it's just not compatible at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
spancake · 26/06/2015 10:47

Can i also add, that he has loaned me the money to pay off similar overdrafts in the past and i pay him back. So he's not completely unreasonable. I just cant face the rollocking i'm just about to get!!

OP posts:
titchy · 26/06/2015 11:45

But he shouldn't regard any money he transfers to you as a loan ffs!

If you split what's left over after bills and dc costs equally, then it's entirely up to both of you whether to save that money cos he's too tight to spoend on socks or spend it on essential clothes fritter the lot on a handbag

Viviennemary · 26/06/2015 12:52

If you are crap with money (in your own words) why would anyone give you free access to their money so you can also overspend that and get into debt. You need to get this sorted out before you apply for a mortgage. On the other hand there is no fun living with somebody who is too tight to spend any money. You should rethink your whole relationship. It sounds to me as if you're unsuited.

jugglingmonkey · 26/06/2015 13:18

Span, are you married to my DH??

I am also OD, every month, DH has no idea how bad it is, and would flip if he did. He also helped me clear mine once a few years ago but it has crept back, following birth of DS/maternity leave. I also pay for most DS stuff.

My stance is that if he has savings, which I know he does, and he isn't honest with me about his finances, I have every right to keep mine from him too. I know this isn't healthy, but my DH is also exceptionally tight and would watch every penny I spent out of a joint account. We differ in our approach to money, and that's ok.

If you need to clear 1800 in 3 months I would suggest you sell anything you can on ebay, live extremely frugally for 3 months, and possibly approach a close family member who might be able to help tide you over and you could pay them back rather than your DH?

I know lots of people here will be amazed by my response to your post but I truly understand where you are coming from, and would also do anything to avoid DH knowing my situation.

Either come totally clean and ask for joint account, or watch your every penny for a few months. You'll be amazed how it racks up.

TalkinPeace · 26/06/2015 13:25

OP
You need to sit him down and review what expenses are personal for each of you
and then what expenses are part of the family unit - which includes EVERYTHING to do with your child.

Pants, socks, shoes, medicine, food, uniform, fuel money to drive him around, school trip money, music lessons etc etc etc etc

and he has to contribute towards that in the ratio of your earnings

so he contributes 2/3 to that pot and you contribute 1/3

and legally there cannot be loans between spouses as your assets can be transferred tax free.

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